How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

Look qwerty68, this is a common thing which has invaded the culture of many slavic states and in particular Russia. Things are very very very bad right now especially for women. Economies have take a tail spin, yada yada yada. Just one way things have impacted these places negatively is that the average lifespan in these places has plummeted. As a result, people are trying to get out and if they can't afford to leave they find it necessary to do so by other means - including the internet. Russian women looking to be 'mail order brides' has become so frequent one can say it is now ingrained in the culture. They look for a man - vulnerable regardless of finances - to be a potential route out of the country. All they want is to escape and marry someone. It has become a common way to do so. Please please please don't allow yourself to fall prey to this scam and become one of the many taken advantage of. I implore you to consider this.

Does your therapist have group sessions?
Or do you have any interest in taking a class on something you like. Just for the social aspect.
I was just thinking if this online relationship is advancing because of loneliness tha. Maybe being around d real people will help.

Well said, good point.

Hey qwerty68,
Please be really, really careful about this. I won't say it's impossible that she's genuine, it has happened before.
But, like it has been said before, they are not only after the rich guys , they just want to get out of their countries, if it is Russia, Romania, Bulgaria etc.
I have no idea why I am feeling so protective towards you, but that's how it is and I don't want you to get hurt.
So please, take everything she does with a grain of salt.
Kristin

I am not currently in therapy.

I can go to the VA hospital and they have all sorts of group sessions. One of the reasons I decided to find someone online was the difficulty I have in face to face socializing with strangers.


There are programming and network security meetup groups I should be going to to stay current but I can't seem to do it. Talking online is very difficult for me and those video chats are extremely challenging to do.


It shouldn't be so hard, just 8 years ago I was teaching college courses, which is a little different than meetup groups but if I can stand in front of 100 strangers I should be able to do this. I have always had avoidant tendencies but they just get stronger as I get older and my mental state devolves.

I have many years of college and have nothing to show for it socially. These were normal college courses and not adult night courses like they have at the local community colleges, so my classmates were significantly younger. That is a good idea to take some night courses.


She asked if she could come in September, she isn't sure she can or even wants to but I said yes. She will be starting the visa process if she decides to come. We will have talked a lot between now and then. That will tell me a lot of her intentions and how sincere they are.

Well, hopefully. I am socially exceptional and have difficulty recognizing social cues unless they have the subtlety of a bat to the head.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

What about taking classes which arent academic?
A pottery class? Painting? Cake decorating?
Really anything that gets you around people and allows you to socialize as much as little as you like.
You never know. You may meet someone who is shy or socially awkward and would love to meet someone just to have coffee.

An important concept is to act against the anxiety, to do what you want to do, and not let anxiety be in charge.

Easier said than done but still very important.

Perhaps therapy for a while would be useful in getting you back on track.

As people have mentioned, outside activities will promote social interaction. I point out too that they are a healthy distraction in our lives. In addition to classes of various sorts, I suggest volunteering. I have done a great deal of this. It provided me an outlet, a way to socialize, and that all important distraction to the loneliness. The other great thing about volunteering is that you are not as invested in the 'work' as you would be in a job. After all, as you are not getting paid, the need to perform at a high level just isn't there. You have a freedom of sorts you don't have with employment. consequently it is a more relaxing environment. I did so regularly with the museum in my former community. I was able to choose something of my own tastes and interests and help out accordingly. As I am now working I don't have the time to commit to an ongoing commitment but I still offer assistance to various organisations for events and fundraising campaigns. Note too that one has a sense of gratification in contributing time to something in addition to battling the loneliness.

Good luck in whatever endeavour you choose.

Please watch “90 Day Fiancé.” Everything you have described seems very similar to the kind of mail-order-spouse scams going on in that TV series.

Just reading everyone's take on it is helping me stay grounded.

In a way, she is also. She tells me her 'bad things' so I have 'no illusions about her'. She says I am very warm and trusting so she doesn't want me to think she is the same as me. She also says that I keep her stable and calm which is funny to me because I am never calm inside and I am quite unstable but I guess I am pretty good at hiding it.

I said she could be a little cold but she can be more than a little. Not in a cruel way but it does give me pause. She also might have father issues which might be why she doesn't mind the age difference. She is 8 years older then my oldest daughter which sounds weird but my daughter was born when I was almost 22. The good thing is that it could take close to a year for her to get a visa due to there being far less US embassy workers in Russia now and she doesn't want to come in the winter so it could be a very long time before she can visit so I have lots of time to figure this out.

I have no doubts she is who she claims. I have spent too much time video chatting, even at her work to doubt that. I guess I just have to figure out her intentions. If she is real, maybe her intentions are as well? She just wants to meet me to see if she likes me and enjoys my company in person. Seems unlikely that she would like me. The only thing it is costing me is time, and I have lots of that and talking makes me feel less lonely, which I do realize I deserve to be alone but it is nice to feel this way.

Is it a bad thing she might genuinely like me? I realize it is odd since women don't like me as more than just very casual friends but I guess it is possible I found the one woman that might like me. I understand everyone's concerns about it being a scam, I have those same concerns. I get the impression that even if it is real, some of you have concerns.

That is a good idea. I have looked around a little but I should do it more seriously. I do have commitments I made regarding my grandkids but I do have lots of time. Even once a week might be good for me. Between grandkids and updating my new house I do stay busy but being ex-coast guard I do enjoy helping people and maybe more time with adults might be a good thing for me.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

((((qwerty68)))) Just be careful, ok?

I will, thank you for being here for me.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

Well, it has been 5 weeks now and we are talking as much as ever. I thought it would subside and she would drift away but the opposite seems true.

We probably spend 10-12 hours a day total talking and that seems like a lot but we don't have a high volume of messages, especially when she is at work. It doesn't even get in the way of my plans for the day since it is a pretty slow conversation. The only time we talk a lot is my morning which is her evening.

There is no question in my mind anymore about her sincerity. We have talked too much if she is a scammer and have told her too much that if she wanted to embarrass/blackmail me she could. She has never asked me for money or hinted at it. She is a college graduate and a professional, that is 100% confirmed.

I did send her a small gift for Christmas(under $30, although shipping was a bit also) without her knowledge and she was a tad upset when she found out(I wanted to confirm her mailing address) but seemed happy also, which I think is normal for friendship? Although, she did tell me that Christmas isn't until January and not a big deal. I guess the tree they put up and gifts they give are for New Years which is a much bigger holiday there.

I can't believe she hasn't gotten tired of me, she seems to like me even more. We never run out of conversation topics, we have both fun and happy talks and sad talks. It is strange, I have opened up completely with her and feel totally at ease. That is a little disturbing to me because I don't do that with anyone besides family.

What is bothering me is the question: is this healthy for me? I am still the ugly, boring piece of crap I always was, even though she claims I am handsome and wonderful, which is the only suspicious thing about her. I fear what will happen if she ever decides to stop talking to me. It is like I am destroying all the work I have done on myself to protect myself from loneliness and rejection and am making myself very vulnerable to severe damage.

She has even seen me have a seizure aura on video chat and it doesn't bother her that I see things that aren't there. She does worry a lot about me though. She can tell when I am off and it seems to make her very concerned. I even slept 6 hours instead of the normal 3-4 and she was scared I ended up in the hospital and seemed relieved when I said hi to her. Makes me wonder if she is a hallucination, no one real could care that much about me.

The only thing about me that bothers her is that she thinks I have been affected too much by 'mean American feminists' and she doesn't like that I will defer to her instead of stating what I want from her,or even just taking what I want. That is not a product of feminism affecting me, but one of my bad luck with women in my distant past plus my alleged self-esteem issues. But there is definitely a significant cultural difference that might cause issues if we spend a lot of time together. If does confuse me a little because she is fairly aggressive and very strong-willed. It is not a problem right now but if she visits I wouldn't want it to become an issue. I guess I will need to read about how to handle cultural differences.

Still, we have fun. I take her grocery shopping with me and she gets amazed at the huge selections of things. It is very different there. She was shocked at an entire isle of ice cream I showed her and she showed me the 5 different types of ice cream in her store. She takes me to her gym and we video chat when she is on the treadmill. She takes me out to try on clothes and actually asks my opinion. She took me out with her girlfriends for dinner. They don't speak English so they were probably laughing at me but I was told I am accepted into the group.

I usually wake to a short video or selfie she sent me which makes me feel very happy. We are trying to figure out a date night where we watch Beavis and Butthead together over the internet. Love of B&B is about the highest on my list of desirable traits.

It is probably lame and pathetic but for me she is a giant upgrade in my life. This is a good thing, right? Most of my anxiety vanishes when we speak but my other issues remain but that is a good thing I think. I know people here have reservations about this, and I understand the reasons, but I can't see any red flags at all with her.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

We are still talking a lot. She did take a break due to issues with her child's father and it stressed her out and she was extremely cold towards me for about 2 weeks. We talked now and again but she came back to normalish chats quicker than I expected. I would be lying if I said it didn't send me into a tailspin, my depression got really bad and still is. But depression usually gets worse for no reason so it is actually kind of nice to point to a reason, as invalid as it may be. It is strange, I felt worse when she pulled back temporarily, and said so when she told me to give her some time, then I did when my wife threw me in the trash. That can't be a healthy reaction.

We are back chatting, but haven't video chatted much which I miss a lot but it is nearing the end of a very long official holiday, so was busy. She really wants to see me this summer and offered to fly herself to Siberia since the consulate there has a much shorter waiting list for visa interviews.

We also decided that we were talking way too much and too intensely, which is very true. It is hard to pull back but we have a lot of fun and still probably chat off and on 6-7 hours a day and less often in those hours.

Still, it is different in a way. Almost everything is the same but there is a warmth missing some of the time. Hope it is the stress of the holidays which end this weekend there. My holidays were stressful independent of her as well.

Her mood swings happen more often and the lows are much more dramatic. This is very challenging and requires a ton of patience but on the plus side, she is really impressed with how patient I am. Even if I say something that upsets her she thanks me the next day for being patient and claims I did nothing wrong. The stressful part is that I usually end up thinking she is going to block me. My paranoia is not good right now and is difficult to hide it. I think my patience helps erase doubts she might have.


She has been good for me. I regularly take photos and send her videos of the area and me. It is no small thing that I have taken and sent her pictures of me. She said that is just normal stuff but it is not for me. She also got me to post a FB profile picture of me in my account. I have had a FB since 2008 or so and I have never put a picture of me anywhere on that site, or any public site for that matter. She says I am gaining confidence. I am still an ugly monster but she insists otherwise which remains the sole red flag.

I don't want to lose her friendship or whatever else is possible because my MH issues get in the way. Maybe I latched onto her way to quickly, well no maybe's about it. I did. My feelings grow stronger and we are very comfortable with each other. That is another oddity, I don't feel comfortable with anyone no matter how long I have known them.

I am also not sure I really want to be on this earth anymore. I have not discussed it with her and will not but if I do stick around I would like her in my life in whatever form the future brings. So much feels wonderful and makes me feel like a normal person, but I am not normal. She says she likes that I am not a normal man. Part of me wants to enjoy this and another part is just waiting to be tossed aside like garbage.

I have told her about my MH issues and my terrible experiences with women. She wonders how I am still shy and polite with women and not some woman hater. I am not sure if she believes I am still shy and awkward and still wants a meaningful relationship. I know I don't deserve it but I still would like that more than anything in the world.

How can someone like me have a healthy relationship? Regardless if she lives a block away or 11 time zones?

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

No relationship is perfect all the time. But in a healthy relationship, both people feel good about the relationship most of the time. A great relationship takes more than attraction — it takes work, and both of you have to be willing to put in the effort. Here are some tips for building a healthy relationship:

Love yourself. Being comfortable with who you are means you’ll be a happier partner.

Communicate. Talk to your partner about your feelings. Ask questions and listen to their answers. If you’re upset, say so — don’t make your partner try to figure out what’s up. Talking through problems builds trust and makes your relationship stronger. And it’s not all about how to deal with your problems — don’t forget to let them know when something they do makes you happy.

Be honest. Be truthful with each other about what you do, think, and feel. Honesty creates trust. Few things harm a relationship more than lies.

Give each other some space. Couple’s time is great, but spending ALL your time together isn’t. It’s healthy to have your own friends and interests outside of the relationship.

Agree to disagree. You’re not always going to see eye to eye, and that’s OK. The important thing is to respect each other’s opinions and ideas.

Forgive and ask for forgiveness. Everybody makes mistakes. Be willing to apologize for yours — and accept your partner’s apologies.

Support each other. When your partner does something great, tell them! Your partner should do the same for you.

Talk about sex…openly and honestly. Telling your partner what feels good and what you like and don’t like helps you have better sex. Never pressure your partner into doing something they don’t want to do, or let your partner pressure you — consent is a must.

Take care of your sexual health. Talk to your partner about how you’re going to protect each other against STDs and unintended pregnancy. Practice safer sex and get tested for STDs.

You're a valuable person, qwerty68. Sending many hugs to you

—-I have had a mostly online mentoring andsometimes flirty friendship w a man who is a contractor in Iraq. He was home and came to my town deciding whether to change jobs because his is very dangerous. I was looking for a roommate but decided against having him here because I live w my ex. My t insisted over and over that he would ask me for money and be a fake. This caused me to be paranoid and doubt everything he said even after I met him. He is brilliant and sweet and geeky. He does seem to have serious problems w getting close, but of course women don’t want him to go back overseas partly because it’s very dangerous tho 3x the money. Says he wants to do one more year. He leaves Monday. Well, thanks for letting me vent. So painful seeing him going back. But my point is that your friend is not necessarily any kind of scammer. Do work on yr real life opportunities to make friends. I know, it’s hard, but we must try. If u have more than one friend it gives u confidence and takes the pressure of the one relationship so u don’t obsess over it. Hugs!

Love myself? I hate myself and it is apparent to her but she doesn't seem to mind. She seems to take it as a challenge to help me "realize I am a good person and not ugly". Good luck to her.

We mostly talk about our feelings openly, there are exceptions for both of us. She doesn't like to talk about issues with her child's dad which there are many from what I can tell. I talk very openly about my feeling towards her and so many other topics. I do mask medical issues a tad.


I hide about 50% or so of my MH or seizure issues as they happen. She seems happy to help me, and has taken time out of work to chat when I wake completely freaked out but I don't want to show more and scare her. I have told her some really embarrassing things when I wake up like that. She takes it is stride and says couples should help each other. She knows I do it because she can tell in my writing or my face if I am doing poorly and I will just say I am okay. I have been alone for the better part of 2 decades so I am used to handling my crap alone.


As far as I can tell she is 100% honest, I have never caught her in a lie at least, and I pay attention to any possible contradictions. I pretty much am except some of my health issues.

I think too little space is what led her to her pulling back for a few weeks. Too much space is really hitting my paranoia and loneliness but I think it is for the best. Regardless of what happens, I need to learn to not cling so much.

We disagree quite often and usually just turn it into playful mockery, although I have to be careful. Sometimes I use too casual of English and she misinterprets. She will sometimes ask me if I like something just because she does but I am not like that. I have told her plenty of times that things she likes sucks.

We are very open about sex. I am more open with her than I was with my wife at the time. She will show and tell me what she likes and doesn't like(well she doesn't seem to dislike anything sexual) and she knows what I like. She will probe if I like to have something done or do something. If I have not had it done I say so, and she explains in great detail what she will do if I am interested. I do the same as well. This is one area that has really been helpful, it raises the comfort level and at least I feel closer. When we finally meet, it will not be awkward at all, I think. It does make me less shy, I didn't think I could ever talk about this stuff before I met her. She tells me I am "cautious and reasonable" and she is very aggressive. Makes me wonder how we click so well.

This last one is tricky, I think because of cultural issues. She isn't worried about me and STD's since it has been 17 years and she has only had 1 partner in the past 8 years but she thinks he may have cheated. I brought up getting tested, she wasn't mad but didn't see the need. She also hates condoms which is a big issue if she won't get tested, she is also 36 so pregnancy is an issue. The pregnancy risk is something I never thought I had to worry about because of my age and noticeable lack of game. I can go to the VA and get a vasectomy so half of the problem will be solved.

This is a wonderful list. Thank you for it, it gives me much to think about going forward.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

So when and where are you planning on meeting?

You refer to yrself in such negative terms that I really think those feelings make you too vulnerable. Obviously she isn’t looking for the perfection of a model who excels at martial arts and wins chess tournaments. You seem very careful about problem areas like std’s or getting pregnant which do reflect a strange attitude on her part. Makes her sound desperate. Many have been taken advantage of for a green card, but those relationships can work as well. I guess she gets to be the lively impulsive one and you the sensible one. Continue to enjoy while protecting yrself.