I'm a mess

I've been married for 20 years, we have 2 kids, a 20 year old son at home, and a 9 year old daughter. I have pretty much reached the point where I don't want to be married anymore, to anyone. I have issues with my wife, but I have my own as well.

About 16 years ago my wife decided to be a stay at home mom, which was fine with me then, and she still is to this day because of our younger daughter. I like that she is there for her, but IMO it has made her lazy. She stays up until 2 in the morning, gets up with barely enough time to get my daughter to school, and then comes home and sleeps until its time to pick up my daughter from the bus. After that she will either go back to bed until she knows I will be home soon and then starts doing stuff around the house or decide to go to the gym or grocery shopping. This is stuff I would think could have been done during the morning, afternoon.

She would never try to make my daughter breakfast in the morning saying she wouldn't get up or didn't want to eat, but I know it was because my wife didn't want to get up earlier (I always left for work early). This year I have been getting my daughter up before school and making her breakfast before I go to work and she has no problem with it.

We have different views on just about everything our daughter does around the house. My wife never corrects her or sets any kind of rules. If I make a rule, setting a bedtime for example, when it comes that time she will tell her that Dad says you have to go to bed now. Its "Dad says" for anything, cleaning room, taking a shower, etc. She was the same way with our son, but it didn't bother me as much back then.

Beside this and other things driving me crazy, I do have my own issues. I drink a lot, mostly on weekends when I have free time, or I will make free time. I'm not mean or abusive or anything when I'm drinking, if anything it helps me tolerate being in a house that I really don't want to be in. Also, on occasion, I will see prostitutes, which I really do feel guilty about. Not that it matters, but these aren't streetwalkers, its all discreet, and I'm always careful and get tested regularly. My wife may or may not have suspicions, but she would ever ask unless she found out for sure.

So, to be honest I like drinking on weekends and I like the prostitutes, although I know it's unhealthy behavior. If my wife and I had a better relationship, or actually did stuff together on the weekends I probably would not do those things.

I don't want to leave because I know money would be a big issue for both of us considering how much I would need to pay her. We probably couldn't keep the house and I'd hate for my daughter to go from her "home", to having two different houses to split time. I think I actually want my wife to make the decision to leave or kick me out. We barely speak at all. Like I said, I'm a mess.

I have some thoughts, but they are likely unpopular opinions I would be raked over the coals for. PM me if you would like to discuss. Otherwise I wish you the best with your situation.

I went back & read your previous posts here on PC. So I know you've had some serious issues with your son. I hope some of these have smoothed out over time. You wrote that you think your wife has become lazy. From what you wrote here, with regard to your wife, I would venture to guess she is struggling with some serious depression herself. Here's a link to an article, from PsychCentral's archives, written by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. titled: "Am I depressed or Just Lazy":

Am I Depressed or Just Lazy?

I'm not a mental health professional. So I can't say anything definitively with regard to what's going on with you & your family. But my non-professional perspective is that both you & your wife may be struggling with serious depression. Your son also apparently has struggled with serious depression... perhaps still does. You haven't mentioned anything with regard to your daughter. But I'd have to think she probably is struggling too. However, if by some stroke of luck she is not, she most probably will be once she enters puberty... depression & perhaps more especially if things continue on as they are.

I don't know what to tell you about your drinking & visiting prostitutes. But I have to say that I think you're kidding yourself if you think things would be different if only you & you wife did things on the weekends. I wrote above that it sounded to me as though you may be struggling with your own case of depression. It occurs to me that there may well be more to this than that. But, there again, I'm not a mental health professional. So that's just my personal, non-professional opinion. It is true, though, that depression tends to manifest differently in men than it does in women. Here are links to 2 articles on the subject of depression in men:

Men and Depression: How Male Depression Really IS Different | What is TMS?

10 Things You Should Know About Male Depression

I am a 70 year old man. And I have my own story... some parts of which are not all that much different than what you've described. (I'll spare you the details.) But what I want to tell you is that, assuming you live to be in your 60's & 70's, you may well look back on all of this & wonder what the hell you were thinking. I know right now, while you're in the thick of all of this, what you're doing perhaps seems to make sense. But in 10, 15, or 20 years it may all become a millstone around your neck that you can never put down because it will all be just too late. And, trust me, carrying that millstone around when you're 60 or 70 will become a real burden. So my sincere recommendation is to do something now to bring this all to as positive a conclusion as possible. You can't force change on your son. And you can't change your wife. You can only change yourself. So it's you... you need to work on. Here's a link to another article by DocJohn titled: "You Can Only Change Yourself".

You Can Only Change Yourself

I don't know what the answer is here. Perhaps you start by seeing a therapist & by encouraging your wife to see one as well. (Whether or not she does is up to her.) And then perhaps, as time goes by, if all goes well, the two of you do some couples counseling. (I would be surprised if your daughter doesn't need therapy along the way as well.) But one way or another, you need to take steps to bring this situation to a conclusion if for no other reason than for your 9 year old daughter. I think you are already painfully aware it's not going to take care of itself. And simply waiting for your wife to leave or kick you out is not the way to resolve what's happening. It's only going to prolong everyone's agony. I wish you & your family well...

Sounds like your house is falling down.
Your wife sounds utterly miserable, not lazy but chronically depressed...the two things can look the same from the outside.
Your daughter might be ok for now but chances are if things went to sht with your son, your heading the same way with your daughter.

What you wanted your wife to make the hard decision so you don't have too.
Then you don't have to feel responsible.
When honestly the best thing you could do all around is tAke a break to give you both some room for thought.
Your daughter is at school so your wife could work part time. To lift the financial burden.
Although, maybe only fortnightly visits to the prostitute could help too.

You can't change your wife, or her situation.
You can only change you and yours.
Your future is there to do with what you want. Sure it's gonna be a struggle, but it's either that or this.

Time to make your mind up.

All the best, whatever you decide.

My son is doing 100% better these days, thanks to therapy and some testing we understand what was going on with him. He's working now and hoping to start college soon.

My wife has a history with depression and anxiety, but seems to have it under control most of the time. She does volunteer for the school board, the HOA and something to do with elections. So she stays busy, just an odd schedule.

Although my daughter show no signs I am still worried about her future. She struggled in school last year, I think due to everything that was going on with my son we couldn't hide it from her. But this year she is doing great in school, she has a lot of friends at school and around the neighborhood.

As for myself, as you suggested and the post after yours, I need to think about what is good for me. I didn't understand what you meant about there may be more to it than that for me.