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Old 11-24-2018, 08:04 AM #1
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Mad I always put myself last...

I was raised to put others before myself. Think of their feelings and wants and to ignore my own. Obviously this led to a host of issues for me on a personal level. I have learned to care for myself now. But I still feel this obligation or responsibility to and for others.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, but he has a host of health problems. He does not work currently as a result of them. He refuses to go see a doctor (although that was what he told me he was doing) and after he stopped smoking because he knew it bothered me (and exacerbated his condition), I found out heís been sneaking for the last few weeks.

He told me itís his body. He can do what he wants. And thatís so true. I have no right. But because it makes his condition worse, because he wonít get medical help, i havenít been going on hikes or riding my horses or any other physical activity. Even when I go on walks at night, he gets upset because I go without him. Itís been 6 months since the condition got this bad and I have basically become a recluse, doctoring him and caring for him.

However seeing that heís started smoking again and knowing how much worse this makes it, I think Iím done. Not necessarily with our relationship but with my need to put him first. If he wonít put himself first, then I shouldnít. I think I need to start going out. Hiking. Riding my horses. Living my life. We are in a relatively open relationship anyhow so what comes is what comes. But I canít care more for him that he does. Meanwhile heís told me Iím a nag and im crazy to the point Iíve started having to take my antidepressants again which Iíd actually been able to decrease the dose on before this all happened.

His health is really impacting our relationship but I think Iím giving it that power. I canít want him to be healthy more than he does.
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Old 11-24-2018, 08:38 AM #2
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Default Re: I always put myself last...

((((jaymoq)))) I'm sorry you're struggling. It's normal and even admirable that you care so much for your husband and that you worry for his health. But, like you said, he's the one that has to care first, otherwise he won't get anywhere. I think you're doing the right thing by taking care of yourself - keep supporting others, but most importantly, support yourself as well. I think that's the key to an healthy, balanced life.
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Old 11-24-2018, 01:09 PM #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jaymoq View Post
I was raised to put others before myself. Think of their feelings and wants and to ignore my own. Obviously this led to a host of issues for me on a personal level. I have learned to care for myself now. But I still feel this obligation or responsibility to and for others.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, but he has a host of health problems. He does not work currently as a result of them. He refuses to go see a doctor (although that was what he told me he was doing) and after he stopped smoking because he knew it bothered me (and exacerbated his condition), I found out heís been sneaking for the last few weeks.

He told me itís his body. He can do what he wants. And thatís so true. I have no right. But because it makes his condition worse, because he wonít get medical help, i havenít been going on hikes or riding my horses or any other physical activity. Even when I go on walks at night, he gets upset because I go without him. Itís been 6 months since the condition got this bad and I have basically become a recluse, doctoring him and caring for him.

However seeing that heís started smoking again and knowing how much worse this makes it, I think Iím done. Not necessarily with our relationship but with my need to put him first. If he wonít put himself first, then I shouldnít. I think I need to start going out. Hiking. Riding my horses. Living my life. We are in a relatively open relationship anyhow so what comes is what comes. But I canít care more for him that he does. Meanwhile heís told me Iím a nag and im crazy to the point Iíve started having to take my antidepressants again which Iíd actually been able to decrease the dose on before this all happened.

His health is really impacting our relationship but I think Iím giving it that power. I canít want him to be healthy more than he does.
You're a nag and he has said you're crazy? Now you have to take anti-depressants because of how he treats you???

I don't like the sounds of that. No one should EVER call their partner crazy. That is a put-down and is VERY disrespectful.

I am glad you've decided to put your own needs first, but honestly, this man sounds hopeless. He won't see a doctor when he has health conditions? He can't exercise and gets upset when you do on your own? He is smoking again, on the sly despite his condition?

Sorry, but why do you want to be with someone who seems the opposite of you? Given your own health routine, you seem like you want to take care of yourself and he doesn't want to care for himself at all. Just wondering why you even want to be with someone who appears to be dragging you down. I don't like that you have to be on anti-depressants because of HIM. That is not a good sign at all for the health of the relationship.
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Old 11-24-2018, 09:17 PM #4
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Default Re: I always put myself last...

Whats that they say? When you're getting ready to go on a flight, first put the oxygen mask on yourself, then on your family? Something like that.
Yah, it sounds like you're making a good choice with doing the things that create some balance in your life.
It sounds really oppressive to be the only one doing the caretaking there.
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Old 11-25-2018, 03:40 PM #5
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Default Re: I always put myself last...

Sound to me like you have come to some GOOD foundational awareness. You are correct....if they aren't willing to do the care they need to do for themselves why go out of your way to care for the worsening symptoms they are causing to themselves?

Ok....from personal experience.....you do know that time spent with our horses is a much better antidepressant than chemical meds any day. They give real LOVE back & they even listen better than most people. Time with your horses is much more well spent IMHO.
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Old 12-09-2018, 09:54 PM #6
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Thanks everyone for your input. The situation unfortunately has not gotten better. He continues to wallow in his condition. He has a doctors appointment in two weeks but he has been feeling worse because of the smoking. Naturally. Which in turn makes him hurt more, so to cope he smokes more. Itís all just madness.

I really miss the man he was when we were first together. When he didnít feel so poorly. When we could go do things. Be active. Now we sit in a dark house almost all the time and itís no wonder both of us are going stir crazy.

So I will see how his doctors appointment goes. But if he canít get his act together, something has to change. Even my family has started to comment on the fact he doesnít work and just sits at home.

I miss the man I fell in love with. I truly do. But I know I canít just wish him back. I am trying to support this person that has taken over my loveís body. I hope he will reappear. But if he is gone and this negative and bitter person has taken over, then I canít continue to put myself through this.

Part of me feels bad for even considering leaving given that itís due to a medical condition that he has no control over, but he does have some control. He can take steps to try. I think heís given up on himself. And if thatís the case, I canít help him. I just have to try to save myself.
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Old 12-09-2018, 09:59 PM #7
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Default Re: I always put myself last...

He doesn't respect you. If this continues, you should leave him. Self-care does not equal selfishness.
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Old 12-10-2018, 10:34 AM #8
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Default Re: I always put myself last...

We had a chat last night and he went out and canvased for work today. Of course, the few places he went weren't hiring and he got discouraged. Now he is asking me to help him apply for jobs online when I get home. At least its progress. Of course, I feel like he's fully capable of applying for work. I think he's just dragging his feet. Stringing me along. But I'll help him apply. I get he feels beaten down and upset and depressed and sick on top of all that. But, I can't carry this relationship. I can't carry him. I have my own host of mental health issues that are very real. Over the last 6 months, I've been chipped away at and held our lives together. Paid the bills. Not pushed him. Not asked much. Looked past his tendency to make excuses. But, I just can't anymore. My own mental health is suffering because of this great burden of caring for both of our lives. So...we shall see. I miss him. Who he used to be. But if this is how he copes with change; how he copes with difficult times, then our future will always be riddled with him shutting down, shutting me out, and distancing himself and me left to hold our lives up and together and get us through. And honestly, I don't have the strength.
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Old 12-10-2018, 11:18 AM #9
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Default Re: I always put myself last...

It sounds as if this situation is draining for your energy. While your significant other is going through hard times, he might not be aware of how it is affecting you. It would not solve all your problems, of course, but perhaps if he was made to understand your perspective, he would help you through certains tasks. Perhaps some relatives would be willing to help you? It is good that heís trying to find work.

Please take care of yourself. Do what it takes for you to be okay.
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