Question on friend's behavior in relationship

(If this is the wrong forum to post this, I apologize. I am willing to move it)

I have a few questions relating to my good friend’s behavior in her current relationship which I think may be slightly abusive.

Right now, they are doing a long distance relationship that started this summer, but before that they dated the whole school year before he graduated. I don’t want to blame or shame her at all, but I’ll put this in just because it might be relevant, but they did sleep together the first night they met and since that day last August, she basically moved into his on campus apartment. They didn’t really do the traditional dates and just went straight to living together.

In the beginning of their relationship, she talked about how she felt insecure because he often talked about his exes and other women he’s slept with, including a model. However, she told me this behavior did stop, unfortunately, other things got worse.

I noticed on a video call with her that he belittled her a bit and forcibly made her hang up with me since he said it was rude she wasn’t giving him any attention. There have been many nights where she’s cried about things he’s said. I asked how often those rude comments come up and she admitted this was a daily thing and told me that she thinks she’s too sensitive then. I did say it was a problem if she was feeling that way at least everyday with him. Additionally, he refused to apologize when he doesn’t agree that he did anything wrong so I took that as another huge red flag. While she definitely recognized these were emotionally abusive behaviors, even going as far to say he hit like 28 of 30 she read on an article, she never did break up with him.

As well, for a while they were engaging in completely unprotected sex recently in her getting pregnant and subsequently having an abortion. However this was during winter break where she choose to visit his family for a month and couldn’t get the procedure done during that time. When they returned to our campus, she was understandably exhausted and tried sleeping, but he prevented her from doing so because he deemed it rude. She cried and called me thinking he wasn’t going to take her to the clinic the next morning, but he changed his mind.

They’ve had ongoing problems like this for a while with horrible arguments between them. He does something rude, she cries and becomes insecure, and then he in no way offers to comfort her. One time he physically grabbed her chin in place during an argument. I’ve tried telling her this is textbook abuse behavior and while she says she agrees, she never ends the relationship.

Fast forward to now, she says their long distance has actually done quite a good thing to their relationship as their able to take breaks from one another and enjoy each other more. Although they do visit occasionally.

Side note, when she went to see him, she found nude pictures of another woman on his phone and he claimed that it was his friend who sent them and she had only asked him to judge the aesthetic quality of the image, not to solicit for sex. Which I believe is a total lie.

However now he came back to visit our campus again and she’s claiming they had an amazing time where he apologized for his problems and is now supporting her in her career choices. She said he’s even encouraging her to seek therapy.

So my question now is basically, could it be true that he’s actually changed or is this just following the cycle of abuse over again? And if so, why does she keep believing him? As a friend, should I be prepared for another instance of extreme hurt coming from him?

I have no more plans to convince her that this is a bad relationship as I just don’t see it as working. She’s lost a few friends over her inability to break up with this guy and I don’t want to be another. I’m just not sure whether to believe her at this point in her account of how things are improving.

Lastly, if he really is abusive like I think, what is the point of continuing a long distance relationship? Why wouldn’t he find another victim physically close?

Any answers relating to the psychology of this would be extremely helpful.

(Also, sorry for the length)

Yes, abuse is cyclical, and you are correct to believe that the abuse will happen again.

Abuse statistically escalates over time. The fact that he put his hands on her once is a very bad sign.

It's very difficult to support a friend who doesn't leave the abuse, especially when it's ongoing and longer-term, so I understand the predicament you're in. I don't have great advice for that aspect, but perhaps other people will.

Have you thoughts about going to the campus police and ask for an undercover officer to keep and eye on her. I seen abuse both side and I seen make up abuse to get sympathy. Have you thought about findings evidence that will help protect her? This is emotional abuse and possibly physical abuse. Do you know why she had an abortion? Have you talk to her family and ask them for some help? I hope that this give you some idea on how to help your friend.

Thanks for your response. I'm not sure the campus police can help much now that he's living in another state. She had the abortion because she believed now would be the wrong time to have and raise a child. Also, her family is a bit abusive in their own way and I'm not sure they could help.

I'm sorry! I think she need to get away from him and stay away.

Honestly, I don’t think you can do anything about this except be her friend...

I was given this advice when I was worried about a friend and the relationship choices that she making....

She won't thank you for interfering in her relationship and despite you only having her welfare in mind it could even force her to choose between you. So be a friend let her get it off her chest and remind her you are there if she needs you. Your going to have to just be patient and wait, be there to help pick up the pieces

Unfortunately several years and relationships later and she was the victim of domestic abuse. All I could do was remind her that she knew what she needed to do to stop the situation but only she could decide if she was ready to leave him.

I'm really sorry for you and your friend. Unfortunately she's the one that needs to realize the situation she's in... you can be supportive but ultimately it's up to her. So I'd say keep doing what you're doing

That all I could for two coworker. One had left but came back and lost her life.

Sometimes that the best thing you can do.

i.completely agree with you!