Grieving my lost daughter

My ex-husband and I divorced when my daughter was 9. My daughter and I had an extremely close relationship. It was always “her and me against the world.’ My daughter was my life. But, when she reached her teens, she became hell on wheels. I never knew what to expect from day to day. Every time the phone rang at work I got a sinking feeling thinking it was the school calling (again). She would forge notes from me, skip school, and was hanging out with a pretty bad group of kids. The problem was, her high school got out at 2:15 and I didn’t get off work until 4:30, so that gave her lots of time to get into trouble. And then, to further complicate things, I met and started dating my husband.

She stole some jewelry from a couple she was babysitting for and they pressed charges. She skipped school again, threw a party at my house, and I had a gold necklace my husband had just given me for Christmas stolen. I called the police and she told the policeman the names of the kids who had been there. The policeman later informed me that her friends were “known gang members.” She held coats for them after school while they beat up a kid. She was flunking all her courses and I didn’t know how to help her. And finally there was a pregnancy scare.

Through all this my now husband stood by me and supported her as much as she let him. I know she probably felt somewhat abandoned when I started dating again, but I finally felt like, after all those years, that I had a right to some kind of life of my own. I had been divorced for 5 years. I kept setting consequences for her behavior ... and not keeping them. I even talked to my ex-husband and he offered to let her live with them to get her out of the school district and have some after-school supervision because his wife didn’t work.

I told her 2 or 3 times after incidents that I would be sending her to her dad’s to live if she didn’t stay out of trouble. In the meantime my husband and I got engaged. He had moved all his computer and stereo equipment into our house before we got married.

The last straw came when I got a call from the school nurse while I was at work asking if my daughter was sick. I said no, she was at school. The nurse told me my daughter had called pretending to be me and said that my daughter would be home sick that day. I left work trying to find out where she was. I went home. She wasn’t there, but a strange girl was. My daughter had given this girl the key to our home with all my fiancé’s expensive computer and audio equipment in it. My daughter came walking in a few minutes later and she knew she was in really bad trouble.

This time I really did have to follow through with the consequences. I told her she had to go live with her dad. She started crying and begged me not to. It was the worst decision I ever had to make and I really, really didn’t want to do it because I loved her so very much. But my fiancé told me that I wasn’t thinking of what was best for her, but only how much it was hurting me. He told me if we didn’t, she could end up on drugs, pregnant or worse. So I did it. I sent her to live with her dad. I know the timing was bad. I know it looked to her like I wanted her out of the way because I was getting married again. But she had boxed me into a corner and I had no choice.

Today she is 39 years old with 2 great sons, my grandsons, who are the joy of my life. But I honestly feel like she hates me. She says the most hateful, hurtful things to me and when I say anything she always twists it around to be my fault. I know she still resents me sending her away and I honestly can’t say that my ex-husband didn’t work to hurt my relationship with my daughter even more, because ours was not an amicable divorce. All I know is she is much closer to him now than she is to me. This might be because she has abandonment issues. I don’t know.

I’ve asked her to go to counseling with me to see if we could resolve our issues. She refused. I finally went to a family counselor on my own and told him everything. First of all, he applauded me for finally getting a life of my own and told me I made the right decision to send her to her dad’s. Then he told me I had to “stop going to the cemetery every night and digging up 20 year old bones.” He said I needed to put it behind me and if she couldn’t that was her problem. I left his office feeling free.

But we had a bad argument tonight because she was being really, really hateful to me when I was over there for a few minutes. I don’t know if she realizes how hurtful she is. Every time I visit her I drive away in tears because I am so upset. I do everything I can to help her out by watching the boys and I know she takes advantage of me. I love doing it, though. Anyway, after I got home there was an exchange of not very nice text messages. I finally told her we needed some space from each other and I wouldn’t be in contact for awhile. I don’t know how long at this point “awhile” will be. I’m just going to let things play out on their own.

I am grieving over my lost relationship with my daughter. What do you do when your relationship with your daughter is so toxic? I’m pretty fragile emotionally right now because, besides being bipolar, I have a lot of physical issues going on right now. I think I just need to protect and take care of myself right now.

If you’re still reading this, do you have a toxic relationship with your child? What do you do? All I know is that it grieves me and hurts me so much.

That your daughter seems to be living a fairly normal life and raising 2 kids who seem to be turning out okay is huge. Things could have gone way, way worse as I'm sure you know.

Live in the present. Don't make announcements about staying away from your daughter and having "space." Simply move away from her when she becomes verbally abusive. (It sounds as though that's what she does.) The past can't be changed. Do not focus on it. If you're at her house, and she becomes miserable toward you, leave. Disengage with her when she becomes nasty. If she does this at your house, ask her to leave, or retire to your bedroom and lock the door. Don't make a big deal of it and don't do a lot of talking. You'll never argue your way into a better relationship. The main thing is to interrupt the behavior. Leave her talking to an empty space.

Her payoff is that she is making you missrable, and she knows it. It's great that you enjoy the grandsons, but don't let her threaten you with keeping them away from you. Even if you made wrong decisions years ago (not saying you did,) that doesn't give her the right to be nasty now. Don't try to rationalize your decisions of 20 years ago. Don't blame your ex-husband for your daughter's attitude.

I don't have children, so I may not be the best person to advise you. But now that your daughter is an adult, your relationship with her is woman-to-woman . . . not woman to child. Expect of her the basic courtesy you would expect of any adult.friend. Being your daughter does not give her license to act like a beech around you. What you wouldn't tolerate from one of your adult neighbors, you shouldn't tolerate from her.

When an angry text arrives, do not respond to it . . . or respond to it minimally. It takes two to fight. Disengage. Withdraw from the back-and-forth. Don't feed energy into bad interaction. Make yourself a little less available to her.

Your therapist should not be telling you that you did all the right things back years ago. Maybe you did; maybe you didn't. Your therapist is not in a position to know. He's blowing smoke up your skirt. But I agree with his advice about not digging up old bones. The past is over.

It's going to be tough to turn this around. Make your behavior consistent - that, if she wants to be unpleasant, you will not remain in the scene where this is going on, whether in a room, or in cyberspace. Kinda like how the best way to respond to obscene or nuisance phone calls is to simply hang up promptly.

You probably did make some mistakes in handling your daughter years ago. But that's water over the dam now. J

I agree about setting boundaries over what will and what will not be tolerated in your adult to adult mother/daughter relationship. Rose has some good advice.

It's not like in her teens she left you with much choice in sending her to her father's. Often times a change of venue is a mentioned option when a child is unruly and defiant. It's valid and real. No use carrying forth guilt about it.

I have an adult half sister that's merciless in her anger towards both my father and stepmother. Oddly, I'm the child that in all actuality one would understand anger out of considering history and the reality of our growing up experiences. I really think nastiness is a choice and a habit.

Hope you're able to work through this.

She has two parents, she went to live with the other parent. It’s not a crime. Nowadays 50/50 is common and there is no unspoken rule that kids must live with mom. Unless dad was knowingly abusive I don’t understand why it’s such an issue. You did not send her to foster care or abandoned her on the street. Parents can only do their best, sometimes we have to try different things to get kids on track, sending kids to live with the other parent isn’t any kind of extreme thing.

I maybe try to ask her what exactly she is mad about. She might need therapy. At 39 she is still mad she had to live with dad in teenage years. Was there something wrong in his house she isn’t telling you? If not, then I would follow others advice such as remove yourself when she gets nasty.

You did what you've had to do. If she doesn't recognize this, it's not your fault. I understand your feelings, but you can't really change her behavior if she doesn't want to. Many hugs

I agree with the advice Rose has given you.... and I’m in quite a similar situation as you. My daughter did most of those same things in high school.... I tried to set boundaries, tried to get her to stay in school.... I tried to do the things you did and I failed. She’s in her thirties now and still doesn’t even have a GED. She never says a single nasty word to me... never... but she’s passive aggressive. If I do or say something she doesn’t like she gives me the silent treatment. It could go on for months. And I never know I’ve done or said something wrong until I’m met with cold silence. She’s very cold to me... she thinks she’s hiding it with friendliness but I’m so tense and uncomfortable around her that I can’t stand it.

This is what I do... I try to only say positive things... I would never argue with her, there’s absolutely no point to it... I try not to give her any kind of advice, that’s a huge trigger for her.... I call or text just to say I’m thinking of her or hope she is well but never with the hopes or intention of her calling me or texting me back.... Many times I’ve just wanted to walk away but I keep sucking it up and behaving as nicely as I can.

Emotionally I am shut down.... years of this has me to the point that I just numb my feelings with regard to her. The other day I was looking through old pictures and scrapbooks.... of all the things I did and wrote that seem like another person... I am definitely not that same person anymore. I don’t remember what it was like to be that person.

I don’t expect the relationship with my daughter to ever heal. She would have to make the first step. I have apologized to her several times for any mistakes I feel I have made as a mother. She doesn’t realize this but now.... those apologies to her are for me and not for her any anymore.

The one thing that really, really gets me is she wants stuff from me. She lives out of state and when she visits she always wants to go shopping and she makes very direct hints that I should be buying her stuff. She doesn’t thank me when I do buy her stuff. My gifts have dwindled over the years.... I buy very little for her now because I don’t like feeling forced into it and I don’t like the lack of appreciation.

I won’t be a doormat anymore. Our daughters treat us this way because.... they can. I have built myself a life that really doesn’t include her... I only see her once or twice a year and I don’t enjoy those visits but I try to pretend I do.... I am always very kind to her but when she shuts me down - which is often- I just let it go and I move on. I don’t engage in any kind of argument with her over it. It hurts like hell and some days I really, really emotionally struggle with it. I’m pretty sure she sees through my act... but what else can I do but be kind, accept things as they are and carry on with my life.... I have no other choice. My heart goes out to you. ❤️❤️❤️

I have kind of been the daughter here, although I was a habitual run away because I couldn't stand being the parent in the house.

Anyway my relationship with mother was pretty toxic, first break we had was about 3 or 4 years.
Probably the best decision I made for myself.
Then we were good for about 15 years, then she over stepped the mark, and it's been about 3 years since we spoke properly.
She is pretty ill these days, and I can't find the sympathy for her so choose to keep a distant but civil relationship..
Hope you are able to find a compromise.

((NolaMae)) ((Sisabel))