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Buffy72 · Feb 07, 2019 at 02:13 AM

Has anyone experienced this issue?

I have known a gentleman for 50 years.
He and I became close friends after I divorced in 2003.
He was in a common-law situation at that time, but was considering leaving that relationship and dating me. Turned out that he did not move forward with me and remained with his CL woman.
He’s still with this woman today.
BUT, he still wants to be more than friends with me.
Yesterday, I found out that he is interested in a woman who just lost her husband from Alzheimer’s.
WTH? WTF?
This woman in which he is interested in is very wealthy.
I’m not wealthy but a simple person that loves life and non-materialism.
He lives beyond his means, but is wealthy, too.

My question is this....

Should I still be friends with this man, or is this my clue that he is just playing me?
Man, I’m really upset about this situation.
I feel like an idiot!

Thoughts?

Open Eyes · Feb 07, 2019 at 09:21 AM

It sounds like this man is lonely and his CL relationship doesn't really provide actual companionship for him. It could very well be that he is just drawn to women that he experiences some companionship with. It's a challenge in that a common law relationship can still allow the partner to take a lot of money and materialistic things and even can end up taking a portion of his retirement were he has to pay alimoney to support her.

Iloivar · Feb 07, 2019 at 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy72

Has anyone experienced this issue?

I have known a gentleman for 50 years.
He and I became close friends after I divorced in 2003.
He was in a common-law situation at that time, but was considering leaving that relationship and dating me. Turned out that he did not move forward with me and remained with his CL woman.
He’s still with this woman today.
BUT, he still wants to be more than friends with me.
Yesterday, I found out that he is interested in a woman who just lost her husband from Alzheimer’s.
WTH? WTF?
This woman in which he is interested in is very wealthy.
I’m not wealthy but a simple person that loves life and non-materialism.
He lives beyond his means, but is wealthy, too.

My question is this....

Should I still be friends with this man, or is this my clue that he is just playing me?
Man, I’m really upset about this situation.
I feel like an idiot!

Thoughts?

Did he know the woman beforehand? If so, Did he express interest with the woman before or after her husband was deceased?

What was the context in which he has expressed interest for you? Did you reciprocate at one point? Possess any feelings for him? If not, did you explicitly state boundaries on his liking towards you? If yes, that's concerning.

Additionally, it's debatable whether he's done anything questionable. Wanting to leave someone to be with another is better than the alternative, and being interested in a widow is fine, unless he makes malapropous advances to a grieving woman. I think more context is required if there is any, which is why i asked all those questions

Lastly you'e been close to this person for 16 years. That seems to be a long time to play someone. Clearly he has qualities that have made such a longlasting friendship possible. Even if he's a questionable figure, is he worth abandoning over the aforementioned?

Feb 07, 2019 at 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy72

Has anyone experienced this issue?

I have known a gentleman for 50 years.
He and I became close friends after I divorced in 2003.
He was in a common-law situation at that time, but was considering leaving that relationship and dating me. Turned out that he did not move forward with me and remained with his CL woman.
He’s still with this woman today.
BUT, he still wants to be more than friends with me.
Yesterday, I found out that he is interested in a woman who just lost her husband from Alzheimer’s.
WTH? WTF?
This woman in which he is interested in is very wealthy.
I’m not wealthy but a simple person that loves life and non-materialism.
He lives beyond his means, but is wealthy, too.

My question is this....

Should I still be friends with this man, or is this my clue that he is just playing me?
Man, I’m really upset about this situation.
I feel like an idiot!

Thoughts?

Hi Buffy, sorry this is happening. I would say that by this man's behavior, I can't tell you what to do but I'll tell you what I would do, and that's stop associating with him completely. It sounds like you both have different values (he values cheating on his mate, with you, and with other women). It sounds like you like him. Do you like him and have feelings for him? Nothing wrong with that but you will most likely feel hurt by him as you are not exclusive and not together. It sounds like that may bother you. Just wondering, have you been with him while he was still with his partner who he is with now? Regardless, I'd find better people and things to invest my time in. You are a kind soul here. I hope you find someone or something that feels worth it to you and that makes you happy. He doesn't sound like it.

s4ndm4n2006 · Feb 07, 2019 at 02:38 PM

honestly if he's in a common law relationship but pursuing others too, including you, go with your gut. I think you already know that this is not a man to be trusted and is not going to lead to anything good. if he's trying to be more than friends with you now, what makes you think that there is any reason he'll stop if you don't cut off communication with him? Besides would you want to be friends with another person of either gender that you know is basically planning on cheating on? I mean I would have a hard time being friends with someone that is openly doing that even if they weren't trying to make me their partner in adultery.

s4ndm4n2006 · Feb 07, 2019 at 02:44 PM

Added thought... and also an answer to your initial question whether anyone has experienced this, yes.

When I was a lot younger and met my first wife to be (mistake, I'll say ahead of time) she came onto me and I got her phone number etc. The first time we talked she admitted she was with someone, had a bf etc but implied she wanted to go out with me. I simply told her - when you're single and not involved with someone, I'll consider it.

Days later she tells me she broke up with her bf and we started dating at that time.

Unfortunately her willingness to do so initially was a red flag that I was too naïve to pay attention to and years later - after married for 6 yrs and many instances of suspicions she was called out by our child of four of being with other men. (daughter didn't know the difference just told daddy about her stays with other men...while our daughter was present!)

Likely his pursuit and interest in other women while still involved is a serious red flag anyway so I stand by my original comment to cut off communication and walk away.

MickeyCheeky · Feb 07, 2019 at 04:00 PM

I'm so sorry, Buffy72

I don't know if you should stay friends with him. I think the fact that he's still married but also chasing other woman is a red flag and that you should be very careful about it. That's just my opinion, though. The final decision is up to you. You could decide to stay friends with him, but if you notice any behavior that you find uncomfortable, I think you should stay away from him as much as you can. Just be careful. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard when things like this happen. Remember that we're here for you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Feb 07, 2019 at 07:16 PM

He's playing you. Leave the friendship and leave him behind you, no matter how hard it is. He strung you along, only to find yet another woman to string along too. Get out and find someone else who is a decent man, not a player.

divine1966 · Feb 08, 2019 at 06:05 AM

A man who is married or is in cohabitating relationship yet propositions to other women to become his mistress (you) and then pursues another woman (widow) isn’t the kind of man you need to waste your time on.

That’s only two women they you know of (you and a widow) but who knows how many others he either intents or is already screwing on the side.

Personally I’d be done with friendship that same day he propositioned to be “more than friends” while being with someone else. Decent people end relationships before pursuing others. Don’t waste your time on people with no decency

TishaBuv · Feb 08, 2019 at 07:08 AM

“Should I still be friends with this man, or is this my clue that he is just playing me?”

Didn’t you feel he was playing you right from the beginning when he told you he was ‘thinking about leaving her and pursuing you’?

In hindsight you now probably wish you told him, ‘When you leave her and still want to pursue me let me know.”

Did you think he was going to commit to you? From what you say it sounds like that was only your wishful thinking and he showed no intentions of doing.

Does this ‘friend’ bring so much to your life that you still want to keep this affair going on? If knowing he will never commit to you is enough to end all contact you are certainly doing yourself a favor to protect yourself from further harm.

healingme4me · Feb 08, 2019 at 07:13 PM

I do find it curious that he'd share this with you. To be played is a complex thing, in my opinion. It's like being backburnered and kept at a distance all the while feeding the need for emotional connection. It's like getting the best of all worlds for him while at the same time getting the best of none. If that makes sense?

Buffy72 · Feb 08, 2019 at 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It sounds like this man is lonely and his CL relationship doesn't really provide actual companionship for him. It could very well be that he is just drawn to women that he experiences some companionship with. It's a challenge in that a common law relationship can still allow the partner to take a lot of money and materialistic things and even can end up taking a portion of his retirement were he has to pay alimoney to support her.

I really want to be his companion, but I'm just finding out that I don not think that will EVER happen, due to the "common law" issues where he lives. This is sooooo sad because we (he and I), are so good FOR each other, TO each other and would make a great couple for life.
He isn't going to leave his CL for me, period, due to financial reasons.

SAD

sarahsweets · Feb 09, 2019 at 01:30 AM

He basically wants to cheat on his partner- nothing more to say.

Buffy72 · Feb 12, 2019 at 01:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I do find it curious that he'd share this with you. To be played is a complex thing, in my opinion. It's like being backburnered and kept at a distance all the while feeding the need for emotional connection. It's like getting the best of all worlds for him while at the same time getting the best of none. If that makes sense?

Yes, that makes sense to me.

s4ndm4n2006 · Feb 12, 2019 at 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy72

I really want to be his companion, but I'm just finding out that I don not think that will EVER happen, due to the "common law" issues where he lives. This is sooooo sad because we (he and I), are so good FOR each other, TO each other and would make a great couple for life.
He isn't going to leave his CL for me, period, due to financial reasons.

SAD

well if it makes you feel any better, if he were to leave his current mate for you, don't you think it implies he would likely do the same when he tired of you too? He likely isn't nearly as "good for you" as you might think.

divine1966 · Feb 12, 2019 at 01:34 PM

You might think he is good for you but he also expressing interest in
that wealthy widow and has audacity to tell you that. Plus he apparently stays in common law because of money. So who knows what he thinks and what’s his agenda. Sounds materiastic and dishonest to me. A man living off women and looking for sugar mommas isn’t a decent person.

Buffy01 · Feb 15, 2019 at 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy72

Has anyone experienced this issue?

I have known a gentleman for 50 years.
He and I became close friends after I divorced in 2003.
He was in a common-law situation at that time, but was considering leaving that relationship and dating me. Turned out that he did not move forward with me and remained with his CL woman.
He’s still with this woman today.
BUT, he still wants to be more than friends with me.
Yesterday, I found out that he is interested in a woman who just lost her husband from Alzheimer’s.
WTH? WTF?
This woman in which he is interested in is very wealthy.
I’m not wealthy but a simple person that loves life and non-materialism.
He lives beyond his means, but is wealthy, too.

My question is this....

Should I still be friends with this man, or is this my clue that he is just playing me?
Man, I’m really upset about this situation.
I feel like an idiot!

Thoughts?

It sound like he is playing with your emotions. He sound like a cheater and will probably cheated on you as well. I would dump him.

Crazy Hitch · Feb 16, 2019 at 05:24 AM

Just a quick question.

Where did you hear this from? Did he state these words to you directly or did someone else tell you? If it was the latter then you need to have a 1:1 conversation with him to figure out the truth.

MickeyCheeky · Feb 16, 2019 at 04:25 PM

How are you doing, Buffy72? I hope you're doing ok. It's been a while since you logged in. I hope you'll come back soon. I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. Take it one step at the time. Take baby steps. Remember that you're stronger than you think. You've got this. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I know things seem pretty bad right now but trust me when I say that they can get better. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Stay strong, Buffy72. I hope things will get better soon for you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

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Anonymous40643 Guest Posts: n/a	Feb 07, 2019 at 07:16 PM #8 He's playing you. Leave the friendship and leave him behind you, no matter how hard it is. He strung you along, only to find yet another woman to string along too. Get out and find someone else who is a decent man, not a player.
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healingme4me Perpetually Pondering Community Liaison Member Since Apr 2013 Location: New England Posts: 46,298 (SuperPoster!) 11 4,168 hugs given	Feb 08, 2019 at 07:13 PM #11 I do find it curious that he'd share this with you. To be played is a complex thing, in my opinion. It's like being backburnered and kept at a distance all the while feeding the need for emotional connection. It's like getting the best of all worlds for him while at the same time getting the best of none. If that makes sense?
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sarahsweets Threadtastic Postaholic Member Since Dec 2018 Location: New Jersey Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!) 5 192 hugs given	Feb 09, 2019 at 01:30 AM #13 He basically wants to cheat on his partner- nothing more to say. __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society.
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,369 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Feb 12, 2019 at 01:34 PM #16 You might think he is good for you but he also expressing interest in that wealthy widow and has audacity to tell you that. Plus he apparently stays in common law because of money. So who knows what he thinks and what’s his agenda. Sounds materiastic and dishonest to me. A man living off women and looking for sugar mommas isn’t a decent person.
	Reply With Quote

Crazy Hitch ɘvlovƎ Member Since Nov 2013 Location: Australia Posts: 18,567 (SuperPoster!) 10 12.6k hugs given	Feb 16, 2019 at 05:24 AM #18 Just a quick question. Where did you hear this from? Did he state these words to you directly or did someone else tell you? If it was the latter then you need to have a 1:1 conversation with him to figure out the truth.
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