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Old 02-27-2019, 05:54 PM #1
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Default Letting go

How can you learn to trust someone new, after being lied to, manipulated, betrayed by someone in the past? Has anyone ever done it?

I'm trying to let go of what I cant control. I can't control him. As much as I want to. If I do, he will only leave me. What scares me is the unknown. People can physically or emotionally cheat and lie about it. They cover it up because it's the easy cowardly way out.
What if he's emotionally cheating on me now? He's surrounded by young fit women at work. He probably checks them out or imagines them without clothes. Haha. He's a guy. Guys a visual sexual beings. What if a connection goes too far or he gets bored of me. I don't think we spend quality time together anymore. It's like I'm just a housemate. Someone to chill with and watch tv with at the end of the day. I hate my body I hate myself.

Has anyone got any thoughts to help let go of what you can't control?
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Old 02-28-2019, 12:17 AM #2
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Default Re: Letting go

I am sorry you are hurting. Do you have any reason to suspect he might be cheating or might want to leave? often times people worry about relationship because it’s not going well otherwise why worry? It’s hard to give up
control, I know what you are saying. But I am more concerned why are you feeling this way. Besides not spending quality time, how is everythhhv else going in the relationship?
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Old 02-28-2019, 03:06 AM #3
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Default Re: Letting go

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zararose View Post
How can you learn to trust someone new, after being lied to, manipulated, betrayed by someone in the past? Has anyone ever done it?

I'm trying to let go of what I cant control. I can't control him. As much as I want to. If I do, he will only leave me. What scares me is the unknown. People can physically or emotionally cheat and lie about it. They cover it up because it's the easy cowardly way out.
What if he's emotionally cheating on me now? He's surrounded by young fit women at work. He probably checks them out or imagines them without clothes. Haha. He's a guy. Guys a visual sexual beings. What if a connection goes too far or he gets bored of me. I don't think we spend quality time together anymore. It's like I'm just a housemate. Someone to chill with and watch tv with at the end of the day. I hate my body I hate myself.

Has anyone got any thoughts to help let go of what you can't control?
Have you expressed any of this to him? If so, what was his reaction? If not, I think it'd be a good idea to have a conversation with this about him, and if you decide that's an option for you, my suggestion would be to try taking measures that could prevent the conversation from escalating into an argument. For example, emphasizing that these thoughts are due to your experience with past relationships, and are not his fault. As for the lack of quality time, stating that fact would ideally strive for him and you to work towards what both of you perceive to be quality time.

Also, I have a few questions that only serve to get more information so myself and other posters could possibly help you more.

When did this lack of quality time begin? When he settled into this particular workplace you're paranoid about? Did your distrust arise from these two factors? Or was there already some before this?

Furthermore, how long has it been since you've felt this way towards peoplle in general? Maybe if this has been going on for a long time, seeking a proffesional would help with these thoughts if you haven't already?
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Old 02-28-2019, 10:05 AM #4
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Default Re: Letting go

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zararose View Post
How can you learn to trust someone new, after being lied to, manipulated, betrayed by someone in the past? Has anyone ever done it?

I'm trying to let go of what I cant control. I can't control him. As much as I want to. If I do, he will only leave me. What scares me is the unknown. People can physically or emotionally cheat and lie about it. They cover it up because it's the easy cowardly way out.
What if he's emotionally cheating on me now? He's surrounded by young fit women at work. He probably checks them out or imagines them without clothes. Haha. He's a guy. Guys a visual sexual beings. What if a connection goes too far or he gets bored of me. I don't think we spend quality time together anymore. It's like I'm just a housemate. Someone to chill with and watch tv with at the end of the day. I hate my body I hate myself.

Has anyone got any thoughts to help let go of what you can't control?

Letting go of trying to control things and people outside of ourselves is sometimes hard, that's definitely true but throughout the rest of your post I hope you can look at it and realize that all of it is based on fear and not necessarily justified fear. What someone else did to you, what others do to people does not affect your situation, and your partner. what he does is not based on the idea of your past experiences with men or what any other man does but who he is and his own personality and level of integrity and devotion to you.


So as divine stated, has he given you reason to not trust him? Not based on fear, has he ever given you any reason to believe he's doing anything but be faithful to you? This is what you need to ask yourself when you are overwhelmed with fears and anxiety, and suspicious of things.


The truth is, yes, men tend to be more visual and are more driven by sex. But does that eliminate their ability to control themselves and be faithful? men are not in bondage by sex and they do have the ability to see attractive females not have to be compelled to hit on them, flirt or desire them. Give your partner some credit, that is unless, as we already said he's given you reason not to trust him.


Quote:
What if a connection goes too far or he gets bored of me.

If you want to go the "what if" route, let's change that to an equally legitimate question such as "what if he makes no connection to other women just because he is surrounded by them?" or "what if he continually chooses to close his options to other women because he's already attached?" Change your questions and you get better answers.


Quote:
I don't think we spend quality time together anymore.

So work on that, bring it up to him and tell him you feel like you're missing that and would like to work harder at having more quality time. You should never assume things "just happen" You make them happen between the two of you, if there's no quality time happening it's because no one has said anything and no one is making the effort to do so. It's not all on him, but on you also.


Quote:
It's like I'm just a housemate. Someone to chill with and watch tv with at the end of the day. I hate my body I hate myself.

This last part is quite telling of the fact that this is all fear based and based on your own feelings of being inadequate. "you hate your body and hate yourself" so you assume that what follows is that others feel the same about you and likely it's completely not true.


Hope this helps.
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Old 03-03-2019, 12:10 AM #5
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No, THIS boyfriend hasn't given me any reason to doubt him. He's nice and there's the problem. Girls flock to him to talk about their relationships, when it falls apart or just for the 'guy friend'. It makes me laugh to think about how many girls I've felt insecure about and he hasn't left me for any of them. I struggle making just one friend from either gender.

So yes it is me and my problem. But I thought it was all my problem in my last relationship then i got a text message after we split saying he cheated on me more times than he could count. So.. It's just hard healing.
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Old 03-03-2019, 12:23 AM #6
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Default Re: Letting go

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zararose View Post
No, THIS boyfriend hasn't given me any reason to doubt him. He's nice and there's the problem. Girls flock to him to talk about their relationships, when it falls apart or just for the 'guy friend'. It makes me laugh to think about how many girls I've felt insecure about and he hasn't left me for any of them. I struggle making just one friend from either gender.

So yes it is me and my problem. But I thought it was all my problem in my last relationship then i got a text message after we split saying he cheated on me more times than he could count. So.. It's just hard healing.
ahhh I understand now. if you've been through being cheated on, that is indeed soemthing that will stick with you awhile but at least you know that your anxieties are within yourself.

I think that communicating with him is essential. If you make it so that he knows that you are aware of this being your issue and talk about what you can do as a couple to alleviate this anxiety that might help.

In the meantime, keep in mind, when you think about the women surrounding him and "flocking" to him, you can either use that to instill fear by worrying all of the what ifs, or you can use it to help you realize that he continually is choosing you which will in turn strengthen your understanding of what you mean to him but it's something you ahve to actively pursue. it won't automatically happen, negative and worrisome thoughts usually are far more automatic and you have to make the effort in your mind to battle those things. but after awhile it will change your perspective and expectations, believe me.
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Old 03-03-2019, 02:18 AM #7
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Thank you. I've been trying really hard to change my thinking. Communication is hard because I don't think he knows what to say to me about it. He definetly knows about it. What can he do that doesn't involve changing who he is

About a year ago, I decided I needed to concentrate on helping myself so I decided to pursue new friendships(and prove to myself that you can just be friends with the other sex). That has backfired because now I'm left with a good friend who also makes me feel uncomfortable- i have to tell him to stop or i just ignore him when he takes it too far. Once he sent me a picture of him shirtless ( It was completely out of no where)I don't want to hang out with him in person. Having said that, most of the time he is okay, but I still keep trying to distance myself from him. Now I'm even more uncertain about friendships with the opposite sex. But then if I cut him off completely I'll be back to square one.. friendless with my boyfriend talking to everyone. Ive also been starting to wonder if I'm a little on the spectrum because I'm awkward and I just don't understand friendships. Is sending a shirtless picture of yourself to a friend okay?

Sorry I went on a tangent. I am hearing you!! Now I'm just venting sorry
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Old 03-03-2019, 03:57 AM #8
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Default Re: Letting go

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zararose View Post
Thank you. I've been trying really hard to change my thinking. Communication is hard because I don't think he knows what to say to me about it. He definetly knows about it. What can he do that doesn't involve changing who he is

About a year ago, I decided I needed to concentrate on helping myself so I decided to pursue new friendships(and prove to myself that you can just be friends with the other sex). That has backfired because now I'm left with a good friend who also makes me feel uncomfortable- i have to tell him to stop or i just ignore him when he takes it too far. Once he sent me a picture of him shirtless ( It was completely out of no where)I don't want to hang out with him in person. Having said that, most of the time he is okay, but I still keep trying to distance myself from him. Now I'm even more uncertain about friendships with the opposite sex. But then if I cut him off completely I'll be back to square one.. friendless with my boyfriend talking to everyone. Ive also been starting to wonder if I'm a little on the spectrum because I'm awkward and I just don't understand friendships. Is sending a shirtless picture of yourself to a friend okay?

Sorry I went on a tangent. I am hearing you!! Now I'm just venting sorry
Honestly I’d not call talking to male strangers online and sending/receiving semi inappropriate pictures from them “friendship”. You not wanting hanging out with him and being uncomfortable woth him does not translate to “friendship”.

No sending shirtless pictures to “friends” isn’t ok. It’s equally not ok to accept said pictures and go on like nothing happened.

Yes it’s ok to have friends of opposite gender however it’s a bit different to go online and search for them on purpose. My husband has a female friend (she is also married) , they are former college classmates and of course I know her now too. He didn’t go online looking for her

If you have opposite gender friends you introduce them to your significant other and you don’t keep it a secret. Does your boyfriend know about this man? Was introduced to him? If not, what you are doing is somewhat questionable

Why aren’t you looking for female friendships? Why men? And strangers to boot?

I’d talk to a therapist or a doctor re inability to make friendships and difficulty understanding relationship dynamics.
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Old 03-03-2019, 08:58 PM #9
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I don't think there's anything wrong with going out and looking for friendships and I think you can still be friends via texting. Lots of friends aren't able to meet in person. Thats just my opinion though. I didnt meet him on a dating website- it was through a sports social club. When it ended we just kept in touch.
I really was looking for female friends but it didn't work out like that unfortunately. I still am trying to find female friends but it's hard. Perhaps i gave the wrong impression when I mentioned i was testing these friendships. That really wasn't why I started looking.
I have talked to my bf about him. I suggested meeting him once but he declined. Also, I don't think I did nothing when he sent it.. i told him what i thought, he apologised and hasn't done it since. It's hard to describe the context it was in. I've seen conversations that my bf has had with his female friends ( he showed me) They were talking about sex and teasing each other about fetishes. My bf joked to this friend that we should have a threesome.
I would say my conversations are similar to this with my friend but I shut him down or ignore him when it happens.
That being said, if I feel uncomfortable hanging out with him in person then maybe that's saying something? Part of the reason is I wouldn't want my bf to hang out with a girl alone so a choose not to do it. It's difficult when youre a bit of a loner and don't have groups of friends or gatherings to invite people to.
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Old 03-04-2019, 03:50 AM #10
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Default Re: Letting go

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Originally Posted by Zararose View Post
I don't think there's anything wrong with going out and looking for friendships and I think you can still be friends via texting. Lots of friends aren't able to meet in person. Thats just my opinion though. I didnt meet him on a dating website- it was through a sports social club. When it ended we just kept in touch.
I really was looking for female friends but it didn't work out like that unfortunately. I still am trying to find female friends but it's hard. Perhaps i gave the wrong impression when I mentioned i was testing these friendships. That really wasn't why I started looking.
I have talked to my bf about him. I suggested meeting him once but he declined. Also, I don't think I did nothing when he sent it.. i told him what i thought, he apologised and hasn't done it since. It's hard to describe the context it was in. I've seen conversations that my bf has had with his female friends ( he showed me) They were talking about sex and teasing each other about fetishes. My bf joked to this friend that we should have a threesome.
I would say my conversations are similar to this with my friend but I shut him down or ignore him when it happens.
That being said, if I feel uncomfortable hanging out with him in person then maybe that's saying something? Part of the reason is I wouldn't want my bf to hang out with a girl alone so a choose not to do it. It's difficult when youre a bit of a loner and don't have groups of friends or gatherings to invite people to.
Then maybe it’s just me. I absolutely don’t think that you can be friends just via texting. And if you are uncomfortable spending time with a person I for the life of me don’t understand how could that be called friendship? People like company of their friends. Threesome jokes? He might be joking this way because there is sexual undertone to all these “friendships” with opposite genders that you are both conducting. Doesn’t strike me as true friendships. Yeah I don’t know. Maybe I am just too old for this

I’d stick with my suggestion of talking to a professional seeking some clarity

Good luck with everything.
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