is he embarrassed of me?

WishfulThinker66 · Oct 04, 2018 at 02:28 PM

Well, I learned that my son (26) has a girlfriend. Apparently they have been seeing one another some time. He has already introduced her to his older sister, father, and even step-father. Meanwhile I didn't even know she existed until someone inadvertently let the cat out of the bag. I feel hurt and miffed by this. Am I wrong to be assuming I purposely haven't been told and included?

Naturally my first thoughts turn to that of him being embarrassed of his bat poop crazy mom.

SorryShaped · Oct 04, 2018 at 03:29 PM

Ask him, one on one, if you must, but be prepared for anything

lady411 · Oct 04, 2018 at 04:39 PM

Talk to him about how you feel being left out of his life

eskielover · Oct 04, 2018 at 04:49 PM

Only way to know is to ask why he didn't let you know. You may not like what he says or he may just be diplomatic depending on how he may expect you will react to how he really feels.

OR it may just have never been convenient timing for a meeting with you yet....may be hard to tell for sure.

Bill3 · Oct 04, 2018 at 05:38 PM

In general, how well do you get along with him?

WishfulThinker66 · Oct 05, 2018 at 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

In general, how well do you get along with him?

Thanks Bill, very good question...

I considered ourselves quite tight and close. I live 2 1/2hrs away but we regularly keep in touch and, as I often find myself in his community, we see and spend time with one another at least once monthly. I just had lunch with him only days before my father inadvertently told me (maybe accidentally on purpose to ease the burden of keeping a secret). Why would he have not let me know at that time?

The others are perfectly correct that I let him know I am aware of this and ask him what is up with keeping me out of the loop. I ought to tell him I feel he is intentionally being secretive when it comes to me and that my feelings are hurt. This is so much easier to talk about than do.

Thanks to all for your support and thank you Bill for your query.

Bill3 · Oct 05, 2018 at 10:59 AM

Here is another perspective, considering that you are close with him.

Maybe he hasn’t decided whether she is good enough to introduce to you? Or maybe he has decided but he wanted to introduce her to you in a special way?

I suggest that you have an open mind when you speak to him.

Oct 05, 2018 at 11:19 AM

I agree with Bill to keep an open mind. Ask him if you really want to know but I would personally try to be careful about making him feel bad or making him feel pressured. You could also just tell him you heard about his girlfriend and you sincerely hope he is happy. Try to stay positive and keep an open mind about the whole thing. I know you feel hurt... that’s probably best to be mostly expressed to us here and maybe you can work through those feelings first before you talk to him about that... I would feel hurt too... I have been in your shoes... many times... Staying positive and open minded in these situations has helped me the most. That’s my personal opinion of course... coming from the heart as I know how hard it is... and in no way meant to be forcing any advice on you. ❤️

eskielover · Oct 05, 2018 at 05:20 PM

Quote:

The others are perfectly correct that I let him know I am aware of this and ask him what is up with keeping me out of the loop. I ought to tell him I feel he is intentionally being secretive when it comes to me and that my feelings are hurt.

I have observed mother/son relationships. It would be MUCH better to just say you heard he has a girlfriend & then LET HIM take it from there. Everything else yiu have suggested saying does nothing more than try to lay a "guilt trip" on him for making YOU FEEL the way you have chosen to feel. That would not go over very well if I were your son. Any time you go on the offensive it ALWAYS puts the other person on the deffensive.....not good for relationships ever & especially NOT mother/son in relation to a GF.

healingme4me · Oct 05, 2018 at 06:00 PM

^^^What Bill said

Buffy01 · Oct 05, 2018 at 09:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

Well, I learned that my son (26) has a girlfriend. Apparently they have been seeing one another some time. He has already introduced her to his older sister, father, and even step-father. Meanwhile I didn't even know she existed until someone inadvertently let the cat out of the bag. I feel hurt and miffed by this. Am I wrong to be assuming I purposely haven't been told and included?

Naturally my first thoughts turn to that of him being embarrassed of his bat poop crazy mom.

I think this is a normal reaction.

downandlonely · Oct 05, 2018 at 09:08 PM

I would be hurt by this as well. I can't read your son's mind, so I don't know why he chose not to introduce her to you, but you have the right to be hurt.

eskielover · Oct 06, 2018 at 01:51 AM

It may be a normal feeling to be hurt by this but how we respond can still make a huge difference in building a wall between you or paving a pathway for communication.....how you respond does make a difference whether you are hurt or not.

healingme4me · Oct 06, 2018 at 04:55 AM

I think sons have such a complex way on a mother's heart. I think the open mind aspect is to not rush to the assumption that the lack of a introduction is because of the worst. Not that you the OP don't have reason to have a multitude of emotions about the topic. You mention being close.
Maybe ask him with a hypothetical? If he were to have a gf, how would this play out in introduction? Has he had other gf's before that you've met? And what happened when he did?

MickeyCheeky · Oct 06, 2018 at 05:04 AM

To be fair, I'd be pretty embarassed if I had a girlfriend and had to tell my mother

so perhaps that may be another reason why. Anyway, I agree to talk about it with him. There may be many reasons for him acting like this, especially if you're generally very close.

healingme4me · Oct 06, 2018 at 05:29 AM

As a most unusual universe coincidence between the timing of your thread and the conversation that I just had now with my very soon to be 13year old son. He has a desire for me to "do something" about this 1 lagging bin of childhood toys before his friends come over sometime this week for his birthday. My 15yr old son went through this around this age.

Soooo....I'm picturing my own sons desires to show utterly no display of life before becoming a teenager and imagining what 26 could look like bringing home a significant other. Maybe it's they want all traces of youth removed? As a sign of identity? Something only you(basically) their mom would know?

but that's my gut feeling.

Buffy01 · Oct 07, 2018 at 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Ask him, one on one, if you must, but be prepared for anything

That is.Great advice!

Buffy01 · Oct 07, 2018 at 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I would be hurt by this as well. I can't read your son's mind, so I don't know why he chose not to introduce her to you, but you have the right to be hurt.

I completely agree with you!

Buffy01 · Oct 07, 2018 at 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lady411

Talk to him about how you feel being left out of his life

That great advice!

Buffy01 · Oct 07, 2018 at 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

Only way to know is to ask why he didn't let you know. You may not like what he says or he may just be diplomatic depending on how he may expect you will react to how he really feels.

OR it may just have never been convenient timing for a meeting with you yet....may be hard to tell for sure.

That possible!

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SorryShaped Grand Magnate Member Since Mar 2017 Location: Kentucky Posts: 3,273 7	Oct 04, 2018 at 03:29 PM #2 Ask him, one on one, if you must, but be prepared for anything
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lady411 Member Member Since Feb 2018 Location: US Posts: 162 6 2 hugs given	Oct 04, 2018 at 04:39 PM #3 Talk to him about how you feel being left out of his life
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	Oct 04, 2018 at 05:38 PM #5 In general, how well do you get along with him?
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	Oct 05, 2018 at 10:59 AM #7 Here is another perspective, considering that you are close with him. Maybe he hasn’t decided whether she is good enough to introduce to you? Or maybe he has decided but he wanted to introduce her to you in a special way? I suggest that you have an open mind when you speak to him.
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healingme4me Perpetually Pondering Community Liaison Member Since Apr 2013 Location: New England Posts: 46,298 (SuperPoster!) 11 4,168 hugs given	Oct 05, 2018 at 06:00 PM #10 ^^^What Bill said
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downandlonely Legendary Member Since Mar 2018 Location: United States Posts: 10,760 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.6k hugs given	Oct 05, 2018 at 09:08 PM #12 I would be hurt by this as well. I can't read your son's mind, so I don't know why he chose not to introduce her to you, but you have the right to be hurt.
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MickeyCheeky Legendary Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Italy Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!) 7 38.4k hugs given	Oct 06, 2018 at 05:04 AM #15 To be fair, I'd be pretty embarassed if I had a girlfriend and had to tell my mother so perhaps that may be another reason why. Anyway, I agree to talk about it with him. There may be many reasons for him acting like this, especially if you're generally very close.
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