[LiteraryLark]

I am terrible with communication, and I don't know how to improve. The other day I really upset my mom. I told her very tactlessly that her food was making me sick, and I said that because we have been eating a lot of rich food and it would upset my stomach, but I said it very tactlessly, and she told me that "You seem to find every way to bring me down and ruin every joy in my life" and she went on to say cooking is her biggest joy and motivation to keep her going since moving here as she hasn't cooked in over a year, and for me to say so tactlessly, "Your food is making me sick" crushed her spirits. I cried because I realized that I had hurt her feelings. On a side note to my other thread, she said for me to make my own meals or to become a vegetarian didn't bother her, it was the way I so rudely and tactlessly addressed the concern because I came off as "hating her cooking" after how hard she worked to make meals everyone enjoys. She told me I need to be more honest and upfront about how I feel, but I don't know how to do that. How do I be honest and tactful in expressing how I feel?

[ArtleyWilkins]

Think before you speak. How will your words be taken? Tact is about using the right words in the right moment for the right purpose, and tact takes forethought and control. Tact is a conscious decision about your word choice. It takes work, and a willingness to slow down and think before you speak.

[Ylba]

Use "I" statements so the other person doesn't feel like you're attacking them. Instead of saying your mom's cooking was making you sick you could have told her that eating such rich food is causing problems for you.

Maybe you can say,

"This food is so delicious. I wish I could take in more, but my stomach is not agreeing with me right now. I will take the rest to go so I can enjoy it again tomorrow and think of you. Can I borrow a Tupperware?"

[Gorgias]

May I suggest in such situations to try and avoid personal pronouns where this might be an issue. Instead try to speak more to the situation and events that are happening. Something more along the lines of "I am having problems with my stomach/diet/GI tract. I think it may be the food I am eating, it seems too rich and may be making me sick."

I have often encountered this, (feeling like your Mom) in some of my work history, especially with problem resolution/root cause analysis. It's too easy to resort to speaking in personal terms of "you" and "they". It can be interpreted as accusatory and people take it personally even though that is not how it is intended.

It takes some practice and work, but I am sure you can master it! Like my father used to say: "It's not what you say, but how you say it." And as a corollary, I've added "and sometimes it is how it is heard." Not much you can do about that one.

[MickeyCheeky]

Avoid making it too personal for the other person, so they won't feel hurt, LiteraryLark. Just refer to yourself if there's an issue. Also if you have the slightest doubt about something you're going to say, just think of the most correct and polite way of saying it in your opinion. Most importantly, if you DO end up saying something inappropriate, you can always apologize and clarify later! Also remember that you're not completely responsable for other people's feelings. You could be very kind and tactful, but someone may still feel hurt. I think it's important to remember that. Sending many hugs to you

[Quarter life]

Maybe you could simply say...'Just a small serving for me thanks Mom' or... 'I'm trying to eat light and clean, as I have been feeling weighed down...or backed up. This way she may be a bit more discerning about what she is serving for meals. A nice idea would be to offer to cook once per week for your family. Who knows, maybe your Mom might enjoy the foods you prefer...and hence take your lead.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

I am terrible with communication, and I don't know how to improve. The other day I really upset my mom. I told her very tactlessly that her food was making me sick, and I said that because we have been eating a lot of rich food and it would upset my stomach, but I said it very tactlessly, and she told me that "You seem to find every way to bring me down and ruin every joy in my life" and she went on to say cooking is her biggest joy and motivation to keep her going since moving here as she hasn't cooked in over a year, and for me to say so tactlessly, "Your food is making me sick" crushed her spirits. I cried because I realized that I had hurt her feelings. On a side note to my other thread, she said for me to make my own meals or to become a vegetarian didn't bother her, it was the way I so rudely and tactlessly addressed the concern because I came off as "hating her cooking" after how hard she worked to make meals everyone enjoys. She told me I need to be more honest and upfront about how I feel, but I don't know how to do that. How do I be honest and tactful in expressing how I feel?

First off, to the point of how you say things, it would have been good to point out the fact that it wasn't "her" food that was making you sick but as you said so clearly here, but the richness of it. I mean just clarifying that the amount of rich food lately has been doing this, might cut the sharpness of the criticism a bit. but that being said..

I get the feeling that (IIRC other posts you've made have been similar) you're criticized a lot about hurting your mom's feelings by how you speak or behave and this is just yet another way that your mother can make you feel terrible. I may be reaching here but I'm going to venture a guess that part of your "difficulty" with communication comes from the very person that accuses you of being tactless and/or hurtful and in a consistent manner.

In summary part of this is, yes, being more tactful, but I want to relieve you of some of the guilt you may feel, because I am pretty sure that her response was used as a way to manipulate you.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

Think before you speak. How will your words be taken? Tact is about using the right words in the right moment for the right purpose, and tact takes forethought and control. Tact is a conscious decision about your word choice. It takes work, and a willingness to slow down and think before you speak.

Thank you, I was afraid to say what I wanted to say to my mom because I felt even if I was tactful she'd be upset, and instead I used poor choice of words.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Ylba

Use "I" statements so the other person doesn't feel like you're attacking them. Instead of saying your mom's cooking was making you sick you could have told her that eating such rich food is causing problems for you.

Thank you, it was a hard topic to discuss.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by ennie

Maybe you can say,

"This food is so delicious. I wish I could take in more, but my stomach is not agreeing with me right now. I will take the rest to go so I can enjoy it again tomorrow and think of you. Can I borrow a Tupperware?"

If only it was so easy!

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Gorgias

May I suggest in such situations to try and avoid personal pronouns where this might be an issue. Instead try to speak more to the situation and events that are happening. Something more along the lines of "I am having problems with my stomach/diet/GI tract. I think it may be the food I am eating, it seems too rich and may be making me sick."

I have often encountered this, (feeling like your Mom) in some of my work history, especially with problem resolution/root cause analysis. It's too easy to resort to speaking in personal terms of "you" and "they". It can be interpreted as accusatory and people take it personally even though that is not how it is intended.

It takes some practice and work, but I am sure you can master it! Like my father used to say: "It's not what you say, but how you say it." And as a corollary, I've added "and sometimes it is how it is heard." Not much you can do about that one.

I wish I knew how to work on that! My mom can be very difficult to talk to.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Avoid making it too personal for the other person, so they won't feel hurt, LiteraryLark. Just refer to yourself if there's an issue. Also if you have the slightest doubt about something you're going to say, just think of the most correct and polite way of saying it in your opinion. Most importantly, if you DO end up saying something inappropriate, you can always apologize and clarify later! Also remember that you're not completely responsable for other people's feelings. You could be very kind and tactful, but someone may still feel hurt. I think it's important to remember that. Sending many hugs to you

Thank you, you are always so kind Mickey.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Quarter life

Maybe you could simply say...'Just a small serving for me thanks Mom' or... 'I'm trying to eat light and clean, as I have been feeling weighed down...or backed up. This way she may be a bit more discerning about what she is serving for meals. A nice idea would be to offer to cook once per week for your family. Who knows, maybe your Mom might enjoy the foods you prefer...and hence take your lead.

I agreed to pay for my own groceries from now on, and she seemed very happy about that.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

First off, to the point of how you say things, it would have been good to point out the fact that it wasn't "her" food that was making you sick but as you said so clearly here, but the richness of it. I mean just clarifying that the amount of rich food lately has been doing this, might cut the sharpness of the criticism a bit. but that being said..

I get the feeling that (IIRC other posts you've made have been similar) you're criticized a lot about hurting your mom's feelings by how you speak or behave and this is just yet another way that your mother can make you feel terrible. I may be reaching here but I'm going to venture a guess that part of your "difficulty" with communication comes from the very person that accuses you of being tactless and/or hurtful and in a consistent manner.

In summary part of this is, yes, being more tactful, but I want to relieve you of some of the guilt you may feel, because I am pretty sure that her response was used as a way to manipulate you.

Thank you. She was rightfully hurt by what I said, but she and I have always had conflict and difficulty in communicating.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

I am terrible with communication, and I don't know how to improve. The other day I really upset my mom. I told her very tactlessly that her food was making me sick, and I said that because we have been eating a lot of rich food and it would upset my stomach, but I said it very tactlessly, and she told me that "You seem to find every way to bring me down and ruin every joy in my life" and she went on to say cooking is her biggest joy and motivation to keep her going since moving here as she hasn't cooked in over a year, and for me to say so tactlessly, "Your food is making me sick" crushed her spirits. I cried because I realized that I had hurt her feelings. On a side note to my other thread, she said for me to make my own meals or to become a vegetarian didn't bother her, it was the way I so rudely and tactlessly addressed the concern because I came off as "hating her cooking" after how hard she worked to make meals everyone enjoys. She told me I need to be more honest and upfront about how I feel, but I don't know how to do that. How do I be honest and tactful in expressing how I feel?

I don't think you were being rude to her. I think she is using that as an excuse to be rude to you. Well if someone else start complaining she might get the point.

[LiteraryLark]

My mom and I had a long conversation about it. We're on good terms again.