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Default Nov 28, 2018 at 01:22 PM
  #61
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Originally Posted by Human3284 View Post
Something poped into my mind, was wondering if this is true or just a part of my negative thinking that I need to get away from somehow?

So she was going to phone me Tuesday but I got tired and text her I was going to bed, looked like she was looking forward to talking to me but anyway I called her and we talked for an hour today, talked about a bunch of stuff including what about phone calls? like if she likes them or if people call her often? Nobody calls her, not even her sister and said she guesses nobody likes talking on the phone, said I would call her once a month and she was ok with that. She does not keep in contact with anyone by the sounds of it, they all have to text or call her to stay around. But she said she's not talked to one of these girls in a loooong time and should invite her over.

What popped into my head was...when I asked to see her place she just said it's too messy and would have to clean up, but the person she not seen in a long time was going to visit her at her place so she must really hate me or something and maybe she's only put up with me because she feels guilty for taking all that money and doesn't have the heart to tell me to beat it? Like I said, I am going to slowly push myself away from her but I will be thankful for all the amazing times I had with her, especially that 1 summer we got really close even if we only saw eachother because I was giving her money, October we only hung out because she felt guilty for the guy at my work saying she used me for my money since I told her asap what happened. She also has not text me "xo" or "Was thinking of you" anymore either, even at midnight like that 1 time, not for a long time. It hurts but maybe I will find someone who cares about me, I doubt it lol.
I think she is just using you and hiding something from you.
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Default Nov 28, 2018 at 01:25 PM
  #62
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It does sound like she was using you for your money. I had someone do that to me one time (it was not a romantic thing, but she kept asking me for money, and I kept giving it to her because I felt sorry for her). She finally revealed her true colors when I told her I couldn't drive her wherever she wanted to go anymore (she's blind and can't drive). She got mad and texted me some hateful things and called me the C word. So I blocked her. I will never talk to her again. I know I won't get my money back (she's on disability and doesn't have much money) but a clean break can feel really good. I recommend you doing that.
I completely agree with you! I feel the same way! That the girl is just a user.
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Default Nov 29, 2018 at 08:17 PM
  #63
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I think she is just using you and hiding something from you.
I'm just going to let the thread die now. She made her choice, time to make mine. She went on a trip for her job but before she did (day after we talked for an hour on the phone last week) she had a concert and invited people I work with but never invited me after the BS in October telling me she wants me to come to events she goes to. Once again she tells me things I wanna hear when she does not mean it. Definatly don't mean anything to her, so time to vanish instead of a slow fade. Ohwell, at least she is enjoying her dream job she told me she got because of me (unless that's a lie too lol).
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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 09:01 PM
  #64
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I'm just going to let the thread die now. She made her choice, time to make mine. She went on a trip for her job but before she did (day after we talked for an hour on the phone last week) she had a concert and invited people I work with but never invited me after the BS in October telling me she wants me to come to events she goes to. Once again she tells me things I wanna hear when she does not mean it. Definatly don't mean anything to her, so time to vanish instead of a slow fade. Ohwell, at least she is enjoying her dream job she told me she got because of me (unless that's a lie too lol).
I am sorry that she did this to you! You lost a friend. It might be best that the friendship ended
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 03:17 AM
  #65
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I am sorry that she did this to you! You lost a friend. It might be best that the friendship ended
Funny, was just checking this forum today and seen the thread was bumped. As for the woman? found out why this whole time it's so hard to hang out with her, her friends all have 2 things in common. 1) they are female and 2) they all know her family and I don't, so I have had 0% chance of being anything beyond an aquantance this whole time. Yes I use the word aquantance different then the actual meaning.

So while she keeps wanting me to call her and told me we will ALWAys be together and get through everything together being there for each other I have wanted an actual friendship, have someone I can hang out with on a regular or semi regular basis. So basically her telling me a few summers ago about wanting a small group of friends was not meant for me, which confuses me why she would bother telling me that then? and when she told me she now has time for people that matter to her, once again not me LOL!!! Ohwell, I have been hitting up girls on tinder for the last little while.

Happy new years.
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Default Jan 16, 2019 at 05:27 AM
  #66
Happy New Years, human. The future beckons to you. Let go of the past. Summer of 2017 is history now. Let go. Live in the present.

You won't see the opportunities 2019 offers, if you keep staring in that rearview mirror. You are still a young man. Don't waste what is left of your youthful years dwelling on what you wished had happened. Nothing wrong with having wished for something. But it's wrong to engage in endless regret and endless wondering "why." It's wrong to surmise you've figured everything out. It's okay to remain puzzled about why someone withdraws from us. Humans aren't meant to understand everything. Just know that you need to shift into forward gear and watch what's in front of you. Get out of your head. And don't overly rely on the Internet to find what you need.
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Default May 02, 2019 at 01:09 AM
  #67
Hey, it's been a while. I'm finally over her, rarely think about her over the past several months and not talked on phone in about 3 months rather then every 2-3 weeks. We text every month and find a time to meet up for hiking, but those feelings seemed to have died off really fast within a few days when I had this weird feeling. Feels weird that I don't have this longing for connectedness with people anymore either, I am perfectly fine not doing anything around people and the thought of being close to people or trying to makes me feel like a drama queen looking for attention now and I feel so awkward. I guess I am just a normal introvert again.
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Default May 02, 2019 at 01:22 AM
  #68
So the two of you meet up to go hiking! But you're not overly hung up on her. That all sounds like the perfect resolution of all you went through. I'm glad for you.

It's okay to be an introvert. We can't really choose our basic temperament. But, but, but . . . do not give up on making connections. Humans need other humans.
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Default May 24, 2019 at 08:02 PM
  #69
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So the two of you meet up to go hiking! But you're not overly hung up on her. That all sounds like the perfect resolution of all you went through. I'm glad for you.

It's okay to be an introvert. We can't really choose our basic temperament. But, but, but . . . do not give up on making connections. Humans need other humans.
Yes I am glad it happened now rather then earlier when I was a mess. Apparently she met a guy, from the moment they looked at each other they fell in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together, they went on a date and right away became a couple. When I first found out I was a little bummed because I wasted all this time wanting the things they will constantly do and I've known her for like 16? years or something and he's already a better man then me, Phoned her today and let her know I had feelings for her in the past and got over her but was a little bummed when I found out, she was flattered and told me several guys came out and told her they liked her, some bolted when they found out about her story and 1 ended the friendship so he can get over her and come back to her as a friend which did not hold to well with her, but she's that friendly that it sends mixed signals. I'm done here...still going to do hikes once a month or once every 2 months depends on how busy she is.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 12:53 AM
  #70
Sounds like you are adjusting pretty well. Her getting into a close relationship may have helped you to let go.

I would caution you about something. She and this new guy will have their ups and downs, like any other couple. If you stay involved with her, you may get hopeful when she and him have spats, if she tells you all about it. They may even break up. You'ld be wise to not take too keen an interest in how this relationship of hers goes.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 01:59 AM
  #71
Naw I am good. I realized something when she tells me she's always busy hanging out with her mom, driving her kids, working, doing her activities and too busy to hang out with me more...she found him and all of a sudden he's her number 1 which means she did have time but I am not a priority to her, after all we have been through together and some new guy comes in and all I wanted was to be close to her more, I am done waiting. We have never really talked about everything that happens in our lives, she mostly just talks about herself family related issues. She does not tell me of major things that happen in her life, I normally find things out from other people at my work Never really gave me the time of day for that stuff after the summer of 2017.

I tell myself there is someone out there just like her that will have me as a priority in her life that I will really enjoy her company, talks with in person and the phone. I mean we don't really click anyway, I dunno how to respond to her half the time which is weird because if you knew me I never ever shut up and everyone would tell you I am a really happy person.

I'll still talk to her sometimes, but i've moved on. I gotta get back into my own things. She wants to go for a coffee in the next day or 2 if she has the car and then hike in a few weeks.
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 11:14 PM
  #72
Alright probably my last post in here. She's moving like 3 hours away to be with her boyfriend and he's got a LOT in common with me, we (me and her) hung out today downtown having a picnic just the 2 of us and she told me the news amung other awesome news she had and that I would call her in a month and we can hang out again in August for a long hike, she agreed. Text her not long ago that I had a good time with her and that I am really happy for her news and I am happy for her and everyone else involved, although I am unsure what is going to happen to us now when she moves for us talking and hanging out. She text back aw thanks, it was good seeing me today and that we will definatly keep in touch. Not so sure, she will just be here for her daughters and job and that's it. Seems over to me when she does go.

Life keeps on going, so must I. I really wanna change myself around though, not for her but I like who I am when I am around people not bringing me down. I also want more experiences like I had with this woman, just being around people I feel good being around but only if I am a priority to this person friend or more because being a secondary person destroys me when all I really want is to be someone in that persons life, I also could be asking for far too much and might have to settle for being a bunch of peoples secondarys.
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 03:07 AM
  #73
You must be pretty good company for her to still want to do hikes and stuff. If she found you that companionable, probably a lot of others, male and female, would also. So at least you've got some decent personality, or she wouldn't bother at all. She just wasn't looking to get really intimate with you. She obviously finds you likeable. But busy women don't usually want to do a lot of hanging out with a likeable guy that they don't see as a potential partner. So best to move on. Value your own time as much as she values hers. When someone isn't reciprocating your special interest in them, turn your attention elsewhere.

Yes, there is someone out there who would like to make you their real priority. There is no shortage of young women who are unattached and wish they had someone to feel special with. Don't waste time dilly-dallying around when a woman signals she has only a limited interest in you. This woman gave you that signal very clearly. Who knows what available young ladies you might have met, if you were checking out the field during the time you were all focused on the one who got away?

More rejection may come your way. All that means is that you need to keep on moving. It's like being in sales. You are marketing yourself. Take an interest in any and every potential partner you can manage to meet. Circulate. You're naturally talkative, you say, so talk to lots of women . . . even the ones that might not seem that interesting at first glance. It's good practice. You're almost guaranteed eventual success, if you just keep at it and don't waste too much time going after what isn't available.

No one has any obligation to like you as much as you like them. But, if you're a decent guy, someone will sooner or later. You sound pretty decent to me. There are young women out there who feel exactly as you feel. Some have been through what you've just experienced - they liked a guy a lot who didn't like them that much back. Get to know more people. There's billions of them on the planet. Nevermind "settling." You don't have to. And put your wallet away. Don't try to solve other people's problems for them. Go out. Buy some drinks for ladies who'll chat with you. Make some dates. Invest some cash in some nice, enjoyable evenings. Don't listen to sob stories. Allow someone to like you for you and not for your open wallet. I believe you can do it. No self-pity. Just circulate . . . interact . . . take an interest . . . and offer yourself, not your financial help.
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 04:38 PM
  #74
Thanks, i'll try it out.

Also if there is 1 thing about me, for whatever reason people tend to enjoy my company. I'll never understand it but i've accepted it. Doesn't lead to friendships because all I do is stay at home playing video games instead of pursue them, although even online it's the same and I mostly stopped looking for friends now online, rather have real friendships with people face to face. Recently had this woman friend break up with me in text because I never wanted to hang out with her. I'm fine with it, I wont wish nasty things to her. I just didn't want to and was fine just texting only. She also named me one of her best friends too fast and wanted me to join her doing hikes, yoga, dinners, etc. I slowed down on making women laugh so easily now and getting close to me too quick.

Been thinking about the guys at my work, maybe starting something up once a month with them like movies, shooting some hoops, tennis, some type of activity and they were interested in this idea in the past but I didn't pursue it.
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 04:52 PM
  #75
Cyberspace friendships are illusions. A relationship that consists mainly of texts in not a relationship. It creates the illusion of friendship. Get out of the house. Your idea for a monthly social meet up with coworkers is a good one. Make it happen at least once.

When you're playing those video gsmes, you are in a rut spinning your wheels. Step out of the rut.
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Default Jul 20, 2019 at 01:52 AM
  #76
Alright didn't think I was going to post again but now that she has a man our friendship seems to have went downhill. Maybe it's just me? We don't do those monthly hikes anymore, she's obsessed with this man. Tried showing her something this month at a hike we go to I thought she would like but told her forget about it, I asked for a rain check and cancelled next months big hike and told her I have personal issues and wont be messaging her for a few months, she told me my idea to show her something is not silly and ok for disapearing for a few months. I've been thinking of texting or calling her and telling her goodbye. I really don't understand why she has to keep me at a distant or so it feels like and I never get updates on what happens to her, find out from people that rarely talk to her and we really don't seem to be friends, more mere casual acquantances. My dad spends 3 days a week with his friends, my neighbours several times a month, everywhere I go friends with friends. What's wrong with this chick? says of her friends she hangs around with me one of the most. But now that she has a man it's always him and doesn't care about being better in the friendship department and did not like me asking if I could text her less and phone her more, just call whenever with no planned times, that's saved for her boyfriend when he's not around for 2 weeks per month for his other job. I can't improve anything because this so called "friendship" is not improveable as it takes 2 people to want that and she always keeps me at a distance. But she also said really soon she will have part of the money she owes me but she's been saying that for like 5 months. I am just going to fade away for a while and work on ME for a while, be more active doing biking, hiking, rollerblading, getting into really good shape and forget about females for a while. She's also sometimes starting to take a whole day to respond to texts now, which is weird compared to before. That's what you do when you're trying to distance yourself from people, that along with much shorter phone calls then before.

As for updates since my last post...talked to a girl on a dating app, asked for her number to text and tried 2 times to go on a date and both times her work got in the way and she was busy so I PEACED OUT! she got a little mad I ignored her last text, then told her I am moving on and good luck. Found another girl but she's all about being pampered by an older guy and wants a sugardaddy type of man to spoil her. Not my thing, so I peaced out! Just started rollerblading, might have a coworker join me on the weekend.

Also had another one on the dating app that I REALLY liked getting to know, but I guess I told her something she didn't like as she pried into my life and unmatched me, but she told me she was really proud of me for losing so much weight. Would not work out, I got no way of driving to her 30 miles away anyway. At 1 point I was talking to 6 girls, but now it's 0. Oh well.

Last edited by Human3284; Jul 20, 2019 at 02:34 AM..
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Default Jul 21, 2019 at 12:33 AM
  #77
She is keeping you at a distance, and that won't change. You're looking for a level of accessibility from her that is not what a gal in a relationship is going to give to any single guy. What she's doing is more normal than what you're trying to get her to do.
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Default Jul 21, 2019 at 01:33 AM
  #78
So what do I do? just accept it and stop cancelling our plans or end things and find people who actually want to hang out and keep in touch and not lie about wanting to stay in touch? I would still like my money but this woman makes me feel alone and if I end things I wont ever see my money. Obviously I would not tell her any of this, I am not an honest person around her. It would be more like "Good luck and I hope for nothing but great things for you in your life. Goodbye". Or just the classic "ghosting".
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Wink Jul 21, 2019 at 03:09 PM
  #79
A girl or woman who is in a relationship with a guy does not hang out, one-on-one, with other single guys. That is what is normal and appropriate. If she wants to continue a friendship with a male, she might invite him, along with other guests, to stop by on Christmas eve to join herself and her significant other for a drink. She might invite him to stop by for a hamburger when she and her sig. other are grilling in the backyard and hosting a get-together for family/friends. If you're not too interested in hanging out with her boyfriend, as well as her, in a group social setting, then your days of spending time with her are over. It is not appropriate for her to be meeting up with you to spend time alone with you, just hanging out. That's what is called "a date." She is not available to date you or any other guy. She's in a relationship. Her boyfriend would have every right to object to her meeting any guy to "hang out" alone with him. Even if she were not involved with someone, she is not going to want to "hang out" one-on-one with any guy she is not romantically interested in.

I know some people like to talk about how it's just fine for a person to have friends who are of the opposite gender and meet up with them to do stuff or just hang out. In reality, that's not how normal human socialization works. Cross-gender friendships usually get maintained by the 2 friends seeing each other in group social settings. If they telephone each other, it's for one to invite the other to a get-together that will be attended by a group of people. You wanting to be alone with her is you wanting to "date" her because you have a crush on her. Stop it. She doesn't want to date you. Calling it "hanging out" doesn't change the reality. You are using the fact that she owes you money as an excuse to push yourself on her to a degree that makes her uncomfortable. That is not how a gentleman acts. She's trying to avoid being unpleasant toward you. Eventually, she is going to resent and dislike you.

You are using one of the oldest tricks in the book of how men get access to women. You see a woman you're attracted to who is in tough straits financially. You provide her with some money. Then you take advantage of her indebtedness by hovering around her and looking for openings to make a move on her. Because she owes you money, she is inhibited from just bluntly blocking your advances. So she acts pleased that you want to be "friends" with her, while she is really uncomfortable with your attention. She knows perfectly well that you "have a crush" on her, and she does not want that kind of attention from you. Since you won't "take a hint" and back off, she feels forced to keep up this "play-acting" about how you two are buddies and need to get together. This little drama has been going on for thousands of years between men and women. It's the reason that, traditionally, moms teach their daughters not to accept money or expensive gifts from guys they don't want to become overly entangled with.

This gal was wrong to accept money from you. It came with strings. She feels she has to be ever so nice to you because of the money. She doesn't really want to have to pay it back. She would love for you to say, "Consider it a gift, and don't worry about paying it back."

You, on the other hand, would probably be willing to make the money a gift -- if you were getting something in exchange . . . like a certain amount of attention from her . . . which you are not getting. Like I said above, this is one of the oldest strategies employed by men to get access to women. If the woman doesn't reciprocate with the attention the man wants to get from her, the man tends to become resentful. Some men in this situation become so angry that they even physically assault the woman. I don't see you doing anything like that. But you are trying to hover around her more than she wants. Men who do that run the risk of being considered creepy.

If you watch "Judge Judy" or similar court shows on TV, you will see lots of cases where a man who loaned a woman money is suing to get it back. Always it's the same scenario: the man had hoped for a continuing relationship with the gal. He was ever so patient about waiting to get back the money. Then, once that hope for the woman's attention died, he wanted that money back. It's a pathetic situation for a man to put himself in. You can't buy a woman's attention.

Actually, I take that back. You can buy a woman's attention. There are women in third world countries who make those kinds of arrangements with financially secure American men. They used to be called "mail-ordered brides." Once in a while, those arrangements probably work out okay. Here's an article on the subject: "Mail Order Brides" Still Exist | Psychology Today

You've been passing out money to people, telling yourself that it's just because you "like to help people." But then you're disappointed at what you get back. It's time to get honest with yourself and recognize that you want to receive, as well as give. There's nothing wrong with that. Save your money to "invest" in a person who is offering what you're looking for. There's no shortage of single young women in the world who are looking for men, especially a nice, young man with a job and money in the bank. Also, recognize that you need someone for more than just "to hang out with." After all, you're human. That's a basic human need. Go at it more directly, and stop wasting your time, effort . . . and money.

As for the money you lent to this "friend," I'ld advise you to just write it off and chalk it up as an educational experience. That would help give you some peace of mind. Then: Let go. You don't have to call her up and make an announcement or a speech. Just stop trying to corner her into a date. Then see what happens. Maybe she'll call you up one day and invite you to a backyard barbeque. That would be appropriate. She's way more likely to do that, if you tell her to forget about the money. One day she might introduce you to a single gal who's looking to meet a guy. Leave her free to offer the level of friendship she's comfortable with.
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Default Jul 21, 2019 at 04:53 PM
  #80
She actually wants to pay me back, have told her she doesn't need to pay me back but she ignores me when I say forget about it, just keep it as she barely makes enough for the bills and rent at the end of the month, let alone food. She can't even afford to eat out at a resturaunt, so then I just tell her take her time and pay me whenever you are able to. The 1 on 1 time is mostly for hiking, I don't really like sitting in a coffee shop talking...it feels to awkward like I am trapped in a tiny room (same with phone calls, but I like hearing her voice), I prefer to be outside walking around talking or hiking. We don't really do anything else, we both got no idea what else to do together and there will be no other time hanging out with her friends and family as I have never met them and she will never let me meet them.

She doesn't even invite me to her home because it's messy, but her other friends are more then welcome or she goes to their place. Then again she doesn't hang around her friends that often anyway and none of them call her except me, which she seemed in the past to really like. I don't watch Judge Judy, not into those things. I follow Jay Shetty, though.

I don't really corner her for dates though. I mostly ask if she wants a coffee soon or to go on a hike soon and she says yes or no because she's busy, then I wait a month or 2 or longer and try again. The August hike was her idea but asked for it back in December but I told her maybe August when it's warmer, the July 1 was mine because I saw this tree and thought of her and wanted to show her and she said she will be in touch in a few weeks when her family is done visiting but instead I cancelled it a week after asking and told her it was just a dumb tree I was wanting to show her and I am going through personal issues and will message her in a few months, then she said it was not a silly idea and ok. Basically back in May we were gonna do that August hike but the day of I felt like **** and had a huge headache and didn't really wanna hang out so told her another time we can go, she said no problem. Then she said she was having car problems and maybe on the weekend we could grab a coffee if it's working but it wasn't so we never did. Then June I said if your car is still not really working how about a coffee at the place we used to go a few summers ago (that awesome summer we had together), we went for food and had a picnic instead and walked around town for a few hours until she started work. Then we were going to get together in August for that hike, but I saw a tree on a hike we have been on a few times in Jan and March of this year, wanted to show her. A week later cancelled it and told her I am disapearing for a few months.
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