Commitment phobia of my partner

Please be careful, kes8529. You don't have to be commited to this guy. Honestly I think you deserve better. Can I ask you what do you like exactly about this person? From what you wrote it sounds like he needs to change completely before a relationship could even be consider. Why him specifically? Is there any reason in particular? I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. Semding many hugs to you

Hello kes8529. I am so sorry that you're going through such a confusing and painful situation Relationships are difficult, aren't they? If only it were enough to love someone so much and then be loved in return. With the background you mentioned with your father, I imagine trusting and attachment are quite complicated for you. Understandably. Is your mother in your life? Is she supportive?

You mentioned that you are talking to a psychotherapist. That sounds like a strong and intelligent way to deal with your concerns. Not easy, either, I've been there. May I ask how it's going for you? Do you talk about your bf with the therapist? Has he/she given you any strategies?

I'll share some ideas. I'd like you to try an exercise if you are comfortable with it. Find a nice quiet place in your home while alone. Grab a notebook and pen and put it next to you. Close your eyes for a few minutes. Try to imagine your life if things don't work out with your bf...if don't see each other anymore. While you're thinking about it, pay attention to how you think and feel in those moments...body and mind. Grab the notebook and write that down. "When I imagine life without him, I feel _____ and _________ and I think __________. When I imagine never seeing him again, my body feels ____________." When answering those questions, focus only on you and your thoughts/feelings, not his. If you do that, I think you are may get a few answers for yourself which will be really helpful moving forward. You can take the answers to your therapist and start unpacking the thoughts and feelings.

I tried to read all of your posts on the thread but I apologize in advance if I missed or misunderstood a piece. I think you said at one point that you are not trying to change the man. Do I have that right? Honestly, and zero judgment from me here, that sounds like exactly what you are trying to do. And I don't think that will lead you to a path of peace and joy in life. We cannot change anyone even if they say they want to change for us. I am also concerned that he doesn't sound (I obviously don't know him) to be completely honest and direct about his wishes and feelings. To me, it sometimes sounds like he tells you what he thinks you want to hear.

Then on your side, it seems like you are trying to psychoanalyze him. I understand that you want to relate to him and the situation is so confusing but you aren't trained in analysis (correct me if I'm wrong) and we cannot read other people's minds. You told him you know the way he thinks and why. I would encourage you to take a step back from that. I don't think you can know exactly what he thinks and why. Can anyone truly know your thoughts?

This is obviously very painful for you and you have my support. At this point, I recommend continuing your own therapy and trying to bring your thoughts and goals back to you. What do you want for your own future? How's work? Any close friends to chat and have a laugh with? Are there family members you enjoy spending time with? Hobbies? Self-care?

I have the impression that maybe you believe your future happiness is dependent on being with him. One thing I've learned the hard way in life is that we cannot look to others to create happiness for us. We need to seek our own joy and peace as an individual....we need to honor and love our own Self. After we have achieved that, then we can share our happiness with another person who has also done the work on their own Self.

You mentioned low self-esteem. Were you aware of that prior to the relationship with your bf? What is your inner self-talk like? Have you ever written it down? How do you think and feel about yourself (not in relation to the bf)? Are you familiar with Inner Child theory? It may be worth a look.

I hope you find peace. And I really hope your therapist is kind and insightful.

I wish you a bright future

No, no, no. You got it a bit wrong. We see each other twice a week, because we work opposite shifts. He stays at mine Wednesdays, leaves work early to see me and i stay at his Sundays, he picks me up, cooks for me or we go swhere. When we have time we stay all weekends together. He comes every time to pick me up from work. He gave me a key to his flat, bought me my toothbrush, my pjs for when I am there. He keeps his clothes at mine. We go on holidays together every month. For my bday I got from him a surprise trip to Spain - as I love Spain. He went with me to see my parents for a holiday. Actually, it was problematic - he forgot his documents, so he re-booked the flights, spent a lot of money and 24 h at the airports to be able to join me. He takes me out with his friends, I am his official gf not a booty call.

He begs me to see me now and says that he cannot wait for Wednesday to see the therapist and start solving it, so that we can continue this relationship without his emotional baggage. I am sure that he is going to talk at this therapy about his issues with commitment to anything. I also told him that at some point I can join him for a couples counselling to do it all right, but for now I will move back and observe what is happening and how he is doing.It is not that I totally committed to a total a@@hole. With a lot of things we are really similar - ideas for the future, our past, same sense of humour, same political views and many more.

I am 100% sure If he bails out of therapy, I am out.

Nvmd deleted.

So I seem to all of you like a lost cause. It sounds like if I was very naive. I do understand my codependence - trait. I do work on it.

If it comes to my boyfriend, he went to the therapy. He talks there about me, his past relationships, his parents, childhood, etc. He did tell her he wanted to go, because he sees our potential and wants to work on his issues to be able to create with me a strong, mature relationship. The situation between us improved. I still do not know where all of this will go, but there is this tiny light at the end of the tunnel.

We are very honest with each other. We tell each other about our fears, worries, triggers etc

He asked me to go back with him to his country in April to meet his parents. He will be changing his job soon and asked me to move out of the city we live in together. For now I am saying to just wait, see where he will land and then we will discuss what are the next steps.

I am taking it a day at a time.

I do not want to give false hope to people out there dealing with commitment - phobes because it is difficult, the push/pull stuff, but If they want to work on themselves, if they realize their issues maybe through hard work you can deal with that?

I think that you are very wise to wait.

I would not make a major commitment like that, moving out of your city, right now.

It's great that he started therapy but it has only been a few weeks. That is not nearly enough, in my opinion, to consider uprooting yourself for him.

Always be wary when a guy wants to uproot you, isolate you from your regular life and support.

I also would not go visit his parents at this time. You have not had a long enough, stable enough relationship (in my opinion) to be taking that step.

Always be wary when a guy wants to rush things.

You mentioned a tiny light at the end of the tunnel.

In my opinion, that is just a tiny start. You need (in my opinion) more, much more, to have confidence that he has changed and grown.

My advice is to be out of the tunnel entirely before you even consider turning your life upside down for this guy. Permanent change through psychotherapy takes time, a lot of time. Don't let him persuade you otherwise. Make certain that he is permanently out of the tunnel.

The problem is that he will have to change his job because of the situation with Brexit and what it does to the companies here, not because he wants to... and he gets offers from all over the world (he is a highly trained professional). The situation at his job is terrible. Constant pressure, no matter how much you work, it is never enough plus they fire someone every day, you never know If next day when you go there, you are not next... So he is pretty depressed. I told him from the beginning that at some point I wanna leave the UK (we both live our lives that way - moving to a different country every couple of years, which we thought was amazing when we met, we finally met this second half who wants to live the life the same way), but at this point I want to stay for maybe a year more, so he looks here. Now the situation has gotten even worse, as I said I will not move to even a different city with him.

He wants me at some point to move with him to his country. He said once he gets a job offer, he will push for them to pay for my language studies, If they want him. So he is pretty serious about all of that.

At this point it would have been perfect for us If he stayed here longer, If we had more time. If he rented a flat here by himself (he has a flatmate) and I would just visit whenever I feel like that. At some point we would see what happens. But the issues with his job are becoming major, I also do not want to force him to stay in this hell, just because I am too afraid to go with him anywhere. So as you see it is all pretty complex and difficult.

If it comes to the holiday with his family. I think If it is his idea and now it has been 7 months, I might do it.

From my side I must admit, it is all heavy on me. He is never mean to me anymore. I mean he gets stressed, pissed off at stuff, but whenever I see his anger (not directed at me but in my presence), I just try not to react, and he apologises profoundly that I had to see him like that. As you can see, he is really trying. He is the one offering all these things - to go with him wherever he goes with friends, family etc and I accept or I do not, saying I do not have time or do not feel like that. But for me it is painful when he distances himself emotionally as I have lost the feeling of safety around him. I never know anymore if he needs space or if he has doubts about us.

My therapist says that his full honesty and his therapy are ground breaking, that I should believe in him, because what he does is big. My parents love him even though my mother is very aware of all the things that happened.

[QUOTE=Bill3;6456431]I think that you are very wise to wait.

I would not make a major commitment like that, moving out of your city, right now.

It's great that he started therapy but it has only been a few weeks. That is not nearly enough, in my opinion, to consider uprooting yourself for him.

Always be wary when a guy wants to uproot you, isolate you from your regular life and support.

I think he does not want to "uproot" me as I have mentioned, none of us in this country has "roots" and I am pretty independent, I live my life changing

I think he does not want to "uproot" me. I am pretty independent and I love changing jobs/enviroment/cities/countries. He knows that. The situation is changing because of his job. He tries to show me he is super serious about us and the future. Do not think he tries to take over my life.

Same with his parents - he is not rushing, he is proving me that he is very serious about making us work.

Sorry If my posts are so chaotic, that is the way my brain works.

I did not mean to suggest that he is purposely trying to uproot you or rush you.

I do mean to say that, in my opinion, you will be wise to allow time to pass before you go the things that he is suggesting. You will be wise to insist that he makes changes that last, changes that stand the test of time, before you make the moves that he is suggesting. To move to a place where you don’t know the language is a particularly large risk.

It’s great that he has made a start, but it’s only a start. He has made some changes so far, but just over a few weeks, and what is being contemplated are big changes. I think you will be wise to make your big changes after he has proven, over time, that he has permanently changed.

Thank you.

From the start I liked the idea of moving to his country as I have not lived there yet, and it is an awesome place. However, when things were still amazing and he started mentioning opening a company there, and taking me with him, I was pissed. Told him he is not supposed to make life decisions for me.

Now, obviously, I will not move there with him, as I would need his help at the beginning and I do not find him reliable enough.

Having said that, it would not be my first time, of having a nice life in a country without speaking their language (with english only).

I like your spirit of independence and self-respect.

Keep and nurture those and you will make healthy decisions!

Nothing wrong with moving. Alone or with a guy. Nothing wrong wuth meeting families soon and nothing wrong wuth commiting to each other. My husband and I were engaged after 7 months of dating.

But that’s all fine only if there is mutual investment in a relationship and 100% commitment and mutual reliability. If a man isn’t reliable enough, I’d say it’s all just unrealistic day dreaming. People are either reliable or they aren’t.

No one needs to necessarily make quick commitment like marrying in 6 months but people need to be on the same page. Either both commited or both date casually otherwise it won’t work.

If you are commited to waiting how his therapy goes it’s ok but just make sure you don’t put your life on back burner and sit waiting for him.

Thanks so much. These replies mean a lot to me. I got here really good advice from really warm, kind and intelligent people. I do consider all of your words and take them very seriously. That is why I wrote here - to see all of it from a different perspective. Of course, you get only a bit of the truth - a bit of what happened, additionally filtered through my aching heart, and complex emotions. But you have been very helpful. Hugs everyone, and I will keep you updated If anyone cares to read my little dramma.

You are right, of course. I think he is proving me day after day that he is committed to this, and I am not a random fling. I care much more about his therapy, which I know he does for us, than for flowers, or any empty love words. I think his attempt at making it right is a big love sign.

We both realize we are a really good match. We love doing so many things together. When we talked about the past, about the future, about all these things, we are ridiculously similar, we lived ridiculously similar lives, we went through similar pain. We get each other.

I am not planning on waiting forever. As I said I am not looking too far in the future, but I recognize what he does and that is why I am still with him.

Maybe I am wrong, or maybe this is my lesson for the future. I will find out in time.

I dated a guy very much like this. How old is your guy? I actually dated a guy who also was a professional (and M.D.), good looking, had many hobbies and into sports, smart, fun, took me to great places... he just had it all. Except he was 52 and had never been married. He did have a kid but he never married the baby mama.

His excuse for never getting married was that he "always thought he would" but hadn't met the right one yet. He claimed he wanted to marry someone 10 years prior - but she was apparently influenced by her family to break it off with him due to a 14 year age difference. Well that was his story anyway.

I really fell for him but he never talked about making things exclusive, I wasn't sure if we were or weren't supposed to date others. After two months, it bugged me so I talked to him about it. He said he just wasn't sure he wanted someone telling him what to do. I then knew he wasn't going to commit to me or anyone else. Ever.

In order to save myself further pain, I cut things off. It was so so difficult. He would text me saying he wanted to see me. I kept thinking well maybe he will change his mind. But in my heart I knew it was a waste of my time. He was not going to commit. I could either keep it going and keep it casual (basically doing it on his terms), or stand up for what I want.

If you do continue with him, just assume it is on his terms. Unfortunately, it's a catch 22. If you go back, then he will be appeased and it will reinforce that he can continue. If you leave, you won't have him in your life. It just depends what is important to you. Now it's a year later, and I am overall glad that I cut things off. The guy is still single, still on dating sites, and he actually sent me a text "what are you up to?" at 11pm one night over the holidays. I sent him back an eyeroll emoji. Really, they do not change. We only fool ourselves into thinking they might.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

Hey, thanks. He is 34 like me.

I have finished the book called "Men who can't love", I am on "He's scared, she is scared" one now.

I am shocked by how accurate all of this it.

Anyway, as I have stated previously I would have left before, when I realized what was going on. I only stayed because he decided to get himself to a psychotherapy, which does not mean that I do not have doubts.

It is like dealing with Peter Pan. Do they grow up? Some of them just do not want to and then you need to run, run very fast to save yourself more heartache. But my question is: what If they really do want to grow up this time? What If this time they use tools which might actually really help them?

I remember he was telling me about his ex, who is full of anger, who is taking revenge until today. I hated her for being an ******hole and hurting him. I told this story to my aunt about this horrible girl. She told me then: do not judge, you have not heard her side of the story. When he told me honestly what happened I thought: I feel so sorry for that girl. I still think what she does is too much, to not be able to move on and hold on to hatred for more than a year, but still I understand her pain.