When you know you're with the wrong person

It sounds as you feel that having any man even the mean and nasty one is better than to be alone.

I do get it. But how does anyone determine what I deserve? I understand from what I've said here that this seems so obvious he can't respect me. My own gut knows this. I have dished it back at him at times. I can say things that hurt him just like he hurts me. Who knows I deserve "better", or that there is "better" out there? I've experienced a few short relationships, well, I won't even consider those "relationships" in the last 6 or so years, other than with this man. I didn't see anything better. Maybe I'm getting soured on men and need my own space. I think divine or golden said that any kind of commitment won't change things. I know that is true. But he hasn't been a complete jerk ALL the time.I

Stay with him then.. It’s your prerogative. He’s a jerk but by all means do as you please. We’re jyst trying to help u see that it’s dysfunctional. That is all. You started this thread by saying you know you’re with the wrong man. Now you’re backtracking and are justifying it.

It’s nothing to do with who deserves what. If this relationship makes you happy and you see no need to leave, then by no means you should not break up. But I don’t really understand what are you asking in this thread. If things are good with this guy and you are doing what feels right, then what exactly are you asking. I sincerely dont understand. We can’t tell you what to do. You want this guy, it’s fine. It’s entirely up to you.

If you have never seen anything better than this, absolutely awful man, then it’s a big issue all in itself. But if you want to be with him, who are we to tell you to leave. I think some of us misunderstood that you were asking advice or help. “Can anyone help me?”.

I’d never tell anyone to leave unless they asked for advice.

Yes. I started by a title of a thread. And a nvm. Then people were not responding to me but someone else's response to a simple "nvm."
This is why I don't usually post in this section of the forums. I liked healings idea. Things changed when I thought he stole from me. I didn't see it happen.

Yes he's not the best man but... ummm.. I? have issues? .... if this is the best I've seen from men I've been involved with?

YES. Finally some truth in this thread. I sincerely appreciate this community and advice.

Well, I'll just say my two cents and will be done with it. It seems like a dysfunctional relationship at best, with both of you being mean to each other periodically. That is not love. True love involves respect for one another, not mean, vicious or cruel words. Love does not involve hurting each other. Mean words = dysfunctional.

But stay if you are happy. That's what matters the most here is whether you are happy or not. I figured you had gripes and wanted advice based on the nature of the title and also on the nature of your later posts. But it seems you have figured it out.

Just to clarify I never said that YOU have an issue, but that IT IS an issue if you never saw anyone better than this man. Typically the kind of issue of being only attracted to abusive men could be addressed in therapy. But I digress. It sounds that you know what you want and need. Best wishes

I think many men in their 50s get so set in their ways. And I think a need for space or independence as many call it--not that they aren't clinging to the companionship aspect and I don't mean that sexually either--is a real not imaginary reality in 2018.

So I totally get where you are coming from.

Okay, I'm throwing in my two cents, you sound a lot like me when I finally separated from my ex.
I too would have tossed around the disclaimers, the excuses for his behavior, the I probably deserved it because...and then, after we separated-and yes that hurts for a while. It does, but, you get over it. After we separated I started reading about codependency.
I wouldn't have when we were in the relationship, because I thought co-dependants were sad sacks who couldn't stand up for themselves.
I was wrong.
I was in an abusive relationship and didn't even accept that I had been. I refused to accept that I had been a survivor of an abusive relationship.
But here you are, telling us he's pushed you, said mean things to you, used you, and that you're willing to settle for this rather than be alone.
Well, friend, being alone is NOT the worst thing that can happen.
The worst thing is when the fights get nastier, and no amount of reconciling or forgiving or pretending makes it go away. And you are given tiny crumbs of affection for agreeing to participate in it, and you are OK with that.
But, its your choice, and your life. If you want to find out for yourself, you can. We can't stop you.
However, since your here you must know that we're all here for a reason, because we've been through some stuff, and we know from experience.
Also, I have been alone for a long time, and it really IS better to be alone than to live like that.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I'll wrap this up as best I can. I've been through a ton of crap in my life. from abusive neglective parents, to an ex h that is a sociopath. So I know you are all trying to help. This relationship seems toxic, can be, he seems rude, but... all I can say is I'm doing the best I can to figure out my next steps. Thanks to all for your input.

Oops, said I'd wrap it up. Just left here with a few questions. He keeps throwing around the words "bossy, controlling".... I don't understand and I've asked him to start to explain what he means first, by saying "You're too bossy". I don't see myself as bossy. I ask what I can do and I've asked what he means, he doesn't have anything to say after that. He seems to think I am bossy yet when asked, he goes silent. My only guess is that he wants his space so very much, like he'd be happy to see me once a week, and when I'm around for more time he is uncomfortable because he's used to a bachelor style way of life.

Anyone else here been told they are bossy and controlling, and do you have any idea what a man means when they say this? thanks

It's not my opinion, it's the truth of the matter. Argue with me if you wish, but that's not my intention at all. Love does not involve being mean to each other -- that is not love. That is something else -- it is dysfunction, and it's unhealthy.

Here's what you wrote:

"I have dished it back at him at times. I can say things that hurt him just like he hurts me. Who knows I deserve "better", or that there is "better" out there?"

You sound like you are justifying him being mean by saying you dish it out yourself and are mean back. My guess is you're just defending yourself with him whenever he has been mean towards you.

I think you're settling. Please forgive me for pointing this out, but you seem like you have very little self-esteem and self-worth. Someone with strong self-esteem, no matter what their prior experience has been, would walk away when someone is repeatedly mean to them.

I am not trying to be mean by saying that. I am just trying to get you to look at yourself and HIM and to realize that YES, in fact, you DO deserve better.

Please think more of yourself than you do... and if you've come to the point of even suspecting that he stole your wallet? What kind of relationship is that? I don't understand this at all here.

Also, I thought this was a closed topic now? You seem to want to continue a debate about him. I thought you had made up your mind?

Wow, you were right on that one. My message was up for all of 2 min before I deleted it. I'm not trying to start an argument. But I've noticed before that you said your current bf would "never" be mean to you. Excuse me but people aren't perfect. Relationships aren't. People change in ways you wouldn't have expected.

This bf has changed this past year or more. He's not laid a hand on me. He's barely been verbally mean. Yes the wallet stolen was traumatizing to me, and of course since I saw it last at his apartment I assumed since there was not a sign of a break-in, it could be him because we've been arguing more this past month. Thanks.

No my fiancé would never be mean. People don’t change just like that. He’s pushed you down in the past, correct??

That is correct Golden. It was I think more than one and a half years ago and we were both extremely drunk.

All I can say is: drunk or not that is never ok.

No it isn't ok. I've been reading a previous thread I made. I had decided then to leave this bf. It didn't last long. I had asked if controlling meant love because I misinterpreted what my friend sent in a p.m. here. Of course controlling isn't love. It seems he still is controlling or is just fed up with our relationship. But he always wants me back again. I could be very codependent in this. I'm a mess emotionally today.

When someone says they can’t tolerate you it’s an indication that they’re fed up and are not that invested. I don’t really understand why you want this relationship but as I said before if you’re happy that’s all that matters.

Are you familiar with the cycle of abuse?

An abuser wants the abused person back so as to be able to continue the abuse. Therefore, an abuser will be nice from time to time, just nice enough to entice the abused person to stay or come back. But the niceness never lasts.

Yes I'm familiar with the cycle of abuse. I can't seem to get myself out of it. I'm financially strapped because of my wallet being gone. It wasn't returned to anywhere. I strongly feel something strange happened in his apartment. I can tell certain people really don't like him and he's had parcels stolen from outside his apartment. He's involved with drug dealers. I noticed one at his work, when I picked him up one night. I pay attention to things that's how i know, the licence plate. He openly gets his cannibas at work and no one cares.

He's telling me I'm bossy for asking him what bossy means to him. I don't know how to leave him. I'm out of $ for this month.