There is this friend

There are people here who don’t use “tough love” ... my parental units were masters at invalidation. And so called “tough love” which in fact was Malignant Narcissism and abuse. GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Hugs to you

I'm wondering how someone can email you money?

At any rate, it sounds like, as the chance of you and her resuming a friendship goes down, your interest in getting repaid the money goes up. I guess that's only human. When you loan money to someone, there's always a chance of not getting all of it back. Even when that seems to be happening, I don't think it's all that cool to be telling others that she owes you money. That should be between you and her. If she is aware that you've told someone about the loan, that could make her feel bad.

You seem to go back and forth between having fond feelings toward this young woman and taking a pretty harsh view of her. It's like you think she's either a very dear person, or she's a douche. That's pretty extreme thinking. She might be somewhere in between. Most people are.

This gal has an 18 y.o. daughter. So she's into her 30s, maybe pushing 40, or beyond. The relationship she had with her daughter's dad fell apart. So she has just her own income to depend on. She's surviving on what she makes waitressing. It wasn't enough to allow her to keep her house. The loss of the home meant the loss of a lot of dreams. She wonders if she'll have money for her daughter's wedding, which may come up in a few years. She's sad that future grandchildren will be visiting her in an apartment, instead of playing in her home with a yard. She's wondering what she'll do when she's 60 years old. It can be hard to waitress at that age, and she can't get full Social Security until she's at least 67 or older. She may not have money saved in a pension plan, and that worries her. Maybe her life was going to be way different, if she was in a marriage that was working out. That dream fell apart. This person has worries . . . major worries.

You may not be a lot younger than her, but you are at a whole different phase of life . . . because you don't have to worry about any dependents. She sees time running out for her. She's not where she thought she was going to be at this point.

Like you, I have no kids. I skip through life footloose and fancy-free. I see how women with kids look at life drastically different from how I do. When a woman, with even just one child, loses a partner, life becomes tough . . . especially if that woman is not in some high-paying profession. There is much about this gal's world - and the challenges in it - that is outside the scope of your experience. That can make forming a bond hard.

It's not that you're a failure as a human being. It's more that she is recovering from failures in her life - which she will probably never fully recover from. And how much of this even occurs to you to think about? You do care about people's problems, when you know what they are. There's a lot you don't know.

I don't hate her, I hate myself. My extreme problems I have are all because of what I think of myself. She aint a douche at all and even with what I say about things online what has happened between us it's just online stuff, it's just my own perspective and it takes 2 to tango and I am kind of unreliable because of how I see things in the most extreme way when things change, you're just seeing my hell I am giving pieces of, i've not given the whole horror story. It's also hard to paint a picture from what I have been saying because to understand a situation you got to really understand it in person, online written words are meaningless. She helped me at a time I was down and I clung on, which I am going to say sorry to her for. I am just going to go for that coffee and walk with her and just ask her straight up and not to hold back if we should continue and that I am sorry for clinging on. If she still wants to, I figure this whole thing I've built up is just nonsense and I am just looking at pieces i've read online and put them as what we are and I'll try to give her her space but also be there for her if the time ever arose. I'm pretty sure I have proven I'll be there for her no matter what with that whole hospital/money thing. If we aren't cool then I will back off.

She also followed her dreams and no longer is a waitress, she lives with her 2 kids and is around her mother all the time, tells me to let things go and let whatever it is play out the way it's meant to be. Don't actually take what I say about her as what she is, it's what I think of myself. I messaged her on FB i've got something that has been eating away at me for a long long time I need to ask and I respect her then to just say it over a text. If she still wants to remain friends and do things together then I'll know it's true and I am going to be different, I am going to worry less about her and worry more about me because I really can't stand myself and how I go through these extremes any longer. I'll call every now and then, go to events she actually invites me to rather then ignore them, go for coffees or whatever she wants to do or I want to do. Also to tell her to call me whenever she wants...good day, bad day, just wants to talk i'm there. She also sold her house because it was too much money for her now and she was looking to sell it anyway, too many bad memories (see, you can't see the whole picture) and was looking to find another place to live with her 2 daughters anyway.

If she wants me to back off, i'll just be around to collect the money and that's it. No coffees/walks to say wassup, just meet her at say her work or my work and get it and that's that. I gotta be my own man now, I got stuff I want to do before I die and I need to do them. Emailing money just means like a email transfer. I've done it before through my app on my phone.

I don't actually thinks she wants me to leave, I say I want to leave because I got huge abbandonment issues due to my mom I think leaving when I was a kid but that's a whole nother story and I feel unworthy of people coming into my life, so maybe get people to look bad in my eyes so everyone can agree for me to take off or something like that. Also when I notice people get close or I start thinking they like me I start feeling weirded out and change a little, but I keep to my stories. Example...when we got really close I'd not always answer the phone right away and just looked at it because I felt weirded out getting a call thinking maybe that person likes me...WTF!!!!!???? so I would just call later.

Human - there are other people in the world. Give someone else a chance.

Put your wallet away. Offer your time and interest to others. Let go of 2017. It's history. Soon it will be 2019. It will come with opportunities. Be alert for them. You won't even spot them. if you're living in the past.

Sometimes life won't give us the exact, specific thing or person we want. So you see what else and who else is available. Or you can say: "No, I want what I want , and I'm not settling for anything else." It's like holding your breath till you turn blue because the exact outcome you wanted didn't come about. That is being a chump. You have to be flexible . . . ready to switch plans . . . ready to change what you target. Life laughs at us when we're not.

It is hurtful to find that a bond you thought existed isn't there. I've felt the pain. You want to ask the person - "Why? What happened?" Sometimes you just don't get an answer. There's no law of the Universe that says we have a right to get answers to what puzzles or perplexed us. Somethings we'll just never know . . . never understand. It takes some humility to accept that. That's the road to wisdom, IMHO. Stop picking at a wound, and it can heal.

Hate can get to be a bad habit. It distorts everything. Hate is the enemy of reason. Habits are hard to break. Don't keep feeding a bad habit. When that inner voice is saying: "I hate . . . I hate . . . I hate . . . " no smart thinking can take place. You don't have to put the "Welcome Mat" out for "Hate." That's a bad habit.

I think you guys were right. Despite what she has told me, seems she just tells me what I want to hear. She's been hanging around her friends and back when we met up she told me in the car she wants me to come with her when she goes out, never invites me though. Text me a few days ago thanks for that loan, how she really appreciates me, thanks for all the support I gave her. What happened to the day she said she wants a small group of close friends? or that what I did for her she now has time for people that matter to her? why am I not someone that matters to her?she did say what I did for her is why she's at her dream job now. Just a chump I guess. She keeps being happy I will be calling her but I aint calling her now.

I really am a worthless human being and should give up like my dad tells me.

((((Human3284)))) I'm so sorry you're struggling.

Nothing I can do. I already had the talk with her when we met up and she acted convinced she was serious. I don't get why she wants me to phone her when she really wants nothing to do with me. Nor do I know what I did to deserve this...we only hang out a few times a year and wanted more time to hang out with her, want her to call me along with me calling her.

The reality is...I REALLY miss the summer of 2017 and think back constantly to those days when we were extremly close, but I have no idea how I am supposed to grow this "friendship" when it seems like just me who wants it. I still read our old text convos from summer 2017 on my old phone.

Human - there are other people in the world. Give someone else a chance.

Put your wallet away. Offer your time and interest to others. Let go of 2017. It's history. Soon it will be 2019. It will come with opportunities. Be alert for them. You won't even spot them. if you're living in the past.

Sometimes life won't give us the exact, specific thing or person we want. So you see what else and who else is available. Or you can say: "No, I want what I want , and I'm not settling for anything else." It's like holding your breath till you turn blue because the exact outcome you wanted didn't come about. That is being a chump. You have to be flexible . . . ready to switch plans . . . ready to change what you target. Life laughs at us when we're not.

It is hurtful to find that a bond you thought existed isn't there. I've felt the pain. You want to ask the person - "Why? What happened?" Sometimes you just don't get an answer. There's no law of the Universe that says we have a right to get answers to what puzzles or perplexed us. Somethings we'll just never know . . . never understand. It takes some humility to accept that. That's the road to wisdom, IMHO. Stop picking at a wound, and it can heal.

I don't think you are a "chump" for helping someone reach their dream job. I think that was admirable of you.

I will slowly distance myself from her until we both don't realize we aren't communicating and life goes on. Idk what I will do if she noticed we had not talked in a long time and asks what happened, probably just tell her the truth and maybe one day we would reconnect when we are older or something. She text me when I book an appointment (massage therapist) it's free of charge, but I told her I rather pay for it, you know to support the new biz.


I'm a chump for thinking maybe we could have been friends. We had that connection for that 1 summer, 1 time I still remember really vividly her next to me on a bench talking about everything and saying stuff like "let's move forward, right now", it was the most open and non nervous/awkward moment I had had with her, could just keep talking and talking and so could she, we even flirted, she held my hand appreciating what I did for her,. I'd do it all over again and help her if I could and I text her that I was glad she accepted my help and that if she is ever in trouble again I hope she would let me help her again and that I also appreciate her, but I need to leave I think. I guess some things you will never know the answer to, like this. I guess it was a bit of a romantic friendship in a way.