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Old 11-24-2018, 09:14 PM #31
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Default Re: When you know you're with the wrong person

No judgement. But current events are pretty much a sign for you that you need to move on. Absolutely donít recommend you stay friends with him. He is not to be trusted. Stay strong. We are here for you
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Old 11-25-2018, 10:33 AM #32
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I'm having a really hard time. I have no other explanation for my wallet going missing. I accused him because he had easy access. I only went out for groceries and back to his place without my wallet. I've usually kept it with me. Something in my gut wanted to hurry back to his apartment while waiting for him to get his groceries. That's when I reached in my purse to realize I left it on his kitchen table. He didn't want me calling the police. I had to. All my identy was in there other than my birth certificate. Now I don't know how I'm going to get my health card, license etc. I have no current passport. I'm so upset that he denies taking it. That leaves me utterly confused angry and anxious. But he never stole from me before that I know of.

BUT, he's quite recently in major financial trouble. So it makes me wonder. I'm not careless with my wallet. It had to be him or what else? There was no forced entry and nothing else stolen. More reasons to believe it was him.

Understand that I loved this man for almost 3 years.
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Old 11-25-2018, 06:04 PM #33
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Default Re: When you know you're with the wrong person

I had a marriage counselor early on that told my husband and I we should make a video of our fights because they would be the same ones we have over and over again. It's been mostly true; same fights over and over. A few new topics when kids came into the picture.
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Old 11-25-2018, 07:16 PM #34
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I stayed with someone a year longer than I thought I would. I understand the whole reasoning for staying with someone when there are signs you should break up. Itís hard and itís painful. Itís been just over 2 months for me since the split and I am feeling much happier now. It took a while because I missed talking to someone and felt lonely but it gets better with time.
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Old 11-25-2018, 07:19 PM #35
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Default Re: When you know you're with the wrong person

The wallet thing does sound like a red flag. It is very frustrating not to have the forms of identity you need. I lost my driver's license and then realized my passport had expired. So for a while I had no ID, and that made me uncomfortable.

I can't really speak to the relationship issue. Do you have someone in real life you can talk to about it?
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Old 11-26-2018, 05:10 AM #36
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Default Re: When you know you're with the wrong person

I don't have people in my life to talk about it. I have one friend, and an ex sis in law but they are very busy people. This here has been my main support.

I guess I don't know how to cope but I've got to. What choice is there? I just wanted a relationship to work. I wanted but I do realize I might never find a good man. I'm now into my 50s and I give up. It might be that I'm a problem to the men I've had in my life. I do the best I can to make it work.
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Old 11-26-2018, 06:29 AM #37
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Are you in therapy? You might be attracting wring men and then are trying to make them into right ones. Itís not uncommon. Good therapist can help you.

You tried to make this relationship work but it canít work with men like your BF. You may or may not find the right man but the one you are with isnít right and you canít change that. You canít make it work with him, thatís just a reality. Since you two donít live together it could be relatively fast ending. No packing and moving is involved. I spent almost 9 years living with a person whom I hoped to change (alcoholic relapsing on and off). Well I finally left and am now happily married but he still struggles with the same issue. What you see is what you get. I dont regret it but there was no need to stick around for that long. When someone isnít right, dragging it for years isnít going to make them right.

Are there other things in life you might enjoy if you dont have a man: hobby? Job? Work out? Volunteer? Church? Friendships? Helping others? Good books? Walking in a nature?
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Old 11-26-2018, 08:32 PM #38
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Are you in therapy? You might be attracting wring men and then are trying to make them into right ones. Itís not uncommon. Good therapist can help you.

You tried to make this relationship work but it canít work with men like your BF. You may or may not find the right man but the one you are with isnít right and you canít change that. You canít make it work with him, thatís just a reality. Since you two donít live together it could be relatively fast ending. No packing and moving is involved. I spent almost 9 years living with a person whom I hoped to change (alcoholic relapsing on and off). Well I finally left and am now happily married but he still struggles with the same issue. What you see is what you get. I dont regret it but there was no need to stick around for that long. When someone isnít right, dragging it for years isnít going to make them right.

Are there other things in life you might enjoy if you dont have a man: hobby? Job? Work out? Volunteer? Church? Friendships? Helping others? Good books? Walking in a nature?
I'm on a waiting list for a counselor. I had a therapist, a real certified therapist a few years ago. Unfortunately she talked too much about herself and and adhd, so it didn't go well. What I got though from her, was that I should take my time with relationships. I did with him. I was happy with him. I know how to ground myself. I'm more mature with communication and arguments (and this isn't to make me sound good), than he is. He's lived alone more of his life than I have.

He wants his FREEDOM. I put it in capitals, because that's what he said it comes down to. He said a long time ago in a letter, "I'm not sure I can have my privacy, space, and freedom, and still have a meaningful relationship with you." That read to me, as, sorry for my blunt way of putting things "I want a F buddy". He says that's not what he meant. But he is self centered, not generous, and can be very hurtful with his words. Also pushed me to the floor a year and a half ago but I forgave him. We were both drinking, and he said I had almost knocked over some of his things.

I believe he is soured on women. Any bits of info he will give me has shown me he has a bit of a hate on for the women he was with. I think he transfers some of those feelings to me, regardless of who I really am. When we get along, we really get along. Good. He can lift my spirits by complimenting me, he can make me feel loved with his hugs and kisses, and his caring (not all the time, but sometimes), about what I've eaten and if I take care of my own needs. I'm diabetic and have other health issues. Sacroiliac joint dysfunction. I have a lot of medication. Not too many men would be standing in line for a 50 something year old who is on disability.

I'm not disregarding everything that has been said here. I'm just trying to explain why I feel I love him. I know actions speak louder than words.

I need to leave him out of my life completely for a while. I understand the thinking "what you see is what you get", but I also know it is NOT impossible for people and circumstances to change. It is unlikely, but not impossible.

There are bad things about me, bad things about him. Good things about me, good things about him.

When we get along, it's really good. I can't be sure he's to blame for the wallet, because he's never stolen or went through my purse or belongings that I ever knew of. I'd never suspect him, he is trustworthy and loyal. He hasn't cheated on me. Unless he had no conscience, and was a sociopath like my ex h, I'd not believe what he says. But he's always been trustworthy. He works hard. He is loyal to his own family. He is a good friend. But the romance is gone, he barely tolerates me.

Those were his words just recently. "I cant tolerate you."

It seems as though I have issues that attract men who aren't too good to me.

I've had enough time to know what I can and can't deal with.

I can't deal with living with him.

I hope we could resolve our problems. I really DON'T want any other man, that is my decision and it is final. So if WE can't resolve our issues, it will be over in the near future.


I do have hobbies, I do walk when I can, and I don't like church even though I have faith. I really appreciate this community support. Thanks to you all.
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Old 11-27-2018, 05:47 AM #39
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Default Re: When you know you're with the wrong person

2daffodils, it sounds a bit to me like you're settling for what you can get, and you're settling for less than what you deserve.

You can't deal with living with him, but you still want to hold on and work out the issues? You cannot teach a man respect. You cannot teach a man who is mean how to not be mean.

You don't deserve mean words. You don't deserve to be told "I can't tolerate you".

Why you would still want to work it out with a man who sometimes is mean to you and who said these words is beyond me, but I think you're settling because you know this means you will be alone.

It's far better to be alone than to settle for less than what you deserve. It's far better to be alone than to be hurt. It's far better to be alone than to deal with someone who transfers their hate for women onto you... that's misogyny. Please think about this. He does not sound like an all around good man.
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Old 11-27-2018, 06:34 AM #40
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Goodness this can only continue to get worse. I agree with the others. Leave as quick as you can, no matter how difficult it is and no matter how emotionally attached you feel. Sometimes you just have to make yourself do whatís right logically and let your emotions catch up with you later.
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