I Need Advice

I'm not sure if I could ever be friends with her. Lately my ex husbands girlfriend has been try to be my friend but I'm not sure if I could ever be friends with her because 1. There is apart of me that still holds it against her that she was part of the reason that my marriage ended, and 2. I don't feel like I can trust her because of that. I'm trying to decide if I should tell her that I don't want to be friends but I do want to be civil with her, or if I should try harder to get over my negative feelings over her so I can have her as a friend. I could really use any advice that anyone can give me.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Betrayed92 I'd suggest to just be honest with her. It is a difficult situation, after all. Being with her could be too overwhelming for you, and you probably need some time to get over it before you can start to forgive her, if you want. That's perfectly understandable. Especially if the marriage has recently ended. Just tell her that you don't feel like being her friend after all, for the reasons you have already told us here. Hopefully she will understand. You don't have any obligation to be her friend, after all. So yes, I do believe that you should just be honest with her. Be kind, but firm in your decision. If you change your mind and you want to try to be friends with her, you can always tell her so, I believe. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope you'll feel better soon. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

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Originally Posted by Betrayed92 I'm not sure if I could ever be friends with her. Lately my ex husbands girlfriend has been try to be my friend but I'm not sure if I could ever be friends with her because 1. There is apart of me that still holds it against her that she was part of the reason that my marriage ended, and 2. I don't feel like I can trust her because of that. I'm trying to decide if I should tell her that I don't want to be friends but I do want to be civil with her, or if I should try harder to get over my negative feelings over her so I can have her as a friend. I could really use any advice that anyone can give me.

The questions are: Do you want her as a friend? What could you get out of having her as a friend? Is your ex husband still with this woman? Personally I think you are totally justified and right about being wary of having her as a friend. What is she thinking? Does she really think you could trust her after she was the cause of your marriage breakup? I would be looking for an ulterior motive.. I mean it just shows how obtuse she can be for not even thinking of how you would feel being friends with her. Is she even sorry? If she is she should know that this only rubs salt in old wounds. I would not do it. Its a recipe for disaster IMO.

why would you even concern yourself with befriending an ex's girlfriend? I might be missing something here but you're exes because of a difference of any number of things, like lifestyle, behavior and most likely choice of friends. I don't see it being anything that is necessary, let alone really beneficial to your situation now.

In the case that you have children with the ex, being involved to the point of sharing parenting is one thing but even then civil is about the extent of the need. Being friends with an ex isn't necessarily bad but isn't something that has to happen in most cases, if there are not children at all in the situation. If there are reasons you have to be involved in your ex's life, then really being appropriately civil is about as much as one could expect you to be especially involving the woman that had something to do with the demise of your past marriage.

YOU do not need to get over anything related to your feelings in order to benefit this girlfriend of his. Sure getting past resentment is good for you but the motivator should be for your own growth and not about being friends with her.

Find your own friends, please move on and be independent of these people and move on.

Do you have children with this man and she is a stepmom to your kids? Even then I dm not sure why you need to be friends, just being civil is enough. My ex and his wife are on friendly terms with me and we co parented for years and she has nothing to do with our divorce yet I wouldn’t say we are friends per se. I see no reason to befriend ex’s new girlfriend.

Why would you want to be her friend? I certainly would not. If there are kids involved then certainly you want to be friend-LY but no reason to be her friend.

Not a good idea if she's the one who wrecked your home. It would be different if she met your ex a while after you two split.

She's got some nerve to be asking to be your friend. If anything, she should be asking for your forgiveness. And if she felt any remorse about the past, she would know that she is not worthy to be asking for your friendship.

A sincere apology must come from her first, before you can even consider her request.

That would be true with any of your friendships, right? If one of your friends did something detrimental to your family, you would require a true apology from her before you can consider resuming a friendship with her.

Hugs to you.

I’ve never spoken to / formally met my ex husbands mistress / current wife. I have absolutely no intention of EVER meeting her.

First, I want to thank everyone who replied to my OP. I think that I'm going to just go with my heart and just tell her that I don't want be her friend. I just can't trust her enough to have her as a friend not just because of what happened with my ex but because I feel like she has an ulterior motive that I haven't figured out yet. I also feel I need more time to let go of my negative feelings toward her even though she has apologized to me. I'm just going to continue to be civil toward her so we can continue to co-parenting my daughter with my ex. I'm going to tell her in the nicest way possible and hopefully she will take it well.

Since you do have a kid with your ex it’s beneficial for a kid if you are cordial and civil. Friendship isn’t required. Also you’ll be co parenting with your ex not his girlfriend. She isn’t even a stepmom to your kid. Girlfriends come and go. Don’t worry if she takes it well or not. She has a nerve to even ask. I’d suspect she has ulterior motives

I’d only act cordial and just brush off her attempts at friendship and NOT tell her what you plan to say.

I think that might be a better thing to do, because now that I think about it would probably be best. If I don't say what I'm thinking about telling her because anything that I say to her could cause a lot of drama, and I want to avoid that. So for now I'm just going to keep just being cordial to her, and just brush her off when she try's to be friends with me. I think that's the best way I can handle this.

Being civil with her is a real good idea. Cultivating a friendship with her is not.

How much you have to do with her depends, somewhat, on if you and your ex have kids together. I don't know whether or not you do. Even if you did, "civil" is about as far as I would go. "Civil" preserves your dignity and actually conserves your own mental energy and minimizes your stress - now and in years to come. "Friendship" is inappropriate and opens you up to ongoing drama, now and down the line, that in no way enhances the quality of your life. I haven't yet read this whole thread, so I'm sorry if I've missed some relevant information. But my advice still stands regardless. Would I trust a woman who got involved (or stayed involved) with a man, after finding out he was married to me? H€II no! Not saying she's a totally bad person - I don't know her. But here's what I do know: she believes down in the deepest part of her soul that you did not deserve the man you were married to, and she did. That pretty much would eliminate her as a potential friend to me, if I was you. Your ex-husband also believes that. Those two, for the rest of their time together, will be looking for evidence to support that belief. You don't need that. Any sweet conversations she might have with you are very different from the way your ex and her discuss you went they are alone together. So right there is an element of phoniness built in to any relationship you would have with her.

If you are lonely and in need of more friendship in your life, then do something constructive about that . . . but not this. It would make you kind of pathetic.

It can be tempting, after losing a marriage, to want to take advantage of opportunities to know what's going on in your ex's life. It's also very unhealthy. It's a way of refusing to "let go." Don't do that to yourself. Stop clinging to what is not yours anymore. Move on and move forward.

Be careful, also, of how you define "civil." Don't overdo that. "Civil" means that you see this woman when circumstances force you to. You don't listen to her problems, and you don't tell her yours. You comment on the weather and keep the conversation quite superficial. That's what "small talk" was invented for - a way of being pleasant without opening up to much.

Good luck. Save your friendship for persons who can bring something good into your life. In your heart this lady will always be associated with great pain. Don't embrace that.

Good for you! Always trust your gut instinct.