How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

She is applying for a visa and wants to visit me at my home. It is tentatively this July, depends how long it takes to get a visa. Because of political crap, there are far fewer US diplomats in Russia right now but supposedly the consulate in Siberia has a much shorter wait list and she wants to fly there for the interview.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

I think I am very fair to myself. One thing that annoys her badly enough that she brings it up is how I care what other people think of me and I should not and just do what makes me happy.

She flat-out told me she doesn't care that I am not movie star good-looking and she thinks I am handsome, which is funny to me. My age seems to be a major plus for her which is strange to me. But, she says Russian guys are ugly so I guess the bar is low.

That is odd you think she sounds desperate, when I think I am the one acting that way. I don't know, relationships are difficult for me to figure out.

I don't know if marriage is a possibility. She wants to meet and see if we get along as well as we do right now but in person. The way the immigration system is setup, it is very difficult to have a normal progression in the relationship unless at least one of them is rich. Still, divorce rates among couples where one came from another country is significantly lower than among American citizens, even after the spouse that moved here gained citizenship.

It is certainly a complicated situation and I am being careful. I think I might be too careful, especially since she pulled back and has come back. I have been walking on eggshells unless she brings up certain topics. My MH, especially my paranoia is making things difficult on me and therefore on her. I don't explicitly leak out specific things I am thinking but it affects my conversation with her and certainly my demeanor. It is wrecking my sleep which makes everything in my head much worse.

Maybe I am too mentally ill for any type of relationship?

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

They always had just one embassy and two consulates. Embassy is in Moscow. Consulates are one in Far East and the one in Ural mountauns. It’s quite insane to just fly there for interview. Vladivostok is 8 and a half hours flight from Moscow (if that’s the one she is flying, the other one is a bit closer). It’s insane. Where is she in Russia? She’ll do all that to meet someone the first time on the other side of the world?

Why does she say Russian men are ugly. Such a bizarre thing to say. Some are attractive and some aren’t as in any other culture. Kind of rude thing to say. You said she is educated but she comes across as a bit off. Have you looked up her place of employment?

Something is off.

Yes she works where she says. Too many pictures and videos at her work and other things.

It is at least a 300 days wait at the Moscow embassy and a month or two in Yekatrinburg. She has a girlfriend there she wants to visit. She lives roughly 350 miles southish of Moscow

She probably was having a bad day when she said about Russian guys. Her child's dad doesn't seem nice to her. She is a little moody and very blunt but not bad or mean at all. I like bluntness.

Honestly, the only thing off is that I look good to her. The only thing I can offer her is a peaceful life and probably very boring.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

I mean no disrespect but I think you are giving her way too much power over your emotions. I hope this relationship isnt preventing you from having real life relationships. It just sounds like a lot of 'you' is tied up in her. I do not think that is healthy from far away or even if she lived next door. And I am not trying to be suspicious or poop on your relationship. I love my internet friends including the ones I have met here.

Arent you bothered by this? It just seems so backhanded. I would not feel good if someone thought that even though I was not movie star good looking, they still thought I was attractive. Why not just stick with "I think you are attractive"? Why tell you that Russian guys are ugly?
Ok full stop. I have heard and know of at least one person who married their Russian lover/girlfriend. She came to the US on some kind of visa and got her green card. She managed to have the guy change all his finances to benefit her and disappeared. All I am saying is she might be a good liar.

No, I do not think you are too mentally ill but I think you are being taken in by a very sophisticated scam artist.

To all honesty seriously inclined woman who maybe does hope for long term commitment wouldn’t send risky pictures and inappropriate videos of herself to a man she never met as well as talking about sex in explicit manner. It could be very dangerous as it could end up on the Internet and would be a turn off to many men. She is either extremely impulsive and not insightful or playing games just... don’t know what.

There are some stereotypes and generalizations on this thread. Russia is huge country, many people inhabiting Russia aren’t even ethnically of Russian decent, ton of other ethnicities as well as there are many ethnically Russians live in other countries, former USSR replublics or elsewhere.

There is no homogenous Russian culture. Saying that Russian women are aggressive is jusf as much true as saying American or French women are aggressive as it all depends on a person. Dating older men is just as common in Russia (or possibly less common) as in the US. It’s not a “Russian” thing whatsoever

This particular woman might be legit or might be a cat fish but she doesn’t represent all Russian culture or all Russian women.

I might have too much of me invested, I have been thinking of that the past few weeks. It is why I am wondering if my head is too ill for relationships of any kind. I don't really have anything to lose either. I either end up alone, which I have been for a very long time, or I don't.

So I am either left where I started or I am better off. It honestly feels like this might be my last chance since I am getting old. Isn't it worth the risk? She could live next door and just as easily be a scammer.

It didn't feel backhanded or insulting and she isn't the first woman to say that I am not super awesome looking but handsome. I figured they were just trying to be polite. They were trying to say "Ya you are really nasty looking but I like you anyway", or something to that effect.

The only thing preventing me from having a real relationship is the fact I am very ugly and awful. I will admit it is suspicious that she even talks to me. In person, the only women that will talk to me are those where a relationship is impossible due to their being married or large age difference. A single woman in my dating age range will not talk to me at all.

I try to treat everyone with respect and kindness but that is certainly not enough to have friends or anything more. It must be because I am a terrible person and very ugly.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

I have read a lot on it and read about signs that she might be a scammer, she doesn't really check any boxes. Maybe it is an elaborate scam on me but it is really elaborate. I bet there are easier marks, I can be difficult to talk to and am very hesitant with her. The time she has invested is substantial without asking for anything.

I try to avoid the 'all women' stereotypes. I have worked with women that had no interest in me other than being friends at work get really explicit sexually. Sexually aggressive women only surprise me when it is directed at me. She did seem surprised that she didn't need to send me anything sexual to get or keep my interest. I am more interested in who they are over what they can do for me sexually or otherwise. She sends those types of things less now that she realized it. I am not sure why she felt the need to begin with.

She has never asked for any explicit photos or videos from me, or even hinted at it. Nor would I. That would scare her away completely and I am not the type of guy to do that to anyone. She has gotten me to send her normal photos of me, which is stressful enough for me.

She has mentioned things she needs to do or are doing that require money but has never asked for money. I am thinking she might be a little bipolar, maybe closer to hypomania in the manic stages. Or maybe that is the waxing and waning of a normal person with a full time job and a child.

The only thing that really bothers me is that she is occasionally cold, not mean just cold. Maybe that is how she reacts to depression. I am socially inept and miss social cues with someone standing in front of me and this is much more difficult for me.

My daughters and a few of my sisters I have talked to about this, feel it might be worth seeing where it leads.

If she flies all the way to Siberia on her own ruble to get a visa just for a 10 day visit, isn't that a good sign?

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

Sorry for three posts in a row. I didn't mean to imply that. There is no such thing as all people in any category being the same.

I have known several Russian women and men in real life and they are different than my friend. One of the women was kind of a scammer. She pretended to be my friend for help in physics and calculus. She certainly isn't the only woman to pretend to be friends because they needed help from me. Seems weird they felt the need to pretend when I would have helped them regardless.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

There are scammers and good people in every culture. Not sure what to think of this.

Not sure what your looks to do with getting a date. Good looks isn’t a requirement for anything.

She might not be scamming for money but she is likely scamming to get to the US. Otherwise why a full time employed woman with a young child spends all day every day chatting to a total stranger. Who even has a time or attention span for that? What for? But if you feel that it’s a right thing to do then just be careful.

My looks, or lack thereof seem to be a significant requirement for dates and even friendship. At least in my experience. Maybe I am reading it wrong, which is entirely possible.

She doesn't talk all day every day. Mostly it is in my evening before work for her or in my morning after she gets home. She will often message during lunch and sometimes during her work day when it is slow.

I don't know how to explain it, we message slowly. Maybe a flurry of messages in 5 minutes and then only one or two the next hour. It feels like we talk a lot even when we don't really. I can reread what we wrote in a morning and it often takes 30 seconds to do it. Weekends are either constant messaging or video chat or pretty much nothing besides saying good morning. She has an office job with a lot of the time it is just copying data from one report and putting it into tax forms. In my field, it takes significant concentration to be productive and I can do multiple things while working, well when I was able to work. She did get some new responsibilities to learn so talk at work has been significantly reduced.

What for? I get the impression she is very bored and lonely. It is all moot, until or unless she gets a visa and she wants to wait until spring so she can make the trip and not get stuck there. If she doesn't get a visa it is just an online friendship with no risk. You are probably right that no one would be interested in me without an ulterior motive.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

I do wonder if the reactions I have gotten would have been the same if she lived across the country.

Let's say she is interested in living in the US, which is very possible. Does wanting to move here preclude her liking me?

She would be committing years of her life to living with me if she got a green card via the 'fiance visa' program, which she doesn't even qualify for having not met me yet in person. The program kind of creeps me out to be honest, it makes it difficult to date "properly" and it seems to me that it gives the US citizen a lot of power over their spouse for years until they can get citizenship.

She does seem more interested in knowing how I live, how my days go and if she fits in my home. She told me she is not interested in 'tourist BS' but has done some research on my city and has a small list of things to see which would take maybe half a day. Other than that, it is just talk about spending time together finding out if we are as compatible as it seems we might be.

Is there harm in allowing her to visit for 10 days to see if we do match and then her going home? Should I not even give her a chance?

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

Oh ok maybe I misread I thought you said you talk 10-12 hours a day. That’s insane. I guess I misread.

She needs to stay married to you only until she gets green card, not citizenship. Green card might take about 2 years, sometimes less sometimes more. Not a long commitment. After that they are free. Many do just that.

No harm in any of it.

If she lived across the country the meetings would be sooner and more frequent. You’d face a chance to actually get to know her before commitment. And you wouldn’t have to sign that you’ll fully support her until she gets green card. Same country is entirely different story. But long distance is hard regardless how far

No harm in her visiting for a few days a tourist, but be VERY careful before filing a K1 visa for marriage. If she comes to the US and you get married, even if she leaves you or scams you are FINANCIALLY responsible for providing housing for her and paying any debt she incurs for 10 years. Even if you don’t know about it or approve it, it is legally your responsibility. It’s become very common for women from Eastern Europe to marry a guy on the Internet, come here on a K1 visa, and then leave that guy for someone “sexier” and simply create debt for guy #1. She literally could leave you the day after the marriage, and she’s already a legal resident. You would have to go through the long and expensive process of filing for an annulment and waiting for the courts to take their sweet time— while being responsible for her. You also have to meet certain income and job requirements in order to qualify for a K1 visa. Have you made sure you meet those? I would just be very wary about her intentions before moving forward with her. There are so many horror stories out there.

I have read many of them and am wary but maybe it is worth the risk. I have more than enough income, more than twice what is required. I have never read about employment requirements but I am basically retired military so I doubt that is an issue.

I have let my daughters and a few sisters read a bunch of our chat logs and they think she is sincere and at least worth meeting. If she does visit, I will see if she really is more interested in me and my home life or going out more. She really hasn't asked or hinted for anything from me other than attention and we have many hundreds of hours of conversation.

I guess all I can do now is try not to screw things up, which is difficult, and see how a visit goes if it happens and go from there. This is really triggering my anxiety and paranoia and with further thought, I think I also need some distance as the poster who said I have 'too much of me' invested is correct. Socializing is very difficult for me and this is much more difficult.

I know I have been argumentative but if the bulk of responses gave me the green light I would argue against that. It is a personal failing. I really do appreciate the responses and time taken and will use the advice to hopefully navigate this properly.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds