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toughbird
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Default Mar 04, 2019 at 08:52 AM
  #1
Hi All

I'm going to refer him as M.*

M and I dated on and off for one year. Became friends then started seeing each other again. M is an introvert. Has depression and anxiety. Scared of commitment. Many people feel he has*aspergers. His always been hot and cold in our relationship. Put the barriers down as soon as I wanted our relationship to progress. As soon as I got close and began to fall in love with him. Which he knew I did. He swore we would never get back together. Seemed to highly resent the fact that I got to close. He would say hurtful things towards me whenever I tried to communicate and try to sort things out. Just kept pushing me away. Put up a wall around him. It hurt seeing him like this as he stopped going out. Hid away in his shell. He started to become his own enemy.

Everytime he was around me. He resented me and made it known. Stopped replying to my texts. Stopped hanging outside of work. So one day, I thought telling him that I don't love him would make it easier for him especially as he seemed to resent the thought that I love him. Made things worse. He held a grudge towards me for it. I couldn't seem to win either way.

I was leaving for a new job. I decided to be open and tell the truth about my feelings. I was living in denial if I wasn't been open.

On my final week of leaving my old job. Things between I and him seemed to improve. I finally decided that having a friendship with him was more important than having a one sided unhealthy relationship with him. I informed him that I am happy to have a friendship with him. It would be great to meet with up every couple of weeks to hang out. On my last day at work. I and him agreed to go out for a drink and meal.

When my last day came, he rang me and bailed out going for a drink. Informing he wasn't feeling better with having a cold recently. Informed he has given what I said about meeting up and maintaining a friendship some thought and he would like to meet up in a couple of weeks to go out for Sunday lunch. Kept referring me as mate and laughed numerous times. I felt we had patched things up and things would get better.

A couple of weeks passed. I started my new job. I didn't hear anything from him. No texts. No phone calls - just nothing.

I texted him to ask how he was? But I got no reply back. I left it but later saw him on Facebook. I sent him a message but he seemed fairly distant. Not wanting to talk much. So I reminded him about going out but he didn't answer me.*

I had noticed his facebook activity appeared less active much less since I left.

A week later, I texted him him on his work phone wishing him to have a good week. He replied but not much.

On Thursday this week, it was my 30th birthday. My sister shared a post reminding people about it. When it came to my birthday, he didn't even text me to wish me a happy birthday. So I texted him reminding that it's my birthday. He replied 90 mins later saying "have a good one"........ I was a little upset but got over it. I would have thought us being friends - he could have at least texted to wish me a happy birthday.

The next day (last night) the whole team met up for leaving drinks for the contract manager at the pub. As soon as I and he saw each other. His face lit up. He appeared extremely happy to see me. Offered to buy me a drink. We both hugged each other. I was feeling a little anxious but I kept my cool.

When I got up to head to the bar, I caught him looking towards my direction smiling. As soon as he saw me looking, he quickly looked away. He commented on wanting to share the same table I was sitting at to which he did.

I sat down and started talking to previous work colleagues. I observed him quite a lot. He appeared very quiet most of the evening. Seemed like he had gone further into his shell since I last saw him. It took a while before we started to talk - me and him. He asked me how the new job was going? I informed him about what has been going on.*

I then asked him how he was? He didn't speak much. I asked why has he been quiet in terms of not getting in touch especially as we had agreed to remain friends. I also enquired as to why he hasn't replied to my texts when I have texted him. He informed he knows but wouldn't talk about it. I informed that I would love to see him outside of work. Please not to shy away to which he promised he won't anymore.

After that conversation, he went to put on his jacket and leave. I persuaded him to stay. To which he did.

One of our colleagues sat next to us and asked me about my birthday? I informed I went out with friends. My colleague looked at M and asked as to whether M had gone to celebrate with me. I asked my colleague why would they think that? My colleague informed they know and anyone can see that M and I are close. I informed my colleague that it took me to remind M that it was my birthday to which my colleague jokingly said to M. "Oh M, why didn't you text and wish a happy birthday". At this point, I was drunk. M looked slightly drunk.

Twenty minutes later, the room got louder. When trying to talk to M, he kept asking me to repeat myself as he couldn't hear me. So I went to move my drink over to his and as soon as I got up to sit next to him in order for him to hear me. He grabbed hold of his jacket and went to run out of the pub. I enquired as to why he was rushing out. I was completely speechlous. I didn't know what in the world just happened.

He came back in to say goodbye to a few colleagues. I saw him come back in and tried to find out what the hell is going on? To which I followed him around the pub as he kept on trying to run away. Colleagues saw his behaviour and tried to figure out what was going on. To which he informed he needs to go and then left.*

I followed him outside of the pub to which he asked me to leave him alone. I kept asking him what is going on? To which he said to me, "You need help. You need*psychiatric help. You really do. You need therapy. Just f*** off and leave me alone". To which he walked off and I stood outside the pub. He walked back to me and said, "The police are going to be on to you". Then he walked away.

I managed to sober up but remember everything that happened. I'm incredibly shocked and confused as to what happened.

I won't be contacting him again.*

Maybe someone can explain but I'm extremely confused.
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Default Mar 04, 2019 at 09:16 AM
  #2
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, toughbird Thank you so much for sharing your story here on PC. I agree that it's pretty confusing. Perhaps this person needs to work on himself. I agree that perhaps you should cut off contacts with him. It seems like you've already gave him several chances. I'm so sorry. Sometimes friendship can be confusing. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this
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Default Mar 04, 2019 at 10:08 AM
  #3
Doesn't sound like he wants to have any sort of friendship. Sorry you are going through this. I hope it's something that you can chalk up to life and move forward.
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Default Mar 04, 2019 at 12:01 PM
  #4
Sorry this has caused you so much confusion. From reading what you have shared it sounds like M isn't ready for any kind of commitment and he finally decided to distance from you. He may be feeling like your reaching out to him is uncomfortable and even bordering on feeling stalked by you. The reason I am saying this is because of how he talked about the police and also said you should get psychological help.

For whatever reason M simply was not ready to commit to you, and his actions also conveyed he did not even want to actually connect with you as a friend either. Listen to that and stop looking to keep track of him and instead just let go.
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Default Mar 04, 2019 at 03:02 PM
  #5
It appears as you pursue him rather aggressively. He is pretty clear in his behavior and lack of response to you that he isn’t interested. Just because he smiled when he saw you doesn’t mean you should continue pursuing him, he is just being polite in public. Constantly texting him and then following him around and outside was probably the last straw for him.

I suggest you let him go
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Default Mar 04, 2019 at 03:13 PM
  #6
Divine1966 - Where do you get the impression I pursue him aggressively?
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Default Mar 04, 2019 at 04:33 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by toughbird View Post
Divine1966 - Where do you get the impression I pursue him aggressively?
By aggressively i don’t mean physically aggressively, just very persistent. You text, he doesn’t reply, you then message on Facebook, he doesn’t reply, you are checking if he is online etc you then you text again etc, he doesn’t contact you on your birthday, you text telling him it’s your birthday (why?), when you see him at a gathering you followed him around the pub demanding to know what’s going on, he tries to leave, you insist he stays, he finally leaves, you follow him outside, he tells you to leave him alone, you don’t leave him alone. Thats very persistent way of pursuing someone. That’s why he mentioned involving police

I didn’t say anything different than others said on this thread. He demonstrated through his actions that he isn’t interested in romance of friendship, at this point pursuing him probably need to completely stop. You got to let him go
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Default Mar 04, 2019 at 05:00 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by toughbird View Post

I won't be contacting him again.*
First of all, happy belated birthday to you! 30 is an awesome age!!

I agree with others about letting him go both emotionally and physically. People can file a police report for harassment so you can think of not contacting M. as a way of protecting yourself from legal troubles.

A one-way relationship is no relationship at all. You are still very young and have a bright future ahead of you. So moving forward, you can invest in a two-way relationship where the commitment is mutual.

Best wishes to you.
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Default Mar 04, 2019 at 06:03 PM
  #9
Hello toughbird

I'm going to take a crack at this and just provide my opinion based on what you share.

M and I dated on and off for one year. Became friends then started seeing each other again. M is an introvert. Has depression and anxiety. Scared of commitment. Many people feel he has*aspergers. ((This means he will be unpredictable, lack of emotional self control, and other behaviors that will make the relationship challenging) His always been hot and cold in our relationship. Put the barriers down as soon as I wanted our relationship to progress. As soon as I got close and began to fall in love with him. Which he knew I did. He swore we would never get back together. Seemed to highly resent the fact that I got to close. He would say hurtful things towards me whenever I tried to communicate and try to sort things out. Just kept pushing me away. Put up a wall around him. It hurt seeing him like this as he stopped going out. Hid away in his shell. He started to become his own enemy. ( Sounds like he suffers with either a dismissive or fearful attatchment style which means his an emotionally unavalible guy.)

Everytime he was around me. He resented me and made it known. Stopped replying to my texts. Stopped hanging outside of work. ( Sounds like his had some childhood tramua. Something about getting close to someone scares him greatly. This needs to be addressed with a therapist) So one day, I thought telling him that I don't love him would make it easier for him especially as he seemed to resent the thought that I love him. (I understand why you did this. You thought to get him back was to lie and soothe his fears. This is the wrong thing to do. You are not being true to yourself.) Made things worse. He held a grudge towards me for it. I couldn't seem to win either way. (Due to his hot and cold behaviour, you were probably confused as to why he seemed upset when you told him you don't love him. He may have felt confused himself or rejected).

I was leaving for a new job. I decided to be open and tell the truth about my feelings. I was living in denial if I wasn't been open.

On my final week of leaving my old job. Things between I and him seemed to improve. ( How did things improve? You haven't stated how?)I finally decided that having a friendship with him was more important than having a one sided unhealthy relationship with him. I informed him that I am happy to have a friendship with him. It would be great to meet with up every couple of weeks to hang out. On my last day at work. I and him agreed to go out for a drink and meal. (It's good at this point you realised having a relationship with him wasn't going to work. You realised your self worth.)

When my last day came, he rang me and bailed out going for a drink. Informing he wasn't feeling better with having a cold recently. Informed he has given what I said about meeting up and maintaining a friendship some thought and he would like to meet up in a couple of weeks to go out for Sunday lunch. Kept referring me as mate and laughed numerous times. I felt we had patched things up and things would get better. (Sounds like his fears got in the way. It's the hot and cold behaviour).

A couple of weeks passed. I started my new job. I didn't hear anything from him. No texts. No phone calls - just nothing.

I texted him to ask how he was? But I got no reply back. I left it but later saw him on Facebook. I sent him a message but he seemed fairly distant. Not wanting to talk much. So I reminded him about going out but he didn't answer me. (Maybe after you left. It was the wrong idea contacting him. You really should have left it for him to contact you. Allow him to get in touch first. He may just need space).

I had noticed his facebook activity appeared less active much less since I left. (If his socially isolating, this clearly indicates his having issues that he needs to deal with).

A week later, I texted him him on his work phone wishing him to have a good week. He replied but not much.

On Thursday this week, it was my 30th birthday. My sister shared a post reminding people about it. When it came to my birthday, he didn't even text me to wish me a happy birthday. So I texted him reminding that it's my birthday. He replied 90 mins later saying "have a good one"........ I was a little upset but got over it. I would have thought us being friends - he could have at least texted to wish me a happy birthday. (Maybe he didn't know it was your birthday. Maybe he forgot. I understand why you texted him to remind him. Especially as you are friends).

The next day (last night) the whole team met up for leaving drinks for the contract manager at the pub. As soon as I and he saw each other. His face lit up. He appeared extremely happy to see me. Offered to buy me a drink. We both hugged each other. I was feeling a little anxious but I kept my cool. (Maybe as you haven't seen each other in a while. He was genuinely happy to see you).

When I got up to head to the bar, I caught him looking towards my direction smiling. As soon as he saw me looking, he quickly looked away. He commented on wanting to share the same table I was sitting at to which he did. (He isn't going to sit next to you on your table or look at you if he felt umcomfortale around you. Clearly shows he wanted to be around you hence getting up to sit at your table.)

I sat down and started talking to previous work colleagues. I observed him quite a lot. He appeared very quiet most of the evening. Seemed like he had gone further into his shell since I last saw him. It took a while before we started to talk - me and him. He asked me how the new job was going? I informed him about what has been going on.

I then asked him how he was? He didn't speak much. I asked why has he been quiet in terms of not getting in touch especially as we had agreed to remain friends. I also enquired as to why he hasn't replied to my texts when I have texted him. He informed he knows but wouldn't talk about it. I informed that I would love to see him outside of work. Please not to shy away to which he promised he won't anymore.

After that conversation, he went to put on his jacket and leave. I persuaded him to stay. To which he did. (He probably felt pressured. Felt you were having a go at him. Hence why he went to leave. What is he like with confrontation? I bet due to his emotional unavalibility he runs away).

One of our colleagues sat next to us and asked me about my birthday? I informed I went out with friends. My colleague looked at M and asked as to whether M had gone to celebrate with me. I asked my colleague why would they think that? My colleague informed they know and anyone can see that M and I are close. I informed my colleague that it took me to remind M that it was my birthday to which my colleague jokingly said to M. "Oh M, why didn't you text and wish a happy birthday". At this point, I was drunk. M looked slightly drunk. (He probably felt like he was been ganged up.)

Twenty minutes later, the room got louder. When trying to talk to M, he kept asking me to repeat myself as he couldn't hear me. So I went to move my drink over to his and as soon as I got up to sit next to him in order for him to hear me. He grabbed hold of his jacket and went to run out of the pub. (It all got to much for him. It's fight or flight. It's his issue with intimacy. I think at this point, he felt too pressured. His way of dealing with it was to run away. He probably felt you were going to sit next to him. Too much closeness which is why men like this will always run away from the issue). I enquired as to why he was rushing out. I was completely speechlous. I didn't know what in the world just happened.

He came back in to say goodbye to a few colleagues. I saw him come back in and tried to find out what the hell is going on? To which I followed him around the pub as he kept on trying to run away. Colleagues saw his behaviour and tried to figure out what was going on. To which he informed he needs to go and then left.

I followed him outside of the pub to which he asked me to leave him alone. I kept asking him what is going on? To which he said to me, "You need help. You need psychiatric help. You really do. You need therapy. Just f*** off and leave me alone". To which he walked off and I stood outside the pub. He walked back to me and said, "The police are going to be on to you". Then he walked away. (He's afraid of intimacy, very afraid,...but probably also wants or needs it deep down. Shouting at you was his way of diverting away from his own behaviour. He felt like a caged animal. I'm sure you just wanted to reassure him and try to calm him down. You shouldn't have followed him. Allow him to breathe. He felt it was too much for him).

I managed to sober up but remember everything that happened. I'm incredibly shocked and confused as to what happened.

I won't be contacting him again.

Maybe someone can explain but I'm extremely confused.

What you need to know is this guy has a number of issues wrong with him. He needs to ask and seek professional help in order to deal with his intimacy issues. The only way he can deal with it and handle having close relationships. At this moment, his not ready for what you have to offer him hence why he is being hot and cold. You have been a good friend and extremely patient. My advise would be to focus on your own life. Work on your self esteem. Date someone who can provide emotional intimacy. Don't contact him. Let him contact you when his ready. At the moment, his not ready for a relationship or friendship. The relationship you need to seek is within your self worth. Good luck.
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Default Mar 04, 2019 at 11:45 PM
  #10
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Seemed to highly resent the fact that I got to close.
He gave this signal repeatedly.

He either does not want closeness with you, or he doesn't want closeness with most people/everyone.

You are wise to not contact him again.
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Default Mar 05, 2019 at 02:25 PM
  #11
I'm sorry but he is being quite clear that he no longer wants to communicate with you. Alcohol just muddles things and makes perception unclear. But it's quite obvious if he mentioned the cops, doesn't reply, is lackluster, and so forth he is not interested in any sort of relationship. Even friends. Time to walk away. People come and go from our lives for all sorts of reasons.

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Default Mar 05, 2019 at 02:46 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by Calypso2632 View Post
People come and go from our lives for all sorts of reasons.
Yep, that's right. Toughbird, you can't change the past but moving forward, stick with people who will stick with you. Pursuing people in a one-sided manner will not make them want to be around you, but will have an opposite effect.

Nevertheless, it's good that you decided not to contact M. again. It's really good that you are starting to make changes as a very young person, so you can pursue healthy and mutual relationships for many hopeful years to come.
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Default Mar 05, 2019 at 07:33 PM
  #13
He did show a little confusing behavior, which is what encouraged you. Also, his saying he would call police was extreme beyond the scope of anything you described you did. I empathize with your confusion.

I have found that many men will do/say anything to avoid confrontation when they are not interested in a woman who is pursuing them. They will encourage and even lie to not have to just tell the truth from the start when they are just not into you.

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Default Mar 05, 2019 at 08:47 PM
  #14
In my view it stems fears of intimacy. I feel I got too close and he ultimately pushed me away. The distancing only started to happen as he knew my feelings were strong. He even got nasty and really horrible. Admitted he has serious fears about intimacy. Something about intimacy makes him run scared.

He even said once every time he sees me his reminded that I got too close and that was enough for him.

That night he showed a lot of confusion as he was happy to see me. Kept looking at me when I got up and even moved to my table in order to sit near me. If he felt stalked or scared. He will sit away from me surely right?

Although I confronted him about the lack of replies since I left. I think he misinterpreted that me sitting next to him was only done in order for him to hear what I was saying as the room became too loud.

I do believe him running off was due to too much closeness. I tried to calm him down hence why I followed him to try to reassure him. But we were both drunk.

I reached out by texting every once in a few weeks not every day. Because he is an isolated and social ackward person. I was trying to be a caring friend.

Bottom line is this man has serious intimacy issues that will follow him and affect all close relationships. Unless he seeks help to address it. It will always be an issue. To both intimate and friendships.

The only difference is now I chose not to be a pawn in this game any longer than I already have.

He has already had a previous girlfriend go through the same thing as me to the point they dated. He went cold on her. She became friends. Then they started texting. Thrn she got rid of him and cut contact.

The only thing I should have done is not allowing it to drag on as long as it did. I should have cut contact and walked away.

My conscious is clear and I don't feel I have done anything wrong except in trying to be a good girlfriend and friend. The issue is with him and not me.
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Default Mar 05, 2019 at 09:51 PM
  #15
It does sound like it’s more on him, and he does have some intimacy issues. You didn’t do anything so bad. Just leaving him alone now is your best course of action.

I had an ex with similar issues. He’s take two steps forward/ three steps back. He made a comment that I had ‘child bearing hips’ and cooled off to me. Mind you, I had a thin, great figure. His issues!

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Default Mar 06, 2019 at 01:23 PM
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My conscious is clear and I don't feel I have done anything wrong except in trying to be a good girlfriend and friend. The issue is with him and not me.
I believe that you had only good intentions. But it's good to remember that even with the absolutely best intentions, our actions could come out wrong sometimes.
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Default Mar 06, 2019 at 01:50 PM
  #17
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Originally Posted by ennie View Post
I believe that you had only good intentions. But it's good to remember that even with the absolutely best intentions, our actions could come out wrong sometimes.
Well it's always best to ask before making assumptions.
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Default Mar 06, 2019 at 01:59 PM
  #18
I would hesitate to place "blame" on anyone. the two involved in this situation are not meshing and quite different. I dont' see anything in what he did as being the one to blame for everything nor is it all on him.

On the flip side, pursuit of someone that has made it clear that they are not interested is bordering on harassment imo. If I was to ignore or reply in short to someone only to find they not only follow up with me again on fb or other social media, I would have blocked at that point. Following someone to ask them repeatedly "why" they were leaving even tot he point that you follow them outside shows that although the man may have issues with intimacy as you say, I believe that you have a boundary issue that you seem to cross a lot.

Not placing the blame on either person but I think that it's unfair to say either of the two people were to blame for the failure of this friendship.
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Default Mar 06, 2019 at 05:11 PM
  #19
I’d say you can only be a good girlfriend or a friend if the other person wants the same. If they clearly don’t, then it doesn’t really matter if they have intimacy issue or just aren’t interested. You can’t be their friend if they aren’t up to it.

I’d focus on roots of this attraction to unavailable man and this desire to pursue him no matter what. I’d not focus on why he did this or that because frankly it doesn’t matter, at this point he is gone, and good riddance.

But it’s important to reflect on your actions, your attraction to these kind of men and your behavior. If you don’t look into it, you run a risk of next man being just as disinterested and you being just as willing to chase him (instead of looking for available and willing men who resipocate to your advances)

I don’t know if you see a therapist but it could be very helpful in working on these issues. You deserve a loving man by your side
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Default Mar 07, 2019 at 12:24 AM
  #20
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
If you don’t look into it, you run a risk of next man being just as disinterested and you being just as willing to chase him (instead of looking for available and willing men who resipocate to your advances)
That could be a vicious cycle.

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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
You deserve a loving man by your side
As a woman, I agree.
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