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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:27 AM
  #41
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
What he said makes no sense... the two ppl in the movie were in bed together. So he thinks it's OK to be in bed with another woman IF he's not attracted to her and doesn't have feelings for her? It's still not Ok, in my opinion. Why go there? And trust me, the man is always attracted to sex, even if she's not attractive.

Yes, you need to get to the bottom of this with him, and if he returns.

Why do you think he cannot deal with you anymore? What else has happened? Do you fight a lot?

Seriously? do we even know what was going on in the movie? Depends on the situation

I take offense to this BS:
Quote:
"And trust me, the man is always attracted to sex, even if she's not attractive. "

Ummm... no. is that not an insulting statement to men everywhere? Seriously we are not walking sex monsters who only think of this... that's a scary way to talk about men and no wonder you would assume a woman is never safe with a man in a hotel room because. quite honestly it sounds like in your view men are simple minded sex fiends that can't help themselves. Sorry but that's really really insulting.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:28 AM
  #42
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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
OUt of context, it's quite simplistic to say that it is cheating. In a situation where people were forced to stay in the same room and SLEPT in the same bed is not cheating. Cheating is being involved either emotionally or sexually or both with a woman and staying in a hotel room in that case is not the definition of cheating. its the emotional or sexual involvement which wouldn't even require a hotel room to carry out.

Being in the same bed with a woman is indeed, not cheating. In and of itself it's an act of resting. But without all of the other qualifications of cheating being given about the show or movie, it's not automatically cheating to me.
The problem is that the character in the show had feelings for this woman, was doing it behind his wife’s back, kissed this woman, and watched her as she walked around the room naked and teasing him. He did all of it behind his wife’s back. To me, that is an emotional affair at the very least. My husband did not agree.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:32 AM
  #43
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It's emotional abuse on HIS part to tell you that you cannot cry and have emotions in response TO HIS HARM TOWARDS YOU.

The more you tell us, the more I believe that he is an abuser and that this is an emotionally abusive relationship for you.
Yeah, to him that’s the biggest problem. He actually said last night that my problems compared to his is like 90% on my end and 10% on his. I don’t understand how he can do this to me if he loves me like he says he does. I keep going back and forth between believing that I deserve this and not believing it. I’m so hurt.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:34 AM
  #44
The details of the show are down below. I appreciate devils advocacy at the same time this is about the OPs husband storming off and threatening to go move in with his parents and telling her that she's this that and the other thing. To change or else.
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OUt of context, it's quite simplistic to say that it is cheating. In a situation where people were forced to stay in the same room and SLEPT in the same bed is not cheating. Cheating is being involved either emotionally or sexually or both with a woman and staying in a hotel room in that case is not the definition of cheating. its the emotional or sexual involvement which wouldn't even require a hotel room to carry out.

Being in the same bed with a woman is indeed, not cheating. In and of itself it's an act of resting. But without all of the other qualifications of cheating being given about the show or movie, it's not automatically cheating to me.
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The problem is that the character in the show had feelings for this woman, was doing it behind his wife’s back, kissed this woman, and watched her as she walked around the room naked and teasing him. He did all of it behind his wife’s back. To me, that is an emotional affair at the very least. My husband did not agree.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:36 AM
  #45
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I think the fact that he is mean to you to the point of you crying sounds like it could be abuse. Commonly, abusers accuse their loved ones of abuse, when THEY are the abuser.

I agree with the above posters that his reactions are extreme. He is emotionally threatening that he will leave unless you change. Change the fact that you get upset when he is mean to you??????? This sounds like a form of emotional CONTROL over you.

I am smelling abuse on his part.
He says that I shouldn’t take the things he says so seriously and freak out so much. I really try not to, but I’m a very sensitive person and he can be very harsh.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:36 AM
  #46
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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
Seriously? do we even know what was going on in the movie? Depends on the situation

I take offense to this BS:

Ummm... no. is that not an insulting statement to men everywhere? Seriously we are not walking sex monsters who only think of this... that's a scary way to talk about men and no wonder you would assume a woman is never safe with a man in a hotel room because. quite honestly it sounds like in your view men are simple minded sex fiends that can't help themselves. Sorry but that's really really insulting.
sorry to insult you, however, that is my experience with men and in my entire life and I am 48. Every male I've known has told me that they would be interested in sex with a woman because she is of the opposite sex.

Please don't try to get into an argument with me over this. This is beside the point and detracts from the main issue the OP is now having.

Seriously, what is your problem? You're a PC chat leader even. Be more mature and adult like than this. Trying to get into an argument? PLEASE. I find your post to be very toxic and off-putting.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:38 AM
  #47
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Originally Posted by Doglover6335 View Post
The problem is that the character in the show had feelings for this woman, was doing it behind his wife’s back, kissed this woman, and watched her as she walked around the room naked and teasing him. He did all of it behind his wife’s back. To me, that is an emotional affair at the very least. My husband did not agree.
Thank you for that clarification. I would disagree with your husband at this point.

But that's not the problem here as much as what is causing him to state that he's giving up on you.

Has he done this in arguments before?
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:38 AM
  #48
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The details of the show are down below. I appreciate devils advocacy at the same time this is about the OPs husband storming off and threatening to go move in with his parents and telling her that she's this that and the other thing. To change or else.
Yeah, the initial argument is secondary to the fact that he walked out and plans to leave me, in my opinion. I keep going back to the details of that argument but it’s not helping me see why he left me.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:39 AM
  #49
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He says that I shouldn’t take the things he says so seriously and freak out so much. I really try not to, but I’m a very sensitive person and he can be very harsh.
What kind of mean things has he said to you? Can you give an example? It is totally understandable that you would have a negative and emotional reaction to him being cruel towards you! Please know this. And to the point of breaking down into sobbing tears? It must be pretty bad, what he says to you.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:40 AM
  #50
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sorry to insult you, however, that is my experience with men and in my entire life and I am 48. Every male I've known has told me that they would be interested in sex with a woman because she is of the opposite sex.

Please don't try to get into an argument with me over this. This is beside the point and detracts from the main issue the OP is now having.

Seriously, what is your problem? You're a PC chat leader even. Be more mature and adult like than this. Trying to get into an argument? PLEASE. I find your post to be very toxic and off-putting.

I'm sorry if it seems toxic and off putting. I really hate it when people lump either women or men or any group into a negative stereotype. I really am not here to argue with you but I felt compelled to let you know that the way you worded that really is insulting to men.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:41 AM
  #51
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Thank you for that clarification. I would disagree with your husband at this point.

But that's not the problem here as much as what is causing him to state that he's giving up on you.

Has he done this in arguments before?
Yes, he has done this before, but not since we’ve been married. He walked out several times when we were dating, but it’s much harder and more intense now that we are married.

Also, I feel the initial argument was really secondary to everything that happened afterwords in terms of relevance. I just can’t make sense of why that would lead him to do what he did.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:45 AM
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I'm sorry if it seems toxic and off putting. I really hate it when people lump either women or men or any group into a negative stereotype. I really am not here to argue with you but I felt compelled to let you know that the way you worded that really is insulting to men.
Again, I am very sorry if it insulted you personally as a male. Not my intention to insult anyone.

Please understand, however, that many, many men are like that. And if you cannot see that, then you don't see it. That is the way I see it, as well as many women. Most men want sex from women. Perhaps NOT YOU, but most. OK? Can we please drop this now? For the sake of the OP? I am personally dealing with a lot of crap in my own life and don't wish to argue with anyone about anything.

We both are here on this thread to help the OP.... so let's do that.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:46 AM
  #53
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What kind of mean things has he said to you? Can you give an example? It is totally understandable that you would have a negative and emotional reaction to him being cruel towards you! Please know this. And to the point of breaking down into sobbing tears? It must be pretty bad, what he says to you.
He makes lots of comments about me being forgetful and mindless when I do little things like forget to turn the fan off when we leave the house and things like that. He doesn’t see it as being mean; he says I should be happy that he’s truthful with me.

An example is right before we got married I was dieting to make sure I would fit in my wedding dress (I’m small; under 125 but there was no room to gain anything in this dress) and he said randomly one night “Are you sure you’re gonna fit in your dress?” And i said yeah I’ve been dieting and he said “well it looks like you’ve been gaining weight so i doubt it.” Of course this launched me into a freakiut session cause I’m insecure. I was crying and shaking and so unhappy cause I just wanted him to think I was beautiful. He got SO angry at me for getting so upset at him for being “truthful” and ignored me for days. He threatened not to marry me but eventually said he’ll do it “only because I dont wanna disappoint my family” he apologized a few days later but it still hurts to think about.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:47 AM
  #54
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Yes, he has done this before, but not since we’ve been married. He walked out several times when we were dating, but it’s much harder and more intense now that we are married.

Also, I feel the initial argument was really secondary to everything that happened afterwords in terms of relevance. I just can’t make sense of why that would lead him to do what he did.
so this sounds more like a pattern of his behavior and a manipulative thing. Funny your situation reflects mine so much. fact is I heard the threat of divorce and "I'm done with you" over and over again.

If that's the case, let it go for now... it will pass but.. I also would look for a therapist either for you or your marriage, although considering the picture I'm seeing of him he doesn't sound like the type to actually admit he's doing much wrong.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:48 AM
  #55
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I have anxiety, so I often not only burst into tears, but I bawl my eyes out because I’m afraid of losing him. Every argument ends in me crying because he says hurtful things and he says it’s childish. I sometimes get sick to my stomach too and vomit and he finds this pathetic. Do you think this is something unforgivable and that he is right to walk away from me for it? He feels that it’s emotional abuse to expose him to my crying and emotions like this.

You’re right; it is insanely lonely and I don’t know what to do. I feel so pathetic just waiting around, wondering if he will decide to stay with me or not. My family are the kind of people to ridicule you over everything. I know they’d let me stay with them, but I couldn’t deal with that.
A compassionate husband would know that you are in therapy addressing the visceral reactions to your anxieties. Getting to the point of vomiting from heightened anxiety is rather serious. Not pathetic but serious. It's a physical manifestation of deep emotional pain. I remember my uncle throwing up for hours after my grandfather passed away. I've thrown up before over deep grief. It's actually a normal or not so normal but it's something that can and does happen to others.

Where's the concern and going to the doctor with you? His animosity towards you is concerning.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:50 AM
  #56
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Again, I am very sorry if it insulted you personally as a male. Not my intention to insult anyone.

Please understand, however, that many, many men are like that. And if you cannot see that, then you don't see it. That is the way I see it, as well as many women. Most men want sex from women. Perhaps NOT YOU, but most. OK? Can we please drop this now? For the sake of the OP? I am personally dealing with a lot of crap in my own life and don't wish to argue with anyone about anything.

We both are here on this thread to help the OP.... so let's do that.
I do agree that there are men and even some (not as many) women like that and I'm sorry that you've found so many in your life.

It's fine, ty for clarifying and your apology. that's all I needed to say about it, and not here to derail anything.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:51 AM
  #57
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so this sounds more like a pattern of his behavior and a manipulative thing. Funny your situation reflects mine so much. fact is I heard the threat of divorce and "I'm done with you" over and over again.

If that's the case, let it go for now... it will pass but.. I also would look for a therapist either for you or your marriage, although considering the picture I'm seeing of him he doesn't sound like the type to actually admit he's doing much wrong.
Yeah, sounds familiar. He has threatened divorce several times. I just recently started therapy, but he said he doesn’t wanna stick around to see if i get better. No, he rarely ever admits when he’s wrong and I’ve brought up marriage counseling and he has no interest.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:54 AM
  #58
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He makes lots of comments about me being forgetful and mindless when I do little things like forget to turn the fan off when we leave the house and things like that. He doesn’t see it as being mean; he says I should be happy that he’s truthful with me.

An example is right before we got married I was dieting to make sure I would fit in my wedding dress (I’m small; under 125 but there was no room to gain anything in this dress) and he said randomly one night “Are you sure you’re gonna fit in your dress?” And i said yeah I’ve been dieting and he said “well it looks like you’ve been gaining weight so i doubt it.” Of course this launched me into a freakiut session cause I’m insecure. I was crying and shaking and so unhappy cause I just wanted him to think I was beautiful. He got SO angry at me for getting so upset at him for being “truthful” and ignored me for days. He threatened not to marry me but eventually said he’ll do it “only because I dont wanna disappoint my family” he apologized a few days later but it still hurts to think about.
It sounds to me like he is putting you down. Pointing out what you're doing "wrong", not supporting you and also making you feel insecure about possible weight gain.

The loving response would be to joke with you about being forgetful, but in a very loving and affectionate way, and to remind you of how beautiful you are at any weight.

His threats are concerning. It seems to me he threatens you when he wants to gain control over YOU and your reactions.

I agree with the above that this is all very concerning. And again, this sounds like emotional abuse to me the more you tell us.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:54 AM
  #59
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A compassionate husband would know that you are in therapy addressing the visceral reactions to your anxieties. Getting to the point of vomiting from heightened anxiety is rather serious. Not pathetic but serious. It's a physical manifestation of deep emotional pain. I remember my uncle throwing up for hours after my grandfather passed away. I've thrown up before over deep grief. It's actually a normal or not so normal but it's something that can and does happen to others.

Where's the concern and going to the doctor with you? His animosity towards you is concerning.
He says I started therapy too late, that I should have done it a long time ago and I wouldn’t have lost him. I don’t see how I can go back and time and fix the past, I can only work on myself now. He says that’s all fine and we’ll for me, but he doesn’t have to be here to see me go through it.

Yeah, it really sucks and I hate that anyone has to go through this kind of pain. He hasn’t ever really showed concern about it; only annoyance. The only slight sign of concern he has shown recently was when he said he was leaving last night, he made me promise not to hurt myself and said he would divorce me immediately if I did.
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Default Feb 21, 2019 at 11:55 AM
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Yeah, sounds familiar. He has threatened divorce several times. I just recently started therapy, but he said he doesn’t wanna stick around to see if i get better. No, he rarely ever admits when he’s wrong and I’ve brought up marriage counseling and he has no interest.
Well after like I said 15 yrs, it never changed for me. of course I know I've made too many mistakes over the years of allowing it to happen which only reinforced that the manipulation was working and therefore continued.

Obviously this is not easy for you due to your anxiety but the first thing that needs to happen is that you learn not to allow the manipulation to actually work on you. When he says "I'm done.. leaving.. etc" you need to be able to say. "Ok. I'm sorry you feel that way, let me know if you change your mind" showing him that you're strong and not letting this get the reaction he wants out of you. That's where you need to be if you're ever to make it clear that this threatening behavior is not ok.

Obviously you should both be in counseling but Idk if that will happen before he realizes that he's not going to get his way anymore or not.
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