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Default Dec 02, 2018 at 10:09 AM
  #1
Do you send (give) gifts and cards to people who never reciprocate? I send one brother gifts at Xmas but he never sends me any back. However, throughout the year he sends me little gifts...so I think it is a balance.

I send another brother and his wife Xmas cards and gifts and he has NEVER reciprocated so I am trying to take him off my list.

It doesn't seem healthy to have a one-way exchange and I am trying to change.

How about you? What do you think?

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Default Dec 02, 2018 at 11:38 AM
  #2
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Originally Posted by DechanDawa View Post
Do you send (give) gifts and cards to people who never reciprocate? I send one brother gifts at Xmas but he never sends me any back. However, throughout the year he sends me little gifts...so I think it is a balance.

I send another brother and his wife Xmas cards and gifts and he has NEVER reciprocated so I am trying to take him off my list.

It doesn't seem healthy to have a one-way exchange and I am trying to change.

How about you? What do you think?
It hurts, for sure. Does he give cards and gifts to others? My brother and his wife don't reciprocate. But me and my bro have a good relationship for the most part, albeit, a little distant. So I decided this year to send them a card, but not a gift. And be done with it. They have a daughter, whom I do send gifts to, regardless.

At the same time, giving is about giving. Not wanting something in return. But if it feels bad, don't do it. Giving, the entire thing, is supposed to feel good.
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Default Dec 02, 2018 at 11:44 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by KnitChick View Post
It hurts, for sure. Does he give cards and gifts to others? My brother and his wife don't reciprocate. But me and my bro have a good relationship for the most part, albeit, a little distant. So I decided this year to send them a card, but not a gift. And be done with it. They have a daughter, whom I do send gifts to, regardless.

At the same time, giving is about giving. Not wanting something in return. But if it feels bad, don't do it. Giving, the entire thing, is supposed to feel good.




My brother and his wife do give others gifts because I see them getting thanked on Facebook. Last year I sent them somewhat expensive gifts and didn't get thanked. IDK. It didn't feel good. I am not out to prove anything like I can give without needing anything in return. I am concerned, however, with what is healthy. I just started looking at this when I was realizing I was sending out but not getting back. Also, at this time I have financial problems.

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Default Dec 02, 2018 at 06:50 PM
  #4
I think it's more than ok to reevaluate where your finances stand as far as giving, especially when not reciprocated year after year at least with some form of gratitude. I mean if someone has fallen onto hard times I wouldn't hold it against them in such a way.
One thing I enjoy is giving trees when I can. That's when aside from age and gender and perhaps even a small wishlist item, a card can be pulled and wrapped and returned with just that tag of paper.
I don't fully monitor cards, per se, but may cut back after enough time passes, but for the most part it's mutual with my list that I exchange with.
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Default Dec 02, 2018 at 07:32 PM
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I think it's more than ok to reevaluate where your finances stand as far as giving, especially when not reciprocated year after year at least with some form of gratitude. I mean if someone has fallen onto hard times I wouldn't hold it against them in such a way.
One thing I enjoy is giving trees when I can. That's when aside from age and gender and perhaps even a small wishlist item, a card can be pulled and wrapped and returned with just that tag of paper.
I don't fully monitor cards, per se, but may cut back after enough time passes, but for the most part it's mutual with my list that I exchange with.




Thanks for this. I am having a difficult holiday season this year financially and otherwise so I think it would be okay for me to pull back. Other years if I am financially secure I will be generous and won't give it a thought. I can tell I am extra sensitive this year. I think I just need to apply self-care. Thanks, again.

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Default Dec 03, 2018 at 01:16 PM
  #6
I give gifts to people regardless of reciprocation. it's not a gift to me if it's got expectations tied to it and the gift of giving is just that, to me, giving. But then I don't expect others to have to give me anything nor feel that they are ever obligated during holidays or my birthday. If you're a friend that is someone I care for, I'll likely give you something at Christmas if I can.

Freeing yourself up from the obligation of doing what others do for you or expecting them to reciprocate materialistically is really one that lifts a weight off your shoulders, if you ask me.

When it comes to reciprocation, in general, that's a whole different ball of wax which I won't go into here. Keep in mind I'm merely talking about the gift giving thing alone.
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Default Dec 03, 2018 at 01:26 PM
  #7
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I give gifts to people regardless of reciprocation. it's not a gift to me if it's got expectations tied to it and the gift of giving is just that, to me, giving. But then I don't expect others to have to give me anything nor feel that they are ever obligated during holidays or my birthday. If you're a friend that is someone I care for, I'll likely give you something at Christmas if I can.

Freeing yourself up from the obligation of doing what others do for you or expecting them to reciprocate materialistically is really one that lifts a weight off your shoulders, if you ask me.

When it comes to reciprocation, in general, that's a whole different ball of wax which I won't go into here. Keep in mind I'm merely talking about the gift giving thing alone.








IDK. I think most people think in terms of a balance. I have one friend who I love dearly and I sometimes will send her gifts or cards for no reason. Often she will then send me cards and gifts. I would like to tell her, "Hun, you don't need to return gift me..." but, you know, she likes to keep everything perfectly balanced.

I think this is coming out of my having a very difficult year this year financially.

As well, the brother who never sends me gifts or cards is extremely wealthy...having married into extreme wealth. So it is weird for me to send them gifts when I am practically living at a poverty level. IDK. It just started to feel strange.


Some years I just like to even things up. Kind of tidy things up.

The one friend I mentioned, though, I am just very lavish with gifting her no matter what my situation is because she is my BFF -- and has been a lifelong, so very loyal and cherished friend. We have been friends since we were children and are more like sisters than friends.

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Default Dec 03, 2018 at 03:41 PM
  #8
I send gifts to people and they don't gift me back, but I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I want to give them a gift because I appreciate them, don't gift them so they gift me or it seems you're only giving to recieving instead of giving because you truely want to give. IMO once you start giving people stuff expecting something in return then you truely aren't doing it for the giving part anymore.

Just my opinion though. Also I like to write notes because cards are everywhere, a hand written note with your feelings is much better IMO.
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Default Dec 03, 2018 at 04:01 PM
  #9
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I send gifts to people and they don't gift me back, but I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I want to give them a gift because I appreciate them, don't gift them so they gift me or it seems you're only giving to recieving instead of giving because you truely want to give. IMO once you start giving people stuff expecting something in return then you truely aren't doing it for the giving part anymore.

Just my opinion though. Also I like to write notes because cards are everywhere, a hand written note with your feelings is much better IMO.




Okay, I have a different take on this. I feel if you give people stuff and they don't give you stuff - your so-called generosity - could be making them feel uncomfortable. Like you want something from them. Or they may feel they owe you something...and they don't want that.

When we give something we are sending a message. If we keep giving and it is not reciprocated...the other person might be sending a message. The message is that they are not partaking in an exchange. If they don't even thank you for the gift it seems like they are saying...they don't really want you to be gifting them.

I have thought this over in this thread. And from now on I am not going to send Xmas gifts or cards to people who do not do the same with me. I think they are sending a message that they don't want to connect on that level.

I will take that money and donate it to a good cause at Christmas like to a nature conservancy. Or an environmental group. Or buy food and donate it to a community food bank. In other words...give where it is really needed. And will be appreciated.

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Default Dec 03, 2018 at 04:14 PM
  #10
What about just a thank you card? write them what you appreciate about them. That could be considered a gift and using the money you save can be used as helping someone else in need at this time of year. One year my uncle brought a family that had nothing to his place for our thanksgiving dinner, or like you said for those other things.
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Default Dec 03, 2018 at 04:23 PM
  #11
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What about just a thank you card? write them what you appreciate about them. That could be considered a gift and using the money you save can be used as helping someone else in need at this time of year. One year my uncle brought a family that had nothing to his place for our thanksgiving dinner, or like you said for those other things.




Let's take the example of my one wealthy brother. He has never sent me a birthday card, a holiday card, or for that matter even a postcard. I send him a birthday card every year, holidays cards, gifts. So what I would really like to do is send him a note saying he is a self-centered jerk. Sigh. But that isn't me. He just had a minor operation and I sent him a get well card. But really I hope that's the end of it. Starting in the new year I am not sending him a darn thing.


Okay...let's take the example of another brother. I have a brother who does not have very much in the way of money and he is always sending me little gifts. Sometimes it is just something simple like a beautiful shell he found on the beach, or a funny postcard. So this brother deserves to be thanked...and I do it...often. He is a good artist and sometimes he will send me a little watercolor. He is so thoughtful. He is proof that even when you have very little in the way of material things...you can be generous. This brother has the heart of a king.


No more one way Xmas gifts and cards for me. I am so over it.

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Default Dec 03, 2018 at 04:36 PM
  #12
When I was young, the family used to visit at Christmas. We exchanged gifts and it was fun. (Yes, I am Jewish, long story...)

Then my aunt stopped visiting and didn’t want to exchange presents. The tradition stopped. My mom still did it, but it got much smaller. Only my family and the one sister who lived close usually came. We are talking about gifts that were more of a gesture than an expense.

The stopping of exchanging gifts started the ripple that led to the estrangement of the whole family. It would have been better to at least exchange some tiniest effort of cheer to feel connected to family.

Those grinches put the kabosh on the whole family relationship. It wasn’t about not being able to afford it. It was just being stingy with love.

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Default Dec 03, 2018 at 05:19 PM
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When I was young, the family used to visit at Christmas. We exchanged gifts and it was fun. (Yes, I am Jewish, long story...)

Then my aunt stopped visiting and didn’t want to exchange presents. The tradition stopped. My mom still did it, but it got much smaller. Only my family and the one sister who lived close usually came. We are talking about gifts that were more of a gesture than an expense.

The stopping of exchanging gifts started the ripple that led to the estrangement of the whole family. It would have been better to at least exchange some tiniest effort of cheer to feel connected to family.

Those grinches put the kabosh on the whole family relationship. It wasn’t about not being able to afford it. It was just being stingy with love.





The funny thing about my ex is that he used to get really neurotic and depressed at Christmas. I used to joke, "It's not your holiday, don't get bent out of shape." Actually we used to have a lot of fun during the holidays. I would decorate one side of the livingroom in Hanukkah stuff to take pictures for one set of parents. Then the other side in Christmas for the other set of parents.

Yes, I do get your point totally. In my family Thanksgiving was the holiday that completely got ruined. When the entire family got together including six children and four of them insanely wild boys...the roof would just explode. We finally had to abandon Thanksgiving. (Too much booze I think was the culprit)


By the way the Holidays without Church thread got closed. I kind of figured it was heading in that direction.

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Default Dec 03, 2018 at 08:03 PM
  #14
Yes. It’s really about several different issues. There is religion (which we won’t get into specifics about here), then there is the gifts and relationships.

It’s more control issues that continue into the holidays and throughout the whole year.

For you to be financially insecure this year, yet make a donation to charity is very lovely and says very much positive about your character.

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Default Dec 03, 2018 at 08:37 PM
  #15
It can very much be about relationships and maintaining a connection. I know that I keep backup gifts in my home, as it is a concept handed down generationally about reciprocation of sorts. It a gesture of saying "you matter".
This thread is as much about the relationship with your brother, in my eyes than giving with expectations.
Diverting whatever it is that you could have budgeted towards a charity is a statement as much as anything and yeah, charity feels good. And can even be anonymous.
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Default Dec 03, 2018 at 10:25 PM
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Yes. It’s really about several different issues. There is religion (which we won’t get into specifics about here), then there is the gifts and relationships.

It’s more control issues that continue into the holidays and throughout the whole year.

For you to be financially insecure this year, yet make a donation to charity is very lovely and says very much positive about your character.





Thanks. I am thinking that for me this year generosity of spirit is important....because I have been fairly self-centered - focused on all my problems. I think I will make a donation. It can be small. The Buddhists have a practice (oops, religion!) where you pick up something with your right hand and then drop it into your left hand... a practice in giving -- from one hand to another - to develop a sense of generosity.

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Default Dec 04, 2018 at 04:19 PM
  #17
Most of my family was on the Naughty list.
I sent gifts to the few on the Nice list.
Stupid Facebook made rudeness even worse. Now my ‘friends’ do a general post of “Happy (Whatever)” and if I don’t go on facebook, I don’t see it. Like they think they are the Kardashians or something with a following of fans. You either follow them or you are out. They don’t even reach out to me with an email or text. Phooey!

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Default Dec 04, 2018 at 04:28 PM
  #18
My extended family does not exchange gifts - but we do get together for a wonderful holiday. There are a lot of traditions in my extended family so we don't get caught up in which religion we should be observing. Instead we gather together to celebrate family.

I have had my nose out of joint in years past when my children have chosen to spend the holiday with their father (and even some years with their step father). I just won't rant about that again. I will take whatever I will get of their time and not waste valuable energy on it.

I do want to comment though on the giving of greeting cards. I was raised on this. I was also raised on writing thank you notes. Both now seem lost arts - and it is a shame. I chalk this up to yet another failure to teach our children etiquette. Again, a real shame.

There was a time when I sent out dozens. Last year I reduced it again - each with a lovely personalised hand written note - to about a dozen. I got only one in return. All it had was my name on it.

I know that most out there will entirely disagree with me but I feel I must comment on what has become the replacement - the block email greeting. Just don't send me one. They are crass, totally impersonal, and (sorry) lazy. I have thought if you can't be bothered to write me a personal greeting then don't bother at all.

also cringe worthy? The lengthy family diary full of far too much personal information.
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Default Dec 04, 2018 at 06:57 PM
  #19
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Most of my family was on the Naughty list.
I sent gifts to the few on the Nice list.
Stupid Facebook made rudeness even worse. Now my ‘friends’ do a general post of “Happy (Whatever)” and if I don’t go on facebook, I don’t see it. Like they think they are the Kardashians or something with a following of fans. You either follow them or you are out. They don’t even reach out to me with an email or text. Phooey!





Haha, the Kardashians, that's so funny. A new word for uncontrolled narcissism.

It is actually scary. I absolutely agree with you about people acting like they have a fan base on FB. It used to be funny but now it is just wearying.


I had a high school chum send me a friend request. She did send a message, something like catching up after 40 years. (Truth be told she kind of irritated me in high school and we weren't super close although we hung out together.) When I checked her Facebook account she had over 2,500 friends. Kardashianism strikes! I declined the request.


I can barely stay afloat in the present...I don't have the energy to do life reviews with distant former high school chums. Someone posted a recent photo of my high school sweetheart on FB. In high school he was gorgeous. Like rock star gorgeous. I won't describe the photo on FB but it kind of traumatized me! It's like FB ruined my innocent memories. FB is psychologically damaging. I stay off of it.


You are not alone. You have had some awful people and traumatizing family situations in your life. I think spending time with you would be fun. You are such an elegant witty lady. You see things as they are and you are refreshingly honest. Happy New Year and may 2019 bring you some positive light and love.

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Default Dec 04, 2018 at 07:25 PM
  #20
I send some gifts to two friends who don't reciprocate, but that's okay. I do send a few cards to some people who don't send me one, but not too many. I've noticed card sending is not as popular any more, but I still like to send them. For some people, cards back are the only time I hear from them all year!
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