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Default Dec 10, 2018 at 05:22 PM
  #1
So my brothers mil is working with me on some questions. She teaches couples communication class. I thought I shared here and give you an opportunity to share.

What does it mean to me when I say I’m in a relationship?
It means I’m with that person , committed, devoted, constant, connected.

When I say intimate what does that mean to me?
It means close, caring, physical closeness, committed, permanent, daily, constant, emotional safety, connected, respectful, honest, genuine, warm and sincere. Heartfelt, earnest.

Writing this is making me I’m healthy and I know what healthy is. Intermittent reinforcement is very dangerous and destructive. Also being able to take space without being abandoned for doing so . That was probably my biggest problem in my relationship. I wasn’t allowed to take space without being threatened with abandonment. I think it’s fine if you need to take space if it’s a negotiation . Sometimes therapeutic separation is necessary. and communication is key. No threats of abandonment. If you know you’re in it, you’re in it, no “shape up or I’m out”. It’s take the time you’ll need, I’ll be right here when you get back. That’s what I need to hear! It takes two to build the relationship. I have no hope now.
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Heart Dec 11, 2018 at 01:40 PM
  #2
My hope is that, in some way, you will be able to discover new hope to replace the hope you once had.
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 01:42 PM
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My hope is that, in some way, you will be able to discover new hope to replace the hope you once had.


I’m not hopeless but I’m grieving and lost without my fiancé. He’s been incommunicado for 29 days now. I’m dying inside.
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 02:25 PM
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I'm so sorry you're struggling, leomama Are you still with this person? If you are, hopefully you can talk to him about this and start building a better relationship. Otherwise you can just leave him and start a new one. If you aren't, then I guess you just need to move on. Please don't give up hope though: you can still find the right person for you. It may take a while, but it is possible. You can do it! In the meantime keep working on yourself. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 02:26 PM
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You have good ideals. I think it's going to hurt for now, but you'll be ok. Keep reaching out
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 02:41 PM
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I'm so sorry you're struggling, leomama Are you still with this person? If you are, hopefully you can talk to him about this and start building a better relationship. Otherwise you can just leave him and start a new one. If you aren't, then I guess you just need to move on. Please don't give up hope though: you can still find the right person for you. It may take a while, but it is possible. You can do it! In the meantime keep working on yourself. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this


I’m estranged from him and he’s my fiancé. He has gone off the radar for 29 days his phone is off, no social media, no reply to my emails, no word from his friends or family.
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 07:21 PM
  #7
it’s important for me to have my space to pursue my hobbies and spend time with friends. I don’t believe in being attached to the hip. I need ton of space do my own things.

At the same time I don’t believe in separation in commited relationship. When you are engaged or married, it’s unreasonable to separate and expect other person still be there imho. Having space to do things and pausing a relationship isn’t the same thing

If my husband wanted to separate and expected me to be right there when he comes back, I’d laugh. I do not sit around waiting. People are either ready or not ready for a relationship. If they aren’t ready, I am moving on.

Your guy took three years to get divorced. Sorry too long. Did he expect you to still be there after not seeing you for three years. Did he assume you’d be sitting around not dating waiting for three years? He is unrealistic. Unless he is in the war zone/combat, no one is going to wait for him

If he went no contact for a month, I’d consider engagement is over and I am free . I think ideas of commited and connected and intimate relationship is perfect. But then when you have that, you wouldn’t want or need separation and certainly non one would play games. The fact that 3 years of separation needed and he wouldn’t even see after all those years of you waiting does indicate issues and lack of commitment.

Your idea of a healthy relationship is very good and realistic. But it’s not going to be with this man. You have to find the right one for that (eventually)
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 07:31 PM
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it’s important for me to have my space to pursue my hobbies and spend time with friends. I don’t believe in being attached to the hip. I need ton of space do my own things.

At the same time I don’t believe in separation in commited relationship. When you are engaged or married, it’s unreasonable to separate and expect other person still be there imho. Having space to do things and pausing a relationship isn’t the same thing

If my husband wanted to separate and expected me to be right there when he comes back, I’d laugh. I do not sit around waiting. People are either ready or not ready for a relationship. If they aren’t ready, I am moving on.

Your guy took three years to get divorced. Sorry too long. Did he expect you to still be there after not seeing you for three years. Did he assume you’d be sitting around not dating waiting for three years? He is unrealistic. Unless he is in the war zone/combat, no one is going to wait for him

If he went no contact for a month, I’d consider engagement is over and I am free . I think ideas of commited and connected and intimate relationship is perfect. But then when you have that, you wouldn’t want or need separation and certainly non one would play games. The fact that 3 years of separation needed and he wouldn’t even see after all those years of you waiting does indicate issues and lack of commitment.

Your idea of a healthy relationship is very good and realistic. But it’s not going to be with this man. You have to find the right one for that (eventually)
It took him five years to get divorced. We had a 3 year long distance relationship while he was married and then when I found out he hadn't filed for divorce I ended it until he got divorced. He on the other hand broke up with me one month before his divorce was final, that was last year. I have seen him just once this year and that was when he came over after I called him hysterical because my friend and seen him out in public with a woman. He claims that one woman was one of his clients, he's a peer counselor. I know he is not committed to me. He said he broke up with me in November 2017. I don't know why he told me he loves me and to fix it last month. Tomorrow will be 30 days of no contact from him, and no action on facebook either. I can not believe how harsh his aunt was towards me. I also can not believe his cousin ignored me although his father told me she only talks to people who are right in front of her.
I also don't know why he left up at least three social media sites dedicated to our relationship. He has not deleted any of those accounts. He claims he is not with anyone. He is known to do these disappearing acts, but he's never disappeared from me.
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 07:58 PM
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Sorry for the pain you are enduring, it sounds stressful, but this guy is bad news. It doesn’t matter why he does these things. He isn’t serious relationship material. Plus he ended it a year ago so him saying this or that is irrelevant as it was over. Mail him his ring back and be done
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 08:00 PM
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Sorry for the pain you are enduring, it sounds stressful, but this guy is bad news. It doesn’t matter why he does these things. He isn’t serious relationship material.


We were in a serious relationship for 3 years. You mean now?
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 08:01 PM
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We were in a serious relationship for 3 years. You mean now?
He has never been good relationship material. Even when you were in a relationship, he was lying, plus he was married and then there was always an issue of him not coming to see you etc He just isn’t “the one”
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 08:31 PM
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He has never been good relationship material. Even when you were in a relationship, he was lying, plus he was married and then there was always an issue of him not coming to see you etc He just isn’t “the one”


I don’t believe in the one. I’m in love with him. However as I’m getting healthier and stronger I will stop trying to contact him.
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 09:55 PM
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I don’t believe in the one. I’m in love with him. However as I’m getting healthier and stronger I will stop trying to contact him.
Good for you!!!! Stay strong
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 10:06 PM
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Good for you!!!! Stay strong
Not there yet. Writing to him helps me think. I told him that if he does not want me to be with me, ok, but can we at least end this in a peaceful manner? I feel like the skin was ripped off my torso and I'm just bleeding out. Of course I am going to have to heal myself, self sooth, parent my inner child.
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