What do you do when a friend may come back?

Hi. For the past four years I have been friends with a woman my age in her 40s who has bi-polar disorder. Twice during this time she has disappeared for close to a year. During the second time which has been nearly all year I have learned a lot about the disorder through reading and with my own therapist that I see for my own depression.

When I came home tonight I received a Christmas card from her in the mail. The note she added in the simple ‘have a Merry…’ vein. I do not know what, if anything, to do now. I would like at least like send a short text to say thanks. Is there anyone with any suggestions or a similar story?

Thank you

I would send a card too or send a text and then leave it open to see if she reaches out again.

I also see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych central

Hi JayAlex.

I see absolutely no problem with sending off a text thanking her for her well wishes. Adding that you hope she is doing well, and would welcome hearing from her again isn't too full on...leaves the ball in her court.

I also see that this is your first post as a new member...For those wanting to reach out for a chat without judgement......Psych Central is the place. There are many good listeners here... we're a pretty good bunch.

I have been an active member of this site for 4 years. In that time I have received some really constructive feedback and connected with several others with similar challenges to myself. I have also found hanging out in the Games Forums to be a welcome distraction in times of stress... a great way to clear my head, meet like minded others, and have some well needed fun. New members benefit greatly from perusing the many forums available here...lots to explore.

Also after 5 approved posts members have the option to join the chatrooms..or chat one on one with other members.

Should you have any questions on navigating this site, please don't hesitate to private message me or any of the other Community Liaisons who will be more than happy to help. Just click on the screen name above my avatar.

Please be kind & generous to yourself JayAlex, and welcome to P.C

I want to say thanks to the both of you for your nice welcome & advice.

When I mentioned my own doctor in my post all my life I have dealt with dysthymic disorder. I would like to keep these boards open & bookmarked my computer.

I've been the person who disappeared. I dropped off the face of the earth as far as everyone I knew was concerned. Sometimes it comes down to self preservation.

Just a little card or note I'm sure would go so far.

Bumping up my own thread I responded to her unexpected Christmas card with one of my own. I included a note where I told her how I had learned a lo about the disorder over the year and that my cell phone number & Facebook page are the same.

That was over a month ago now. There has been no change with us sadly. Are there any insights as to why she made an effort to reach out in the first place?

Hi JayAlex. I see why the dynamic would be confusing and sad for you. I think it may be helpful to take things at face value here. She pulled back. Sent a short note and didn't reply to yours. I would leave her be at this point. If she wants to contact you, she knows how to reach you. You may or may not hear from her again...may want to prepare yourself for the latter possible outcome.

I think for you to try to read her mind or evaluate her actions could burn your energy without giving you any peace or insight. What about you? How are you doing? Do you have a support network to help when you are depressed...other more steady friends to talk with? Peace to you

Many people send out holiday wishes annually but don't anticipate having an ongoing conversation. In light of that, to me her nonresponse sounds pretty normal.

I'm so sorry, JayAlex I understand it must be pretty confusing. Perhaps she just wanted to be kind and wish you a Merry Christmas, without necessarely thinking of having a conversation. I'm sorry if you were disappointed by this, try not to take it too personally. You still did a good thing by replying, and if she wants to reach out to you she knows where to find you. I hope you'll feel better soon. Friendships can be complicated unfortunately. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you need to talk. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

sending a card many times is mostly a courtesy. people that you don't really necessarily remain close ot but still think of them on good terms. It's not often an invitation back into a close relationship, though sometimes, I'm sure there are exceptions. Her lack of response is really not surprising.

She might be cycling between phases - she might have sent you the card when she was in an elevated, expansive phase, wanting to make new and resuscitate past connections, but since has gone into a depressive phase and is isolating and/or does not have energy for anything.

Sometimes in the throws of bipolar (mania or depression) I get overloaded with ideas and sometimes those ideas seem to be an effort to reconnect with everyone I have shut out. I have been guilty of sending out texts to people that I have no intention ( on a normal day) of having a proper ongoing relatioship with. But sometimes I just feel like I HAVE to contact so and so because its been toooo long. Then I come down, or out and I realize that I was a bit overzealous. And unfortunately I just let it drop. I feel like an asshole when I do this. I am not trying to say that your friend was doing it just that bipolar can make you do some weird stuff.

This sounds right.

For two weeks in December when the card came there was renewed public Facebook activity. That came to quick end as well.

this very much might be part of the pattern of phases we are talking about.

It might also be a normal, regular upsurge in activity around winter holidays.

or it could be as simple as it's been a long time since she sent out cards for people and felt she should do that again. could be much simpler

Hi. Bumping up my own thread (again) this person recently accepted a Facebook request of mine. I have not tried to contact her since however.

When scanning pictures on the timeline taken on vacations or weddings I got a nagging feeling of how much of her latest, longest silence could be blamed on the disorder, or was it instead her being a more deliberate 'bad friend'?

After doing some reading for the first time in while I came back (again) to how trying to read minds or motives is fruitless. I am glad it still happened.