I have a residential worker who I have been struggling with in communication lately. It seems she struggles with some things too, including communication, and she rubs me the wrong way at times.

Here is the current issue at hand: she is often late. She was 17 minutes late to our meeting today. We'd planned to meet at a coffee shop. She did call me twice, I saw, when I'd gotten to the coffee shop. She said she would be a few minutes late. I'm glad I brought a book.

I do not like when people are this late. Even 10 minutes late in my opinion, is rude and disrespectful of my time. Especially if it keeps happening. She's been over 15 minutes before. It grinds my gears!

So when she got there, I was visibly upset. She did not apologize. She just went right into "So HOW ARE YOU?" I said "Fine." She was like "That's GREAT!" It was clear I wasn't fine. I ended up just saying something. I said "what happened?" She said "didn't you get my messages?" She sounded annoyed. I said "yes, but you're really late." She said, annoyed, "well I was with another participant, it went over, and this was across town. We ask for a certain amt. of flexibility here in this program." That is not my problem though, and so then I was annoyed. I said "You sound defensive." She then seemed to cave completely and her affect completely changed and she was like "No, no. I am not being defensive." She looked like she was going to cry. Then I felt bad for her and was like "no no it's ok don't feel bad." Ugh.

I was struggling with some other things with her, and we worked those out. She showed me her autism ribbon pin, and I was like "oh that's really nice." She hasn't come out and said it, but I think she may have autism of some sort. She then, what seemed to me, out of the blue, said, "please don't be upset when I am late." She was trying to explain, but I don't remember what she said. All I remember, is feeling awful for feeling angry with her.

So I ended up apologizing a bunch of times, which In reflection, I don't think I needed to do. I am coming to realize, that I experience anger at times. And when I feel better, and the situation is better, I feel guilty for ever having been angry. Does that make sense? I am not cruel while being angry, I am not physically or emotionally abusive. Though to be honest, as a younger person, I was abusive to my family. We were all abusive with our anger (we'd yell, and say mean things, and throw things even at times).

I'm just trying to figure out where my guilt for being angry comes from. And I'm also wanting to make sure that being angry is OK in the instance of someone being 17 minutes late. We talked it out but it just didn't feel like I had any control over this issue while talking it out. I wasn't expecting her to act the way she acted.

She did call me. But she said she'd be a few minutes late. 17 minutes to me is not a few minutes. Perhaps I can tell her that if she is going to be that late, then to please tell me that. Or to cancel instead of making me wait that long.

I know it's not like she was 30 minutes late. It still bothers me though. She never even apologized.

[sarahsweets]

I dont have the answers to whether or not you should or shouldnt feel guilty but I hate lateness. I hate being late myself and am always early to everything. I know stuff happens but if it happens regularly I start to wonder.

[Bill3]

What happened at home growing up if you got angry?

Perhaps next time when she calls to say she will be “a few minutes” late ask her how many minutes, so you can plan accordingly.

[lizardlady]

I'm a bit confused. Are you this person's boss? You said she was "with another participant". Does your work involve home visits with clients? I understand feeling resentment about someone else wasting your (my) time, but there are some jobs that interfere with being somewhere at a precise time.

I have a job that entails seeing clients in various locations. I find it almost impossible to keep a precise schedule under those circumstances. I tell people I will be at their location within a 30 minute window ( 15 minutes before/after) of the appointment time. If one appointment runs long, I could be late. If traffic is bad, I could be late. There are many things outside my control that can impact my arrival.

Maybe the next time you need to schedule an appointment with this person you could arrange to meet at your office first thing in the morning, before she starts seeing clients? It would also be a good idea to schedule a meeting to address her timeliness when you are not already upset about it. If it is a lack of planning/organization on her part, does your employer offer any kind of time management training?

Lizard Lady, she is a residential worker meaning I am in a program and she is a professional there to "help" me. We just happened to be meeting out in the community at a coffee shop.

So I spoke with someone about this and it's not an issue for me anymore. Thanks

[Molinit]

If she is autistic, then she likely has executive function problems and may be chronically late to appointments due to that.

Either understand it or request another worker. I'm sure people work around your challenges and you can work around this one if you want to.

Originally Posted by Molinit

If she is autistic, then she likely has executive function problems and may be chronically late to appointments due to that.

Either understand it or request another worker. I'm sure people work around your challenges and you can work around this one if you want to.

Like I said in my last post, I already got help for this problem.

Originally Posted by Bill3

What happened at home growing up if you got angry?

Perhaps next time when she calls to say she will be “a few minutes” late ask her how many minutes, so you can plan accordingly.

I agree.

I'm not really sure why you're asking that question though, Bill, or what you mean by it.

The main thing was, I was trying to understand if it was ok to feel angry with her for #1, being late (she does it a lot) and #2, being angry with her response toward me. I believe it was ok. I was confused. But I believe that I was direct with her, and she was passive and angry with me as we'll for being direct. It also may have been a misunderstanding. She may have felt calling was enough. It wasn't. But I get it. Also my anger subsided pretty quickly and I do not feel I was inappropriate.

I am having this thread closed. It is not helping me and I already feel resolved about it.