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Default Aug 16, 2019 at 10:06 AM
  #101
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
I found that article spot-on.

In my younger days, any guy that ever started out as a "friend" evenutually wanted to have sex (unless he was happily married.) And it's not like I was some bomb-shell knock-out in the looks department. I was reasonably attractive. I'm thinking of male neighbors I had when I was single. I lived in a small apartment building where everyone was friendly and single. We borrowed things from each other. A male neighbor would stop by for a chat. Without exception each eventually came on to me for a physical connection. What was worse was when I found out that one male neighbor was telling the other male neighbors that he had been having sex with me. I liked all of them and was sexually interested in none of them. The "friendships," which I really wanted and valued became untenable. Because I was young and unattached, each guy seemed to take it as an insulting rejection that I wasn't willing to hop into bed with him.

I think it's normal for a guy to be interested in sex with just about any female he finds attractive. If a young woman is not attractive to him, he probably isn't too interested in "hanging out" with her either. Why would he be? For what?

When I was in school, it was common for male and female students to study together and get pretty friendly. Most of us were married or in stable relationships. We had each other over for dinner. Those friendships didn't last too long after we stopped being classmates.

I got friendly with the male relatives of my girlfriends. We hung out together. Sooner or later, though, their interest in me turned sexual. Young men, especially if they are unattached, tend to interpret a woman's "friendliness" as a sign that she might be open to dating them. I'ld say that any woman who isn't brain-dead knows perfectly well when a male "friend" is attracted to her and would welcome more than friendship. Men are very easy to read on that score. This gets uncomfortable for the woman who values the friendship but does not want more than that. She dreads having to hurt the guy.

We women are capable of really enjoying the company of men that we are not sexually attracted to. (That's where I think the genders are different.) I've known guys that I loved having conversations with and would really liked to have hung out with, but I knew good-and-well that, if I had shown them that level of interest, they would have wanted "a date." Then I would have had to reject their advance, which I'm sure would have been hurtful. For me to say, 'I like you as a friend, but that's it." means: "I don't find you sexually attractive." or it could mean: "You might attract me, but I see you've got issues that I don't want to be burdened with." If a man comes across as very emotionally needy, a woman may fear that he'll be devastated, if dating doesn't lead to commitment. So she decides it's too risky to even give him a chance (though she might find him attractive.)

Many years ago, I met a guy who I thought was okay, but I doubted I'ld want more than a casual fling with him. (For one thing, I thought he was too old for me . . . and he had other obvious problems.) He seemed to be relaxed and confident, so I didn't think he'ld be shattered, if we had some fun together, and I then moved on. (I was planning to move to another state in a few months.) He even said to me that he didn't think going out with someone for a while was a reason to get overly hung up on them. He seemed like a fairly happy guy who wasn't going to make me his "reason for living." So I didn't feel pressured. I think we both expected no more than some casual fun that probably wouldn't last. 30 years later, we're still together. Sometimes you just gotta lighten up and allow things to unfold as they will. The last thing on earth I expected was to fall in love with this guy. We were out having a few drinks together when he said, "You know, I really like you." He said it like he felt surprised, himself, to feel that way.

He had an quality that smart women like. He didn't have a bad word to say about his ex-wife or about any woman he'ld ever dated. He seemed to have zero bitterness over what he'ld been through with women. His divorce had been painful for him, but he did not speak critically of his ex. That sat well with me.

If a guy I was on a date with started telling me how his ex was a byeech, or how he had been terribly heart-broken by women, I would run for the hills. So would a lot of women. A woman with anything on the ball will tend to avoid guys who come across as deeply wounded or full of hurt. Bitterness and/or resentfulness in a man (or in anyone) is extremely unattractive. "Please console me because I've been so hurt by life." is absolutely the wrong message to put out there.

Ladies like guys who can make them laugh.
very interesting post. What is the quality smart women like?

How can women tell a man is interested on more than friendship?

Do men on dates really go on about all the byeeches who hurt them?

One lady i dated complained about people turning up for dates dirty or bringing a dirt cheap gift of cheapest sweets available. And of one man who wanted to go up to the bedroom of the hotel she was in when she stayed overnight to meet him.
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Default Aug 16, 2019 at 03:27 PM
  #102
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Originally Posted by LonelyMan View Post
very interesting post. What is the quality smart women like?

How can women tell a man is interested on more than friendship?

Do men on dates really go on about all the byeeches who hurt them?

One lady i dated complained about people turning up for dates dirty or bringing a dirt cheap gift of cheapest sweets available. And of one man who wanted to go up to the bedroom of the hotel she was in when she stayed overnight to meet him.
Smart women pay attention to how a man talks about (or to) other women, especially women that he's been in a relationship/marriage with. Having the mother of your children tell you that she wants you out of her life is about as hurtful as it gets. (Though, usually, the woman has a pretty good reason.) When a man who's been through that manages to pull himself together and move on without harboring a bunch of bitterness, it shows there's something very positive and healthy in his mental make up. It shows that he probably takes some responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage, which is another sign of a good attitude.

A man who runs down his ex-wife or his ex-girlfriends has a "victim mentality." He believed he could have had a good life, but this no-good woman came along and ruined his life. Smart people realize that we make our own lives, and we make our own happiness or misery. A guy who claims a woman ruined his life is a baby, IMO. Feel free to disagree. I believe that, and I haven't found too many successful people who disagree with me. I'm just giving it to you straight. Many people won't be that blunt, but will quietly think it.

So a woman notices when a man who has been through the pain of some failed relationships doesn't moan and whine about it. It shows he's got some emotional maturity. It shows he doesn't carry around hostility toward women (which smart women run like heck away from.) It shows he's not into "blaming." It shows he "rolls with the punches" in life. It shows he's probably not an abuser. A guy who can have a positive attitude toward a woman who dumped him is a guy who tends to have a good attitude about a lot of things. A smart woman takes that in. The same guy can have a lot of faults. But his positive attitude rules out some of the biggest faults that cause serious problems for women.

Men who harbor hostility toward women tend to put it right out there. I was on a date with a guy who pulled out the stops on showing me a really good time. It was probably the best date I ever went on. He planned the whole day and spared no expense. We had drinks with dinner and then went to a bar with a dance floor and band. As the alcohol took affect, his tongue loosened up. He told me his ex-wife was beautiful, but said she was a byeech. The barmaid was really busy and didn't come over after he called her a few times to refresh our drinks. So he yelled out, "Hey Byeetch!" That killed off any interest I had in him. He noticed the change in my demeanor. I became quite cool. He took me home and didn't bother to call again. I was glad he took the hint. I have zero tolerance for men who display that kind of hostility.

Some men, who are not the angry-hostile type, will do a lot of crying about how victimized they were by women they had been involved with. That's another romance-killer for me. It's just not "cool." I'm thinking: "So why were you so stupid in your choice of women?" and, "Why did it take you so long to figure out your ex-girlfriend was a user?" and, "Why did you marry this woman, if she was no good? Are you that easily fooled?" (Then you're probably too stupid for me to want to be with.) People with any sense use "a screening process," when they're evaluating another person's potential. You just don't take everything a person says at face value. You analyze it. A man will tell me all kinds of things about himself that he doesn't even realize he's saying. (So will a woman.) You have to read between the lines. Most people do exactly that. To avoid giving a bad impression, you have to cultivate a good attitude.
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Default Aug 16, 2019 at 06:05 PM
  #103
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Originally Posted by LonelyMan View Post

How can women tell a man is interested on more than friendship?
Here's the simplest, shortest answer:

A guy who looks for opportunities to be around a woman is sexually attracted to her. If a guy is willing to set aside time to be in a woman's company, he is attracted to her.

"But couldn't he just be looking for friendship?" Not unless he's getting his need for intimacy met somewhere else. And, if he does have a woman who meets that need, then you got to wonder: why is he spending time with his female-friend that he could be spending with his female-partner? Suppose my guy says to me: "Honey, I'll be a bit late getting home tonight because I'm stopping at the diner for coffee with my friend, Mary." My response will be: "Don't bother coming home at all."

Here's another scenario: My guy says this - "Honey, would you mind if I invite Mary to have dinner with us tomorrow night? She's an old friend and her house just burned down." My response will be: "Sure. Does she have a place to sleep?" Couples socialize "as couples."

Naturally, men who work with me, or attend class with me, are also going to talk to me. They may sit with me in the cafeteria, at work or at school. But, if one of them asks me, "So what do you do with your weekends?," I'm not going to figure that the guy is just taking a survey.

Another clue is the desire to be helpful. If a guy says he could loan me a tool for a project I'm working on, that's being friendly. If the guy says he'ld be glad to come over on his day off and do some repair work on my car or on my home, then that guy finds me attractive . . . or . . . he needs to get a life.
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Default Aug 16, 2019 at 08:26 PM
  #104
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
Here's the simplest, shortest answer:

A guy who looks for opportunities to be around a woman is sexually attracted to her. If a guy is willing to set aside time to be in a woman's company, he is attracted to her.

"But couldn't he just be looking for friendship?" Not unless he's getting his need for intimacy met somewhere else. And, if he does have a woman who meets that need, then you got to wonder: why is he spending time with his female-friend that he could be spending with his female-partner? Suppose my guy says to me: "Honey, I'll be a bit late getting home tonight because I'm stopping at the diner for coffee with my friend, Mary." My response will be: "Don't bother coming home at all."

Here's another scenario: My guy says this - "Honey, would you mind if I invite Mary to have dinner with us tomorrow night? She's an old friend and her house just burned down." My response will be: "Sure. Does she have a place to sleep?" Couples socialize "as couples."

Naturally, men who work with me, or attend class with me, are also going to talk to me. They may sit with me in the cafeteria, at work or at school. But, if one of them asks me, "So what do you do with your weekends?," I'm not going to figure that the guy is just taking a survey.

Another clue is the desire to be helpful. If a guy says he could loan me a tool for a project I'm working on, that's being friendly. If the guy says he'ld be glad to come over on his day off and do some repair work on my car or on my home, then that guy finds me attractive . . . or . . . he needs to get a life.
very interesting. Thanks
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 08:05 PM
  #105
So it's over, I called her up and ended the friendship and blocked her but it was a short calm civil phone call and I told her I will let her go, she did not tell me she had to go but we talked about our day before this took place and she told me updates on what's happening in her life. Apparently this whole time I had way different expectations then she did, she does not wanna hang out with friends often and still wants to pay me back and got annoyed when I told her I am just letting it go (the money, she asked me what's going to happen about the payments). I told her I needed a break (but I ain't coming back). Told me she hopes it's not a long break and she will respect my decision and still wants to hang out and enjoy eachothers company, text, talk on the phone when I decide to come back and wishes she could pay me outright. Told her how I wanted to hang out more and she told me she wanted to hang out more, she thought we were with every 2 months? she's not into once a month or a few times a month, she is busy with things (but family and boyfriend take up her time, so lies there).

Told her how it feels so 1 sided because everything is relied on only me, we only communicate if I text her, only hangout if I ask to hang out, only talk on the phone if I wanna talk on the phone and said it should not be 50-50 obviously but maybe 70-30? and she said she understands how it feels and knows it feels like the other person doesn't care but doesn't mean to offend me. Well guess what? it's bloody offending (never said that). She also said when we resume being friends she hopes I will be ok with only hanging out every couple months like everyone else she is friends is..

If friendship means **** to you and you're not a priority, I rather just find people that do value that stuff then waste my time then being a joke to someone I truely cared about. I guess I really am the joke, huh? Yes I am very bitter and told her it's better we take a break. She was not sad or angry, was very neutral about all of this.

As for the person asking how I knew about her troubles...I text her and she told me it was her turn in the hospital. Then I am like "OMG are you alright" or along those lines (it's on my old phone I don't use). I asked if I can visit her, she said no there is too much going on and is good with only her family seeing her. I stayed texting her every couple days for a month and a half asking about her and she was still in hospital, asked again if I can see her, it is no trouble to me and it would be great seeing that she was ok, refused me AGAIN! but telling me I am the best and the only person that asked her to come see her make sure she was ok. When people question friendships because the friends did not see them I laugh and think to myself "try having a friend refuse you to see them in the hospital".

I guess now I am done here, I ended the friendship so nothing left to talk about.
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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 09:19 AM
  #106
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I don't actually thinks she wants me to leave, I say I want to leave because I got huge abbandonment issues due to my mom I think leaving when I was a kid but that's a whole nother story and I feel unworthy of people coming into my life, so maybe get people to look bad in my eyes so everyone can agree for me to take off or something like that. Also when I notice people get close or I start thinking they like me I start feeling weirded out and change a little, but I keep to my stories. Example...when we got really close I'd not always answer the phone right away and just looked at it because I felt weirded out getting a call thinking maybe that person likes me...WTF!!!!!???? so I would just call later.
THIS is what you have been trying to fix. You are trying to FIX being rejected. And your father tends to get in the way of that goal when he tells you it's a waste of time. You are FIXATED on this woman because she represents a puzzle you feel you need to fix that was more about your mother abandoning you that you were too young to prevent and are probably thinking YOU simply were not good enough for her to want to stay and be your mother and LOVE and CARE for you.

Unfortunately, things can happen to us in our childhoods that present us with some kind of problem we may feel compelled to solve that can bother us for the rest of our lives even.

My father's mother just up and left one day, she never let him know where she was either. His way of fixing that challenge was to marry a woman he knew loved him more than he loved her. He constantly put my mother down, was very controlling over her, did not want her to experience healthy self esteem either. My witnessing this as a child COMPLETELY confused me as I could not understand why my father was often mean to my mother. Basically what I was witnessing is how my father punished my mother for something HIS mother did that he never wanted to experience again including how that made him feel. He himself was not fully aware of that yet my older brother did hear him say, "Marry a woman that loves you more than you love her, that way she will never leave and you will have more control over her".

You are trying to fix how you felt in your past and because this woman remains elusive even though you keep trying to get her to "care" about you. This is your effort to finally FIX whatever you experienced in your past with your mother. And when others tell you she isn't interested etc., you don't want to hear that, it may even trigger you because what you really want is to find a way to FIX that old wound you have in you from your mother abandoning you.
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Default Aug 26, 2019 at 10:16 AM
  #107
I want to add that when I was hospitalized I did not want visitors, I was too sick to see anyone and needed to be able to doze off when I needed to. When someone is in the hospital, they have people coming and going to take blood and administer medications and it's actually not very restful when in a hospital due to some major illness. The last thing I needed to think about is looking presentable to visitors, I needed to rest and heal, NOT worry about looking presentable or being strong enough to have people visiting me.
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