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Old 12-18-2018, 04:05 AM #21
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Default Re: Was I Insecure Here?

Thank you all! This a useful thread for me. I'm a usually strong communicator but the more that I get close up with someone... I seem to forget those skills completely and just go along with things. Those skills fall overboard into oceans of insecurity. I love what people have said about discussing whether a relationship is going to be exclusive when it gets to the point of being serious. I love the mix of experienced people saying, "well of course" and of empathetic people saying "it's understandable".

I like what someone said about social media and relationship-hopping because this is an issue for me even in the everyday of my life, and... even with friends, it should be possible to ask a question about why someone arranges to spend time with me and at the same moment is constantly texting someone else.


Yes, I can take responsibility for clarifying with other people without it becoming adversarial and blaming. I need to re-read this thread.


It's hard work to relate in a way that is comfortable, especially when as someone pointed out "we are all learning"... it can provoke oceans of confusion and insecurity... and blame.


THANK YOU FOR THE XMAS GIFT OF THIS THOUGHTFUL THREAD.
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Old 12-18-2018, 04:12 AM #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaroonAbalone View Post
I don't think that kind of interaction is normal either, even if there are some people who can tolerate that, and then I remembered that I'm me, and just because my friend, who told me I had nothing to worry about, thought it was alright doesn't mean I should have to accept that. Also, I was thinking about this last night, and I found it ironic because despite learning over the years not to go after the girl, my instinct was to go after my friend. If this kind of thing happens a second time, I told myself I'd stop and think and talk to it about to my guy (hopefully it doesn't happen again, though). Thank you for sharing your input, it gave me a clear idea on what I need to prepare for in the future ^^
I really like this, thank you!
makes me feel good to hear you affirming who you are, and seeing how to talk to your man about how you feel!
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Old 12-18-2018, 04:17 AM #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leomama View Post
I would have been like , I thought we had something exclusive going on. You have to define that stuff up front. I would be devastated if I found out someone I was into wasn’t serious about me.
Yes, I would feel devasted too. Thanks for reminding us about the depth of feelings that happen in new/ first relationships!!!
Relationships are about having my feelings respected by me and by others, even if a proportion of that feeling comes from previous hurts and insecurity. Not controlling others, but HAVING THE DEPTH OF MY FEELINGS RESPECTED.


When reading my above statement in caps, something inside me jams up... because my childhood conditioning was extreme disrespect. I can write that and yet still not feel it deep inside and down to my boots!


It's easy for outsiders to disrespect the depth of feeling in first relationships... until you are the one experiencing that depth of feeling...
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Old 12-18-2018, 04:28 AM #24
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Yes, I would feel devasted too. Thanks for reminding us about the depth of feelings that happen in new/ first relationships!!!

Relationships are about having my feelings respected by me and by others, even if a proportion of that feeling comes from previous hurts and insecurity. Not controlling others, but HAVING THE DEPTH OF MY FEELINGS RESPECTED.





When reading my above statement in caps, something inside me jams up... because my childhood conditioning was extreme disrespect. I can write that and yet still not feel it deep inside and down to my boots!





It's easy for outsiders to disrespect the depth of feeling in first relationships... until you are the one experiencing that depth of feeling...


First relationships? I say relationship in general. Have you seen the movie suspiria or heard of the artist tom Yorke?
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Old 12-18-2018, 04:29 AM #25
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Default Re: Was I Insecure Here?

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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Given that this has been your first relationship, that means you are going to be learning and when it comes to relationships each person we have a relationship with is going to have their own way of interacting and a lot of times others are actually learning too. In all honesty, if I had a boyfriend and introduced him to a friend of mine and then this friend began to constantly interact with him in the manner you shared, I would begin to question this friends ability to respect MY boundaries. This friend of yours is showing that she doesn't "know" that her constantly interacting with your new boyfriend was getting intrusive. I think that all this new technology we have has presented some new challenges when it comes to respecting boundaries. This is especially true for younger individuals who tend to spend a lot of time interacting with texting and posting on facebook. The younger population has been gradually exposed to thinking it's ok to interact and collect friends with all this new technology and because others can see how much they interact with certain individuals, it's easier to see that it may be too excessive where the friend isn't recognizing that because they tend to be drawn to anyone that engages them.

If what this friend did was intrusive to you, given that she is your friend you should tell her that when you have a boyfriend you would prefer she limit her interactions with YOUR boyfriend interest. And you can also let whatever boyfriend know that you don't want to isolate him but it does bother you when you are engaging in a relationship with him and he ends up constantly chatting it up with a friend of yours as though his relationship is more with your friend than you.

If this friend of yours engages in ways that bother you then the next time don't introduce her to the guy you would rather have some privacy with while you interact with him to see if he is a good match for you.
OUF YES!!! phew, thank you for the clarity.
Sorry everyone for my over-enthusiastic quoting on this thread. I won't make a habit of it, I am just excited by the helpful wisdom found here.
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Old 12-18-2018, 06:06 AM #26
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Default Re: Was I Insecure Here?

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Originally Posted by saidso View Post
Yes, I would feel devasted too. Thanks for reminding us about the depth of feelings that happen in new/ first relationships!!!
Relationships are about having my feelings respected by me and by others, even if a proportion of that feeling comes from previous hurts and insecurity. Not controlling others, but HAVING THE DEPTH OF MY FEELINGS RESPECTED.


When reading my above statement in caps, something inside me jams up... because my childhood conditioning was extreme disrespect. I can write that and yet still not feel it deep inside and down to my boots!


It's easy for outsiders to disrespect the depth of feeling in first relationships... until you are the one experiencing that depth of feeling...
Do you think depth of feelings in a first relationship is different than depth in relationship later in life etc? You keep mentioning depth of feelings in first relationship. Is it oppose to second or third relationship? I very much beg to differ. In fact older we get deeper we are able to feel due to life experiences
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Old 12-18-2018, 10:09 AM #27
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Do you think depth of feelings in a first relationship is different than depth in relationship later in life etc? You keep mentioning depth of feelings in first relationship. Is it oppose to second or third relationship? I very much beg to differ. In fact older we get deeper we are able to feel due to life experiences
I was reflecting on what MaroonAbalone said about her friend acting surprised when MA explained to her how she felt about the intrusion. A friend might act surprised if she hasn't been in a serious relationship yet herself. That's all.
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Old 12-28-2018, 05:50 AM #28
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Default Re: Was I Insecure Here?

I am not insecure in the least. I met my husband when i was 18 and it was love at first site. We have been together 23 years so far. Got married while in college, we have never felt threatened by each other's friends. EVEN I would have had an issue with him talking to my friend all day long. Her not getting it is another separate issue but as for him you have every right to explain that it bothers you. Be prepared that he may not change but you are allowed to be bothered by it.
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