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Old 03-09-2019, 12:14 PM #21
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Default Re: A story of my Becca- running away, drugs and alcohol.

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post

Woops I should have shared that info. Yes, she has adhd and bipolar. She has been seeing a psychiatrist for 12 years. She has been hospitalized 4 times. She was told by the rehab/outpatient and her psychiatrist to see a therapist. I offered to show her how to find out if someone is in network but keeps skirting the issue. I handle all her other appointments/urgent care visits. I got her back to our psychiatrist after she was done with rehab although it took some convincing only because when she ran away the people she hung with convinced (a very naive and under-the-influence girl that we were drugging her for no reason and she could be free and be herself if she stopped meds. So she was a non-compliant patient.
Sounds like my older stepdaughter. Most family cut ties with her (my other stepdaughter doesnít talk to her at all for years now) because there is just too much into it, including problems with the law. Itís ongoing heartbreak for my husband. She periodically says she wants to live better life, but itís usually doesnít last. I have high hopes for your daughter as she is still so young. Hugs
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Old 03-09-2019, 02:31 PM #22
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Default Re: A story of my Becca- running away, drugs and alcohol.

You're a wonderful mother, sarahsweets Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's hard to find a mother as dedicated as you. You're a VERY strong person and I hope you'll recognize that. I'm so sorry your daughter is going through all of this. But it seems like you're doing all you can to help her. That's more than enough! Just keep helping her out, but remember that she has to take responsabilities for her own actions as well. She needs to take care of herself. You're a wonderful person! Keep being so strong. I have so much to learn from you. Thank you so much for being here. Keep doing your best. That's all you can do after all. Take care of yourself. Don't neglect yourself. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Stay strong, sarahsweets. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Try to hang on. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this
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Old 03-09-2019, 05:58 PM #23
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Default Re: A story of my Becca- running away, drugs and alcohol.

You truly deserve an award for all this. I remember from childhood that my brother had a sweet friend,a boy that we all loved. Raised by the same parents, his younger sister had drug problems, a constant nightmare. I never heard of a diagnosis, that would have been the sixties but they probably would have taken her for help. We were kids so things might have been hushed up. The point Iím trying to make is that it wasnít you. You did so much to help her and w yr own challenges were far better able to help her. Mom of the year award goes to you, lady! as Mickey said, do nice things for yrself. Hugs.
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Old 03-09-2019, 09:13 PM #24
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Default Re: A story of my Becca- running away, drugs and alcohol.

((sarahsweets)), you sure have been challenged with this child. It's really not that she is stupid either, she has proven she "can" excel. It sounds like the main challenge is that she has both ADHD and bipolar, that in itself is a lot of restlessness in the mind.

Her moving around doesn't mean she is unhappy, it means she is unhappy being in one place too long. Usually these kind of minds do best in jobs where they travel more and get to move around from place to place more. My older brother has ADHD and he finally found that he did best with traveling sales jobs and he is constantly hoping on planes and literally moving around to see different clients. My older brother was always a challenge, had a mind of his own and would run away, was quite the adventuresome type.

Now, your daughter has had eight jobs? She gets along with people, her real problem is she gets bored, then begins looking for another job. HOWEVER, if she had a job in sales where she could visit all these places, move around to these different places where she sold them something or was some kind of supplier, she would not get so bored. Are you getting the picture here?

Running away isn't always actually running away, instead it's changing location, needing to explore, getting bored with one place routines. We tend to TRY to get people to conform to get locked into a routine or we consider them bad, yet, not all people are set up to excel and do what we think is normal for all children and young adults.

Take Robin Williams for example, he was high energy, he needed a lot of stimulation and while he would settle in one place for a bit, his desire was to move around and be busy and busy he was most of his life. These individuals "can" get into drugs, everyone knows Robin Williams used drugs and loved cocaine because often those with ADHD like drugs that are stimulants like cocaine and speed. What makes most feel like they are winding and speeding, instead often calms the ADHD down. I don't know what medication she is on, but often welbutrin helps.

Often the true challenges show up in the late teens like you have described taking place with your daughter. These children can be challenges to the best of mothers, so you can't be blaming yourself. I am sure she does love you too, but she has that restlessness in her that even SHE doesn't understand. It's really better for her if she finds something that WORKS for how she is designed to be, a busy in motion person. Hey you know, even women end up being truck drivers, not because they want to drive a truck but because they like the feeling of moving from place to place. Hey, some people joined the circus in the old days, why? Because they liked the moving around. My grandfather on my father's side was that type, he up and left and went out west, he was in a circus for a while and even drove the wellsfargo stage coach, he flew planes in both world wars, the key was "motion and moving around".

Not everyone is set up to go to work every day at the same place, it's simply not how they are set up to be. So I think it would be helpful for your daughter to learn about herself, what makes her happy and to find something she can do where she moves around and can make a living at the same time. Same thing with these fishermen, they need to get in their boats and just go, and they love that lifestyle.

It's SO IMPORTANT to understand how someone's brain is set up, some brains are the kind that are able to sit and think, while other brains need to move around. We have to understand that in our human history, human beings were actually designed and thrived, even have been genetically set up to gravitate to all different kinds of things. Hey, I would not want to go out and deal with all that weather out there on some fishing boat, not my thing, but for some they can't imagine any other kind of life, that doesn't make them bad now does it?

Something to really consider about your daughter. Something you can sit and explore together even. Better than fighting and getting all emotional about what could be HER true normal that she needs to find the right nich for. Just my two cents from reading through what you have shared of your very challenging you lady that you love and she does love you too.
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Old 03-09-2019, 09:25 PM #25
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Default Re: A story of my Becca- running away, drugs and alcohol.

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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Try to hang on. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this
Oh yeah, that's right. Self-care is so important amidst all of these. What do you do for self-care to recharge?
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Old 03-10-2019, 05:17 AM #26
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Default Re: A story of my Becca- running away, drugs and alcohol.

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Oh yeah, that's right. Self-care is so important amidst all of these. What do you do for self-care to recharge?
Well AA has really saved me in this situation. I have learned through getting sober what boundaries are and how not to enable someone. If I wasnt so familiar with addiction I do not know if I would have taken the steps I did to protect myself and my family. I have always been sympathetic to mental illness, addiction and behaviors associated with it. Her mental illness is managed pretty well since she started back on her meds in rehab and IOP. She doesnt know who she is or what she wants to do, and I get that.

So in a way part of my self care has been to let go and accept that she is an addict who wants to make it on her own. I like to read- I am a legit speed reader. I have a rigid sleep routine that I structured when I had to get out of perpetual insomnia. The alcoholic in me means that sleep meds are not good for me. So I wake up and go to bed in the same window of time every single day. I love waking up early. I wake up at 4 to have an hour and a half all to myself. I like posting here a lot. I am getting re-purple-ized on Tuesday since I will be completely out of commission for who knows how long. My self care involves eating and drinking enough food and water and sleep hygiene.
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Old 03-10-2019, 05:41 AM #27
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Default Re: A story of my Becca- running away, drugs and alcohol.

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Her moving around doesn't mean she is unhappy, it means she is unhappy being in one place too long. Usually these kind of minds do best in jobs where they travel more and get to move around from place to place more. My older brother has ADHD and he finally found that he did best with traveling sales jobs and he is constantly hoping on planes and literally moving around to see different clients. My older brother was always a challenge, had a mind of his own and would run away, was quite the adventuresome type.
I can appreciate what you are saying and if drugs and alcohol/addictive behaviors were not involved I would agree with you more. The mental illness manifests itself in risk taking behaviors (sex, substance abuse) and extreme impulsiveness without assessing the risk or harm to herself. She is always looking for where she fits in and is learning to be comfortable in her own skin. I have told her her whole life that as long as she is happy and self sufficient I don't care what it is that she does. Her new job is in hospitality (front desk at a Marriot) and she said she thinks she could advance it into a career. I praised her because this is the first time she has thought beyond just getting by.
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Now, your daughter has had eight jobs? She gets along with people, her real problem is she gets bored, then begins looking for another job. HOWEVER, if she had a job in sales where she could visit all these places, move around to these different places where she sold them something or was some kind of supplier, she would not get so bored. Are you getting the picture here?
Yes I get the picture and like I said if she were older, not in early sobriety it would be easier for me to see what you are saying. When she finds her niche it may well involve a job that is constantly changing or challenging or that she may move around. But I assure you these 8 jobs she has had she either quit or was fired due to absences or calling out, or looking for somewhere that isn't too hard to work. Her most favorite job was wawa and she quit that when she was partying with the girl she was staying with. She told me that she phoned her supervisor the last day and cursed him out for giving her a written warning about absences. She literally fired herself and burned the bridge there. She says she loves this new job and I support her in it.
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Running away isn't always actually running away, instead it's changing location, needing to explore, getting bored with one place routines. We tend to TRY to get people to conform to get locked into a routine or we consider them bad, yet, not all people are set up to excel and do what we think is normal for all children and young adults.
I want to clarify that she literally left a note on the table and left. She left to go live with this girl and her mother where drugs and alcohol were tolerated. She had a drug dealer. She was not looking to expand her horizons, she wanted to party and because she was 18 she knew we couldnt do anything. Once we figured out who she was with, the school officer visited her to tell her that her family loved and missed her and wanted her to reach out to us but being near constantly under the influence she was not in her rational mind. I have no interest in getting her to conform to anything or saying she is bad. If she is bad for these things then so am I because I am an alcoholic. Her leaving causes major trauma with our family and we went to family therapy to process it and learn about radical acceptance.
I have adhd myself and take adderall for it. She has tried stimulants over the years and could never tolerate it. A lot of bipolar people have trouble tolerating stimulants because it can play into mania and mood.
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Often the true challenges show up in the late teens like you have described taking place with your daughter. These children can be challenges to the best of mothers, so you can't be blaming yourself. I am sure she does love you too, but she has that restlessness in her that even SHE doesn't understand.
Thank you for this.
Quote:
Not everyone is set up to go to work every day at the same place, it's simply not how they are set up to be. So I think it would be helpful for your daughter to learn about herself, what makes her happy and to find something she can do where she moves around and can make a living at the same time. Same thing with these fishermen, they need to get in their boats and just go, and they love that lifestyle.
She needs to maintain consistency with her meds, sobriety and location. That is what her doctor has said and her sponsor and other recovery friends. She turned 19 in Feb and I do not know a single 19 year old that knows themselves-myself included.
Thank you for taking such time to reply to me and please dont think my replies are at all defensive or rude. I just wanted to really clarify the addiction piece- its vital that she do certain things to stay sober. We are both 12 step participants and we both know what is recommended. You make a lot of excellent points that will totally apply to her when she moves beyond the chaos of addiction and the addict lifestyle. I really hope she sticks with it at this job and is able to support herself as far as her rent. We help her with things she cant afford-which is basically anything other than gas,rent and her phone bill. (thank god rent in sober houses is by the week (she pays 130$ a week) and she got herself a walmart phone plan. We have the car we let her use in the shop now because it wouldnt start. My poor husband tried changing the starter and was laying on the ground under her car at night in 11 degree weather. Her dad is amazing!
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Old 03-10-2019, 12:38 PM #28
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Default Re: A story of my Becca- running away, drugs and alcohol.

I understand, when it comes to alcohol or drugs being involved, it's a much bigger challenge. I went through all that with my husband who has ADHD and Dyslexia and all the years he would go out on binges and apologize and be good for a bit then go out on another binge. And I understand the whole friends thing in that these friends also are involved with drinking and drugs too. He did not respect boundaries either, still working on that tbh with him. His life even sober revolves around his disease and he goes to a lot of meetings even now and I am often alone. It's very hard when it comes to this challenge. It's not unusual for the person who has the problem to blame things on others either I have experience with that as well. It was hard for me to read all you wrote because I honestly know how it feels to struggle with that constant worry and praying the person you love is safe and how helpless it can feel.

I used to have "one day at a time" under my Avatar and a lot of people thought that meant I had issues with alcoholism, well, it was not me but you DO have to learn how to take things one day at a time even when you are not the alcoholic yourself. It's hard to explain that, but I think you know what I am saying.

You are right in that your daughter doesn't really have the maturity to know who she is right now. Yes, she is going to have to learn how to stay sober, but also she will need to learn how she thrives best and what kind of nich will suit her best. It's a process and definitely takes time to slowly figure it all out. My prayers are with you ((sarahsweets)), it takes a lot of strength to deal with on your part, this much I know and it sure is not easy.
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Old 03-14-2019, 03:53 AM #29
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Default Re: A story of my Becca- running away, drugs and alcohol.

I admit I didn't read it all. But I myself was misguided youth and I got an dwi at 19 and it was the worse thing that could have happened to me. By then I had I had been to 2 misguided treatment centers. Rum just by ex junkies (most are today) when I was I was 19 very vulnerable and naive I had a male counselor come in in my room 3 times . Trying to get sex with me. (I later learned the other ladies were begging for him to sleep with him. They were prostitutes outside of the treatment center so he looked good.)

I could go on and on and on about the abuse I experienced in aa. It haunts me. It's horrible to deal with.
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Old 03-14-2019, 04:04 AM #30
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Default Re: A story of my Becca- running away, drugs and alcohol.

And open eyes pls don't respond to me. I know your husband is a die hard aa er. To all pervert in some languages. Just jjoking. But don't respond please......
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