[SorryShaped]

I'm with her, but not in love with her. She loves me, but I don't love me. At this point in time, I don't even like me. I've become miserable. I used to be ok with me, but I've been back to looking for a way out for months. I tell my therapist this, and he says something akin to "see you in a few weeks." I haven't anyone I can tell this to outside of these forums. I feel bad because it will REALLY be hurtful when I do break it off. My kids will hold it against me. I know I need to break it off, desperately, or do something desperate. This was supposed to be two people physically using each other whom they thought were safe, but she's far too attached and I'm farthest from it. I just don't like being alone or not having sex. How can I end this?

[TishaBuv]

Are you sure you really want to end it? Are you sure you really aren’t in love with her? Could you just be pushing her away because of your own issues? (This was my issue)

As for ending it, there’s no easy way. Be honest and gentle.

[SorryShaped]

I look at her and don't feel anything. I think about her, and feel nothing. I do however feel bad, because I don't want to hurt anyone. Yet, this seems cruel and wrong.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, SorryShaped! It can certainly be very difficult when you realize that you don't truly love your partner. I completely agree with what TishaBuy has already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest you to listen to her as much as you can if you want to! She always gives such GREAT advice to everyone like in this case! I completely agree with what TishaBuy has already wisely said about being gentel but honest. Unfortunately I'm afraid there's no other way to do that. The truth can be very hard sometimes but I think it's the best thing to do for yourself and your family if you feel like this. Your kids may be disappointed at first, but I'm sure they'll understand when they grow older and that they'll understand that you're doing this for them as well! You're NOT a cruel or "wrong" person! I understand why you may not want to hurt them, but think of what the alternative may be. What would happen if they found out later? They may feel even more hurt than they would if you DID tell the truth right now. i understand it's not an easy decision to make. Take your time, but please DO consider it! Just remember to take all the time you need! Just remember to take things one step at the time! Just remember to take baby steps! Just remember to do ALL of this and I'm SURE you'll find the courage and strength to tell the truth to your kids and your wife and that you'll understand whatis the best thing that you can do for yourself and your family! It WON'T be easy. It WILL take time. But it CAN be done! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let us know if there's anything, ANYTHING AT ALL that we can do to help YOU! Just mention it and we'll try to do our best to help YOU! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! It's certainly not easy! You don't deserve to suffer AT ALL! Nobody deserves to suffer AT ALL, certainly not such a caring, genterous, gentle, kind, sweet, wise and wonderful person like YOU ARE! I'm so sorry you have to deal with ALL OF THIS, SorryShaped!

[Open Eyes]

At least you have been able to articulate that you struggle with caring about or loving yourself. It's definitely hard to have feelings for someone else in a healthy way when one doesn't even have their own sense of self worth. It's good that you have concern about hurting this woman. I think that you will have to sit with her and find a way to explain to her how you feel and you can do that where you emphasize that you care about her as a person but that you don't want her to commit to you in a way that isn't in her best interests. It sounds like this relationship was more of a friends with benefits relationship and not something where that was supposed to end up being a committed relationship where she would begin to expect more from you than you are capable of giving to her. Often these friends with benefits relationships are relationships that happen where both partners struggle with "selve love" and they have already broken off from a relationship that was not healthy or functioning for them.

You can impress on her that you are only being honest with her because you genuinely don't want to hurt or mislead her. Also, impress on her that it's not her lack of value either, but that you simply don't have your own sense of personal value and committing would be a mistake for both of you.

[SorryShaped]

We have had that talk in the past. This is my ex-wife we're talking about. I've heard her say in the night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, how much she loves me. The kids are adults but all have varying degrees of mental difficulties. I know better than to be with her, but I do it anyway -- out of familiarity and loneliness.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, sorry, I had not realized you got back together with your ex wife. So, you went back to the familiar but that still doesn't help you when it comes to your own lack of self value. You are not existing for self in this relationship, just fitting into someone else's life needs.

Have you talked about this with your therapist?

Often it's easier to fall back into an old pattern because there can at least be comfort in that it's predictable. Human beings like it when it's predictible, it serves to reduce stress and it requires less in terms of having to exert as much in terms of constantly facing challenges and problem solving constantly.

[SorryShaped]

I'm predicably tired, angry at myself, depressed, trapped, self-loathing, and lots of other negatives I can't figure out how to say. These are all things I was when I was married. I suppose that I deserve what I got because I did what I did. Karma.

Karma isn't what you think it is, SorryShaped. Karma is an action action, not a result. The future is not set in stone. You can change the course of your life right now by changing your volitional(intentional) acts and self-destructive patterns. Karma definition: Most people are wrong about the meaning