I'm Confused Even More!!! - Forums at Psych Central



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-04-2019, 07:52 AM #1
toughbird toughbird is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: London
Posts: 28
toughbird toughbird is offline
Member
toughbird has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: London
Posts: 28

1 yr Member
Default I'm Confused Even More!!!

Hi All

I'm going to refer him as M.*

M and I dated on and off for one year. Became friends then started seeing each other again. M is an introvert. Has depression and anxiety. Scared of commitment. Many people feel he has*aspergers. His always been hot and cold in our relationship. Put the barriers down as soon as I wanted our relationship to progress. As soon as I got close and began to fall in love with him. Which he knew I did. He swore we would never get back together. Seemed to highly resent the fact that I got to close. He would say hurtful things towards me whenever I tried to communicate and try to sort things out. Just kept pushing me away. Put up a wall around him. It hurt seeing him like this as he stopped going out. Hid away in his shell. He started to become his own enemy.

Everytime he was around me. He resented me and made it known. Stopped replying to my texts. Stopped hanging outside of work. So one day, I thought telling him that I don't love him would make it easier for him especially as he seemed to resent the thought that I love him. Made things worse. He held a grudge towards me for it. I couldn't seem to win either way.

I was leaving for a new job. I decided to be open and tell the truth about my feelings. I was living in denial if I wasn't been open.

On my final week of leaving my old job. Things between I and him seemed to improve. I finally decided that having a friendship with him was more important than having a one sided unhealthy relationship with him. I informed him that I am happy to have a friendship with him. It would be great to meet with up every couple of weeks to hang out. On my last day at work. I and him agreed to go out for a drink and meal.

When my last day came, he rang me and bailed out going for a drink. Informing he wasn't feeling better with having a cold recently. Informed he has given what I said about meeting up and maintaining a friendship some thought and he would like to meet up in a couple of weeks to go out for Sunday lunch. Kept referring me as mate and laughed numerous times. I felt we had patched things up and things would get better.

A couple of weeks passed. I started my new job. I didn't hear anything from him. No texts. No phone calls - just nothing.

I texted him to ask how he was? But I got no reply back. I left it but later saw him on Facebook. I sent him a message but he seemed fairly distant. Not wanting to talk much. So I reminded him about going out but he didn't answer me.*

I had noticed his facebook activity appeared less active much less since I left.

A week later, I texted him him on his work phone wishing him to have a good week. He replied but not much.

On Thursday this week, it was my 30th birthday. My sister shared a post reminding people about it. When it came to my birthday, he didn't even text me to wish me a happy birthday. So I texted him reminding that it's my birthday. He replied 90 mins later saying "have a good one"........ I was a little upset but got over it. I would have thought us being friends - he could have at least texted to wish me a happy birthday.

The next day (last night) the whole team met up for leaving drinks for the contract manager at the pub. As soon as I and he saw each other. His face lit up. He appeared extremely happy to see me. Offered to buy me a drink. We both hugged each other. I was feeling a little anxious but I kept my cool.

When I got up to head to the bar, I caught him looking towards my direction smiling. As soon as he saw me looking, he quickly looked away. He commented on wanting to share the same table I was sitting at to which he did.

I sat down and started talking to previous work colleagues. I observed him quite a lot. He appeared very quiet most of the evening. Seemed like he had gone further into his shell since I last saw him. It took a while before we started to talk - me and him. He asked me how the new job was going? I informed him about what has been going on.*

I then asked him how he was? He didn't speak much. I asked why has he been quiet in terms of not getting in touch especially as we had agreed to remain friends. I also enquired as to why he hasn't replied to my texts when I have texted him. He informed he knows but wouldn't talk about it. I informed that I would love to see him outside of work. Please not to shy away to which he promised he won't anymore.

After that conversation, he went to put on his jacket and leave. I persuaded him to stay. To which he did.

One of our colleagues sat next to us and asked me about my birthday? I informed I went out with friends. My colleague looked at M and asked as to whether M had gone to celebrate with me. I asked my colleague why would they think that? My colleague informed they know and anyone can see that M and I are close. I informed my colleague that it took me to remind M that it was my birthday to which my colleague jokingly said to M. "Oh M, why didn't you text and wish a happy birthday". At this point, I was drunk. M looked slightly drunk.

Twenty minutes later, the room got louder. When trying to talk to M, he kept asking me to repeat myself as he couldn't hear me. So I went to move my drink over to his and as soon as I got up to sit next to him in order for him to hear me. He grabbed hold of his jacket and went to run out of the pub. I enquired as to why he was rushing out. I was completely speechlous. I didn't know what in the world just happened.

He came back in to say goodbye to a few colleagues. I saw him come back in and tried to find out what the hell is going on? To which I followed him around the pub as he kept on trying to run away. Colleagues saw his behaviour and tried to figure out what was going on. To which he informed he needs to go and then left.*

I followed him outside of the pub to which he asked me to leave him alone. I kept asking him what is going on? To which he said to me, "You need help. You need*psychiatric help. You really do. You need therapy. Just f*** off and leave me alone". To which he walked off and I stood outside the pub. He walked back to me and said, "The police are going to be on to you". Then he walked away.

I managed to sober up but remember everything that happened. I'm incredibly shocked and confused as to what happened.

I won't be contacting him again.*

Maybe someone can explain but I'm extremely confused.
toughbird is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 03-04-2019, 08:16 AM #2
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky MickeyCheeky is offline
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,434
MickeyCheeky MickeyCheeky is offline
Wise Elder
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,434 (SuperPoster!)

2 yr Member
30.6k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: I'm Confused Even More!!!

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, toughbird Thank you so much for sharing your story here on PC. I agree that it's pretty confusing. Perhaps this person needs to work on himself. I agree that perhaps you should cut off contacts with him. It seems like you've already gave him several chances. I'm so sorry. Sometimes friendship can be confusing. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-04-2019, 09:08 AM #3
healingme4me's Avatar
healingme4me healingme4me is offline
Perpetually Pondering
Community Liaison
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 45,975
healingme4me healingme4me is offline
Perpetually Pondering
Community Liaison
healingme4me's Avatar
healingme4me Needs a little reading lamp.
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 45,975 (SuperPoster!)

5 yr Member
6,411 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: I'm Confused Even More!!!

Doesn't sound like he wants to have any sort of friendship. Sorry you are going through this. I hope it's something that you can chalk up to life and move forward.
healingme4me is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-04-2019, 11:01 AM #4
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Open Eyes is online now
Legendary
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 18,426
Open Eyes Open Eyes is online now
Legendary
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 18,426 (SuperPoster!)

8 yr Member
15.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: I'm Confused Even More!!!

Sorry this has caused you so much confusion. From reading what you have shared it sounds like M isn't ready for any kind of commitment and he finally decided to distance from you. He may be feeling like your reaching out to him is uncomfortable and even bordering on feeling stalked by you. The reason I am saying this is because of how he talked about the police and also said you should get psychological help.

For whatever reason M simply was not ready to commit to you, and his actions also conveyed he did not even want to actually connect with you as a friend either. Listen to that and stop looking to keep track of him and instead just let go.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-04-2019, 02:02 PM #5
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 divine1966 is online now
Legendary
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 13,381
divine1966 divine1966 is online now
Legendary
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 13,381 (SuperPoster!)

3 yr Member
446 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: I'm Confused Even More!!!

It appears as you pursue him rather aggressively. He is pretty clear in his behavior and lack of response to you that he isnít interested. Just because he smiled when he saw you doesnít mean you should continue pursuing him, he is just being polite in public. Constantly texting him and then following him around and outside was probably the last straw for him.

I suggest you let him go
divine1966 is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 03-04-2019, 02:13 PM #6
toughbird toughbird is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: London
Posts: 28
toughbird toughbird is offline
Member
toughbird has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: London
Posts: 28

1 yr Member
Default Re: I'm Confused Even More!!!

Divine1966 - Where do you get the impression I pursue him aggressively?
toughbird is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 03-04-2019, 03:33 PM #7
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 divine1966 is online now
Legendary
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 13,381
divine1966 divine1966 is online now
Legendary
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 13,381 (SuperPoster!)

3 yr Member
446 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: I'm Confused Even More!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by toughbird View Post
Divine1966 - Where do you get the impression I pursue him aggressively?
By aggressively i donít mean physically aggressively, just very persistent. You text, he doesnít reply, you then message on Facebook, he doesnít reply, you are checking if he is online etc you then you text again etc, he doesnít contact you on your birthday, you text telling him itís your birthday (why?), when you see him at a gathering you followed him around the pub demanding to know whatís going on, he tries to leave, you insist he stays, he finally leaves, you follow him outside, he tells you to leave him alone, you donít leave him alone. Thats very persistent way of pursuing someone. Thatís why he mentioned involving police

I didnít say anything different than others said on this thread. He demonstrated through his actions that he isnít interested in romance of friendship, at this point pursuing him probably need to completely stop. You got to let him go
divine1966 is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 03-04-2019, 04:00 PM #8
ennie's Avatar
ennie ennie is offline
Veteran Member
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: United States of America
Posts: 716
ennie ennie is offline
Veteran Member
ennie's Avatar
ennie has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: United States of America
Posts: 716 (SuperPoster!)

1,426 hugs
given
Default Re: I'm Confused Even More!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by toughbird View Post

I won't be contacting him again.*
First of all, happy belated birthday to you! 30 is an awesome age!!

I agree with others about letting him go both emotionally and physically. People can file a police report for harassment so you can think of not contacting M. as a way of protecting yourself from legal troubles.

A one-way relationship is no relationship at all. You are still very young and have a bright future ahead of you. So moving forward, you can invest in a two-way relationship where the commitment is mutual.

Best wishes to you.
ennie is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-04-2019, 05:03 PM #9
thatright thatright is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: Dec 2012
Posts: 2
thatright thatright is offline
New Member
thatright has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2012
Posts: 2

5 yr Member
Default Re: I'm Confused Even More!!!

Hello toughbird

I'm going to take a crack at this and just provide my opinion based on what you share.

M and I dated on and off for one year. Became friends then started seeing each other again. M is an introvert. Has depression and anxiety. Scared of commitment. Many people feel he has*aspergers. ((This means he will be unpredictable, lack of emotional self control, and other behaviors that will make the relationship challenging) His always been hot and cold in our relationship. Put the barriers down as soon as I wanted our relationship to progress. As soon as I got close and began to fall in love with him. Which he knew I did. He swore we would never get back together. Seemed to highly resent the fact that I got to close. He would say hurtful things towards me whenever I tried to communicate and try to sort things out. Just kept pushing me away. Put up a wall around him. It hurt seeing him like this as he stopped going out. Hid away in his shell. He started to become his own enemy. ( Sounds like he suffers with either a dismissive or fearful attatchment style which means his an emotionally unavalible guy.)

Everytime he was around me. He resented me and made it known. Stopped replying to my texts. Stopped hanging outside of work. ( Sounds like his had some childhood tramua. Something about getting close to someone scares him greatly. This needs to be addressed with a therapist) So one day, I thought telling him that I don't love him would make it easier for him especially as he seemed to resent the thought that I love him. (I understand why you did this. You thought to get him back was to lie and soothe his fears. This is the wrong thing to do. You are not being true to yourself.) Made things worse. He held a grudge towards me for it. I couldn't seem to win either way. (Due to his hot and cold behaviour, you were probably confused as to why he seemed upset when you told him you don't love him. He may have felt confused himself or rejected).

I was leaving for a new job. I decided to be open and tell the truth about my feelings. I was living in denial if I wasn't been open.

On my final week of leaving my old job. Things between I and him seemed to improve. ( How did things improve? You haven't stated how?)I finally decided that having a friendship with him was more important than having a one sided unhealthy relationship with him. I informed him that I am happy to have a friendship with him. It would be great to meet with up every couple of weeks to hang out. On my last day at work. I and him agreed to go out for a drink and meal. (It's good at this point you realised having a relationship with him wasn't going to work. You realised your self worth.)

When my last day came, he rang me and bailed out going for a drink. Informing he wasn't feeling better with having a cold recently. Informed he has given what I said about meeting up and maintaining a friendship some thought and he would like to meet up in a couple of weeks to go out for Sunday lunch. Kept referring me as mate and laughed numerous times. I felt we had patched things up and things would get better. (Sounds like his fears got in the way. It's the hot and cold behaviour).

A couple of weeks passed. I started my new job. I didn't hear anything from him. No texts. No phone calls - just nothing.

I texted him to ask how he was? But I got no reply back. I left it but later saw him on Facebook. I sent him a message but he seemed fairly distant. Not wanting to talk much. So I reminded him about going out but he didn't answer me. (Maybe after you left. It was the wrong idea contacting him. You really should have left it for him to contact you. Allow him to get in touch first. He may just need space).

I had noticed his facebook activity appeared less active much less since I left. (If his socially isolating, this clearly indicates his having issues that he needs to deal with).

A week later, I texted him him on his work phone wishing him to have a good week. He replied but not much.

On Thursday this week, it was my 30th birthday. My sister shared a post reminding people about it. When it came to my birthday, he didn't even text me to wish me a happy birthday. So I texted him reminding that it's my birthday. He replied 90 mins later saying "have a good one"........ I was a little upset but got over it. I would have thought us being friends - he could have at least texted to wish me a happy birthday. (Maybe he didn't know it was your birthday. Maybe he forgot. I understand why you texted him to remind him. Especially as you are friends).

The next day (last night) the whole team met up for leaving drinks for the contract manager at the pub. As soon as I and he saw each other. His face lit up. He appeared extremely happy to see me. Offered to buy me a drink. We both hugged each other. I was feeling a little anxious but I kept my cool. (Maybe as you haven't seen each other in a while. He was genuinely happy to see you).

When I got up to head to the bar, I caught him looking towards my direction smiling. As soon as he saw me looking, he quickly looked away. He commented on wanting to share the same table I was sitting at to which he did. (He isn't going to sit next to you on your table or look at you if he felt umcomfortale around you. Clearly shows he wanted to be around you hence getting up to sit at your table.)

I sat down and started talking to previous work colleagues. I observed him quite a lot. He appeared very quiet most of the evening. Seemed like he had gone further into his shell since I last saw him. It took a while before we started to talk - me and him. He asked me how the new job was going? I informed him about what has been going on.

I then asked him how he was? He didn't speak much. I asked why has he been quiet in terms of not getting in touch especially as we had agreed to remain friends. I also enquired as to why he hasn't replied to my texts when I have texted him. He informed he knows but wouldn't talk about it. I informed that I would love to see him outside of work. Please not to shy away to which he promised he won't anymore.

After that conversation, he went to put on his jacket and leave. I persuaded him to stay. To which he did. (He probably felt pressured. Felt you were having a go at him. Hence why he went to leave. What is he like with confrontation? I bet due to his emotional unavalibility he runs away).

One of our colleagues sat next to us and asked me about my birthday? I informed I went out with friends. My colleague looked at M and asked as to whether M had gone to celebrate with me. I asked my colleague why would they think that? My colleague informed they know and anyone can see that M and I are close. I informed my colleague that it took me to remind M that it was my birthday to which my colleague jokingly said to M. "Oh M, why didn't you text and wish a happy birthday". At this point, I was drunk. M looked slightly drunk. (He probably felt like he was been ganged up.)

Twenty minutes later, the room got louder. When trying to talk to M, he kept asking me to repeat myself as he couldn't hear me. So I went to move my drink over to his and as soon as I got up to sit next to him in order for him to hear me. He grabbed hold of his jacket and went to run out of the pub. (It all got to much for him. It's fight or flight. It's his issue with intimacy. I think at this point, he felt too pressured. His way of dealing with it was to run away. He probably felt you were going to sit next to him. Too much closeness which is why men like this will always run away from the issue). I enquired as to why he was rushing out. I was completely speechlous. I didn't know what in the world just happened.

He came back in to say goodbye to a few colleagues. I saw him come back in and tried to find out what the hell is going on? To which I followed him around the pub as he kept on trying to run away. Colleagues saw his behaviour and tried to figure out what was going on. To which he informed he needs to go and then left.

I followed him outside of the pub to which he asked me to leave him alone. I kept asking him what is going on? To which he said to me, "You need help. You need psychiatric help. You really do. You need therapy. Just f*** off and leave me alone". To which he walked off and I stood outside the pub. He walked back to me and said, "The police are going to be on to you". Then he walked away. (He's afraid of intimacy, very afraid,...but probably also wants or needs it deep down. Shouting at you was his way of diverting away from his own behaviour. He felt like a caged animal. I'm sure you just wanted to reassure him and try to calm him down. You shouldn't have followed him. Allow him to breathe. He felt it was too much for him).

I managed to sober up but remember everything that happened. I'm incredibly shocked and confused as to what happened.

I won't be contacting him again.

Maybe someone can explain but I'm extremely confused.

What you need to know is this guy has a number of issues wrong with him. He needs to ask and seek professional help in order to deal with his intimacy issues. The only way he can deal with it and handle having close relationships. At this moment, his not ready for what you have to offer him hence why he is being hot and cold. You have been a good friend and extremely patient. My advise would be to focus on your own life. Work on your self esteem. Date someone who can provide emotional intimacy. Don't contact him. Let him contact you when his ready. At the moment, his not ready for a relationship or friendship. The relationship you need to seek is within your self worth. Good luck.
thatright is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 03-04-2019, 10:45 PM #10
Bill3 Bill3 is online now
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 8,872
Bill3 Bill3 is online now
Wise Elder
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 8,872 (SuperPoster!)

10 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: I'm Confused Even More!!!

Quote:
Seemed to highly resent the fact that I got to close.
He gave this signal repeatedly.

He either does not want closeness with you, or he doesn't want closeness with most people/everyone.

You are wise to not contact him again.
Bill3 is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:35 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.