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katydid777
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Default Nov 22, 2018 at 02:20 PM
  #21
I know this to be true in mine, and my H's life of over 26 years. We are like left, and right, and once he has physically/sexually abused me, but emotionally abuses most days. I know this is wrong to let him by with all of this, but our situation is complicated. I pray that some day he will fix himself, or I will be able to change this, but there isn't anything I can do at this time, and we do have over 26 years together, and this alone makes it hard.
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Default Nov 22, 2018 at 03:09 PM
  #22
((((2daffodils)))) I'm so sorry you're struggling. Please dump him as soon as you can... he's not worth it. You, on the other hand, deserve so much better... don't waste your life chasing him. Just cut him out of your life - all the "good moments" you seem to be having together are likely him manipulating you. Please stay safe and take care of yourself. I'm sorry
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Default Nov 22, 2018 at 08:15 PM
  #23
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Originally Posted by 2daffodils View Post
How do I know if this man is right for me? I said I know he's not right, but I'm not sure. He keeps changing his mind about living with me. He says I'm controlling, but I see him as controlling. He'll say things like, "dont do the dishes", then days later, I see you didn't even do the dishes. I love you and I want you in my life. Days later, I want you to get your things oout and I want nothing from you. Then, I love you. THen, he'll say I don't know what I want. Then he says I miss you already after leaving for one day, and he says, yes I want you to live with me. Then, "as long as we get along"

Can anyone help me out? This confusion is driving me crazy. I often feel like he doesn't appreciate me, but then I feel like I have nothing left if I break up with him and leave him. I have already spilled my guts to a frriend on here, and the opiinion is, he's a jerk and I've nothing to lose, well not much if I leave him or he breaks up with me and takes me back for the umpteenth time.


Do I even know what love is, when this guy can put me down for the smallest mistakes and make me feel worse about myslelf. Yet I think I love him. At this point, I don't care what response I get here, I don't care what anyone thinks of me.

I'm getting older and I don't want to find another bf. Ever. If we break up that's it for me and I feel like I've invested a lot in this relationship for 3 years.
I don’t see any confusion. He treats you badly. How can he be right for you? It doesn’t matter how many years you spent with him. If he was a jerk for 3 years, he’ll be a jerk for next 10 years and you’ll be even older then. If you enjoy being put down and being treated badly and inconsistently then I’d say it’s ok to stay with him (just please don’t have kids with him), but if you are unhappy then what’s the point? You definitely can do better than that.
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Default Nov 23, 2018 at 11:50 PM
  #24
I so wish I had taken this advice sooner. I stayed with the bf today. He's asked me to hide his last bit of weed for him before so he has some for the next day. He was sleeping after he had his joint. He's depending on me because he irresponsibly changed his snow tires and they started to come off last weekend. I've offered to help him get groceries and take and pick him up after work because he had his car towed and wrecked the threads on the tire rods. He was so irritated today because he's financially in trouble because he wants his car fixed.

I believe he stole my wallet. I know where I left it. There's no other explanation. I reported it stolen. He's acting like he knows nothing. But I've lost all my identity. I think he did this but he can become really physical and I won't accuse him. It wouldn't change anything anyways. It's reported as an "occurence"... the police can do nothing. I'm feeling so horrible. So like I have had enough of life. Did he honestly take the one thing I need? Money and identity? At least my bank card and credit is frozen, I made sure of that.

Please don't judge me tonight. I can't take anymore.
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Default Nov 24, 2018 at 12:43 AM
  #25
sadhug:
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Default Nov 24, 2018 at 12:49 AM
  #26


I'm so sorry that these latest things have happened.

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Default Nov 24, 2018 at 07:20 AM
  #27
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Originally Posted by 2daffodils View Post
I so wish I had taken this advice sooner. I stayed with the bf today. He's asked me to hide his last bit of weed for him before so he has some for the next day. He was sleeping after he had his joint. He's depending on me because he irresponsibly changed his snow tires and they started to come off last weekend. I've offered to help him get groceries and take and pick him up after work because he had his car towed and wrecked the threads on the tire rods. He was so irritated today because he's financially in trouble because he wants his car fixed.

I believe he stole my wallet. I know where I left it. There's no other explanation. I reported it stolen. He's acting like he knows nothing. But I've lost all my identity. I think he did this but he can become really physical and I won't accuse him. It wouldn't change anything anyways. It's reported as an "occurence"... the police can do nothing. I'm feeling so horrible. So like I have had enough of life. Did he honestly take the one thing I need? Money and identity? At least my bank card and credit is frozen, I made sure of that.

Please don't judge me tonight. I can't take anymore.


No judgement, but please break up with him. It's FAR better to be alone than with a total A-hole. If he stole your wallet, or if you even suspect he did, you can never trust him.
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Default Nov 24, 2018 at 09:31 AM
  #28
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This. This is what rings true with me. I do need to friend zone him and then see what his actions are.. if he is even a friend, then I will know. Thanks for understanding me, healing.
I think his actions speak volumes. I cannot even imagine.
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Default Nov 24, 2018 at 12:34 PM
  #29
Yes even the way he talked and interacted with me last night spoke volumes. Thank you for the support here.
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Default Nov 24, 2018 at 02:50 PM
  #30
(((((2daffodils)))))

I sense a new determination on your part to be rid of him.

I myself am pleased to see that but will continue to support you ads. best that I can, whatever path you may take.

Be strong!
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Default Nov 24, 2018 at 10:14 PM
  #31
No judgement. But current events are pretty much a sign for you that you need to move on. Absolutely don’t recommend you stay friends with him. He is not to be trusted. Stay strong. We are here for you
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Default Nov 25, 2018 at 11:33 AM
  #32
I'm having a really hard time. I have no other explanation for my wallet going missing. I accused him because he had easy access. I only went out for groceries and back to his place without my wallet. I've usually kept it with me. Something in my gut wanted to hurry back to his apartment while waiting for him to get his groceries. That's when I reached in my purse to realize I left it on his kitchen table. He didn't want me calling the police. I had to. All my identy was in there other than my birth certificate. Now I don't know how I'm going to get my health card, license etc. I have no current passport. I'm so upset that he denies taking it. That leaves me utterly confused angry and anxious. But he never stole from me before that I know of.

BUT, he's quite recently in major financial trouble. So it makes me wonder. I'm not careless with my wallet. It had to be him or what else? There was no forced entry and nothing else stolen. More reasons to believe it was him.

Understand that I loved this man for almost 3 years.
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Default Nov 25, 2018 at 07:04 PM
  #33
I had a marriage counselor early on that told my husband and I we should make a video of our fights because they would be the same ones we have over and over again. It's been mostly true; same fights over and over. A few new topics when kids came into the picture.
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Default Nov 25, 2018 at 08:16 PM
  #34
I stayed with someone a year longer than I thought I would. I understand the whole reasoning for staying with someone when there are signs you should break up. It’s hard and it’s painful. It’s been just over 2 months for me since the split and I am feeling much happier now. It took a while because I missed talking to someone and felt lonely but it gets better with time.
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Default Nov 25, 2018 at 08:19 PM
  #35
The wallet thing does sound like a red flag. It is very frustrating not to have the forms of identity you need. I lost my driver's license and then realized my passport had expired. So for a while I had no ID, and that made me uncomfortable.

I can't really speak to the relationship issue. Do you have someone in real life you can talk to about it?
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Default Nov 26, 2018 at 06:10 AM
  #36
I don't have people in my life to talk about it. I have one friend, and an ex sis in law but they are very busy people. This here has been my main support.

I guess I don't know how to cope but I've got to. What choice is there? I just wanted a relationship to work. I wanted but I do realize I might never find a good man. I'm now into my 50s and I give up. It might be that I'm a problem to the men I've had in my life. I do the best I can to make it work.
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Default Nov 26, 2018 at 07:29 AM
  #37
Are you in therapy? You might be attracting wring men and then are trying to make them into right ones. It’s not uncommon. Good therapist can help you.

You tried to make this relationship work but it can’t work with men like your BF. You may or may not find the right man but the one you are with isn’t right and you can’t change that. You can’t make it work with him, that’s just a reality. Since you two don’t live together it could be relatively fast ending. No packing and moving is involved. I spent almost 9 years living with a person whom I hoped to change (alcoholic relapsing on and off). Well I finally left and am now happily married but he still struggles with the same issue. What you see is what you get. I dont regret it but there was no need to stick around for that long. When someone isn’t right, dragging it for years isn’t going to make them right.

Are there other things in life you might enjoy if you dont have a man: hobby? Job? Work out? Volunteer? Church? Friendships? Helping others? Good books? Walking in a nature?
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Default Nov 26, 2018 at 09:32 PM
  #38
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Are you in therapy? You might be attracting wring men and then are trying to make them into right ones. It’s not uncommon. Good therapist can help you.

You tried to make this relationship work but it can’t work with men like your BF. You may or may not find the right man but the one you are with isn’t right and you can’t change that. You can’t make it work with him, that’s just a reality. Since you two don’t live together it could be relatively fast ending. No packing and moving is involved. I spent almost 9 years living with a person whom I hoped to change (alcoholic relapsing on and off). Well I finally left and am now happily married but he still struggles with the same issue. What you see is what you get. I dont regret it but there was no need to stick around for that long. When someone isn’t right, dragging it for years isn’t going to make them right.

Are there other things in life you might enjoy if you dont have a man: hobby? Job? Work out? Volunteer? Church? Friendships? Helping others? Good books? Walking in a nature?
I'm on a waiting list for a counselor. I had a therapist, a real certified therapist a few years ago. Unfortunately she talked too much about herself and and adhd, so it didn't go well. What I got though from her, was that I should take my time with relationships. I did with him. I was happy with him. I know how to ground myself. I'm more mature with communication and arguments (and this isn't to make me sound good), than he is. He's lived alone more of his life than I have.

He wants his FREEDOM. I put it in capitals, because that's what he said it comes down to. He said a long time ago in a letter, "I'm not sure I can have my privacy, space, and freedom, and still have a meaningful relationship with you." That read to me, as, sorry for my blunt way of putting things "I want a F buddy". He says that's not what he meant. But he is self centered, not generous, and can be very hurtful with his words. Also pushed me to the floor a year and a half ago but I forgave him. We were both drinking, and he said I had almost knocked over some of his things.

I believe he is soured on women. Any bits of info he will give me has shown me he has a bit of a hate on for the women he was with. I think he transfers some of those feelings to me, regardless of who I really am. When we get along, we really get along. Good. He can lift my spirits by complimenting me, he can make me feel loved with his hugs and kisses, and his caring (not all the time, but sometimes), about what I've eaten and if I take care of my own needs. I'm diabetic and have other health issues. Sacroiliac joint dysfunction. I have a lot of medication. Not too many men would be standing in line for a 50 something year old who is on disability.

I'm not disregarding everything that has been said here. I'm just trying to explain why I feel I love him. I know actions speak louder than words.

I need to leave him out of my life completely for a while. I understand the thinking "what you see is what you get", but I also know it is NOT impossible for people and circumstances to change. It is unlikely, but not impossible.

There are bad things about me, bad things about him. Good things about me, good things about him.

When we get along, it's really good. I can't be sure he's to blame for the wallet, because he's never stolen or went through my purse or belongings that I ever knew of. I'd never suspect him, he is trustworthy and loyal. He hasn't cheated on me. Unless he had no conscience, and was a sociopath like my ex h, I'd not believe what he says. But he's always been trustworthy. He works hard. He is loyal to his own family. He is a good friend. But the romance is gone, he barely tolerates me.

Those were his words just recently. "I cant tolerate you."

It seems as though I have issues that attract men who aren't too good to me.

I've had enough time to know what I can and can't deal with.

I can't deal with living with him.

I hope we could resolve our problems. I really DON'T want any other man, that is my decision and it is final. So if WE can't resolve our issues, it will be over in the near future.

I do have hobbies, I do walk when I can, and I don't like church even though I have faith. I really appreciate this community support. Thanks to you all.
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Default Nov 27, 2018 at 06:47 AM
  #39
2daffodils, it sounds a bit to me like you're settling for what you can get, and you're settling for less than what you deserve.

You can't deal with living with him, but you still want to hold on and work out the issues? You cannot teach a man respect. You cannot teach a man who is mean how to not be mean.

You don't deserve mean words. You don't deserve to be told "I can't tolerate you".

Why you would still want to work it out with a man who sometimes is mean to you and who said these words is beyond me, but I think you're settling because you know this means you will be alone.

It's far better to be alone than to settle for less than what you deserve. It's far better to be alone than to be hurt. It's far better to be alone than to deal with someone who transfers their hate for women onto you... that's misogyny. Please think about this. He does not sound like an all around good man.
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Default Nov 27, 2018 at 07:34 AM
  #40
Goodness this can only continue to get worse. I agree with the others. Leave as quick as you can, no matter how difficult it is and no matter how emotionally attached you feel. Sometimes you just have to make yourself do what’s right logically and let your emotions catch up with you later.
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