How to trust my spouse again

Hello guys, I was hoping to get some relationship advice here since I am kind of scared to tell my friends. I told one of them and he instantly blocked me, which is another topic I want to talk about.

So, I have been in a relationship with my spouse for 3 years now. I am 22 years old at the moment and he is 24. I take this relationship very serious and I care about him a lot. We lived together for 2 of those years, and I recently moved back to my home country (the Netherlands, he lives in Australia. we lived in the Netherlands for one year and in Australia for the other).

In my home country: There was a point in our relationship where I felt unsure if he actually loved me. Since I didn't have any friends, I told him I wanted to befriend his ex girlfriend to see if he still had feelings for her, since at the start of our relationship he kept talking about the wonderful memories he had of her. A week or so after, I woke up in my bed. It was empty. I went downstairs into the shed of the backyard, and he sat there. I had the feeling something was wrong. I asked "who were you talking to?". He first tried to cover it up with a lie, but then he started crying and telling me that he started to get feelings for his ex-girlfriend again and that they were just on video call. He also admitted she sent nudes and he asked for more. I forgave him, but I still brought it up now and then. Not aggresively, but it didn't stop haunting me. Even now.

In his home country: Not long after this incident, I moved in with him in Australia. At first I was really quiet to his friends but eventually after a month or so started to talk a bit. I am really disappointed in myself for my lack of communication skills that are connected to my depression and 4 years of isolation which also plays a big part in our relationship issues. His friends tried to be nice and accepting, and I appreciated it a lot. I knew it wasn't because I deserved to be respected, but I still appreciated it. Eventually they started hating me because they noticed all I am is a bunch of problems. I had suicide attempts, cry a lot and the worst part is when I am hurt I get angry, and over the smallest things: my partner getting annoyed at me & failing to do something (drawing, writing, video games). And I get REALLY upset. Also because I don't feel like my spouse loves me, I tried to get him away from his friends because it made me upset too especially because I had to be alone all the time, his friends disliked me and even if they didn't they aren't my friends (not because I refuse to be friends with them). I have considered going home for the sake of his life many times, but he wanted me to stay. Just a few days ago, I decided to go home. I didn't break up with him but I feel very betrayed. He has been masturbating to pictures of my sister, and admitted to have urges for a long time. Yet, he never uses my pictures.

He says he wants to be with me still, but how can I believe this? Is there anything I can do, or I can ask from him?
He rarely talks to me, and I am afraid when I don't talk he's going back to his ex-girlfriend.
I told him in order to make this relationship work I also need to get rid of my depression. But I don't know how..

Break up with him and get a divorce. He has feelings for other women and is practically cheating on you. Why waste another minute?? Please gain some self respect and get out of this relationship. You deserve far better.

I agree that you deserve better than this. This relationship could be the root cause of your depression. I would move on... get out while you can and while you don’t have any kids together.

I'm sorry to hear this. Yes, he doesn't seem like a stable and faithful person. Have you tried to offer couple therapy to him? Also, his friends treated you horribly Does he know this?

I won't get into what you deserve. You would do well to get into counseling. With a skilled therapist, you might take a hard look at your approach to having a relationship, which I think is very problematic. Otherwise, whether you resume this relationship, or more on to another, you are headed for a lot of trouble in life.

It sounds like this young man you describe and you, yourself, have some maturing to do before either one of you can be successful in a "spousal" relationship.

This is unhealthy relationship with unfaithful man. You are better off ending it

I'm really sorry you're going through all this.

Coming from someone who has been cheated on and emotionally/mentally abused for over 16 years and still suffers every single day from it...you need to take care of yourself and get out of that relationship like 5 minutes ago. It's not healthy and you know this. It's just that when we love people we tend to make excuses for them or ignore or downplay their behavior because we don't want to take it at face value. Trust me. Staying in your marriage is only going to do significant damage to you as a person and you don't want that. You don't deserve it. Trying to "fix" yourself afterwards is a harder task than you could ever prepare yourself for.

Good luck to you and you can do this. You deserve better and you will find it