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Default Nov 13, 2018 at 05:06 PM
  #41
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Originally Posted by LonelyMan View Post
usually only on one side though, that is the problem
With patience and some introspection into the impression you are making, you’ll find her. There are possibly many women today who automatically say ‘friends first’. But when they say ‘I don’t reciprocate those feelings’, I agree there’s nothing other than friendship there.

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Default Nov 13, 2018 at 05:39 PM
  #42
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With patience and some introspection into the impression you are making, you’ll find her. There are possibly many women today who automatically say ‘friends first’. But when they say ‘I don’t reciprocate those feelings’, I agree there’s nothing other than friendship there.
Thanks. i was not speaking about me there though but that in general when they try to be friends and it does not work it is usually only one side that wants more. And that is the problem. if both sides developed feelings it would be Ok

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Default Nov 14, 2018 at 02:39 PM
  #43
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...Lots of women want "friends" to tell their problems to but the guys are not good enough to date.
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Originally Posted by Lefty Seven View Post
Little-known fact: It's the guys who listen to women's problems who end up thick in the warm.

Google it.
Women don't just have "problems" to talk about..

But I agree with Lefty Seven -
I think most men who have happy gf/wives are good listeners. Belittling the "problems," thinking 'oh there she goes again, I'm gonna tune out' is gross and unattractive; who would want to be friends or be in a relationship with someone with that kind of mentality?

Then we all have to remember that we are made of energy and our negativity can be contagious. Nobody wants to be around someone that whines and complains (especially about their significant other) all the time.

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Default Nov 14, 2018 at 02:46 PM
  #44
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Originally Posted by xiximmxi View Post
Women don't just have "problems" to talk about..

But I agree with Lefty Seven -
I think most men who have happy gf/wives are good listeners. Belittling the "problems," thinking 'oh there she goes again, I'm gonna tune out' is gross and unattractive; who would want to be friends or be in a relationship with someone with that kind of mentality?

Then we all have to remember that we are made of energy and our negativity can be contagious. Nobody wants to be around someone that whines and complains (especially about their significant other) all the time.
i don't want to be around any woman who is involved with someone else any of the time. Not interested in any part of their lives or their 'friendship'. If they want friends they can join the girl guides
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Default Nov 14, 2018 at 03:03 PM
  #45
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i don't want to be around any woman who is involved with someone else any of the time. Not interested in any part of their lives or their 'friendship'. If they want friends they can join the girl guides
Even if you found her very magnetic and respectable (whether at work or at a social event or through friends-friend) as a person, you wouldn't want anything to do with her if she isn't single?

Why would anyone want to narrow their door of opportunities like that?
Why would anyone reject love like that just because it's purely platonic?
You can find someone attractive without being attracted to them.

What disturbs me is the thought of a man not wanting to have any women around that they can't possibly f ck.
The fact that someone doesn't crave a deeper connection than just the physical level.
We are human, before we are women and men. Men, women, whatever the hell you are, we should be able to see someone beyond our mere body parts.

I'm hurt because someone I thought was my friend for a long time, turns out he wasn't - he was faking his kindness and support hoping he can get in my pants that way - when I was sincerely sharing my feelings and thoughts and experiences with another human being, thinking he was on the same page.

I get it, nobody owes anybody anything. People come, people go, I guess that's the way it is.
It depresses the crap out of me though.
How everyone talks about how lonely they are. How they'd want somebody to hold at night but in the morning they all pretend they're fine as if they like being alone. Like they have something important to do. Like they'd rather have someone to have drunk sex with and fall asleep instead of staying up to talk about their insecurities and aspirations and childhood memories. Like we aren't all sad and afraid. I'm sick of having shallow relationships with shallow people.

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Default Nov 14, 2018 at 03:24 PM
  #46
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Even if you found her very magnetic and respectable (whether at work or at a social event or through friends-friend) as a person, you wouldn't want anything to do with her if she isn't single?

Why would anyone want to narrow their door of opportunities like that?
Why would anyone reject love like that just because it's purely platonic?
You can find someone attractive without being attracted to them.

What disturbs me is the thought of a man not wanting to have any women around that they can't possibly f ck.
The fact that someone doesn't crave a deeper connection than just the physical level.
We are human, before we are women and men. Men, women, whatever the hell you are, we should be able to see someone beyond our mere body parts.

I'm hurt because someone I thought was my friend for a long time, turns out he wasn't - he was faking his kindness and support hoping he can get in my pants that way - when I was sincerely sharing my feelings and thoughts and experiences with another human being, thinking he was on the same page.
you see what you got by seeking someone attractive without being attracted to them.You'd never get that with me.
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Why would anyone reject love like that just because it's purely platonic?
it is not love it is using people. i am speaking from where i am. you saw your friend and what he really wanted. I have had women try to be 'friends' because they were faking. Like your faking friend women have ulterior motives too. They can f*** who they like they are not my 'friend'
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Default Nov 14, 2018 at 03:35 PM
  #47
The truth really lies somewhere in the middle. The guy who was your friend hanging in with hopes you’d grow to want him did honestly like you for who you are. The people who aren’t sure, don’t feel attracted, are just users, sometimes they are sincere good people and they do have a change of heart and sometimes they don’t.

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Default Nov 14, 2018 at 03:36 PM
  #48
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Originally Posted by LonelyMan View Post
you see what you got by seeking someone attractive without being attracted to them. You'd never get that with me.
it is not love it is using people. i am speaking from where i am. you saw your friend and what he really wanted. I have had women try to be 'friends' because they were faking. Like your faking friend women have ulterior motives too. They can f*** who they like they are not my 'friend'
I can find my girlfriends and guyfriends attractive without being attracted to them.
Because I like them as a human being. (surprise!)

I just like talking, listening to music. Drinking a few shots, smoking a blunt, playing games. I purely enjoy their energy, ideas and company. I like having that connection. I like being myself and feeling free with other people. It has nothing to do with gender, or whether I can have sex with them or not, or whether I will get something in return.

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Default Nov 14, 2018 at 03:59 PM
  #49
The only time it would matter to me if a woman and potential friend is married is if I were looking specifically for a date and romantic relationship. One can be a friend with the opposite sex without being a "user" and I can't even state how far out in left field that statement even is. Using for what? Companionship and camaraderie that comes with friendship? Because the male or female isn't after the other one romantically the only other option is to use them somehow? That's a rather simplistic and very cynical point of view.
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Default Nov 14, 2018 at 04:49 PM
  #50
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The only time it would matter to me if a woman and potential friend is married is if I were looking specifically for a date and romantic relationship. One can be a friend with the opposite sex without being a "user" and I can't even state how far out in left field that statement even is. Using for what? Companionship and camaraderie that comes with friendship? Because the male or female isn't after the other one romantically the only other option is to use them somehow? That's a rather simplistic and very cynical point of view.
free counsellor to tell problems to
someone to go out for cofee with when bore and who they want is not around
to do odd jobs as my ex said smile and the grass is cut
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Default Nov 14, 2018 at 04:51 PM
  #51
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free counsellor to tell problems to
someone to go out for cofee with when bore and who they want is not around
to do odd jobs as my ex said smile and the grass is cut


I'm sorry for the women you've experienced in your life then. I've had plenty of good solid friendships with women over the years even lacking anything to do with romance or sex. and no one was "used".
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Default Nov 14, 2018 at 04:56 PM
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I'm sorry for the women you've experienced in your life then. I've had plenty of good solid friendships with women over the years even lacking anything to do with romance or sex. and no one was "used".
thats your choice. you do as you want i will do as i want and one thing i do not want is someone's girlfriend as a 'friend' when it suits them
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Default Nov 15, 2018 at 03:15 PM
  #53
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free counsellor to tell problems to
someone to go out for cofee with when bore and who they want is not around
to do odd jobs as my ex said smile and the grass is cut
Has someone really hurt you in the past?
Mentioned behaviors are just as bad if a man were to do that to a woman.

In a true friendship, you are supposed to love and respect that person whether he/she is single or in a relationship with someone.
Why does that even matter unless your sole goal is to have sex?

Frankly I do not want to be friends with a guy who is only friends with me because I'm single. I don't want to be "friends" with someone who is just trying to sleep with me. How do you even call that a friend, that's just creepy.

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Default Nov 15, 2018 at 03:34 PM
  #54
I had a similar situation, only I was the girl in the situation (even tho I am a guy).

The problem started when we had sex. It just happened, and it wasn't worth it. But she "caught feelings", and I had to separate it.
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Default Nov 16, 2018 at 06:55 AM
  #55
YouTube

Amy Winehouse, Just Friends

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Default Nov 17, 2018 at 05:20 PM
  #56
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Has someone really hurt you in the past?
Mentioned behaviors are just as bad if a man were to do that to a woman.

In a true friendship, you are supposed to love and respect that person whether he/she is single or in a relationship with someone.
Why does that even matter unless your sole goal is to have sex?

Frankly I do not want to be friends with a guy who is only friends with me because I'm single. I don't want to be "friends" with someone who is just trying to sleep with me. How do you even call that a friend, that's just creepy.
One was going out with a friend of mine that i did not know about and would ask me for coffee for 'friendship' so she could pump me on whether he looked at other women when he and i went out. When i found out i told her where to shove her 'friendship' and do not speak to her now. In my experience there is always some hidden motive for 'friendship', so i don't do 'friendship' with any one who is involved with someone else
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In a true friendship, you are supposed to love and respect that person whether he/she is single or in a relationship with someone.
a true friendship has no hidden agenda as i have mentioned
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Mentioned behaviors are just as bad if a man were to do that to a woman
correct. I would not do it to a woman
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Default Nov 17, 2018 at 07:31 PM
  #57
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What disturbs me is the thought of a man not wanting to have any women around that they can't possibly ****.
The fact that someone doesn't crave a deeper connection than just the physical level.
We are human, before we are women and men. Men, women, whatever the hell you are, we should be able to see someone beyond our mere body parts.


That also disturbs me. I cannot imagine how you can find someone actually arousing and stimulating if you do not also feel the attraction of their personality. To me, personalities are often repulsive as well. And a lack of personality is also something that would block my sexual urges. And I mean that both in the sense of a person with little personality as well as a lack of a personality or emotional connection in a sexual fantasy or sexual relationship.



Quote:

I'm hurt because someone I thought was my friend for a long time, turns out he wasn't - he was faking his kindness and support hoping he can get in my pants that way - when I was sincerely sharing my feelings and thoughts and experiences with another human being, thinking he was on the same page.
I can only assume this is a perfectly correct description of your relationship with this person. Yes, I can see how this can be very hurtful. Usually it is the female who ends a friendship when the man would want more than just friendship. And man or woman, if you feel a deep emotional relationship with someone, if you are physically attracted someone, why would you not want to try a relationship, assuming there isn't already someone else more suitable?


Yes, I can see that when trying a relationship you discover new aspects of the other that show you are incompatible as life partners, but not as friends.



Still, I find it interesting how some people who are single and crave a relationship describe that they have an opposite gender friend who they find attractive both physically and mentally, but who they would just immediately brush off as 'not relationship material'. Why?

I have a female friend. I think that on the surface, we are quite compatible. I confided a great deal of emotional things to her. If I were her, I would find some insecurity in the fact that I have not seemed to have considered her relationship material. In fact, I have considered it and I don't feel I find her attractive enough. So she would be right in making that judgment. And I myself feel guilty for not acknowledging her femininity. If you have an opposite gender very close friend who acts frigid around you, how would that not make you feel insecure? If even your best opposite gender friend doesn't find you attractive, who would?

So considering that, why wouldn't very close opposite gender friends go for a relationship? So one always wants a relationship and the other doesn't? Or do both need to find the other unattractive (usually physically)? Or both need to be in a relationship where both agree their actual partner is a superior match? But if so, why share very deep personal feelings with that opposite sex friend and not with your actual partner? Of course, you can share it with both. But the point remains. If you have a emotionally more deep relationship with an opposite gender friend than with your actual partner, I can see how that would be problematic. I mean, you can be 'friends' and you can be 'friends'. Much easier to be opposite gender friends with someone with whom you share hobbies or interests or do activities, discuss friends or work or general things in life. That as opposed to a friend with whom you discuss your deepest feelings.


I think both sides that make a strong case are wrong. Yes, opposite gender friends can be friends. But it is not obvious that they can.

Consider a relationship between a homosexual male and homosexual female. They are neither each others competitors or each other' 'prey'. Surely, here it is easy to see how they can have a fully committed relationship without any sexual tension or sexual insecurities. Surely, it is clear that this is different from heterosexual opposite gender relationships.
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Default Aug 13, 2019 at 03:44 PM
  #58
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Originally Posted by Lefty Seven View Post
Little-known fact: It's the guys who listen to women's problems who end up thick in the warm.

Google it.
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Default Aug 13, 2019 at 04:07 PM
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post links
Why are you resurrecting a thread that's been dead for the better half of a year to demand evidence from a member who hasn't been online in half a year? Did you ever get your friend to take the Dark Triad test?

To answer the thread title: Yes, of course.

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Default Aug 14, 2019 at 03:32 AM
  #60
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I took a look at the research literature on men and women being friends. Apparently, research into this question began about a decade ago. Bleske and Buss (2000) surveyed college students regarding the benefits and costs of opposite-sex friendships in their lives. In general, many of these benefits and costs were the same for both men and women: Both sexes enjoyed opposite-sex friends for dinner companions, conversation partners, self-esteem boosts, information about the opposite sex, social status, respect, and sharing resources. Both sexes also noted some similar costs of opposite-sex friendship, such as jealousy, confusion over the status of the relationship, love not being reciprocated, cruel or mean behaviors, and being less attractive to potential romantic partners because of the friendship.

Male and female responses differed on a few key items though. Men were more likely to see sex and romantic potential in an opposite-sex friend as a benefit, while women primarily saw it as a cost. As a result, men were also more likely than women to report that they had sex with an opposite-sex friend (22 percent vs. 11 percent for women). Men were also more likely to report friendship costs of lowered self-worth and giving time to help the friend, while women found their own inability to reciprocate the male's attraction as costly. Therefore, when friendships did not turn sexual or romantic, men were often left feeling rejected and used (i.e., "friend zoned"), while women felt uncomfortable with the unequal attraction. In contrast, when friendships did turn romantic/sexual, some of these men continued to label the women as "just friends"—at about double the rate of women. This leads to the "other" friend zone women more routinely face, the "friends-with-benefits zone," where sex may be shared but commitment is not reciprocated.
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To make matters worse, each sex sees the other's benefit as their own cost. Thus, women tend to find it costly and onerous when male friends desire sex and romance. Men, in contrast, find the time and money demands costly and frustrating, particularly when their romantic desires are not reciprocated. So, due to the mismatched desires, we have the makings of friendship difficulties.

What does this mean for the "friend zone"? As I have written previously, the friend zone is essentially an unequal relationship, in which the desires of both friends are not equally met. It may exist in a "just friends" context, with resources being shared (usually gratifying the woman's needs), but sex and romance is not an option (usually frustrating the man). A mismatch can also occur in a "friends-with-benefits" context, where sex is being shared (usually satisfying the man), but resources and protection are not forthcoming (usually frustrating the woman).
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Conclusion

Can men and women be just friends? In many cases, the answer is no. Sometimes that is a good thing, when both people see friendship as a step to mutually satisfying love, sex, and/or commitment. At other times, men and women cannot be just friends because only one friend desires something more. Those mismatched desires between men and women lead to unequal friend-zone situations, in which one person's needs are completely satisfied at the other's expense. Those unfortunate instances and the frustrations around them are the friendship problems we hear so much about.

Friendship between men and women is not impossible. However, it does require finding someone with friendship goals matching your own. Communicating clearly and leaving when there is not a match is key. Also, if you desire to be "just friends," it may be better to pick friends who are already in other romantic relationships. That way, you can have a satisfying exchange, a good friend, and no frustration.
Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends"? | Psychology Today

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