How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

I have posted here a few times about trying to get friends. I kept failing over and over so I thought a pen pal site might be the place just to have people to chat with and I love learning about cultures.

So I went to pen pal world and set up a lame profile and searched for hours and found a couple I thought were promising. I send out small notes with my email address. Well, a burner address I made for this occasion. One person responded and well it has been amazing, fun, terrifying, intense and crazy. She just might be the only person in the world willing to talk with me.

I haven't had anything resembling a friend or gf since 2002, and someone here warned me to be careful as to not let my desperation and inexperience get me into trouble. So I am very mindful of it.

So, we started communicating about 10 days ago. It feels like 10 months. It started out with awkward emails from both of us, and I suggested we connect on Facebook and holy crap, we have talked for at least 100 hours if not more. She will wake and send me a good morning message, she chats while she takes a taxi to work, sometimes she chats a little at work and then often in the evening. Our time difference is 10 hours so it is a little challenging but my insomnia makes it easier.

I can't even explain it properly. We talk about her kid and her complicated situation(she is not married but kids and dads complicate matters) and my grandkids and lots of other normal things. She is 36 which is a bit younger than me at 50 but I think that is okay and she said that is perfect. Maybe a cultural difference? We talk about our days and all that other stuff you would expect. We joke and get very serious and flirty to the point of her sending me some very risque photos and videos along with normal photos and videos and never asks anything like that from me thankfully. There is not enough brain bleach in the world.

In fact, all she asks of me is that I am here to chat with her and send her virtual bedtime hugs.

I think that is okay, it is fun and safe and none of my very few exes would ever talk to me like she does. That is a sad monument to my suckage. In her own way, she is as lonely as me and always questions why she feels so close to me and so quickly. I do as well. I just told her that since we are on opposite sides of the world we can just continue talking and see where it leads over time. There is no rush and if we just chat for years and years(although I doubt we could keep up this pace) that would be amazing, at least for me. Sometimes she agrees with me, other times she wants to jump on a plane tomorrow(never asks me for $ to do that, she makes a decent living as a business professional).

She has never asked anything that could compromise me or put me into a risk of blackmail. I have been mindful of this in case she is not what she says she is.

She is shy, yet very aggressive and a very fiery(not in a mean way) Russian. Decent English skills which makes good communication possible since Russian is beyond me. She said I am a 'wonder' and her 'secret treasure' and is also confused because I am extremely shy but can match her wit when she is more aggressive and playful. She also says I am very warm and compassionate, I guess Russian men are colder.

I told her a little about my health and MH problems and it didn't bother her and I think she might have some issues like that. I can't put my finger on it, it is not bipolar or BPD. She did say she had post-partum depression so maybe that is why she can empathize and not run away in terror.

Very few things annoy her and those are mostly cultural differences. I say 'thank you' and 'I'm sorry' way more than they do. I think I do it because of my self-esteem and feeling beneath everyone. I told her I am working on it and said, "Damn right, I am a Russian woman. Don't do that". Quote: "I bet you would say thank you after we had sex". Very sarcastic and sassy. Which is fun for me. She told me about her post-partum depression and I told her I was sorry she went through that and she got after me a little for that and told me to send her a kiss instead. So I do that and she is much happier. They are usually gifs of kissing and the hotter the kiss the happier she gets. Cultural differences are stressful!

Despite the images and videos she has sent we don't really talk about sex except in the abstract but our conversations are very intimate, even when they are nowhere near love or sex. She says I am different because I listen(and remember) what she says and I am more interested in her than her body, which is very true. Not that she isn't amazingly attractive. Mind and personality are much more important to me which she says is great but very unusual.

I could prattle on and on. I can say she is helping me with self-confidence. My seething self-hatred is diminishing and says all the wonderful things I make her feel. She has esteem issues but nowhere as serious as mine.

Without prompting, I had a picture taken of me, just a normal one, and sent it to her. The few who know me here will know that is way out of character. Granted, I couldn't look at the picture, I can't even look at myself in a mirror. She didn't even laugh or call me hideous, which is definitely a red flag I think. I am not sure she liked it as she says I look so tense in it, which I do tense up in photos but when we use video messenger on facebook she says I look really good, another red flag.

Anyway, someone with decent social skills who is reading this is probably seeing lots of red flags that I can not. What are they? How can avoid having this turn into a toxic or overly-dependent relationship? I told her after 6-12 months of talking on text and video chats we would be in a better position to decide if we are wanting a visit and see if we are as compatible as we seems to be. Is that reasonable?

I am such an awkward dork that any insight is greatly appreciated!

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

You two are like a puzzle piece that complete where the other has the emotional void / gap.

Just be careful. If she does enter a relationship IRL further down the track, don't let yourself get hurt as the texts / messages begin to dwindle.

Have you ever seen the MTV show Catfish? When TishaBuv mentioned it in a post once, I watched a few episodes on Hulu. It is about people who fall in love online and then the show pays for them to meet. Occassionally, when they meet, the connection they made online continues; however, most of the time they find that one of the people was lying about who they really were. Sometimes the pictures they post of themselves are really pictures of someone else.

Maybe watch some episodes in order to prepare you for the possibility that she isn't who she says she is?

In the meantime, just enjoy your time with her but remember that the fact you are investing so much time in someone so far away means that the relationship can only go so far. Maybe you jumped in, in part, because you are afraid of a real relationship but these online interactions might build your confidence so that one day, you might be able to meet someone IRL.

Anyone that makes us feel joyful can also make us hurt but it is so worth it. Try not to be afraid of that but embrace it. I hope you continue to have these fantastic conversations with her.

Never forget that she could be a dude. I see lots of gender misrepresentation in my online job. It's as if these guys want to be wom- oh, yeah.

I am concerned about it.


I have seen her facebook, linkedin and instagram and it is all the same person. Her picture is on the website of the office website that she works at and I know it is legitimate because it is an American company.

Every picture of her is the same person.

It still could be a catfish but to what end? She knows I am not rich and a trip there would be a stretch. If it is a catfish, it is an extremely high effort catfish. Each of her social pages has lots of friends/connections and are years old.

Honestly, I would be more concerned about catfish locally.

Thank you, you gave me a lot of think about.

I will say, this is the last thing I expected to find on a pen pal site.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

If she met someone nice IRL I would be very happy for her. Fewer to no messages would hurt but would be worth it I think. I obviously don't have as much invested here as if she lived down the street, at the very least I am her friend, I like to see my friends happy.

I went many years alone but not feeling lonely but the past year that changed and it is a terrible feeling and this is as good as I can do and it will do just fine.

Thanks

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

Well, with the dozens of pictures being the same and the video she sent to me tonight, there is zero doubt she is a dude.

It was obviously made on the spot specifically for me. No, I will not get into details.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

I'm really happy for you! Of course you need to be careful as far ar online relationships are concerned, but enjoy your time with her right now.

Like the others have said, just be careful.
That being said, could it be another person on this planet is lonely and looking for a connection?
Enjoy it. It seems to be bringing your happy to the surface.
My first thought was is she looking to get married to move to the US? Transfer jobs?
And that's not always a bad thing.
Just be careful.

I am sure there are a lot of lonely people. It seems so strange that she would choose to talk to me of all people.

I don't think she is looking to get married with someone here. After last night I don't know anymore. Distance seems to be the best thing to keep our friendship from moving too fast.


Is this a bad thing? I don't know. If she were willing to uproot her life why me? I am literally no one. If she was willing, and came here she is taking all the risks and it would kill me if she did it and then realized that yes, I do suck and she made a horrible mistake. I do suppose if she flew herself here, the question of if she is a catfish would be answered.


Besides, the small possibility of her not being real I think I am most concerned about this veering into unhealthy for either of us. She was suicidal once and I am every day.


I guess there is no magic formula for it but I fear that if that happens I either won't recognize it or be too far gone to care. That would hurt me badly.


I can't really go back on meds safely and the last few months I have noticed that my mental state has deteriorated a fair amount. One reason I gave up on a social life so long ago is that when my mind is really ill I tend to latch on to anyone no matter how much they are hurting me, and they did hurt me severely. It isn't a problem when I am not as bad.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

The test of time will be an important test. It takes time to have a reliable sense that you know her well.

"There is zero doubt she's a dude" means she's a dude. We'll call that a Freudian slip.

As soon as you said Russian, that broke it for me. Yes, I realise I am painting one culture with a single brush but I am not kidding when I say, "Stay away." This is sooooooooo common. Of course she says what you want to hear. I can't say enough how wary you should be. You are much better off in the real life world. Don't get hooked, lined, and sinkered here. It won't be long before she is asking for money. This scam is all toooooooooo common. I am not kidding. Please, as difficult as it may be, concentrate on the real world.

I get the feeling you are not as much an ugly, loser as you think you are. You are not a nobody. You are probably a nice looking, intelligent, kind man. You probably have a decent place to live, a decent job, a citizenship of a good country, many things to offer.

It’s wonderful you found someone you are enjoying getting to know and communicating with at the very least.

She is definitely flirting and projecting a sexual future with you. The fact that you are video chatting where you both see and hear each other shows she is the image of the person you think she is.

She could be lying about everything else like maybe being married or her true intentions of possibly marrying you for citizenship or luring you to her country and stealing your identity or something horrible like that.

But for now, you are enjoying this relationship. So allow yourself some pleasure!

10 days of communication is nothing. I have had several pen friends over the years and without exception the level of correspondence has diminished over time. Also without exception is how each one gradually faded on me. I no longer take it personally. Neither party owes the other anything, sometimes life gets in the way and sometimes they find someone with whom they have an even better connection.

Enjoy what you currently have, but don't put all your eggs in one basket in case she turns out to be someone else, or fades on you once the initial excitement has worn off. She may not have asked for money or other favours yet but it's very early days.

Well first thing I would point out about your situation is that it seems rather drastic to be believing you know so much about this person after just 10 days. Spending 10 days with someone IRL wouldn't even be enough to know a lot about someone, let alone an online friendship/relationship. Stop, slow down, think about things and really consider this.

Second, it seems to be that you're getting drawn in. Most of your post is rather fantastic, describing her in almost entirely positive ways which to me could be at least a warning flag. How many people do you know or have known either in real life or online that you really know, that have that many check marks on the pro side with barely any negatives? take a moment to also consider if the persona she is portraying is real or not. We all put our best foot forward in an early relationship but sometimes people go out of their way to mask any negatives, disagreements, and hide things by going along with a lot more than they really like to.

This is all speculation, of course and I am neither saying that it's likely a "catfish" situation or that it's not, but yes, there are some reasons for you to take a step back and analyze things. Even in the best of situations where she is exactly what you describe I would recommend this. In a situation even where the person is just right for us, rushing things and getting too wrapped up in them is a bad thing.

I have more I could say on this but essentially it all points to you being more cautious and don't take everything you see now as "fact" time will tell and will bear out the realities of who you're involved with.

Btw, on a last note, being deceived by someone does not necessarily have to be for monetary reasons nor is it always about getting something material from the other person. Catfish are the extreme deceptive situation but there are many - as I have known and been involved with - people that will do so for other reasons, even something as simple as the excitement of having someone so wrapped up in them. Sometimes it's a game, and it's an ego boost for them. So don't write off that you "may" be being deceived.

Very good insight, thank you very much. Your posts are always a good read.

She does talk about visiting here for her vacation next summer and never me going there. It does trigger my paranoia, plus she says things that no one has ever said before which is suspicious, but might just be my self-hatred getting in the way.


Like you said, we are having fun, plus no one is getting hurt. Thanks.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

That is what I was expecting going this route to finding people to talk to. She had been on the pen pal site for a while and said the same thing about how communication decreases and somewhat quickly and said she was surprised we went the other way.


The amount of time we spend texting or video chatting increases. I couldn't talk to anyone else even if I could find someone else. I will be glad when her vacation is over next Monday so we can get some space and I will have time to take a step back. The intensity sometimes is too much for me.

I don't have a lot invested but it is just really confusing to have a woman not ignore me. If she isn't who she says she is it is not like it can hurt me other than feeling stupid. If she is real, there might be something there and that is more frightening then if she is lying. People lying on the internet is expected.


Thanks

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

I am not wealthy and she spends a lot of time for how little she could potentially scam from me if that is her goal.

The thing is that she doesn't tell me what I want to hear, she knows I am down on myself and gets after me about it which is kind of annoying. I don't like getting compliments and she knows it. It really bothers me but she does it anyway.

I am cautious, she doesn't know anything that could be used against me or to steal my identity or whatever. She hasn't asked or hinted either. If she is a scammer, she is extremely inefficient given the time spent vs potential reward if it is successful.At worst, it is a very fun waste of my time.


I am not big on judging people based on stereotypes.

Thank you though, I like hearing all perspectives.

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

She did say she would like to visit someday but not anytime soon. She can be a little cold which matches my experience with Russians when I was in college and is certainly very emotional, swinging one way to another but it doesn't feel like she is bipolar.


I see your point about other motives, but that isn't a horrible thing as I still have someone to talk to which is better than what I had before. That is kind of sad, I admit.


I guess I will see how it goes. Whether or not she is real my biggest concern is becoming attached in a very unhealthy way. Given how long I have been alone plus my mental state I think it is a real concern.

Thanks

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds