There is this friend

Hello! This happened in summer of 2017. So there is this friend that was in the hospital and as the friend I am got all worried as she had a blood clot in her lungs and gallstones issues, I was messaging her if I could visit her, she said no she only wanted her family there, so I said are you sure? i'd love to visit you and keep you company and see that you're ok, but she still said no just her family. She called me the best and only one who offered to come in with a smiley face, then other stuff happened and it REALLY seemed like she liked to meet me for a coffee and talk, enjoy eachothers company and it was amazing! never really had a friendship like this, yes I also like her but that's for a different story. Seemed like everything was going great, had an awesome girl I started getting close with, then it slowly fizzled away and now it seems barely there. I'm the reason why she could take time off work the doctors urged her to do (loaned her money).

She just started a new business, but I have rarely heard from her in 2018. It's kinda depressing, our last coffee date was in May and Dec 2017 was our last phone call, messaged her recently but she ignores me in texts now so had to use facebook and she would love to catch up soon but she's really busy right now which I understand. So we are going to be catching up over the phone in a few weeks as I messaged her I noticed we have not done that in a while and I miss us talking, but I also messaged her I'm proud of her, will always wish she succeeds and that she's an awesome person and to just keep on smiling.

I dunno what I'm really saying here, I guess I just miss the old times we used to have but it always seems too hard being friends with her, if she's not working she normally only wants to hang around her family...makes it hard to keep up and my idea of a friendship seem to differ from hers. Maybe I should start it back with just phone calls and coffee and slowly try getting better at this.

Another thing regarding phone calls...how often should I call her? much more busy now but in the past she said any time and she will call me back if she could, but my phone phobia I have I could only manage once every month. I feel like if I call the person will say "not this person again", i've told her but she said she likes talking to me. We would normally call for 40-60 minutes, sometimes she calls when she's upset and crying too, going through hard times.

You're asking how often you should call her. I would be asking how often she makes an effort to contact you and go from there. Also, does she only call when she needs to vent/cry? It doesnt sound like a very good friendship at this point from what you have said. I'm not sure putting forth continue effort would be in your own best interest.

Naw she has not called just because she needs to vent or anything. She called me a few times because she wants to or asks me to call her because she's having a bad day and has nobody to talk to, so I call her when I am available. One time I told her I was off at 1 and home by 2 and need to excercise after so I'll call her later at 5pm. If I call her right away isn't that kinda clingy? I guess I could have called after I finished work and talked for a while, then called her later to see if she was doing ok still, but this was all 2017, I made a thread similar to this a while back when I was in my bad mental state, still am but nothing close to it now. I am 34 years old, I just want some close friendships before it's too late and I wont be able to make friends outside of work because I'm old and everyone else has their own stuff, seems as you age friends are not a common thing like before and I don't really wanna be alone sitting at home playing video games and stuff. Last time she called me was her day off last December, just wanted to say hello she text me after and that was the very last phone call.

I been reading about friendships and read it's normal to have times of being close and other times when you aren't and it's a normal process of friendship which I am not used to. Besides work friends I've not had a friend since elementary school. She does not really contact me as she's always busy and her idea of friendship is not the same as mine, I wanna be in contact with a friend, hang out often, text or call often. But she's all about her family and her job even though she's told me she wants friends, a small group of them and close to them all, not a huge group which I can respect and all I want is some friends. It's all complicated because I still live inside my head. Maybe I'll just start with a simple phone call once a month, then slowly make it every 3 weeks and stuff. Last time she said call whenever you want, but what is that really? once a week, a few times a week, etc? and how would I know if I am annoying that person by calling too much?

I guess it really is a ****** friendship...ignores all my texts now (first time since we started texting), only answers me on facebook saying she would love to catch up and she wants to pay me back when she can, gave me her number. I guess that's it for me, I don't do facebook because nobody is your friend there, they are just pictures and that place makes me so depressed. I wish I knew what I did, I'm sorry...Goodbye.

I want something real, not fake.

You are annoying her. She was an aquaintance, not a friend. The money clouded things. She felt she had to be nice because she accepted money from you. (which she never should have done.)

Let go. You are only tormenting yourself.

Find other ways to be with people. Find male friends. Your attachment to her is unhealthy. Since she took the money, she feels she hasn't the right to just blow you off in a really obvious way, though she comes close to that. You are demeaning yourself, looking for crumbs of attention. Take a hint. She's given you enough of them.

A woman knows when a man is attracted to her. When the woman doesn't have a similar interest in the man, she will not want the man pursuing "friendship" with her, especially not a friendship that involves "hanging out." That is just a round-about way of trying to date.

You are lonely on two fronts. You wish you had friends. Also you wish you had a girlfriend. Nothing abnormal about those desires. What is abnormal is clinging to this lady who is not available in either of those capacities. You cannot buy your way out of loneliness by "helping" people with your money.

It can be hard to learn how to socialize successfully. It doesn't come natural to me either. But stop pursuing interests that are inappropriate and see what is left. There are healthier things you could be doing.

You've been going back and forth on this connection to this woman for a long time. You are truly stuck. Periodically you get frustrated enough to say it's over, like you just have. But you keep going back into wanting a relationship with this woman. Then you try and analyze to death how to cook up a strategy to reconnect with her. Please stop. This is wasteful of your time and attention.

Possibly, some therapy might help you. Spend your money on that. Help you.

I do not think putting more effort into this would be in your best interest.

I feel like she just using you! I don't feel that she is a very good friend. I feel like she just saying she like you when she not all in that to you. How about joining a club something that could help you meet new people?

I completely agree with you! Great advice!

I had a friend like that. I was eventually left because her boyfriend was more important than me and her family didn't like me

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Maybe it best you both went your separate way.

I would just wave her a lone but see out legal action to get the money she borrow from you. She just using you and aren't interested in your feeling.

I completely agree with you!

Wow this blew up, thanks for the replies.

One thing I just can't understand maybe someone can clarify? she see's me in person and she does not have to say we need to meet up and overdue for coffee or invite me out with her (which I didn't go to) but she did, she also does not have to message me on FB saying she would love to catch up over phone or coffee, she does not have to insist on paying me back (she actually did pay me half of it) when I told her she does not have to pay me the last half of it, give it to someone who needs it more then I do but she still insists in paying me back and insists that I don't ask her anymore to help her out money wise. This is why i'm confused when people say she's using me or she's annoyed with me and trying to show me I need to GTFO of her life so to speak. Also I wont bring her to court over money, but maybe it is time I move on. She did say we are friends for life but that's so rare. Also I do have male friends I hang out with, watched UFC last night with a bunch of them. Well friends as in guys I work with that I sometimes hang out with, not outside of work friends.

She knows you're wanting a connection with her. She feels like she is being nice by saying nice things. Maybe she is a decent, nice person at some level. That's great that she paid you back some of the money. Maybe she's not an exploiter.

She can't bring herself to say the truth. She feels it's too harsh. She doesn't even want to face it herself because of how connected you two were in the past. She is not really interested in being involved with you. There is never a time when there isn't something she'ld rather be doing than being involved in some interaction with you. She says all the things that people say just to be nice that they don't really mean.

You don't have a right to box her in and force her to say "Move on, I'm not interested." People don't like having to be blunt. So she makes nice and gets away from you. What you're doing is wrong. You are trying to figure a way to wiggle yourself into her life so that she has no graceful way to be rid of you. She doesn't want to seem mean or ungrateful.

People do what they want to do. If connecting with you interested her, she'ld be doing that. She is not interested in continuing involvement with you - on any level. She can't make it plainer. Be a gentleman . . . do the stand up thing . . . bow out gracefully. Then, if you bump into her on the street, you say. "Hi. Great seeing you. You look great." Then keep moving. She'll probably say, "We must catch up soon." And she will not mean that. It's just something to say to avoid feeling awkward.

I agree with Rose.

She insists on paying you back because she wants to satisfy her debt, not because she wants a connection with you.

You should allow her to pay you back. Then, if you want to give that money to someone who needs it more, go ahead!

She insists that you stop offering her money because she wants the pride of being seen as standing on her own two feet and/or because she does not want to feel beholden to you.

I agree with the others. I'd suggest to go out there and try to meet other people, if you can, and perhaps you'll be able to make some new friends. Good luck

Just want to say thank you Rose for absolutly demolishing me mentally for that post of yours. I never asked for you to do that to me, I have not felt this defeated since I was in the back of a police car on the way to the suicide ward a few years ago. Especially this part "There is never a time when there isn't something she'ld rather be doing than being involved in some interaction with you.", but that entire post absolutly ruined me, had to hide it all day at work with everyone asking me what is wrong with me. I never asked for that **** and you sound like my father who constantly tells me to give up, you can't do it. I'm done with this place.

You are letting whether or not this particular woman wants you determine your self-worth. Did you ever stop to think that her not wanting a connection with you may say more about her than it does about you? You may have built a pedestal for someone who doesn't quite deserve it. She may seem better to you than some people you've encountered. For a spell there, she seemed approachable in ways most people don't seem to you. For a spell there, you found some warmth in her company. She seemed special and worth cultivating. She probably has her gifts and there probably are a lot of worse people in the world (like me.) But there are better people than her out there.

You've idealized her. When someone we think is close to wonderful rejects us, we feel just awful about ourselves. You don't really care what I think. (No reason why you should.) You care what she thinks. You are upset because you worry that I might be right in guessing what she thinks. I don't control what she thinks. I'm only guessing. (Based on what you've told us.) Maybe I'm the worst guesser in the world. What I think doesn't matter worth a darn to your life. And neither does what your father thinks. He's been wrong about plenty (stuff you don't even know about.) There I go, guessing again.

Don't give others so much power. (Starting with Dad.)

I think I read you are in your 30's. That's young enough to re-plot your course in life. There is no shortage of lonely young women out there who might be quite companionable, if given half a chance. Some are not as wonderful as this lady you've been interested in. And some are a darn sight better. There is enough evidence, far as I'm concerned, that this lady does not have it all together. Plus, she does something that a lot of nice people don't do. To spare herself a little awkwardness, she talks blather at you, knowing that it has you painfully confused. You think that's nice because it gives you hope. It's not nice. It's thoughtless of her, at best

For people with children (even grown ones,) life is way busier than the unattached have any idea. To say someone always has other things to do does not mean that you are without value. But she is at a stage of life when pretty much everything she does is goal-oriented. Her days of "hanging out" are behind her. No woman with a kid has much time to hang out with some single guy just to pleasantly pass the time. She's running out of time. She's under more pressure than you have any idea. Her plans made earlier in life went off the rails. She's now scrambling to salvage what she can of what opportunities are left.

You might like to hang out and share your dreams and aspirations with a receptive listener. There are young women who have the time for that, and the interest. This woman has neither. It's not because you are not interesting. You are at a stage of life that she left behind a long time ago. She's got problems to solve. How she spends her time is something she decides in a cold, calculating way. It is foreign to the thinking of someone young and unburdened with the responsibility of having dependants. She couldn't explain this to you, if she tried. She's not going to try. She can connect easier with others who are in the same boat she's in. The boat she's in is not a place to be envied.

In the search for meaningful connectedness, you can do a lot better than her. Give others a chance. Be willing to take a risk. If you ask someone for a date who says no, it won't kill you. Ask 10 more. That can't hurt worse than how you're living.

I think it would be helpful to cast your net wider. This person isn’t available. If you are working on yourself, and looking for friends, you’re very likely to find some people who appreciate you much more than this person does. She may well be cold and calculating. This could be necessary for her “survival” - I suggest you give up on her. But please don’t give up on you, you do matter.

There are people here who don’t use “tough love” ... my parental units were masters at invalidation. And so called “tough love” which in fact was Malignant Narcissism and abuse. GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Hugs to you