Help, married but attracted to other women and resent wife

I am 36 years old and am in a happy marriage with my partner of 3.5 years. My wife is cool and we get along. Our sex life feels healthy and natural, even though it doesn't measure up to popular statistics. We also share a spiritual practice, and feel connected in that way as well.

I have a problem that started several months ago in which I became attracted to a woman at work. It almost boiled over into a real emotional affair, but we dodged the bullet together (not without a ton of fighting ).

Since then I have tried to disclose attractions as they occur, with varying success. I find it really embarrassing to admit that I am attracted to other women, and I'm also ashamed, and often when these attractions occur, there seems to be an equal part of resentment or dislike that arises in me and is directed at my wife. She doesn't like that. Neither do I. She understands that it is normal to get attracted to other people but doesn't get the part about my dislike/resentment towards her when I get attracted to other women. She thinks it is because deep down I don't really want to be in this commitment.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone want to weigh in on this situation? We would be glad to hear what others think about the situation.

Thank you

Why do you think you're resentful when you've openly communicated to your wife an attraction for another woman?

Was this disclosure of occuring attractions something your wife asked of you to do?

Furthermore, what do you think of your wifes opinion on you not wanting to be in this commitment?

Is there something about an attraction to another woman that appeals to you, which your current relationship doesn't bring to the table?

When did this start happening?

Anyways, you don't have to answer the questions. Im not really sure they're the right questions to ask. Im just trying to understand your psyche, perhaps it will let us help you more. But if you haven't asked yourself pertinent questions which I highly doubt, it's time to do some self reflecting. If you have and still dont know, perhaps this is something you should talk to a proffesional about if these feelings you're experiencing becomes extreme.

Of course she is upset. I would be too. I do not understand why you would be resentful of her if you are the one with the feelings. How would you feel if she had feelings for another person? Would you be ok with that?

[QUOTE=OmegaKindness;6404315]

Hi OmegaKindness. Interesting post. I'm a bit confused. You say you both understand that attraction to other people is natural (it is indeed, when a person commits to a partner they can't suddenly develop an off-switch for attraction to other good looking or interesting people) and yet you're both fighting about it.

One thing that jumps out at me is that there seems to be some over-sharing going on which may be contributing to marital discord. For example, if you had an attraction to a colleague and knew you didn't want to cross a line by acting on it, then why did you tell your wife? if you were struggling with attraction to a colleague, why not privately consult an experienced relationship therapist in order to work it through yourself without breaking your marriage vows or upsetting your wife with needless sharing? It is not your wife's responsbilibilty to ensure that you manage your sexual boundaries when you are not in her company. That is your responsibility.

Then, if I understood you correctly, you went on to say that you inform your wife every time you are attracted to another female....why? The attraction is fine...there are lots of good looking people in the world...just don't act on it.

What do you mean by "emotional affair?" I'm familiar with the term from pop culture but honestly it doesn't seem to be a useful phrase. If you are friends with another woman, with healthy boundaries on both sides, there is nothing wrong with that. If there's no sex, or flirting, or plans to meet to run off together then i think the term "affair" is not realistic. For example, I'm a woman. I'm writing a message to you. Part of the message pertains to private topics and even sex. So if you read my message and don't show it to your wife, would that be the beginning of an "emotional affair?" To me, that sounds like a line from a soap opera. Real life and relationships are more complicated than that, right? I've had several male friends without any boundary issues or infidelity. How did you feel about your female colleague? Do you mean you were in love with her or wanted to go to bed with her? To me, that's the real issue. Are there really marriages ending because of sexless "emotional affairs?" I find that hard to believe. Perhaps I am naive?

Take a step back from your wife's side of things for a moment. What do you want? Do you want to remain in a monogamous marriage or are you resenting your wife because you're feeling that monogamy is not for you. Honestly, I think you need to start working through these thoughts on your side with the help of a therapist. Repeatedly telling your wife every time you see a beautiful woman is not going to get either of you anywhere. I'm in a committed monogamous relationship. I am not unfaithful but I do notice handsome men. And I don't inform my significant other when I see another handsome man. Why would I? I know he notices beautiful women in the world...what's wrong with that?

Fair play to you for being open and posting. I wish you and your wife peace and joy regardless of how you move forward. Please consider dialing back the over-sharing while you figure out what you do and don't want. And I should say that your wife is welcome to read my message. I've no intention of having an "emotional affair" with you or any other male on PC. I was just demonstrating a point that society has gotten a bit loopy with some of these ideas. Just my thoughts.

"Our sex life feels healthy and natural, even though it doesn't measure up to popular statistics. "

I forgot to mention...if you are comparing your sex life to "statistics" that is not the path to relationship happiness. Sex is a unique dynamic for every couple. And lots of people lie when participating in sex surveys...for example men tend to exaggerate their total # of partners. Anyway, you need to figure out what you want and whether it correlates with what your wife wants. Leave statistics out of it. I think it's natural for a marriage to go through bumpy spells...it's all about whether you want to put the work in to get through those spells or whether you feel the differences cannot be resolved. Only you can decide that. Initially, you mentioned lots of great factors in your marriage. That's a great start, right?

I think hopefully got it right (great post btw). I think you need to put yourself in her shoes and decide how you would feel if she were doing this.

People here have posed some great questions and have provided some great advice and insights.

I am in a committed monogamous relationship (about to get married) and we don't discuss our attractions. I know they happen on both sides, but we definitely do not openly discuss an attraction we may have. I think that could be healthy perhaps once in a while and if done in a constructive way, like reinforcing your commitment to each other, but every single time and with every single attraction? I don't see this as truly benefiting the marriage.

I agree with others here that this may be causing tension in your relationship. If your wife asked you to disclose such attractions, perhaps that's why you're resentful of her? If not, perhaps it's because you really don't want to be monogamous, deep down, as your wife suggests?

Do you wish you had your freedom? Do you secretly want to act on your attractions? It's really hard to advise without more info.

I'm so sorry you're struggling, OmegaKindness Have you thought about couple counselling? Since you seem to have doubts about your relationship right now, maybe that could help clarify some things. Or maybe you can try therapy by yourself if you don't want to involve your wife into this, since the problem seems to be mostly on your part. Would that be possible? Please try to think about this and your marriage seriously. I feel like it's really important. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Hi all, my wife and I thank you for the thoughtful responses. I'm going to respond to everything that has caught my interest:

Iloivar:

Why do you think you're resentful when you've openly communicated to your wife an attraction for another woman?

In the past, these feelings have seemed to come from not being able to pursue these other women, and hold on to the fantasy that is created when the attraction or interest develops. Almost always, the resentment appears and grows when I don't make the admission, because I am hiding the fact, and also I don't relish these fantasies, on the contrary I would prefer if they didn't happen. It's rare that the resentment stays after the admission. Another layer for the resentment that has become apparent, along with the reason I mentioned already is the anticipated emotional beating from her I take when I make the admission.

Was this disclosure of occurring attractions something your wife asked of you to do?

Initially yes, but I also see the value in it, so I want to participate. Somehow keeping these attractions secret is very disturbing for me, and I feel guilty and ashamed, and disclosing them makes everything go away. There is always an aftermath however, but overall the process seems to be of a positive nature and helps us move forward.

Furthermore, what do you think of your wifes opinion on you not wanting to be in this commitment?

I think it makes sense, considering the circumstances. However, I feel deeply committed to her and feel at odds with it. I want to be in this commitment, I just have this inconvenient issue which I am trying to understand.

Is there something about an attraction to another woman that appeals to you, which your current relationship doesn't bring to the table?

My mind seems to crave the visual physical beauty, and validation that other women's attention gives me. Also, it attributes characteristics to these women that haven't really been proven but my mind attributes and idealizes, adding to the fantasy image of "what" these women are. These illusions pile up, I try to resist relishing or even acknowledging them, feeling guilty and unfaithful all the while, beating myself up for the fact that they even appear in my mind. It's a mess when it happens. It is peaceful when it doesn't.

When did this start happening?

Last year about 2 years into our being together. I was at a job I found really boring and I didn't have much going on in my life other than going to work and watching YouTube.

sarahsweets:

Of course she is upset. I would be too. I do not understand why you would be resentful of her if you are the one with the feelings. How would you feel if she had feelings for another person? Would you be ok with that?

Ha. Coincidentally she now has a strong attraction to someone she sees regularly (guy at the gym), and when she tells me about him, I get a bit jealous. So yes, I get jealous when she tells me about other guys (which is rare).

HopefullyLost1211:

At the work incident there was development of sexual interest and emotional longing for connection with my female co-worker. Eventually I cut off interacting with that person because it seemed that because of the attraction, any interaction would strengthen my desire and my perception of my emotional bond with this woman, and create a palpable distance between my wife and me. I would call that an emotional affair, one of the heart and mind, not so much the body.

golden_eve:

Do you wish you had your freedom? Do you secretly want to act on your attractions? It's really hard to advise without more info.

I am new to commitment in general. Professionally, emotionally, and any other way conceivable. My life prior to this relationship was lived on a whim; discipline and self control were unheard of. When my wife first suggested a lifelong commitment, I was appalled, and taken quite by surprise. After some thought, I realized that somewhere deep down, I knew it was the right choice for me. Unfortunately, despite my conscious decision, I have 3 decades of mental conditioning of doing whatever I want to contend with my new circumstances.

So in short: Part of me wants to act on these attractions. I have not and don't intend to. I have instead chosen to be committed and do truly want that, I would rather put those desires aside, because ( I thought) I had proven to myself that chasing and getting involved with other women is dissatisfying. But it seems that I still enjoy it, despite having made a choice that does not allow me to do it.While challenging, commitment leads to a different kind of pleasure and satisfaction that can't be attained with flings or short term episodes (in my experience). Hopefully that illustrates the problem more clearly. I want to be committed to my wife but I have these strong desires to be with other women that cause me to resent her. And this is causing ongoing friction between us

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Would you consider consulting with a marriage and/or sex therapist? I think they could really help you. Some of what you are describing sounds like just natural thoughts and feelings associated with sexuality.

Something which struck me as important was:
I am new to commitment in general. Professionally, emotionally, and any other way conceivable. My life prior to this relationship was lived on a whim; discipline and self control were unheard of. When my wife first suggested a lifelong commitment, I was appalled, and taken quite by surprise. After some thought, I realized that somewhere deep down, I knew it was the right choice for me. Unfortunately, despite my conscious decision, I have 3 decades of mental conditioning of doing whatever I want to contend with my new circumstances.

It could be helpful for you to explore your general thoughts and feelings about sex and monogamy and marriage. There's quite a gulf between feeling appalled by the idea of marriage and feeling that "deep down" it was right for you...particularly if that turnaround occurred quickly for you (you didn't mention a timeline for deciding to marry). That could be useful to think through as well as recalling your role models for male-female relationships...were your parents married, divorced, impulsive, stable? etc

Again, I don't think this is something you should be working through with your wife. That sounds unhealthy and counterproductive to me. I think you need to take the responsibility on board for yourself and seek therapy to work it through.

You mentioned what I assume was boredom or restlessness or even stress when you first started feeling this way...working and then being on YouTube without other pursuits. Addressing the restlessness via new pursuits such as a hobby or regular physical exercise could help to take the edge off the sexual frustration and desire to be gratified by women other than your wife. Though if that's more of an esteem issue (such as not feeling attractive or of value without frequent attention from other women) then that would need to be addressed in a different way.

That said, you will always have sexual thoughts about other women...I don't know of any sexual person who wouldn't. Are you from a Purist upbringing? Strict religious ideals about sex etc?

Just some thoughts for you. Peace

It sounds like you really are harboring resentment toward your wife, but are dodging admitting it to yourself. (For example, your statement that your sex life is “healthy and natural,” but “doesn’t measure up to popular statistics” sounds like you’re not having as much sex as you want, but are unwilling to say so and deal with the feelings that come with that.)

Frankly, I think there’s an element of sadism in telling your wife every time you’re attracted to another woman. That resentment seems partly like internalized anger (guilt etc), along with genuine resentment toward your wife. When you verbalize/externalize it, the feelings are relieved. But I have my doubts that this is the healthiest way to go about it, for either party. Individual therapy sounds like a good idea.

First off, stop being ashamed at being a normal person. Stop being ashamed at actually being attracted to others of the opposite sex. There is no inherent shame in doing what is natural to people. Thing is, you have to separate that attraction is not equal to adultery nor does attraction mean that you need or want that other person. It is admiration for the physical beauty of another person, that's it. And we all do it. Why is it that men and women can talk about celebrities and how gorgeous they are and admire their beauty but cannot admit that they are just other people that happen to be famous? This should if anything be classified the same as your attraction to a co worker and your acknowledgment that they are such. The only difference is that a celebrity is in a safe distance and obviously not one we could pursue if we wanted typically. But that should not matter because I reiterate, that finding another person attractive does not by any means compel us to pursue or even desire to be with them. two separate things. One is natural and human, the other is a choice. NO ONE is compelled to cheat or pursue someone outside their relationship purely by attraction. no one.

So shirk the idea that attraction itself is some kind of offense against your relationship or a sin or any number of other things one could call lit to feel guilty over. What you do with that attraction is your choice. if you continue to make the choice to be faithful in your marriage, being attracted and acknowlegging that you are not blind is not something to feel guilty over nor should your wife hold it against you.

feeling resentment about having to disclose everything? sure, of course. that's natural to feel that way to have to be overly accountable to your spouse for something that you should not have to but the question is, does she compel you to do that or is it your guilt that did so? Because if she requires you to do this, the resentment is justified and it needs to be worked out with her but if it is borne of guilt and you feel obligated to do so, who do you have to be resentful to? if she's not telling you to do this then stop and admit that you're just a dude that has eyes that function and can see that there are other attractive females but you choose the one you're with everyday.

hope this helps.

I agree that it's natural to be attracted to other people, but resentment towards your partner is a separate issue.

Maybe it's worth exploring unresolved issues in your relationship, or in the back of your mind.

Did you feel pressured or rushed to "settle" with her at any point? Is there something you thought you forgave her for, but really didn't fully?

You could explore whatever issue there may be, either in an individual or couples therapy.

Why was marriage suddenly the right choice for you? Wouldn't monogamy and commitment have come before a marriage anyways? It seems to me that you struggle with truly wanting to be monogamous, even though you see the benefits. You made a choice that "doesn't allow you to do it" sounds to me like you lost your feeling of freedom. Monogamy should be a deliberate, conscious and welcomed choice on one's life. So why did you get married? Did your wife push marriage? You say she brought it up. Perhaps the switch was too big of a change from your former life. You also say you almost had an emotional affair. Strong desires to be with other women: all of this smells of deep trouble to me and struggles ahead with the same issues. If you resent your wife for being in a committed relationship with her, and you have strong desires for other women, then perhaps you should not be married.

Do you mean you tell your wife every time you see a woman you think is sexually appealing? Or as in attracted to/interested in sexually and emotionally? Bc if it's every woman you find sexually attractive I think that's a little excessive. Can you elaborate on the resentment towards her? Bc what I'm seeing in my head would royally piss me off! You're being a **** towards her bc you found yourself with a sexual desire for another woman and feel restricted from acting on it?

So my husband was doing this to me after he had become emotionally attached to a female friend and became sexually attracted to her.
We had an argument, he confided in me his emotional affair which I could tell was happening already..
To make a long story short, they stopped communicating and seeing each other (she also was his massage therapist which was ethically wrong). My husband and I are reconciling and things have been better than before.
My husband and I had to do some serious changing within ourselves. Neither of us should be responsible each other’s happiness. Let me just say to you that “the grass is not always greener” my friend. Look within, what are you looking for? When you have everything that you need right in front of you. What is missing in your life? If your wife and your life is not what you want be honest with yourself and if you know that is what you want then get your **** together man! Life is too short enjoy and don’t take it for granted.

Well this is a old thread brought back to life