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Default Mar 29, 2019 at 04:54 AM
  #1
I've been in a relationship with a combat veteran for almost 2 months. He was diagnosed with PTSD and bipolar depression long before I met him and it affects him badly. About a month ago, he had to be admired into military hospital for a couple of days because it got so bad.
Our relationship is primarily long-distance. I love him and he says he loves me every day. There are also actions to back it up.
Anyway, a couple of days ago, he said he needed to take some time away from our relationship and social media for a short time (didn't give a specific time) after which he disabled all his social media. I respected his request and have been giving him space ever since.
It hurts but I think it's for the best. My biggest worry is if he'll come back to me.
Should I be worried?
Any further insight into this will greatly help.
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Smile Mar 29, 2019 at 01:08 PM
  #2
Hello GracePeace: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry I don't think there is anything I can offer with regard to your concern. My personal opinion is there is simply no way to tell whether or not your friend will come back to you. I'm afraid about all you're going to be able to do is to wait & see. Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have some insights they can share.

Since you mentioned your friend has been diagnosed as being bipolar & having PTSD, here are links to articles on each of those subjects written by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. The articles also provide links to additional articles on their subjects:

Bipolar Disorder: Symptoms, Types & Treatments

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

And then here are links to 4 articles on the subject of long-distance relationships:

The Challenge of Long-Distance Relationships

7 Tips for Long-Distance Couples

Solve These 5 HUGE Long-Distance Relationship Problems, Now!

https://psychcentral.com/blog/some-t...marriage-work/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Mar 29, 2019 at 01:24 PM
  #3
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, GracePeace It must be really hard for both of you. I'm so sorry your boyfriend is struggling so much. Do you know exactly what he meant when he said he was "taking a break"? Did he clarify it? Is your relationship still active on "in pause"? I wish I could tell you that he'll come back for sure, but unfortunately I can't. Whether or not you want to wait for him to come back is your decision. I believe you have every right to pursue other relationships if you want. That's just my opinion though. I may be completely wrong. The final decision is up to you. I'd suggest to wait some time, perhaps some months, and decide whether or not you want to continue this relationship. If he doesn't feel ready he has every right to move on. The same thing goes for you. You have to decide what's the bes thting to do for yourself. Either way, hopefully he'll understand your decision! Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, GracePeace. Please don't give up! Try to hang on as much as you can! You're a strong, wonderful person! Keep fighting! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! Keep fighting! Believe in yourself! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this! Please don't give up! Try to hang on as much as you can! You can do this! You've got this! You both don't deserve to go through all of this! You both don't deserve to suffer at all! Nobody deserves to suffer at all
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Default Mar 29, 2019 at 01:51 PM
  #4
How many times you’ve met in real life? I’d say after only 2 months and being long distance you don’t really know him and I am surprised you already state you love each other. I’d take things much slower
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Default Mar 30, 2019 at 08:47 AM
  #5
I second divine's post. Have you met more than a few times? LDR's can be really good but a lot of times you do not really know someone until you get to see the person regularly and spend some time together.

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Default Mar 30, 2019 at 09:02 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, GracePeace It must be really hard for both of you. I'm so sorry your boyfriend is struggling so much. Do you know exactly what he meant when he said he was "taking a break"? Did he clarify it? Is your relationship still active on "in pause"? I wish I could tell you that he'll come back for sure, but unfortunately I can't. Whether or not you want to wait for him to come back is your decision. I believe you have every right to pursue other relationships if you want. That's just my opinion though. I may be completely wrong. The final decision is up to you. I'd suggest to wait some time, perhaps some months, and decide whether or not you want to continue this relationship. If he doesn't feel ready he has every right to move on. The same thing goes for you. You have to decide what's the bes thting to do for yourself. Either way, hopefully he'll understand your decision! Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, GracePeace. Please don't give up! Try to hang on as much as you can! You're a strong, wonderful person! Keep fighting! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! Keep fighting! Believe in yourself! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this! Please don't give up! Try to hang on as much as you can! You can do this! You've got this! You both don't deserve to go through all of this! You both don't deserve to suffer at all! Nobody deserves to suffer at all
Thank you so much for your positivity. So many negatives around. You made me smile and hopeful. Thank you so much
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Default Mar 30, 2019 at 10:42 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by GracePeace View Post
I've been in a relationship with a combat veteran for almost 2 months. He was diagnosed with PTSD and bipolar depression long before I met him and it affects him badly. About a month ago, he had to be admired into military hospital for a couple of days because it got so bad.
Our relationship is primarily long-distance. I love him and he says he loves me every day. There are also actions to back it up.
Anyway, a couple of days ago, he said he needed to take some time away from our relationship and social media for a short time (didn't give a specific time) after which he disabled all his social media. I respected his request and have been giving him space ever since.
It hurts but I think it's for the best. My biggest worry is if he'll come back to me.
Should I be worried?
Any further insight into this will greatly help.
Sorry to tell you this, but he's not interested in pursuing a long distance relationship with you anymore and wasn't strong enough in character to tell you the truth.

If someone wants you in their life, they won't make up excuses. I have to remind myself of this all the time, with friends and with men I'm interested in dating who don't reciprocate my interest.

If he really wanted to date you long distance, he would. No PTSD, no bipolar depression, no geographical distance would stop him from attempting to have a long distance relationship with you if he really wanted to, and prioritized you in his life.

My gut tells me, he met a woman in his city whom he probably can see in person and doesn't know how to tell you this without breaking your heart.

Actions and words are ok, but it's patterns that reveal the truth. Always look at the pattern of a person's words and actions.

You have the option of calling him and if he screens your calls and doesn't return your call -- he's not interested.

If you email him and he doesn't respond -- he's not interested.

For him to ghost you like that, after telling you he loves you, means he didn't really love you. If you love someone, you don't treat them like an option the way he just dropped you without warning. I'm sorry he did this to you. I would focus your energy on dating someone in your city instead. He's moved on. You should too.
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Default Mar 30, 2019 at 11:59 AM
  #8
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How many times you’ve met in real life? I’d say after only 2 months and being long distance you don’t really know him and I am surprised you already state you love each other. I’d take things much slower
100% agree with this^. He sounds like the type who enjoys the fantasy of being in love. But to say 'I love you' after just 8 weeks, isn't real love, unfortunately. Real love takes time to develop especially if neither of you live in the same city.

I would chalk this up to a learning experience. Be very wary of starting online relationships with men, b/c most of the time, they won't materialize into the real thing. Men who do this, like to lead women on; they will call you, email you, even FaceTime with you, but if they don't make the effort to meet with you regularly in person then it's not a real relationship.

Sadly, when a man says he needs space, that's code for "I want out." If he wanted to date you exclusively, he would. If he didn't want to date you exclusively, he would tell you.
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Default Mar 30, 2019 at 12:19 PM
  #9
“Taking time off a relationship and requesting space” is always a code phrase for “I am done but do not know how to bring it up directly”. Time to move on
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Default Mar 30, 2019 at 12:25 PM
  #10
((GracePeace)), I am sorry that you are experiencing this and it's confusing you so much. However, what I can tell you is that considering this man is suffering from PTSD and is a vet, his need for space has a lot more to do with HIM and his challenge than you. It's hard for someone suffering like this in that the one person they are struggling the most with when it comes to connecting is in fact "themselves". This is the biggest challenge when it comes to PTSD, especially when it comes to a vet. They really do suffer more than most can possibly understand, and this is why so many take their own lives every day. They are trying so hard to figure out how to restore themselves despite how often debilitating the PTSD can be for them.

How long has he been home from deployment? PTSD often develops once a vet ends deployment and it can get extremely challenging for a while often causing these individuals with withdraw.
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Default Mar 30, 2019 at 12:54 PM
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“Taking time off a relationship and requesting space” is always a code phrase for “I am done but do not know how to bring it up directly”. Time to move on
I agree. I dated a guy with bipolar depression and that wasn't the reason we broke up. We broke up because it turns out, our personalities and interests and lives were not compatible with each other.

I feel like people make up excuses to avoid telling each other the truth because they don't want to feel guilty for being seen as the one who hurt the other person's feelings. So, they lie to avoid feeling that guilt.

Relationships that are successful, are because both people want to be in the relationship and they are compatible.

I feel bad for Grace but I think this guy strung her along online, and then deleted his social media so that she couldn't have a way to contact him. I don't think Grace should invest anymore energy into this guy b/c he's clearly not interested or he wouldn't have suddenly "needed space" to deal with his PTSD.

I have PTSD from a TBI I received 20 years ago, and I have never used that as an excuse to distance myself from friends or any men I dated. What I find ironic, is the way men act like their "excuses" are reasons. Um no. They're still excuses.

It would be better if Grace's boyfriend had told her that he was going to be in therapy away from social media access for a while, but would call her instead. That way, he still is making the effort to stay in contact with her.

But he chose to delete himself from the internet, so that she can't reach him. Unless she has his email or his phone number, I think if she is feeling unsure, she needs to just call him on the phone and ask him if he wants to break up with her.

I've been caught up in this scheme with men more than I care to admit. That's why I stopped online dating. I think it's a waste of time. Men can lie and misrepresent themselves online and never really invest in you, if they don't have to see you in person. So they reel you in, online, with the fantasy of them, and that's all it is, a fantasy, not reality.
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Default Mar 30, 2019 at 01:11 PM
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I agree. I dated a guy with bipolar depression and that wasn't the reason we broke up. We broke up because it turns out, our personalities and interests and lives were not compatible with each other.

I feel like people make up excuses to avoid telling each other the truth because they don't want to feel guilty for being seen as the one who hurt the other person's feelings. So, they lie to avoid feeling that guilt.

Relationships that are successful, are because both people want to be in the relationship and they are compatible.

I feel bad for Grace but I think this guy strung her along online, and then deleted his social media so that she couldn't have a way to contact him. I don't think Grace should invest anymore energy into this guy b/c he's clearly not interested or he wouldn't have suddenly "needed space" to deal with his PTSD.

I have PTSD from a TBI I received 20 years ago, and I have never used that as an excuse to distance myself from friends or any men I dated. What I find ironic, is the way men act like their "excuses" are reasons. Um no. They're still excuses.

It would be better if Grace's boyfriend had told her that he was going to be in therapy away from social media access for a while, but would call her instead. That way, he still is making the effort to stay in contact with her.

But he chose to delete himself from the internet, so that she can't reach him. Unless she has his email or his phone number, I think if she is feeling unsure, she needs to just call him on the phone and ask him if he wants to break up with her.

I've been caught up in this scheme with men more than I care to admit. That's why I stopped online dating. I think it's a waste of time. Men can lie and misrepresent themselves online and never really invest in you, if they don't have to see you in person. So they reel you in, online, with the fantasy of them, and that's all it is, a fantasy, not reality.
I am sorry for your struggles with PTSD and your TBI. I agree with everything you said.

Well you can meet people online and have good relationships but you got to meet them pretty soon and you do have check who they are. I am not saying this guy is not even a veteran, I hope he is, but if relationship is strictly online who really knows.

Saying that, I’ve met my husband online, we are happily married and yes we are who we said we are. There was no fantasy though because we met as soon as we started talking and were dating face to face. It would be the same as if we met in a different venue.
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Default Mar 30, 2019 at 01:41 PM
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I am sorry for your struggles with PTSD and your TBI. I agree with everything you said.

Well you can meet people online and have good relationships but you got to meet them pretty soon and you do have check who they are. I am not saying this guy is not even a veteran, I hope he is, but if relationship is strictly online who really knows.

Saying that, I’ve met my husband online, we are happily married and yes we are who we said we are. There was no fantasy though because we met as soon as we started talking and were dating face to face. It would be the same as if we met in a different venue.
Thanks. It is interesting that you and your husband met online and have had a successful marriage. But that is because you both were invested equally, and made the effort to meet each other in person.

I feel like if you live in two different countries, a long distance relationship is not realistic unless you have the finances to fly back and forth a lot to see each other. It takes a lot of work.

But my point with my post, as you noted, is that both people need to be equally invested in the relationship for it to work. I don't think Grace's boyfriend was equally invested, or he wouldn't have suddenly needed to disappear online altogether. That is highly suspicious to me, that he deleted ALL of his presence online so that Grace can't find him online anymore. Someone who is genuine, doesn't do that. He would have had at least told Grace to call him to maintain their relationship.
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Default Mar 30, 2019 at 01:55 PM
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Thanks. It is interesting that you and your husband met online and have had a successful marriage. But that is because you both were invested equally, and made the effort to meet each other in person.

I feel like if you live in two different countries, a long distance relationship is not realistic unless you have the finances to fly back and forth a lot to see each other. It takes a lot of work.

But my point with my post, as you noted, is that both people need to be equally invested in the relationship for it to work. I don't think Grace's boyfriend was equally invested, or he wouldn't have suddenly needed to disappear online altogether. That is highly suspicious to me, that he deleted ALL of his presence online so that Grace can't find him online anymore. Someone who is genuine, doesn't do that. He would have had at least told Grace to call him to maintain their relationship.
Heck no. I am too busy to see someone long distance. We met on eharmony and indicated geographical distance of not more than reasonable driving to have regular dates. If you ever consider dating again, eharmony is more selective. And you have particular criteria and if you don’t like someone they can’t stalk
you. It’s designed that way

This guy maybe created a new social media account, so he couldn’t be found
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Default Mar 30, 2019 at 02:07 PM
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Heck no. I am too busy to see someone long distance. We met on eharmony and indicated geographical distance of not more than reasonable driving to have regular dates. If you ever consider dating again, eharmony is more selective. And you have particular criteria and if you don’t like someone they can’t stalk
you. It’s designed that way

This guy maybe created a new social media account, so he couldn’t be found
Funny how online dating works for so many people. I tried ALL of those dating websites; Match, eHarmony, OkCupid, PlentyofFish. No luck. All I got out of that 5 years, was a 2 year off-on relationship with an emotionally/verbally abusive divorced man who told me what to eat, how to dress, isolated me from my friends and family, and tried to manipulate and control me. On his profile, he looked like Prince Charming; educator, volunteer, writes poetry and does pottery, semi-pro cyclist for a hobby, outdoorsman for a hobby, well-read, well-traveled, stable finances, good health. Handsome, fit. But NOPE. Total monster. Probably why his first wife divorced him.

He tried to play the victim with me about his divorce. I caught him telling a friend on the phone how he was going to break up with me, as he walked into my apartment, he didn't realize I was home at the time. I confronted him, we had a huge argument and he broke up with me when I caught him cheating on me with another woman via his text messages. Total mess. I will never use online dating again.

Even on Facebook. Eww. A guy I know through a mutual friend and have met a few times, sent me a drunk bed-selfie at 2 a.m. (himself, laying in bed) telling me on FB he thought I was attractive. As though that was somehow enticing to me? Um, no. He just looked like a pathetic, lonely, drunk guy on his bed at 2 a.m. How sad for him. Eww. Not someone I want to date unless he rehabs at Betty Ford for his alcoholism. Our mutual friend makes excuses for him b/c she has her own boyfriend I guess? He's a single father of a college aged child. He's a known ladies man, and is pretty much a drunk 24 hours a day. No thanks.

I think Grace's guy was a liar. Unless she returns to her thread to tell us she met him in person, my guess is, he was lying about his identity with her online and like you said, deleted his social media and created a new identity. I feel bad for Grace that this guy duped her. But, it definitely can happen.
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Default Mar 30, 2019 at 02:57 PM
  #16
I hear you streetcar. Dating sucks.

Maybe because we are older, in our early 50s, were married before and have adult kids we knew what we wanted and wouldn’t settle for anything less, so it was easier to meet right person. It was either meet right person to marry again or just enjoy life how it’s being single. Zero tolerance for BS. When I was younger I’d date wrong people for too long until I’d figure out they are wrong for me. And my husband was in a bad marriage for too long. So we weren’t willing to tolerate crap. It gets pretty obvious when we get older.

I hope Grace finds a nice guy near by and not worry about long distance online encounters, cat fishing is real
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