My Husband’s Behavior.

From the outside looking in, my husband appears to be as close to perfect as you can get - at least in public. He takes great pride in developing this facade. I can’t decide if he simply needs validation or if he needs to sell this image to camouflage who he REALLY is.

Now, let me say, my husband has never been verbally or physically abusive; yet his ambivalence can be just as frustrating and hurtful. He has often said, “the one who brings up an issue is the one who has the problem.” He has major challenges communicating, so of course, I’m always the one who brings up ANY issue in our marriage. In short, I’m the one with the problem.

To be fair, henever developed coping skills, thanks to his parents, so any sign of confrontation, challenge or opposition, he gets extremely sensitive and defensive. He has even told me that I make him feel like he is a bad person. It doesn’t matter what he said or does, he only sees your reaction.

His parents were enablers, so nothing was ever his fault. They always changed the narrative in his favor, so he never had the opportunity to feel anger, sadness, remorse etc... They just wanted him to feel HAPPY all the time, which in my opinion, is totally delusional. He was never punished for bad grades, inappropriate language or any typical moronic teenage behavior. His parents always found an excuse to let him off the hook.

Now, we are experiencing some challenges in our marriage and of course everything is my fault. I have asked him to change certain behaviors, and as a result, he has startred to withhold affection. He will tell he loves me, but barely touches me. He’ll cook a romantic dinner for us, but won’t come to bed etc... Again, he gives the impression like everything is okay, but clearly it’s not.

So, we went out last night. While others were watching, he was very attentive. When it was just us, he was civil yet cold. I’m so confused. Not by want I see, but how I should manage his emotional vacillation. We have gone to counseling; he is alwYs cooperative about that, but I still keep wandering, “Am I a pawn in a game he’s playing?

Any feedback would be helpful.

I'm so sorry you're struggling, seriouslyfunny I agree he has some issues he needs to work on. How is couple counselling going? Are you seeing any improvements in his behavior? To be honest, I think individual therapy would be more appropriate for him, since he's clearly the one that needs to work on himself the most. Would he be willing to do that? I'd suggest to seriously talk to him about this and see how it goes. Hopefully he'll understand and accept to go to therapy. Make him understand that this is important. If he refuses to listen or to acknowledge that there's a problem, I think you seriously need to reconsider your relationship with that man. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard when this happens. Communication is an important part in every relationship, romantic or not, so if that doesn't happen I'm not sure how this is going to last. I hope things will get better soon. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. I hope you'll feel better soon. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

I'm sorry this is tough. I'm never been married, so I can't really advise you. I hope things get better.

I am sorry that you are struggling right now! I would make him accountable f or everytime he crossed a boundary.

That is great advice!

The one who bring up the issue is the one who has a problem? Wow. What a way to turn things back on the other person. He really is in avoidance mode. Chances are if he goes to therapy on his own he is going to paint a rosy picture of himself and you will be made to be the villan.

Go with him. Least the therapist will get both sides.

I would suggest counseling; if he won't go with you, then go for yourself.

Signs of emotional abuse:

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Name-calling. They’ll blatantly call you “stupid,” “a loser,” or words too awful to repeat here. Derogatory “pet names.” This is just more name-calling in not-so-subtle disguise. “My little knuckle dragger” or “My chubby pumpkin” aren’t terms of endearment. Character assassination. This usually involves the word “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up, disagreeable, and so on. Basically, they say you’re not a good person. Yelling. Yelling, screaming, and swearing are meant to intimidate and make you feel small and inconsequential. It might be accompanied by fist-pounding or throwing things. Patronizing. “Aw, sweetie, I know you try, but this is just beyond your understanding.” Public embarrassment. They pick fights, expose your secrets, or make fun of your shortcomings in public. Dismissiveness. You tell them about something that’s important to you and they say it’s nothing. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message. “Joking.” The jokes might have a grain of truth to them or be a complete fabrication. Either way, they make you look foolish. Sarcasm. Often just a dig in disguise. When you object, they claim to have been teasing and tell you to stop taking everything so seriously. Insults of your appearance. They tell you, just before you go out, that your hair is ugly or your outfit is clownish. Belittling your accomplishments. Your abuser might tell you that your achievements mean nothing, or they may even claim responsibility for your success. Put-downs of your interests. They might tell you that your hobby is a childish waste of time or you’re out of your league when you play sports. Really, it’s that they’d rather you not participate in activities without them. Pushing your buttons. Once your abuser knows about something that annoys you, they’ll bring it up or do it every chance they get.

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Threats. Telling you they’ll take the kids and disappear, or saying “There’s no telling what I might do.” Monitoring your whereabouts. They want to know where you are all the time and insist that you respond to calls or texts immediately. They might show up just to see if you’re where you’re supposed to be. Digital spying. They might check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log. They might even demand your passwords. Unilateral decision-making. They might close a joint bank account, cancel your doctor’s appointment, or speak with your boss without asking. Financial control. They might keep bank accounts in their name only and make you ask for money. You might be expected to account for every penny you spend. Lecturing. Belaboring your errors with long monologues makes it clear they think you’re beneath them. Direct orders. From “Get my dinner on the table now” to “Stop taking the pill,” orders are expected to be followed despite your plans to the contrary. Outbursts. You were told to cancel that outing with your friend or put the car in the garage, but didn’t, so now you have to put up with a red-faced tirade about how uncooperative you are. Treating you like a child. They tell you what to wear, what and how much to eat, or which friends you can see. Feigned helplessness. They may say they don’t know how to do something. Sometimes it’s easier to do it yourself than to explain it. They know this and take advantage of it. Unpredictability. They’ll explode with rage out of nowhere, suddenly shower you with affection, or become dark and moody at the drop of a hat to keep you walking on eggshells. They walk out. In a social situation, stomping out of the room leaves you holding the bag. At home, it’s a tool to keep the problem unresolved. Using others. Abusers may tell you that “everybody” thinks you’re crazy or “they all say” you’re wrong.

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Jealousy. They accuse you of flirting or cheating on them. Turning the tables. They say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain. Denying something you know is true. An abuser will deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. This is called gaslighting. It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity. Using guilt. They might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way. Goading then blaming. Abusers know just how to upset you. But once the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it. Denying their abuse. When you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought of it. Accusing you of abuse. They say you’re the one who has anger and control issues and they’re the helpless victim. Trivializing. When you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills. Saying you have no sense of humor. Abusers make personal jokes about you. If you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up. Blaming you for their problems. Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your fault. You’re not supportive enough, didn’t do enough, or stuck your nose where it didn’t belong. Destroying and denying. They might crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny it.

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Demanding respect. No perceived slight will go unpunished, and you’re expected to defer to them. But it’s a one-way street. Shutting down communication. They’ll ignore your attempts at conversation in person, by text, or by phone. Dehumanizing you. They’ll look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when they speak to you. Keeping you from socializing. Whenever you have plans to go out, they come up with a distraction or beg you not to go. Trying to come between you and your family. They’ll tell family members that you don’t want to see them or make excuses why you can’t attend family functions. Withholding affection. They won’t touch you, not even to hold your hand or pat you on the shoulder. They may refuse sexual relations to punish you or to get you to do something. Tuning you out. They’ll wave you off, change the subject, or just plain ignore you when you want to talk about your relationship. Actively working to turn others against you. They’ll tell co-workers, friends, and even your family that you’re unstable and prone to hysterics. Calling you needy. When you’re really down and out and reach out for support, they’ll tell you you’re too needy or the world can’t stop turning for your little problems. Interrupting. You’re on the phone or texting and they get in your face to let you know your attention should be on them. Indifference. They see you hurt or crying and do nothing. Disputing your feelings. Whatever you feel, they’ll say you’re wrong to feel that way or that’s not really what you feel at all.

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You might be codependent if you: are unhappy in the relationship, but fear alternatives consistently neglect your own needs for the sake of theirs ditch friends and sideline your family to please your partner frequently seek out your partner’s approval critique yourself through your abuser’s eyes, ignoring your own instincts make a lot of sacrifices to please the other person, but it’s not reciprocated would rather live in the current state of chaos than be alone bite your tongue and repress your feelings to keep the peace feel responsible and take the blame for something they did defend your abuser when others point out what’s happening try to “rescue” them from themselves feel guilty when you stand up for yourself think you deserve this treatment believe that nobody else could ever want to be with you change your behavior in response to guilt; your abuser says, “I can’t live without you,” so you stay

I am not saying your husband is 100% emotionally abusive but he does seem to have some of these signs and symptoms.

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Originally Posted by seriouslyfunny Now, let me say, my husband has never been verbally or physically abusive; yet his ambivalence can be just as frustrating and hurtful. He has often said, “the one who brings up an issue is the one who has the problem.” He has major challenges communicating, so of course, I’m always the one who brings up ANY issue in our marriage. In short, I’m the one with the problem.

How about the one who ignores the problem is the one with the problem?

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To be fair, he never developed coping skills, thanks to his parents, so any sign of confrontation, challenge or opposition, he gets extremely sensitive and defensive. He has even told me that I make him feel like he is a bad person. It doesn’t matter what he said or does, he only sees your reaction. His parents were enablers, so nothing was ever his fault. They always changed the narrative in his favor, so he never had the opportunity to feel anger, sadness, remorse etc... They just wanted him to feel HAPPY all the time, which in my opinion, is totally delusional. He was never punished for bad grades, inappropriate language or any typical moronic teenage behavior. His parents always found an excuse to let him off the hook.

Of course the way we were raised plays into our relationships with other people but it is not an excuse for our behavior.

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Now, we are experiencing some challenges in our marriage and of course everything is my fault. I have asked him to change certain behaviors, and as a result, he has startred to withhold affection. He will tell he loves me, but barely touches me. He’ll cook a romantic dinner for us, but won’t come to bed etc... Again, he gives the impression like everything is okay, but clearly it’s not.

People that are emotionally abusive are very concerned how they appear outwardly. They also use emotional neglect as a way to control the situation and avoid the problem.

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So, we went out last night. While others were watching, he was very attentive. When it was just us, he was civil yet cold. I’m so confused. Not by want I see, but how I should manage his emotional vacillation. We have gone to counseling; he is alwYs cooperative about that, but I still keep wandering, “Am I a pawn in a game he’s playing?

Like I said above one of the pervasive qualities of someone who is emotionally abusive is how they act outwardly to family and friends. Its another way of controlling the situation and confusing you. If you are confused by his behavior you are more likely to focus on yourself and what you "did" to cause him to withhold affection and emotional support that you seem to receive in front of other people.
Has he always been this way?

Hello Seriously Funny,

I am sorry you are experiencing marital problems. That sounds stressful and confusing for you

When you try to communicate with him about your concerns, are you coming from a calm and non-judgmental place or do you tend to say something when you are feeling charged and heated? For example, a person will likely respond differently to: "It drives me crazy when you ________" or "Why do you always _____?!I am so sick of it!" versus "Hey love, I'd like us to check-in with each other. When's a good time for you?" Then after you pick a time you sit next to him (not opposite) and start with several things you love about him (do you love him? That was an assumption I made since you are married) and then calmly follow with "When _______ happens in our relationship, I feel ________ so I would like us to work together in order to improve things. Nobody is perfect, right? I know I'm not! And I'd really like to hear things from your perspective too, love. I am sure there are things that I could be working on to improve for you too."

Have you brought up your views on his childhood and parents? I would strongly discourage you from doing that. Endeavoring to psychoanalyze one's partner is not the path to peace. And negative comments about our parents or upbringing generally don't go over well...if my partner commented negatively on my family I would not be too happy. I'm not assuming you did that but since you mentioned I thought it may be helpful to point that out. His upbringing is irrelevant to you, in essence, because only a trained professional can parse that out and only if your hub provides his consent for said professional to go there. Trying to do that yourself would likely add more tension and strain to the marriage. If that makes sense.

I think in your post you mentioned that he does go to therapy with you or did I misunderstand that? How is therapy going? What does the therapist suggest? I think it's a good sign that he participates in that...that does not sound like game-playing to me.

I'm not really sure why you are assuming that he's playing some sort of machiavellian game with you? Did I miss a piece? If he makes a lovely dinner for you but doesn't want to come to bed...perhaps there's a sexual or intimacy problem for him there? I mean I don't know. I'm just trying to help you troubleshoot.

Any relationship takes teamwork of course. You both need to contribute to the team effort. Stonewalling, if that's what he's doing, is actually a known predictor of serious marital breakdown.

Just so you know Seriously Funny, I always look at both sides in relationship troubles because there are always two people at the table. Though I am not negating or diminishing your frustration and concerns

Maybe you could fill in more info? How long has this been going on? How long have you been married? I assume things were good and loving at some point...did things slowly decline over time? What are the specific issues you are trying to resolve? What are the things you need to change on your side?

I wish you peace. Feel free to add more info or reply if you like

Thank you for your response. You are correct in the fact that I am usually upset when I confront him about an issue. My goal is always peace, but my husband is not really communicative: his father is an extremely quiet individual and his mother overcompensated by expressing his feeling for him (these are his words). So, when I try to express myself to him sometimes, I am countered with passivity or ambivalence. He will also wait for me to tell him what I think is wrong, so he can tell me how I’m assuming or how I have not given him the chance to open up because I am so impatient.

Recently, he did share with me that he has a perfectionist complex, which was exaserbated by his mother. She was a stay at home mom and everything had to be a certain way in order for her to feel purposeful. It would be remiss not to add that his father is an extremely intelligent man and to me, seeks every opportunity to minimize his mother’s intelligence or contributions, making her vigorously competitive, defensive and outspoken. If he did something less than perfect, she wouldn’t scold him but she would discourage him from doing it again so he wouldn’t be disappointed. He told me he feels inadequate and finds comfort in normalcy. He does not like change.

I empathize, but I do not enable. I believe if you have done something wrong to hurt your partner you should take accountability and not try to finagle your way out of the situation. I believe this to be his method of operation. It’s hard for him to accept that he has done anything wrong because his parents modeled this philosophy. He never got punished for anything as a child and to me did not learn consequence or have appropriate emotional cues because everything was rote.

You mentioned Machiavellian games. Let me give you an example of what I mean. Despite our communication problems, we do connect intimately. However, he recently told me he was not in the space for that type of interaction, due to our precarious state, and I appreciated his honesty. The next day, he was romantically playful,and I did not engage. I told him until we figure out our trajectory, we should refrain from exchanges of that sort. He said okay, but continued to cross the boundary. I still have not obliged. I think this is passive aggressive behavior. I think he just wanted to hurt me by saying he wasn’t interested. Then, when I didn’t get upset or react negatively, he started playing games to lure me. When I didn’t take the bait, he called me cold.

To his credit, he is trying to be more expressive. He is trying to identify his emotions and communicate them. However, in holding him accountable and not engaging, I feel like my marriage has evolved into some sort of chess game.

It’s so confusing at times. After my last post, I did talk to him about separating, but he said we could make it work with some patience, prayer and understanding. Certainly, this is everything I wanted to hear; unfortunately, I doubt his sincerity.

What about talking to an experienced marriage therapist? I can't remember if you said whether you tried that already.

Sorry you are struggling Seriously Funny. I wish you peace.