I am really struggling

handful of times over 3 years? No.
As I said he replied to me.
I never had to struggle to get him to see me. Where did you get that idea? I said I’ve seen him once this year and that was my fault.
You’re convinced that it and I are bad. Cant reason with that.

I never said that. I know when he gets angry, I get hurt.

Just going by what you said. Regardless if it was good or bad, he broke up with you in November 2017 and you yourself said he was trying to get rid of you for a year. You wanting to reunite isn’t enough. I understand it hurts but after a year you might need to accept a reality and work on moving on. You are driving yourself insane trying to get him back. You can certainly keep trying for more years to come if that makes you happy. But you post because you are in pain and you losing all self respect in the process coming across desperate. But we can’t stop you of course. Good luck with this

No it is not wrong to love someone with aspergers but it is wrong to stay in an abusive relationship for any reason.

Not all people with ASD are abusive especially not in the way this guy is....but he has proved what he is like. If you yourself grew up around abuse & learned abusive techniques yourself you are just adding gasoline to fire.....not a good combination.

Sorry but I don't buy that fable that we can't help who we love. That is just an excuse & to validate themselves for staying with the wrong person.

First off one gets to REALLY know a person before falling in love & if there are serious red flags one leaves before ever getting emotionally involved. One can still use a combination of one's logical & emotional mind in picking out someone to love. Attraction to someone may exist but in no way is that love. REAL LOVE grows between 2 people out of mutual respect & common values & showing true care & committment for each other. One sided committment does NOT create REAL LOVE. Anything else is either being in love with a fantasy that one creates about the person or just infatuation.

I question that what you are feeling about this abusive person is REAL LOVE.

We had a committed relationship and he believes I ended it.

Actually I didn’t try to get him back until now and that’s what so shocking to him. He doesn’t understand or believe it. I could drive myself insane, if I wasn’t praying and I wasn’t staying connected . Thank you for the good wishes.

If he broke up with you two months before his divorce was final how is he believing that you ended it?

It also isn’t possible to be in a commited relationship with married people. And since he became single he left you, two months before divorce was final, so at no point he was commited to you.

Maybe you see it as commited relationship because you are commited to him, which I totally see as you devoted so many years to him. But it’s not how commited relationship work. You being commited to a person doesn’t make it commited relationship, it has to be mutual commitment. You calling him your fiancée, wearing a ring and saying you are engaged a year after a break up, doesn’t make you engaged.

That’s why I think working with a professional could help you to to understand what it means to be in a commited relationship and distinguish between reality and fantasy.

you think I’m living in a fantasy? I don’t think he and I are in committed relationship today, quite the opposite. Instead of telling me I’m crazy and I need help why not tell me it sounds like you really love this man and I hope things work out. That’s what I would tell a friend. I would tell them that sounds really rough, I’m sorry they are suffering and I hope things work out, not tell them to go to therapy because they are deluded.

leomama, I think you need to understand "his" challenge better. He doesn't get back to you or respond to you in a normal way because in most cases individuals with Asperger need to be told how to respond. You have shared that you think other people are advising him and saying bad things about you. What you need to understand is that because he doesn't know how to respond to you he tends to ask others. Actually there are three different series on TV that have characters that have Asperger and in each case these characters struggle with empathy and knowing how to interact with others in relationships. There is Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory, and Young Sheldon, and The Good Doctor. Each character struggles with understanding others and having what is considered normal relationships. They are all pretty much in their own little world and it's not unusual for them to avoid interacting altogether.

Your frustration about how this individual you love is responding to you tend to lean towards you self blaming when in fact you are comparing oranges to apples. The silence isn't a game with them, instead it means they genuinely don't know how to respond. Your reasoning that you have a problem too in that you have ptsd is NOT going to change the fact that HIS problem is very different, his anger is VERY different and he is incapable of empathizing with your problem and your emotional needs.

I dint think you are crazy at all. Many people get into messy, ugly and bad situations. Doesn’t make them crazy.

But no I dont hope that things work out with this man as you loving him isn’t enough. He isn’t a good partner. There is a very unhealthy pattern going on and I don’t wish on anyone to live like this. I do not believe good friend would advice you to continue pursuing unsuitable partners. I hope you wouldn’t tell your good friends to chase men who ditched them and weren’t nice to them.

Yes I believe in good therapy helping to break unhealthy relationship patterns. Therapy isn’t for crazy people-“crazy “it’s not even a proper term. Therapy could be helpful for anyone

Yes which is why I’m not giving up on him. I corrected one of the people who was advising him , and I spoke my truth in front of another one and tried to reach out to a third.
He has both ptsd and autism so he’s quite volatile. Before things fell apart I was beginning to understand what was required of partners of aspergers and I balked. I had too much going on with my own ptsd as well as my daughter at the time to deal with it.
I really appreciate your answer. You get it. I’ve seen how children with autism act, they’re in their own world. One of my neighbors has an autistic child.
He broke the silence on Thursday through email and while it’s not nearly enough it’s better then silence. He has been silent on social media through for over a month which is very unusual for him.
Much of what I read about having a partner with aspergers warns ppl away, I’ve read that ppl with aspergers can appear narcissistic or psychopathic on the surface.
My own t would tell me I don’t need that , I should go out and enjoy life. She would tell me not to let him use me like a snack machine to get the emotional reaction he wanted. She would tell me to let him live his own life and go meet some nice man who would treat me better.
On the other hand my p doc was skeptical if my t was really helping me at all because she was only seeing me once a month.
My t thought I was doing fine and I didn’t need therapy.

You’re speaking in the plural as if this is a pattern with me. Under ordinary circumstances I would not pursue a man, it goes against my own personal code . I’m not chasing a man who ditched me and is not nice to me. I’m trying to get through to a man who has aspergers and is not talking to anybody that knows me. Not only has he cut me off, but he’s not talking to anybody that I know of right now.
You speak to me as if I’ve never had therapy. I have had years and years of therapy, both individual and group.
The unhealthy relationship pattern is the man I love has aspergers and I don’t know how to relate to him. He said he broke up with me in November of 2016 yet asked me out for my birthday in June of 2018. I did not accept his invitation at the time and I deeply regret it. He didn’t give up on me. I’m not going to give up on him.

It's important that you understand that even when you correct other people in how they advise him, it wont change that HE still genuinely doesn't understand what to do or how to respond to you or your needs. His calling you to get together for your birthday doesn't go as deep as you think it does. Instead it's more of him remembering that when it's someone's birthday you remember and wish them happy birthday and maybe do something nice. You see leomama, it's a task he remembers in what to do for a birthday, it's not about "love and caring", they simply don't go that deep. His brain is wired differently than yours, YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT. Your "feeling" about caring and not giving up on him? He is not capable of have that kind of "feeling", it's just not there in his wiring.

He called me two months before my birthday to take me out, remember I’m a Leo.
I think he was capable of caring about me at one point. When I showed him my sleep logs he said he was sorry I was suffering and didn’t mean to hurt me. That was this week.
What do you suggest I do? Are people with aspergers capable of loving other people? From what I’ve read it can be very difficult for their partners. I even knew a woman who suspected her husband had aspergers and I could tell it was hard.

leomama

They may love head knowledge what they think is love but from personal experience neither my dad nor my Ex-H was capable of having a REAL emotional connection. If that is what you are looking for you won't find it where you are looking. He has already demonstraited that with the way he has treated you.

We had it in the past so I know he’s capable of it. He doesn’t believe me that I still love him or that I want to get back together with him. He doesn’t trust me. He thinks it’s a trap. I’m trying to reason with him. He seems content to live his life without me limited as it is and I’m trying to tell him he doesn’t have to do that, I’m right here.

leomama I agree with eskie and she should know in that she sure had a lot of experience when it came to interacting with someone with this challenge. Unfortuntely, for eskie as she has shared with you there was no actual help for her at the time so she would know why both her father and her now ex were so difficult to interact and form an actual connection with. leo, it's important to understand that these individuals want to connect better yet they genuinely continue to struggle to do so because they simply are wired differently. I would correct the last sentence that eskie posted from you should know by the way he has treated you TO you should know by the way he has interacted with you, there is a difference in that with him it's not intentional, it's only what he is capable of. It's similar to if someone genuinely can't see the color blue, no matter how much you try to help him/her and explain it, they just simply cannot see that color but may learn how to remember the sky is blue and a room in their house is blue and some birds are blue, but that never means he will genuinely know what "blue" really is or looks like, understand??

Hi Leomama,

I sympathize. However, it did not sound like a healthy relationship. He was disrespectful of you. I understand you miss him. Please don't expect too much from the new relationship. It might not work out this time.

Yes. What do you suggest I do?