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DazedandConfused254
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Mad Jan 14, 2019 at 02:56 PM
  #1
Hi PC,

I have this friend that I met during college that has taken residence in my mind a little too long, and am hoping to evict this person from my thoughts as well as diminishing the control of triggers that are associated with her.

This lady was one I met at the very beginning of my almost 6 years in college, and we struck up a friendship right off because of a project we did together. I thought she was an absolute knock-out both in looks and personality, so I took her out on a couple of lunch dates and gave her a souvenir from a trip I made to Cancun. But then after awhile, I sensed that I needed to give her space since she had a very active life in sororities. As time passed however, when I decided to ask her out again in hopes of possibly turning her into a girlfriend, I humiliated myself when I discovered she already had a boyfriend.

We have still been good friends, as we’ve been involved in social organizations together at my college, and we’ve kept in touch after she moved away while I stayed behind for grad school. But I tell you what PC, I am in ruins after that one slip-up with her. Even after this blunder that has happened a while back, I am spiraling. And I am losing even more control of my thought patterns after seeing a pic on Insta of this aforementioned friend bragging on her same boyfriend she has been involved with for 3 years now.

Since then everything that could possibly go wrong with women has gone wrong. I either have two options now: I attract someone who I do not feel a mutual attraction to, or I am told that I am better off as a “friend”, but in the social environments I have experienced in college, this often means that they are through with me, either romantically or platonically. After a couple of awkward moments involving the opposite gender, I think trying to fend for myself on a deserted island would be much more pleasant than even as looking at or talking to any woman ever again. Unless you are popular, have perfect social skills, are super extroverted/social, move super fast in relationships, and have all of the right “pickup” lines, good luck with dating. I ain’t worth two ****s around women and feel like I have lost my last chance now by letting this lady pass me by.

I have already started seeing counseling, take meds for OCD/anxiety disorders and limit my social media use, which has been notorious for jacking up my self-esteem. But what should I do PC? How can I rid myself of the last of my romantic feelings I’ve previously felt toward this person? Will this emotional spiral end?

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DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me.

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Last edited by FooZe; Jan 17, 2019 at 07:04 PM.. Reason: bleeped a cussword
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 03:15 PM
  #2
I'm so sorry, DazedandConfused254 I understand how you feel. For how long have you felt like this? It takes time to get over certain people in our lives. But yes, I do believe you'll get over it eventually. You're already doing the best you can: counselling, meds, ecc. So please try to hang on to that. I'm sorry you haven't had much luck with women so far, but that could change as well. Keep trying if you can. If it's not working, I'd suggest to limit the amount of times you see this friend of yours - especially on social media. I don't think seeing her pictures on Instagram is going to do you any good. Try to avoid things like that if you can. Please don't give up, things can get better. Just do your best like you're already doing - that's all you can do after all. Keep going to therapy, try to meet some new people, maybe find some new hobbies. That's all the advice I can give, unfortunately. You can do this! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 10:35 PM
  #3
Hi MickeyCheeky,

I have been going downhill for about 3 years now, which is when I attempted to ask out the person I mentioned in the OP. But its only been for the past 6 months to about a year when I have really tried to reveal my painful feelings since its been difficult for me to open up, since I'm sometimes afraid of what people might say and often get choked up about it. However, I have got a start by re-discovering myself and passions since starting grad school, and during my time off during Christmas my parents have been really thoughtful and supportive in this matter also.

You're definitely right about avoiding some of those triggers because I am the type to attach emotions and memories with pictures and possessions. I can only hope things can get better. However that may be an illusion since I've made so many mistakes and have difficulty seeing new people due to my ever-changing schedule and most people just don't seem very forgiving of mistakes and blunders like I've had in my life so far. But no matter what thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words! Hugs right back

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DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me.

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 04:25 AM
  #4
Don't give up, DazedandConfused254! Just keep doing your best until brighter days will come. Keep writing here if it helps. Feel free to PM me anytime. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 12:37 PM
  #5
Thank you so much again for this! I sure hope that's the case. Glad to have you as a friend on PC!

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DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me.

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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 03:44 PM
  #6
Remember: You are NOT: lazy,crazy,stupid,useless,dumb,horrible,terrible,evil,disgusting,unworthy,unloveable, worthless or insignificant.
You are human.
You have flaws.
You have gifts.

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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 05:10 PM
  #7
Thank you so much for your kind reply, sarahsweets. I really appreciate this reminder that we are humans and we have both bad and good sides and we aren't defined by our mistakes

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Default Jan 16, 2019 at 09:40 AM
  #8
I will quote something you wrote:
"Unless you are popular, have perfect social skills, are super extroverted/social, move super fast in relationships, and have all of the right “pickup” lines, good luck with dating. I ain’t worth two ****s around women and feel like I have lost my last chance now by letting this lady pass me by."

You didn't "humiliate" yourself (although I can see you think you did) when you asked your friend out and she said she had a boyfriend. I would be extremely surprised if she viewed it as anything more than a nice invitation; regardless of whether she accepted it or not. You issued a reasonable invitation, and she gave a reasonable reason for not accepting. The minute I heard my knock-out friend had a boyfriend (and therefore could not lunch with me) I'd have said "So.....do you have any single friends you can introduce me to?" All the really beautiful women I know also have beautiful friends. However, external looks are only a small portion of the package of a good relationship (and when we love someone, they become beautiful in our eyes.)

The world is filled with nice women who would enjoy having a boyfriend of their own; I think it would be beneficial for you to spend some time with your counselor exploring what nice women are really like; how to find them; and how to ask them out.

Last edited by FooZe; Jan 18, 2019 at 04:49 AM.. Reason: administrative edit to bring within guidelines
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Default Jan 16, 2019 at 11:38 AM
  #9
I think totally blocking/unfollowing her on social media is well worth considering.
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Default Jan 16, 2019 at 03:16 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by IceCreamKid View Post
You didn't "humiliate" yourself (although I can see you think you did) when you asked your friend out and she said she had a boyfriend. I would be extremely surprised if she viewed it as anything more than a nice invitation; regardless of whether she accepted it or not. You issued a reasonable invitation, and she gave a reasonable reason for not accepting. The minute I heard my knock-out friend had a boyfriend (and therefore could not lunch with me) I'd have said "So.....do you have any single friends you can introduce me to?" All the really beautiful women I know also have beautiful friends. However, external looks are only a small portion of the package of a good relationship (and when we love someone, they become beautiful in our eyes.)

The world is filled with nice women who would enjoy having a boyfriend of their own; I think it would be beneficial for you to spend some time with your counselor exploring what nice women are really like; how to find them; and how to ask them out.
I sure hope that's the case. But where I am at in my university, I don't think I'm going to find them here.

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DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me.

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
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Default Jan 16, 2019 at 04:38 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254 View Post
Hi PC,

I have this friend that I met during college that has taken residence in my mind a little too long, and am hoping to evict this person from my thoughts as well as diminishing the control of triggers that are associated with her.

This lady was one I met at the very beginning of my almost 6 years in college, and we struck up a friendship right off because of a project we did together. I thought she was an absolute knock-out both in looks and personality, so I took her out on a couple of lunch dates and gave her a souvenir from a trip I made to Cancun. But then after awhile, I sensed that I needed to give her space since she had a very active life in sororities. As time passed however, when I decided to ask her out again in hopes of possibly turning her into a girlfriend, I humiliated myself when I discovered she already had a boyfriend.

We have still been good friends, as we’ve been involved in social organizations together at my college, and we’ve kept in touch after she moved away while I stayed behind for grad school. But I tell you what PC, I am in ruins after that one slip-up with her. Even after this blunder that has happened a while back, I am spiraling. And I am losing even more control of my thought patterns after seeing a pic on Insta of this aforementioned friend bragging on her same boyfriend she has been involved with for 3 years now.

Since then everything that could possibly go wrong with women has gone wrong. I either have two options now: I attract someone who I do not feel a mutual attraction to, or I am told that I am better off as a “friend”, but in the social environments I have experienced in college, this often means that they are through with me, either romantically or platonically. After a couple of awkward moments involving the opposite gender, I think trying to fend for myself on a deserted island would be much more pleasant than even as looking at or talking to any woman ever again. Unless you are popular, have perfect social skills, are super extroverted/social, move super fast in relationships, and have all of the right “pickup” lines, good luck with dating. I ain’t worth two ****s around women and feel like I have lost my last chance now by letting this lady pass me by.

I have already started seeing counseling, take meds for OCD/anxiety disorders and limit my social media use, which has been notorious for jacking up my self-esteem. But what should I do PC? How can I rid myself of the last of my romantic feelings I’ve previously felt toward this person? Will this emotional spiral end?
Drop this woman. Get the "souvenir from a trip I made to Cancun" back . Tell her buy one if she wants one .Don't waste your time with 'friendship' with women

Last edited by FooZe; Jan 17, 2019 at 07:06 PM.. Reason: administrative edit (to quote only)
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Default Jan 17, 2019 at 12:44 PM
  #12
LonelyMan: Thank you, I agree and appreciate your honesty

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DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me.

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Last edited by FooZe; Jan 18, 2019 at 04:54 AM.. Reason: administrative edit to bring within guidelines
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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 08:30 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by LonelyMan View Post
Drop this woman. Get the "souvenir from a trip I made to Cancun" back . Tell her buy one if she wants one .Don't waste your time with 'friendship' with women
The woman wasn't his to drop. If your attitude is that you will give something to a woman, even a trinket, supposedly in a friendly manner, it's not friendly at all; you're doing it with an agenda in mind that can only end one way or it's not worth your time. " Tell her buy one if she wants one " ? She didn't ask for the thing.

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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 04:09 PM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatsNextNow View Post
The woman wasn't his to drop. If your attitude is that you will give something to a woman, even a trinket, supposedly in a friendly manner, it's not friendly at all; you're doing it with an agenda in mind that can only end one way or it's not worth your time. " Tell her buy one if she wants one " ? She didn't ask for the thing.
You have read my situation correctly. I travel quite a bit and so I'll get souvenirs for lucky people at will, always out of thoughtfulness.

But apparently I'm the only person on the planet who does that. I can't trust most people and most women on this planet assume that I have some special agenda. I've learned men and women can't be "just friends".

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DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me.

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 04:25 PM
  #15
***** UPDATE *****

I sure hope I'm not sounding like a broken record as I have spoken about this on several threads but the same person that I mentioned in the OP is showing off her engagement ring on Insta.

On top of other stressors I've dealt with I've been in a mess mentally, but I've finally taken people's advice here by blocking this person on SM.

Maybe like several other people popular in my network, it could be a relationship that doesn't work out in marriage, but I've determined in the meantime, since we live in different locations and this woman has already done enough to suck the self-esteem out of me, I determined blocking is the best way to go.

Like I said, I still feel depressed about the whole ordeal, but blocking has already cut some of those overly-emotional ties.

But even though the ball and chain with the actual person has begun to break, the whole idea of pursuing anything deeper with this person is still lingering, often leaving me afraid that I have lost my last possible shot.....

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DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me.

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
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