He's Nice, But I'm Not Attracted to Him

So I've known this guy for... at least six years. In fact, we know each others' exes. We never really connected...were always just acquaintances. I ran into him about two years ago, and ended up giving him my number for business reasons. Needless to say, he TRIED to ask me out and I consistently said no. I've never found him attractive.

Well, he finally wore me down (being single for two years can do that to a gal) and I decided a lunch couldn't hurt, so I went out with him. I'm sorry... there was just NOTHING there. The conversation seem strained. I didn't have that urge to hang around (like I do on a date with someone I connect with). It was... painful.

...and the thing is, he's not completely unfortunate looking...just not MY type. He's successful, physically fit...seemingly good on paper...

Of course, my well-meaning "wed and bred" friends keep giving me the speech about being more open and giving people a chance, but you can't FAKE attraction.

They think I should go out with him again, but I don't want to. I'm sick of TRYING to make something work. I'm OK if I stay single a little longer. Is something wrong with me?

I'm sorry you're struggling, ZenZeta I don't think there's anything wrong with you. It's perfectly normal not to be attracted to someone. I don't think you have any obligation to continue dating if you're not attracted. Especially since that attraction you're speaking of is not only physical... Just do what you want to do.

I'm not going to argue against your thinking here, and although attraction isn't everything it is quite up there on the list of priorities. if attraction is mild, it can be ok if the other aspects are there but if there is none, it's hard to overcome that fact.

Besides the fact if there were other offsetting factors this post would have been different, in that you would not be talking about how he's "good on paper" and blah blah but talking about how wonderful he is. He just seems to be a person in your view is neither overly wonderful or attractive.

Just not your type. the last reason you want to cave to going out is due to pressure. just do what you think is right. Not what they, your friends, and he think

No, nothing wrong with you! We all have our "types" we are attracted to, and if he doesn't "turn your crank," then so be it.

Hello ZenZeta, you might not be interested in him, but maybe you have some interests in common so you could be friends. For instance, you might enjoy museums or city festivals. You can go together as friends, not as a date. However, it is up to you whether you want to deepen your friendship or not.

It’s kinder to both yourself and him to not try to force something that isn’t there. I just ended a six-month relationship with someone who was wonderful... but just not for me. Everyone kept telling me that the attraction would come— that I just had to give it time— that I would eventually “feel it” because she treated me so well, she was smart, she was pretty, etc. No matter how great someone is, if there is no chemistry, it just won’t work. It feels much worse breaking up with someone 6 months in— just don’t go there if you aren’t interested. Otherwise you will be miserable and you will end up hurting the other person.

No, there is nothing "wrong" with you...merciful heavens. If you don't connect you don't connect. Take time and wait for the right one. Don't be like me, and just give up and marry "whoever". (Not REALLY, but you know what I mean).

It doesn't seem like you are attracted him not just physically but also emotionally. If nothing seems to "click" in your conversation with him and if it has to be forced, then you two are probably not a good match.

Don't force it. If the attraction's not there, let it go. On the other hand, attraction isn't always a good thing, it could end you up hurt, but if you're not wanting to be in a relationship enough to give a boring person a go, let it go.

I see no point to date or be friends with people with whom conversations are strained. What for?

UPDATE: I decided not to throw in the towel QUITE so early in the situation, especially hearing stories from my "coupled up" friends about how they weren't initially attracted to their SO's at first.

I decided to have a few more (strained) phone conversations and was even considering a second date until our phone conversation last night...

I had noticed that I almost had to PULL information from this guy. It felt more like an interview. I would ask a question. He would answer, but he wouldn't really ask a question in return (an indication that he may not be interested in ME as a person).

I even asked him, "Is there anything you want to know about me?" His response: "I'm sure we'll get to that as we spend more time together".

I started noticing that he knew all of the right things to say at the right times. Everything just FELT like a line. I didn't sense authenticity, but I shrugged it off as me being super defensive.

Then the wolf showed his teeth. He asked me what I was doing for New Years, and I told him I didn't have any plans. He responds "Why don't we get away? I'd love to take you to Vegas..."



I responded, "It's a little early for me to accept invitations to overnight trips. Let's just stick to dinner for now..."

This is when he proceeded to tell me, "I know you're scared and you're not used to having a mature man in your life that can treat you like the queen you are... blah, blah, blah..."

I said, "That's not it. I just need to get to know someone before I take overnight trips with them. I'm not ready for that"

This opened the flood gates. He said "I'd always wondered why a woman as attractive as you was single, and now I know why. Mature men don't have time to chase you indefinitely or adhere to some list of rules...doesn't matter anyway. You weren't the only one on my potential list of invitees. I'll spend my money on someone who's ready to be spoiled... Good luck in Spinsterhood..." CLICK.



BULLET. DODGED.

Absolutely. If that's what he said after what you said, absolutely bullet dodged. He sounds pushy and weird. That's a really weird response. Rest easy knowing you dodged a big bullet here ZenZeta.

Wow! That’s why I don’t date. That and my heart is occupied territory .

in contrast to your title "he's nice.." Uhhh apparently he's not. Sounds to me that if the conversation was strained in the beginning and the date was not great as you stated, that he seemed to be forcing it too. Idk it's just speculation but he sounds like how he mentioned you being attractive and being single... but doesn't seem interested in respecting your values that he was probably after one thing.

and I'm with you, even as a guy, I'm asking myself, "who asks someone to travel and spend the night in Las Vegas after one date ?"

Hi ZenZeta,

I wonder whether you are attracted to your ex because he is "exciting." I got involved with a man who was exciting, and that relationship did not work out. Maybe you are not used to going out with a nice guy. Don't force your attraction to him, but I don't see why you could not be friends. Sometimes a friendship grows into a relationship.

He isn’t nice at all

As a man who recently had to come face to face with the love of his life betraying him; I must tell you, please, be kind to the guy. If you're not into him then let him know and switch off this trail because it would burn both of you in the end.

Listen to your own gut feel about someone not what others tell you to do. You know more than they do.

No decent guy would ask yiu out on an overnight trip that soln after dating. Let him spend his money on easy women. You don't need a guy like that in your life.

What a jerk. A "mature" man would understand that you have more self worth than to move too quickly. But...don't get me started on men, we will be here all night.

The whole let's take an overnight to vegas thing was red flag enough for me. On top of being closed off in the description of feeling like you were pulling teeth in one phone conversation. His vice was placed front and center on the table, no doubt.