Husband Walked Out

I have to comment on you “giving up”. It’s not you “giving up” it’s you protecting your sanity and your future because if you stick around abuse will escalate. Plus he doesn’t sound like he wants to be married either. So your family can’t expect you to live this way!

Some people either get treated and acknowledge they have a problem, or just don't. My fiance showed signs of bi polar disorder, along with narcissism. I stayed for three years encouraging him to seek treatment. Meanwhile, he forced me off my medication through mind games and verbal abuse(he would randomly go "sniff sniff" implying he thought I looked high and snorted coke, or he would refuse to talk to me and say I looked "drugged out"). He slowly ate away at my self identity and worth until I was pretty much just a hot mess. Then it became a very dangerous game of "I am fine, you're not". I ended up the "unstable" one, I ended up the nut case. Then when I told him to sod off, and that I acknowledge I have some issues and I will be treating myself accordingly he now says he wants to help and says it is a "step" for me because of my issues.

Do you make enough at your job where you could rent a room or an apartment near there and use public transit? Uber, taxi, bus, or even walk. Make a plan NOW because he is showing dangerous signs of being ready to walk out on you. If it is just a part time job, start contacting friends and family who would be willing to take you in and then leave your job and stabilize yourself somewhere else. Do not stay in a toxic relationship for a job.

I think Doglover was referring to borderline personality disorder (BPD). (Just as a side note, bipolar is a big challenge, but it does not make people dysfunctional in relationships.) Borderline however, tends to figure heavily in relationships. It is a disordered way of dealing with the world.

BUT. It does not matter one iota WHAT his issue is. He is abusive. PERIOD. That's all you need to know. Don't fall into the trap of trying to figure out what his problem is (I don't think you are, but just in case --don't go there) and "fix" them, because it is an utter waste of time and energy, time and energy that are needed to help YOU.

Now, onto helping you. I hope you do consider reaching out to your family. Try not to predict their reaction. Think of it this way -- Would they seriously want you to be abused?? Even *if* their reaction is less than ideal, I'm guessing they'll step up to the plate.

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I just want to add that considering that you already struggle with anxiety that dealing with your husband's imaturity and how he reacts to your challenge is not going to contribute to your healing and gaining on your ability to overcome your challenges in this area.

In all honesty, I pretty much figured that one of the reasons you stopped responding in your thread was due to his suddenly deciding he was not going to leave you. So, you gave in, yet, you found out within about three days that he was once again going to treat you badly and once again threaten to leave you. This is NOT healthy for you and can make your anxiety challenges even worse. I can see you are very young and naive yet and your self esteem is very low. The last thing you need is someone who makes that even worse.

You say you are in therapy, have you shared this challenge in therapy?

Yes. Some people with BPD manage it with therapy and medication, but he is refusing to get help, and therefore he will not get better.

Doglover, if he is not getting better, then he is going to get worse. You may want to leave before more damage is done by him.

Good question!

I'm sorry that this has happened to you!

I know the difference between BPD and bi polar disorder. I was stating that my ex had prominent issues that he wouldn't address one of which was what I believed was untreated bi polar disorder.. Abusers usually do have untreated disorders, and are not readily able to admit they need assistance. My ex would wake up and spend endless hours working in the middle of the night, and also would get going with large ideas and just never follow through. While this persay would not cause a relationship malfunction, when co-morbid with something else it can be devastating.

I think you should seek out help from your parents. As someone else said, you are assuming they are going to give you a hard time about it, but you can't be sure that will be their reaction. And, even so, isn't that a small problem compared to staying in an unhealthy relationship?

I have been gaslighted like this, too! How can crying be a method of abuse?

Bottom line...even if they would mock you (which in REALITY is highly unlikely)....which is worse? Being emotionally abused for the rest of your married life (or maybe until he actually leaves you anyway).

Sometimes we blow it & don't understand the red flags that are smacking us in the face before the wedding because we have no idea how the consequences are going to play out in real life. When we actually see it we need to take action, not make excuses for their behavior & especially not accept blame of their behavior on us.

Wow. I've spent a long time thinking about all this, Doglover -- and what I am hearing from your H is this, in sum:

"YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!"

I honestly cannot see any healthy way to be in close relationship with such a person. Holycrow. I would NOPE Outta there so fast!

Be the constant whipping-post for such a person is damaging in the extreme. IMO, the longer you stay around him the more damage you will sustain and the unhealthier you will become -- and the more inadequate you will feel. Not what you want for long term goals, no?

Just my thoughts. The best to you.

Chyia, just saying

Hang in there, Doglover. Not an easy time for you, no?

How are you doing, Doglover? Thinking of you.

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

It sounds like you are still quite bitter over the last guy breaking your heart by cheating. I can understand that. So you're going around with your abdominal muscles braced in anticipation of the next kick in the gut. That remark about TV characters was a barely veiled comment about something else. You were saying that you hate how much men cheat. You're kind of mad at men in general. At least that's how it sounds. I think you've kind of told your guy that he better restore your ability to trust. He hasn't managed to do that, and you're kind of ticked off that he hasn't made you whole again. You're tired of feeling broken. You are sort of blaming him that you still feel that way.

Call him up and say you're sorry. No man with anything on the ball wants to spend his life making up to you for the hurt caused by another man. It's not fair.

I doubt that the whole thing is really about the tv show. In her posts here and I think other threads OP described a guy who treats her poorly and doesn’t really want to be with her. Heck he told her shortly before wedding that he doesn’t even to be married and only does it to please his parents. I don’t think it would be wise to apologize to him for HIS wrong doings. She is already treated as a doormat.

I hope OP comes back to update us

In that case, he's hardly worth keeping. So the real issue is why be with guys like that. No wonder she has no trust. This guy sounds no better than the last.

Finding a good man can be quite a hunt. I've been with some lulus myself. But there are good men in this world.