advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-04-2019, 06:51 AM   #11
healingme4me
Perpetually Pondering
Community Liaison
 
healingme4me's Avatar
healingme4me Needs a little reading lamp.
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 46,239 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
6,597 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Letting go

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zararose View Post

About a year ago, I decided I needed to concentrate on helping myself so I decided to pursue new friendships(and prove to myself that you can just be friends with the other sex).


[QUOTE=Zararose;6457159]
I've seen conversations that my bf has had with his female friends ( he showed me) They were talking about sex and teasing each other about fetishes. My bf joked to this friend that we should have a threesome.
I would say my conversations are similar to this with my friend but I shut him down or ignore him when it happens.
QUOTE]

Whoa....Did the proving to yourself about opposite gender friends happen before or after you became involved with your current bf?
healingme4me is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 03-04-2019, 07:10 AM   #12
divine1966
Legendary
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 13,765 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
511 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Letting go

[QUOTE=healingme4me;6457422]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zararose View Post
I've seen conversations that my bf has had with his female friends ( he showed me) They were talking about sex and teasing each other about fetishes. My bf joked to this friend that we should have a threesome.
I would say my conversations are similar to this with my friend but I shut him down or ignore him when it happens.
QUOTE]

Whoa....Did the proving to yourself about opposite gender friends happen before or after you became involved with your current bf?
Iíd also wonder if wish to prove it to yourself happened before or after finding out that bf has inappropriate sexual conversations with other females. Kind of proving that you can do the same.
divine1966 is online now   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-04-2019, 07:14 AM   #13
divine1966
Legendary
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 13,765 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
511 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Letting go

Iíd add that just because your boyfriend has sexual conversations with other women it doesnít mean itís ok or that you should do the same. Sexual teasing isnít the same as having friends. Your boyfriend flirts with other women and now you flirt (or let him flirt with you) with other man. Thatís not friendship. Do you flirt and sexually tease other females? Does your boyfriend acts this way with men? If not, whatever is happening isnít friendship.
divine1966 is online now   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-04-2019, 07:15 AM   #14
healingme4me
Perpetually Pondering
Community Liaison
 
healingme4me's Avatar
healingme4me Needs a little reading lamp.
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 46,239 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
6,597 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Letting go

[QUOTE=divine1966;6457429]
Quote:
Originally Posted by healingme4me View Post

Iíd also wonder if wish to prove it to yourself happened before or after finding out that bf has inappropriate sexual conversations with other females. Kind of proving that you can do the same.
Or one of those head games that some do to justify boundaryless opposite gender friendships. As in, oh don't be so jealous, it's all in your head, we're just friends.
healingme4me is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-04-2019, 07:16 AM   #15
healingme4me
Perpetually Pondering
Community Liaison
 
healingme4me's Avatar
healingme4me Needs a little reading lamp.
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 46,239 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
6,597 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Letting go

Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Iíd add that just because your boyfriend has sexual conversations with other women it doesnít mean itís ok or that you should do the same. Sexual teasing isnít the same as having friends. Your boyfriend flirts with other women and now you flirt (or let him flirt with you) with other man. Thatís not friendship. Do you flirt and sexually tease other females? Does your boyfriend acts this way with men? If not, whatever is happening isnít friendship.
Exactly. Be certain that this isn't even subconscious retaliatory behavior.
healingme4me is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-04-2019, 07:29 AM   #16
MickeyCheeky
Wise Elder
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,752 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
33.1k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Letting go

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Zararose I'm afraid I must agree with all the others. I don't think it's ok to flirt with friends of the opposite gender. If your friend keeps doing that and you're feeling uncomfortable, I'd suggest to cut off contact with him. I don't think he's being a true friend at all. Do you think your doubts about your boyfriend could be due to the fact that he's flirting with these women as well? Even though he's being playful, I understand why you'd feel uncomfortable. I'd suggest to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there. Share all the doubts you have with him and tell him that you would like to spend some more time with him. Hopefully he will listen to you and understand you. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings. I feel like you definitely need to work on yourself a bit and on your self-esteem. I feel like that could help you a lot. Try to work on yourself and your past experiences, try to spend some more time with your boyfriend, talk to him about this and tell him how you feel. I'm so sorry. It must be very hard for you. Just try to do your best. That's all you can do after all. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. You're a wonderful person. Stay strong, Zararose. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-10-2019, 10:38 AM   #17
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets Humor is my end game..
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,249 (SuperPoster!)
109 hugs
given
Default Re: Letting go

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zararose View Post
I don't think there's anything wrong with going out and looking for friendships and I think you can still be friends via texting. Lots of friends aren't able to meet in person. Thats just my opinion though. I didnt meet him on a dating website- it was through a sports social club. When it ended we just kept in touch.
I dont think texting and internet friendships are bad and I do not think going out looking for friends is either. Going out and looking for male friends though could be a problem. Sure men and women can be friends but that is usually a result of some pre-existing relationship, common friends or coworkers. I think if you are looking for male friends you are looking for someone to give you what you need that you are not getting from your boyfriend. And I am not judging you for that. For years I had very few female friends and more male friends. I always said it was because women were catty b*tches or full of drama-or some other judgey thing. My male friends respected my boundaries and never made a pass but I know for a fact that if I wanted to date them they would all say yes.
Quote:
I really was looking for female friends but it didn't work out like that unfortunately. I still am trying to find female friends but it's hard.
Why? What makes it hard?
Quote:
I have talked to my bf about him. I suggested meeting him once but he declined. Also, I don't think I did nothing when he sent it.. i told him what i thought, he apologised and hasn't done it since. It's hard to describe the context it was in.
There must be a reason he was so comfortable sending it to you to begin with regardless if he apologized.
Quote:
I've seen conversations that my bf has had with his female friends ( he showed me) They were talking about sex and teasing each other about fetishes. My bf joked to this friend that we should have a threesome.
Totally not ok. Its just not. It dances around a topic that should be reserved for you and him. I am sure he will say there's nothing to is and the girls act like guys- and the girls might downplay it as well. But if those are the jokes and topics its dancing around the fire IMO.
Quote:
I would say my conversations are similar to this with my friend but I shut him down or ignore him when it happens.
How can you have similar conversations if you are ignoring him or shutting him down? You said conversations meaning he talked about this stuff more than once which means he ignored the boundaries you were trying to set.
Quote:
That being said, if I feel uncomfortable hanging out with him in person then maybe that's saying something? Part of the reason is I wouldn't want my bf to hang out with a girl alone so a choose not to do it. It's difficult when youre a bit of a loner and don't have groups of friends or gatherings to invite people to.
Absolutely that is saying something. You are uncomfortable hanging with him yet allow him to have sexual innuendo conversations. Its probably confusing. And you cant not hang out with this guy just because you wouldn't like him hanging with a girl. You both need to knock it off and focus on each other.
__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.

Last edited by sarahsweets; 03-10-2019 at 12:47 PM..
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-11-2019, 08:12 PM   #18
Kmilla
New Member
Kmilla has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: Monett
Posts: 6
Default Re: Letting go

I was going to marry a muslim who wanted to share me. He dumped me for her. Know you can ALWAYS SURVIVE heartbreak. Happens to everyone.
Kmilla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2019, 12:05 PM   #19
Silk Chaos
Member
 
Silk Chaos's Avatar
Silk Chaos has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: Dallasish, TX
Posts: 30
Default Re: Letting go

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zararose View Post
How can you learn to trust someone new, after being lied to, manipulated, betrayed by someone in the past? Has anyone ever done it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zararose View Post
Has anyone got any thoughts to help let go of what you can't control?
To answer both questions, yes.

I've recently learned about thinking traps (cognitive distortions). Some examples of them that I can see in your posts are:
  • All-or-nothing thinking
  • Mind-reading
  • Filtering
  • Emotional reasoning
  • Should statements
  • Overgeneralization
  • Catastrophizing
I have been allowing thinking traps to taint my thinking for a very long time. Learning about them helped me start to learn to view the world differently. I have been able to trust someone again. I've been able to recognize that my jealousy issues are because of situations that do not exist in reality, rather only in my mind.

When my thoughts are compared with reality, I am better able to understand what I can and cannot control and let go of the latter. With regard to trying to control, being able see my all-or-nothing thinking made it far easier to not try to control something, in part because that something existed only in my head so there was nothing to actually control.

Make sense?
Silk Chaos is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-20-2019, 05:39 AM   #20
Zararose
Member
Zararose has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2018
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 67
1 yr Member
Default Re: Letting go

I'm a little glad to hear someone else thinks sexual conversations aren't okay between friends when you are in a relationship. He must've thought his conversations were okay because he showed me thinking he was reassuring me nothing was going on. And that may have been the case.
Perhaps there are couples who believe it's okay to talk about these things between friends.

I saw a public exchange he was having with another girl on social media. I said it made me feel uncomfortable but he said she talks like that to other guys too.
It didn't make me feel any better. It only made me feel guilty and hopeless again like this cycle will never end. I dont know when this started. My first boyfriend would say things to other girls behind my back (first time was with my best friend so that was the only reason I found out).

What really worries me is the unknown.

I remember someone telling me once that if you're going to talk or message a friend of the opposite gender more than your partner then why even be in the relationship? Do people actually believe that? Sometimes I think my BF talks to other girls (not always the same girl) more than me but I don't have any proof of that. He seems addicted to his phone and always has been. Plus his responses to me sometimes sound dry, lifeless like he's busy doing something else.
He will text female friends and tell me there's nothing to worry about. But.. what else is he really going to say to that? He's not going to willingly give me anything to worry about. I guess I've seen the types of conversations he's had with other girls, not to mention thinking they are okay, or how much he talks to them and I'm looking for the same if not more attention from him?

I can't control what he does or who he talks to. I just have to hope that if he does tire of me and genuinely wants to be with someone else then he will let me go first. But is that what I wait for?

So should i just not worry if I see him chatting with other girls? Do I just need to let it go and accept that he WILL talk to them and that he may talk and have 'fun with them or whatever?

Last edited by Zararose; 03-20-2019 at 05:52 AM..
Zararose is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:19 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.