Need help getting to the core of what I'm feeling...

I'm having a difficult time today. My husband has been looking to leave his job where we live for nearly a year. I don't want to move, but because of his employment and retirement setup, there isn't anything locally available that would be workable for him. We had the discussion at length about this, and eventually he wore me down to agreeing to apply for two specific positions.

He did not get those jobs. Now, he's applied for a third, and today on his lunch he came home to tell me about a fourth. He asked what I thought, and I told him not to apply for the fourth; it's in a state in near last place nationally for schools, and I don't want that for our kids. Having anticipated that concern (which I've mentioned in the past when he thought this job would open, and we agreed that it wasn't a good location), he mentioned that he talked to the person leaving the position and she said there are some good private and charter school options around. We can't afford private, but I told him I can't make that decision today. If he wants to research the school options and present me with what he finds out, we can talk about it. His reply was that it all looks the same to him and he can't see the difference between schools where we are and schools in other places. So, essentially, he wants me to be OK with him applying, even after we agreed (before it was a real option) that we don't want to move there with the school situation, but he can't possible do any of the research about the schools because it's all the same to him.

I'm just so infuriated with him - when the last position he didn't get was closed, all he kept saying was he was really upset about that, but relieved that the decision was made so he wasn't in limbo. He was so looking forward to not being in the middle of all that, and he was committed to settling back into his job and our lives here (in the meantime, he was working away from the area for the last 4 months). LITERALLY WITHIN 2 DAYS, he applied for the 3rd job and threw himself right back into the process.

I think what frustrates me the most is the feeling that I can't trust what he's saying to me. He tells me over and over that the kids and I are his first priority, but his actions CLEARLY prioritize his fulfillment at work. When we moved to our current city, he said over and over that he wanted to make this move so that he would be home more often with us. But he has taken many 3- to 4-month job details since we've been here that are headquartered elsewhere, so we barely see him during those times. I always felt in my gut that his priority was to do this job because it was exciting and new to him. A couple of nights ago when we were talking about the 3rd application he put out, he said that he moved here because the job was new and exciting. When I pointed out that he wanted to be home more, he sort of looked at me, nodded, but then said it was because he wanted to do this job specifically - that it was fun, new, exciting, etc. During our original talks about moving here, I mentioned that I didn't want to move at that time because it felt like he was just looking for the greener grass. He denied that so many times, I gave up on it. His mantra became, "I just want to be sure I'm doing the right thing for our family."

I can't express concisely what the dynamic is that's going on here, but I'm sick of it. I told him at lunch today to put in for whatever opportunity comes up, since our priority here is CLEARLY getting him out of the job he's in right now. So it doesn't really matter where we go - he needs to take care of spreading his net as wide as possible, and we'll make something work wherever we end up until he's done with that place, too. I wish I could describe better what sickens me about this process, but it's somewhere in the middle of 1) feeling like he beats me down by talking the same thing over and over in circles until I just can't listen to it anymore and give in to whatever it is he's wanting me to agree to so that I don't have to discuss it anymore; and 2) listening to him couch the reasoning behind the decisions in the falseness about it being about our family and all our needs.

Is there a name for all this? Or does anyone have the ability to see through the emotion that is clouding my mind to suss out the kernels of conflict here that are making me insane? I'm not used to not being able to put my finger on it in a concise way (hence the long post...).

One of my sons does that talk in circles thing. The badgering. Repetitive. At this age it's defiance. I am not sure what it is at an adult level.
It's draining. It sucks. It might have some obsessiveness and compulsion behind it, for him.

One thing that stood out about your husband's "rationalizations" is the mention of retirement planning and companies nearby don't offer it? He's only been there for a little over a year. I'm left asking to myself-and now here-what retirement planning?? Is there some sort of longevity in his job history? What reasons are those other 2 applications not landing him a job?

Is the need for new and exciting a way of running from himself? Where's the stability?

Are you in any way self sufficient or capable of being so, in a pinch?

I've spent a few minutes pondering this because of spending time recently with a male friend (not intimate) who is in his 50's - basically a sound person, but running after excitement and a false sense of competence. He tells me one thing and seems to believe it himself in that moment, then immediately does the opposite - over less important issues than yours - but that still gives me an emotional feeling of unreality and confusion.

The first word that popped up from my subconscious was Addiction. because addictive behaviour closes out other people like your h seems to be closing out the strengths in your relationship. But also I wonder whether men live out trauma differently to women: not necessarily major trauma, but the daily pressure to be compete and be "male", whatever that means to them. Traumatised people can run round like headless chickens believing that their repetitive behaviour is reasonable while their friends and family know otherwise.

My challenge with this friend is holding my own intention and boundaries when constantly being pulled into his drama. It's not so much fighting him as being sensitive to my own need to focus somewhere else. Is that an issue for you?

You talk about your children's needs, but I wonder how this is playing out for you emotionally. I think you said you are angry. It seems that your husband isn't engaging with your anger, or with how you feel? The external disruptions are reflected in the emotional disruption of not being engaged together emotionally. Probably a classic couple problem?

I am just reflecting from my own very limited relationship experience. Your husband sounds emotionally unstable at this point, and it must be horrible for you if he doesn't engage when you feel angry or upset by his behaviours.

I feel for you and wish you strength to eventually come through to a better place!