I am really struggling

He is likely playing games. No man with serious intentions and deep feelings for a woman, would behave in this manner towards her. Unless he was in coma for a month, there is no excuse to act this way. This “hot and cold” thing he is playing with you for years isn’t a proper way to treat people.

I've been betrayed as well; just last month and I apologize if I'm a little curt here but that's due to my personality, nothing personal; I really think, leo, that either you are compromising on your standards when it comes to mates (this should be done realistically, of course) or you're aiming for higher value mates (in terms of the mating market). Whenever someone of greater mating value would be with you they are quite likely to ditch you because the relationship is not advantageous to them.


Hence, perhaps, you should focus on improving your own mate value (looks, charm, social position etc.,) and then go back into the mating market or aim for someone who is looking for the same thing but of the complimentary mate value as you.

In either case, leo, I think you should learn to live with your lonliness as well because there are no guarantees in this world. If you must be your own best asset then you should be that and this strategy also has the added benefits of giving you the best chances of thriving in whatever your environment becomes.

I'm sorry but that's how I view the world; brutal ground realities aren't easy to digest but they cannot be ignored. Hence, I would much rather embrace them and do what I can.


I hope my input helps and if I have offended you then I sincerely apologize, my intent was to be useful.

Regards.

Very well said & sage wise advice that I have personally experienced myself.

Improve my looks? did you see my avatar? No it’s the first one.

Looks is not as important. Being independent & able to take or leave guys puts you in control rather than being a victim of some guys whim. A much safer place to be.

Also having rules of who you are willing to get involved with. On my list is "NO MARRIED MAN" no matter how much they tell me they are going to get a divorce. Don't waste my time until you are duvorced then IF I am still available at that time I will determine my interest then. Having boundaries/ rules to live by definitely saves a lot of grief.

I’m the one that pushed him away because of what we had been through but I want him back now. He said he wants to get back with me. We’ll see. Higher value? that would be me

Just because someone says they want to get back with you doesn't mean it is the right thing for you to do.

If yiu like being treated like crap...go for it but why anyone would willingly be treated like that by someone whosebreputation is already proved is totally beyond me. Desperate women never cpme out ahead or happy.

I’m not desperate . I want to reconcile with the man I love.

In any terms that spells desperate. Maybe you need to re-evaluate what you really want & why.

You focus on words a lot. You’d be better off if you look into people’s actions. This guy says a lot of things. His actions speak otherwise. Your standards in men are rather low. If you keep standards low, you’ll have low quality men and low quality relationship. Maybe improving your own life and your self esteem will get you better men (nothing to do wuth looks)

You long distance dated married man for 3 years, dating is a stretch here as you always had to beg him to see you. But he was married. Then he took another two years to get divorced. Before he even got divorced he broke up wuth you and ended engagement.

Year later you still claim to be engaged and keep begging for him to see you. You are willing to put up wuth him ghosting you for a month. He treats you poorly and plays games and you send him a message that you have no self respect by begging him.

Start respecting yourself. I understand you want to reconcile but it takes two. If a man wants you, nothing will stop him. And if he respects you, he’d treat you well. He has no respect for you. You are starved for his love but he shows you none. He just says things.

Why oh why you keep pursuing him?

I want back what I had because it was wonderful. I’m not desperate, I’m in love, there’s a difference .

I didn’t have to beg him to see me for three years. And I know what he’s capable of doing.

Perhaps you are talking about two different men as your posts contradict each other. Yes he maybe is capable of responding to your messages and not hiding from you and he is probably capable of seeing you and being a couple. But he doesn’t do any of it. In reality none of it is happening. You wanting things to be certain way doesn’t make it so.

Good therapy could help you to develop better understanding of good relationship as well as healthy self respect. Your actions towards this man aren’t showing any self respect.

I understand you are in love. But it doesn’t mean you need to lose self respect or be in pain. Love doesn’t need to be pain or desperation. You don’t need to be putting up wuth nonsense or degrade yourself just because you are in love. Love doesn’t equate pain and desperation.

I’m not talking about two different men. At any rate it doesn’t seem like there’s much to talk about here.

You call that wonderful? Wow...what low standard world do you live in that being treated like trash equals wonderful?

Maybe you have never been treated with respect so you don't even know how to respect yourself....but a good quality relationship that involves TRUE LOVE in no way resembles what you had. You are only fooling yourself. Lying to yourself doesn't change reality.

I understand that you’ve been through some trauma. My fiancé also has aspergers and from what I’ve read that can cause someone to be abusive. I also have ptsd and my mother has also accused me of being abusive, although in my case she was abusive to me as a child and there is a record of that.
It takes a lot for a spouse of a person with aspergers to support their partner and hang in there with them.

I had a dad who had aspergers long before the dx ever existed & martied a guy I lived with who also had undisgnosed aspergers....long before dx was ever known about in the US. I know exactly the problems it creates though each person is totally different in how it manifests itself in a relationship. I also know that the more problens that one has themselves the less able they are to be the kind of support needed.

I can also tell you that after 54 years of living around that.....I finally found peace in my life when I finally left.

So you want to continue your life of feeling abused by those around you? What possible reason could you have to knowingly make that choice. You love feeling abused? What makes you think you even have the necessary skills to deal with a partner like that?

How about I believe it is possible to be in a relationship with a person with aspergers and be ok? Initially I left the person because I couldn’t handle it but I took some time off and realized how much I loved him. I know that people with aspergers can be abusive. I also know people with ptsd can be abusive. You found your peace in separation. I found no peace in separation. I know there are whole websites dedicated to partners of aspergers. We can’t help who we love, we love who we love. Is it wrong of me to love someone with aspergers?

It isn't wrong in itself but its wrong if you think a person who abuses you is going to treat you better just because you love him. Think about the quality of that person.

Of course it’s possible to be in a relationship with people with ASD (or any disorder) and it’s possible to be ok. But you are neither in the relationship with him nor you are ok.

No it’s not wrong to love anyone. How much of it is a reality though? Or just loving a fantasy? You saw this man hand full of times in that many years. One time in the past three years. And before that it was always a struggle to get him to see you. How much do you know him?

Plus if the guy broke up wuth you, you two aren’t in a relationship and he isn’t with you, forcing him to be with you isn’t accomplishing anything. Insisting he needs to come back to you because you want him to isn’t going to make it so. It doesn’t matter what he has or how much you want him to do things differently. He isn’t doing it. That’s the bottom line. You can spend another 6 years pursuing him or you can stop now.

Does your therapist or psychiatrist have any opinion on this?