[pensive2019]

I'm 49 years old and just now starting to get an understanding of who I am. I was married for nearly 20 years and have now been divorced for nearly 4 years. I have three children - two are adults and one is in 6th grade.

I was raised mainly by a narcissistic mother who neglected me in favor of her verbally abusive boyfriend (he was later diagnosed with mental illness). My entire childhood was about walking a line so that my mom would accept me, and that her boyfriend would not verbally abuse me. My mom would tell me to watch what I said around him because I could set him off - so that gives you an indicated of what life was like. He was portrayed as someone very wise, and special and we should be grateful that he chose to live with us. Meanwhile he never worked, my mom supported him financially, and he often threatened physical harm when he got upset (he never did physically hurt anyone, but I still have an image in my head of him charging at us to scare us).

I got married at 27 to a guy who had all of the opposite traits of my stepfather. He was 10 years older, a financial executive, educated and most importantly he didn't verbally abuse me. He was soft spoken and had almost effeminate characteristics. I was never physically attracted to him but talked myself into marrying him after only 10 months of dating. He pushed for marriage and kids and I wanted those things too. We had three children but our marriage was rocky - very one sided. He didn't want me to work even though I had a college degree and he seemed overly protective of me, almost in a paternal way. I loved it at the time, I thought it was security. Over time, I recognized it as him being controlling. He began to get more controlling as time went on, and I became more unhappy with the marriage. Counseling didn't really help, and we just argued all the time. As I entered my 40s, I no longer wanted a "parent" as a spouse, I wanted an equal partnership. We divorced 4 years ago and it was an ugly divorce - not amicable at all.

I thought I would date and eventually meet someone who was right for me. I have dated 5 people in the past 4 years - none for more than 2 months, and most were "on and off" relationships, where communication from them was spotty. I began to realize I needed to do some work. I went to counseling and that helped but what really opened my eyes has been following some blogs and social media accounts that discuss empaths. I largely identify with those characteristics of an empath, and I can see how my childhood would have brought me to that. I always had to walk a line, could never have my own identity or opinions, and was labeled a "difficult child" by my mom whenever I expressed and opinion that didn't support her own views.

So I am wondering, can anyone else tell me if they have identified as an empath and have there been any consequences? I am truly struggling right now. The biggest issue for me as been my tendency in recent years to isolate myself. I didn't know until very recently that empaths often do this, because they find human connection to be very taxing... I have never known any different. I have always felt overwhelmed by friends, for example, so I have a few but I often make excuses not to do things socially. It's not that I want to be alone - but I find it easier. I am currently enrolled in graduate school pursuing a Master's in my field. So when I'm invited to do something social, or if friends want to come by, I say I can't because i have to study. Or I have to work. Or i have something I need to do with my kids. The times that I do go out of my house to see people or engage socially, I often feel I am there to make others feel good. I try not to be a burden, and I don't express my opinion, and I know this is all self-imposed but the fear of rejection is just too overwhelming.

The only exception is that I do things with my kids often. Naturally I feel comfortable with my two adult kids, and my younger child of course, but I think I am relying TOO much on my kids. They have become a crutch for me.

I have also stopped dating for now, because my relationships have ended with the guy either losing interest in me, or choosing someone else to date. That too has become so painful. It's just easier to stay home or do something with my kids. Well meaning friends ask me why I am single. That makes me feel very self conscious, because I don't WANT to be single.

I have activities that I like, but I generally pursue them by myself. Yet I want to be with people - if that makes sense. I really struggle with it and don't know how to overcome it.

There's a lot of "where do I go from here?" in my head, and when it becomes too overwhelming to think about, I just end up staying home... or doing things by myself, essentially trying to escape being with other people. I like to think there is someone out there for me - although I am not in a rush, and I know that I am fine without a partner. Having dated and generally being disappointed by the men I dated, I don't know if I want to invest the time and energy into it like I did before. Can anyone relate? I think I am rambling at this point...

[Open Eyes]

It sounds to me from what you have shared is that your life has been mostly about giving up a lot of control to your ex and spending most of your time raising your children. It's simply what you know HOW to do. Making friends and feeling free to just be yourself is alien to you right now. It's pretty normal considering what you have shared. You probably were alone a lot before when you were married and busy raising your children, you just didn't realize it the way you are now.

I think it's a good start that you have gone back to school to get your masters. It's high time that you did something for yourself like this. Give yourself some time to adjust more to embracing yourself, remember that this really isn't something you ever really did for pretty much most of your life. You really don't have to be in a relationship with someone else, it's really OK to develop a relationship with yourself and finally develop your own personal identity. It sounds from what you shared that you got good at being a codependent unknowingly.

It's actually not a crime if you decide you don't want to commit to another relationship. Give yourself time to slowly work away on yourself and get your degree and then use that degree FOR YOURSELF.

[Skeezyks]

Hello pensive: I don't know as I really have much of anything to offer here. But I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

Here's a link to an article, from Psych Central's archives, that talks about where to go when you don't know where to go. Next are links to 3 articles that offer suggestions for what to do when you feel lost. I don't know as being "lost" is really quite the appropriate descriptor for where you're at in life. After all, it sounds like you have 3 great kids & you're pursuing a master's degree. However perhaps some of the ideas in these articles can help to address that "where do I go from here" feeling. Also included are links to 2 articles that talk about making friends plus one on the subject of the self-confidence formula for women:

Where to Go When You Don't Know Where to Go | Mentoring and Recovery

When You Feel Lost or Disconnected from Yourself

Feeling Lost in Life: A Learning Opportunity

Feeling Lost? How to Find Yourself and Get Back on Track | Change Your Mind, Change Your Life

How To Make Friends, or At Least Think About It More Clearly

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-tips...aking-friends/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-sel...ula-for-women/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Hi Pensive. I agree with Open Eyes to take it slow. Could it be that you enjoy time alone because you are an introvert and not because you are an empath? Either way, don't put too much pressure on yourself. If you think "I have to go to such and such social events," it's going to become more of a burden for you.