So this friend I have we name him Hank.
He like probably 40 now or some thing I'm 28.
I'm saying that so people are aware it's not say some teenager friendship. Again I say this because I have had pervious assumptions that I'm young or some thing.

Ok so I have knew Hank for a while from a art course we did. I stopped talking to him because he stopped talking to me during second year of the art course. Due to toxic teacher in the class that had favourites students to the point he would do people art work for there exam! Which is actually cheating. Well that teacher got into a lot of people minds how we are all vs each other and on competition at each other. I never thought it was right way to go into teaching since it created toxic vibes. It took 4 years but he was fired from his job.
Even the teachers who worked had issues with him among the teachers that they had to have a teacher meeting.

So when I started talking to him it was ok it was abit off and on conversations. I never meet him since art course.
I did stopped talking to him at 2016 because he told me it was "all in my head" that I felt everyone was against me at the art course. Also he try to make me leave me partner though manipulation. I had a friend at the time to check through this with me and she agreed he was doing it from the conversation I had with him on messager.

Now in the present after going to therapy for 3 years.
I thought to mend the realtionships because I thought I was being black and white to him. I had traits of Borderline Personality Disoder but it was never full blown BPD. Meaning some of the symptoms is reckless driving, taking drugs, and unsafe sex and self harm.
I only did self harm. No drugs or unsafe sex. Reckless driving um I drove when I was upset but I never drove fast. There other symptoms like fear of abandonment which yes I experience that and splitting so black and white thinking. Which I dont do so much anymore.
There is angry out burst but I never got angry I was more inwards in myself. Did uncontrollable crying.
So some times when I'm at the DBT group I dont really relate to the others as well accept say black and white thinking or some one is going to get better of you.
I dont even know what I experienced was actually full BPD or some thing else. Anyway I'm getting off track.

So I reached out and sent a apology message to them.
But when I speak to this guy he seems highly reactive and when I use the DBT skills the interpersonal skill he doesnt seem to respond to it. He either doesnt respond and goes quite or highly reactive. Or if you show vulnerability he doesn't seem to be able to take it well. It was same thing when I sent a message through another friend to send a apology to this friend I once had. I did a perfect Dear Man apology even my therapist said it was really good and heart felt but they just told my other friend they reply when they are ready. A month gone by and no reply. And this agurement we had was 2 years ago. 2 years ago I was in a real bad place. I had this inexperienced student therapist who did not understood BPD. My mental health went down hill increased self harm, suicidal thoughts and attempts. It was really horrific. It was only last year I had change of therapist that knew BPD and was able to help me. Yes I mentioned all that to that friend but just didnt respond. This "friend" is friends with Hank they had a history together. Where Hank cheated on his girl friend at that time and that friend was trying to make Hank leave his girlfriend. They went to the same art course I went too.

So there the history. I apologize if that was long winded.lol.

So I had this conversation with Hank on messager and this is what is said. What I'm thinking is through my DBT and learning about people who cant vaildate or are toxic people. I'm thinking he is one of those.

This is my message to him

TeaFruit - What I did not like was when he said
Um do you think I'm autistic or some thing? I just notice there was comparing me to your friend.

Hank - nope.
im just saying that so you know who im talking about.
if i said "my friend" then you'll start thinking anything
dont get defensive
it will defeat us talking again
theres nothing wrong with him having autism
hes actually extremely intelligent
im just mentioning that so u know im talking about the same person.

TeaFruit - I didnt mean to make an accusation. I felt labeled when I was told about your autistic friend. Because I felt judge that and that a person is more than there mental health condition. As you would understand like you said your friend is intelligent. It's not you it's me because I was constantly labeled in the past.

So I show my partner and I show him because I couldnt understand why Hank responded the way he did. I was abit upset. What we worked out is that Hank felt defensive. That he projected it on me when he said " dont get defensive" because I didnt felt defensive and this left me confused with his response. That he felt attacked by my message.
That we have learnt after pervious messages he doesnt know how he feels or able to vaildated. We thought this could explain why he is still single and his pervious relationships with women dont work out. His interpersonal skills aren't so great. But I dont think he is aware of this. Anyway the MAIN question here is when Hank said "it will defeat us talking again" I really felt threaten and feel I'm walking on eggs shells
I recalled him threatening this before years ago.

My question is would a true friend say "it will defeat us talking again" in a threatening way?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry yo have to put up with this, TeaFruit I have to admit I didn't understand some things. However, from what you wrote, I'd agree that he sounds like a toxic friend. He sounds manipulative and controlling. Trying to make you leave your partner is already a HUGE red flag by itself and should be more than enough. And no, it's not normal for a friend to make a threat like that. I'd definitely cut off contacts with him as soon as you can. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Remember that we're here for you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

[sarahsweets]

Hank:

Originally Posted by TeaFruit

I did stopped talking to him at 2016 because he told me it was "all in my head" that I felt everyone was against me at the art course. Also he try to make me leave me partner though manipulation. I had a friend at the time to check through this with me and she agreed he was doing it from the conversation I had with him on messager.

I do not see why you felt the need to rekindle this or make an apology. He sounds toxic and doesnt have your best interests at heart. It doesnt matter what you think you did, this right here is your red flag.

The friend of Hanks':

This "friend" is friends with Hank they had a history together. Where Hank cheated on his girl friend at that time and that friend was trying to make Hank leave his girlfriend. They went to the same art course I went too.

So hank who tries to get you to end a relationship manages to pick a friend who wants him to leave his relationship... I mean do you see the pattern? Neither of these people are good. And getting his friend involved I feel was unnecessary because its just opening yourself up to more toxicity.

[divine1966]

He sounds like bad news

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Hank:

I do not see why you felt the need to rekindle this or make an apology. He sounds toxic and doesnt have your best interests at heart. It doesnt matter what you think you did, this right here is your red flag.

The friend of Hanks':

So hank who tries to get you to end a relationship manages to pick a friend who wants him to leave his relationship... I mean do you see the pattern? Neither of these people are good. And getting his friend involved I feel was unnecessary because its just opening yourself up to more toxicity.

Hey thanks for your reply I really appreciate it and taking your time to read it.

I felt like I had to apologize because I thought it was my BPD. Because I cut everyone off when I'm upset with them. I thought it was all.my fault. But I learnt after couple days this guy got issues and liked to project a lot of what he feels on to me. But thank you saying what you said. I guess I just wanted to check with some people to see yeah Hank what he said wasnt nice at all.

Originally Posted by TeaFruit

My question is would a true friend say "it will defeat us talking again" in a threatening way?

Before we even get to that point, by just reading your history with him, I'd say you need to get as far as possible from this man.

And his act of threatening is also not ok.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by TeaFruit

So this friend I have we name him Hank.
He like probably 40 now or some thing I'm 28.
I'm saying that so people are aware it's not say some teenager friendship. Again I say this because I have had pervious assumptions that I'm young or some thing.

Ok so I have knew Hank for a while from a art course we did. I stopped talking to him because he stopped talking to me during second year of the art course. Due to toxic teacher in the class that had favourites students to the point he would do people art work for there exam! Which is actually cheating. Well that teacher got into a lot of people minds how we are all vs each other and on competition at each other. I never thought it was right way to go into teaching since it created toxic vibes. It took 4 years but he was fired from his job.
Even the teachers who worked had issues with him among the teachers that they had to have a teacher meeting.

So when I started talking to him it was ok it was abit off and on conversations. I never meet him since art course.
I did stopped talking to him at 2016 because he told me it was "all in my head" that I felt everyone was against me at the art course. Also he try to make me leave me partner though manipulation. I had a friend at the time to check through this with me and she agreed he was doing it from the conversation I had with him on messager.

Now in the present after going to therapy for 3 years.
I thought to mend the realtionships because I thought I was being black and white to him. I had traits of Borderline Personality Disoder but it was never full blown BPD. Meaning some of the symptoms is reckless driving, taking drugs, and unsafe sex and self harm.
I only did self harm. No drugs or unsafe sex. Reckless driving um I drove when I was upset but I never drove fast. There other symptoms like fear of abandonment which yes I experience that and splitting so black and white thinking. Which I dont do so much anymore.
There is angry out burst but I never got angry I was more inwards in myself. Did uncontrollable crying.
So some times when I'm at the DBT group I dont really relate to the others as well accept say black and white thinking or some one is going to get better of you.
I dont even know what I experienced was actually full BPD or some thing else. Anyway I'm getting off track.

So I reached out and sent a apology message to them.
But when I speak to this guy he seems highly reactive and when I use the DBT skills the interpersonal skill he doesnt seem to respond to it. He either doesnt respond and goes quite or highly reactive. Or if you show vulnerability he doesn't seem to be able to take it well. It was same thing when I sent a message through another friend to send a apology to this friend I once had. I did a perfect Dear Man apology even my therapist said it was really good and heart felt but they just told my other friend they reply when they are ready. A month gone by and no reply. And this agurement we had was 2 years ago. 2 years ago I was in a real bad place. I had this inexperienced student therapist who did not understood BPD. My mental health went down hill increased self harm, suicidal thoughts and attempts. It was really horrific. It was only last year I had change of therapist that knew BPD and was able to help me. Yes I mentioned all that to that friend but just didnt respond. This "friend" is friends with Hank they had a history together. Where Hank cheated on his girl friend at that time and that friend was trying to make Hank leave his girlfriend. They went to the same art course I went too.

So there the history. I apologize if that was long winded.lol.

So I had this conversation with Hank on messager and this is what is said. What I'm thinking is through my DBT and learning about people who cant vaildate or are toxic people. I'm thinking he is one of those.

This is my message to him

TeaFruit - What I did not like was when he said
Um do you think I'm autistic or some thing? I just notice there was comparing me to your friend.

Hank - nope.
im just saying that so you know who im talking about.
if i said "my friend" then you'll start thinking anything
dont get defensive
it will defeat us talking again
theres nothing wrong with him having autism
hes actually extremely intelligent
im just mentioning that so u know im talking about the same person.

TeaFruit - I didnt mean to make an accusation. I felt labeled when I was told about your autistic friend. Because I felt judge that and that a person is more than there mental health condition. As you would understand like you said your friend is intelligent. It's not you it's me because I was constantly labeled in the past.

So I show my partner and I show him because I couldnt understand why Hank responded the way he did. I was abit upset. What we worked out is that Hank felt defensive. That he projected it on me when he said " dont get defensive" because I didnt felt defensive and this left me confused with his response. That he felt attacked by my message.
That we have learnt after pervious messages he doesnt know how he feels or able to vaildated. We thought this could explain why he is still single and his pervious relationships with women dont work out. His interpersonal skills aren't so great. But I dont think he is aware of this. Anyway the MAIN question here is when Hank said "it will defeat us talking again" I really felt threaten and feel I'm walking on eggs shells
I recalled him threatening this before years ago.

My question is would a true friend say "it will defeat us talking again" in a threatening way?

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! It doesn't sound like he is a good friend. He sound toxic. It doesn't sound like he is willing to change. It probably best to leave.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry yo have to put up with this, TeaFruit I have to admit I didn't understand some things. However, from what you wrote, I'd agree that he sounds like a toxic friend. He sounds manipulative and controlling. Trying to make you leave your partner is already a HUGE red flag by itself and should be more than enough. And no, it's not normal for a friend to make a threat like that. I'd definitely cut off contacts with him as soon as you can. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Remember that we're here for you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

I agree!