When friend doesnt want to accept your apology

Default What to do when a friend doesnt accept your apology
Why wouldn't someone not accept a apology from what happened 2 years ago?

I wrote this message to them down below.

Dear Joise.
How are you?
I want to apologize what happened back at 2017. From what I recalled and experience myself that I sent a picture of my art and I received a message saying "It looks good but don't you think the head is too big" when I read this I took this as criticism as the whole being of myself as a bad person. At that time I did not know what was going on. So I responded with "I dont appreciate the negative comment" I recalled that you were upset and hurt. When I received the messages I felt attacked and I couldn't understand why at the time you were upset. I thought at the time I was going by what old therapist told me what to say in situations like that. I didnt realised that I dismissed you and your comment and your feedback and I'm sorry for that.
I also want to apologize for talking to Hank about you to him. I own that responsibility and I know talking behind people backs go against my vaules that why I felt so guilty at that time. At that time I wasnt aware of my emotions or what I was doing. I was at the time seeking understanding and vaildatation since at that time my partner didnt know how and my family didnt. I know it's very hurtful to be spoken behind someone back I have experience this too. I assume you felt betrayed and rejected that I spoke behind your back which is understandable I would feel that too. Probably felt you couldn't trust me anymore cause I broke your trust. Also when you helped me through message and I said only adrian cared maybe felt taken advantage of and not appreciated you helped me. And maybe felt used. I apologize for all of that. Also for defriending you and adding you friend on facebook I now understand what was going on. I was scared I be rejected and when I de friended you I felt guilty and then I got scared again. Because of my sensitivity to rejection. Which isnt you it's me and back in my family.history.
I send this to make peace. It's ok if you dont want to be friends I understand. I just want to make peace and let you know. I wish you a happy fillfulled life and may peace always be in your heart where ever you go in life.

So "apparently" that friend sent it. But his comments became short me to me recently online. I noticed a change of behaviour response. I had this strange feeling maybe Joise and him were talking behind my back.

Well I learnt this friend lied to me. They claim that they were going to a boot camp and be back in the city on 22 February. That there boot camp was for 6 weeks but was going for 2 weeks. I asked questions about it but them seem very vague. They showed me on the map online were they were going. Which I learnt was the same area where my mum grew up. Anyway they posted a video on Instagram of them running on a beach and I thought maybe it's part of there boot camp. I eventually learnt following day there was photo of them and Joise. My gosh it ruined my whole day. I cried I had hot flashes on my cheeks I still dont know why I had hot flashes on my cheeks. I unfollow them so I won't be triggered by that again! I felt betrayed. Yes I did use DBT skills put my face in cold water but it didbt work. I used this sheet my therapist gave me to ask how am I feeling and wise mind but it didnt work even later on that evening. I just got unhelpful thoughts in my mind.

And well joise never replied to my response. That friend said "apparently" probably lying anyway. That they will reply when she "ready".

It really upset me. Because I put a lot of thought in that message and they probably knowing them tell themselves some story like I got the therapist to write that which isnt true because I clearly remember writing the message at a evening on a Sunday!

After number of weeks I show my apology to my therapist and they said it was perfect!
So I'm really dumbfounded.

I would say Joise did builled me with this other person we will name then Annabelle back when we did a art course.
Annabelle well we had history of her bullying me at high school to the point I had 6 weeks off school! And she even builled my little sister who had none thing to do with what happened between me and her. That we both had to change schools. That was all girl catholic school. So it was great the one year! No Annabelle! But she did try to spread rumours of me to this one guy in my school. The following year she came to my school! I was so terrified. We eventually became friends. But, she builled me again at the art course with Joise that I had to change classes.

After the 2 year mark I thought to like there at on Instagram and I dont know what happened I thought to look them up on facebook and I was suddenly blocked by them after 2 years! Of not talking

Well following year I try to mend things between them at the art course but I wasnt allowed to sit next to them.
I never had let's say heathly friends so I end up being friends with bullies.

I guess my question is how do I let it go and move on. I dont know how? There is also the fear that joise goes around and talks behind my back so even if I try to apply to an art job she say nah dont get her. I never succeed in my art. She works in the art industry but in some game company. So I dont know what to do.

I just dont know how to move on from this. I dont have any friends.

So Hank and Joise were the only two friends you had? I hope can make more new friends.

It's very possible that she has forgiven you in her heart and is at peace. She may even be wishing you happiness in her heart. But you need to remember that forgiveness does not always equate to reconciliation.

What is Forgiveness?

I'll respond a bit differently than I did on this same post you made a couple hours ago.

If an old friend doesn't accept an apology especially when it's been 2 years I'll move on. The friendship is over and no point to give you false hope. Theres times people are just done.

P.S. Okay, I remember Hank now from your previous post. This is a relationally-unsafe man that you need to stay away from anyway. You deserve much better. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I hope you find good people to be friends with.

I want to make sure I reply delicately so please do not take my directness as any sort of criticism.

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Originally Posted by TeaFruit Dear Joise. How are you? I want to apologize what happened back at 2017. From what I recalled and experience myself that I sent a picture of my art and I received a message saying "It looks good but don't you think the head is too big" when I read this I took this as criticism as the whole being of myself as a bad person. At that time I did not know what was going on. So I responded with "I dont appreciate the negative comment" I recalled that you were upset and hurt. When I received the messages I felt attacked and I couldn't understand why at the time you were upset. I thought at the time I was going by what old therapist told me what to say in situations like that. I didnt realised that I dismissed you and your comment and your feedback and I'm sorry for that. I also want to apologize for talking to Hank about you to him. I own that responsibility and I know talking behind people backs go against my vaules that why I felt so guilty at that time. At that time I wasnt aware of my emotions or what I was doing. I was at the time seeking understanding and vaildatation since at that time my partner didnt know how and my family didnt. I know it's very hurtful to be spoken behind someone back I have experience this too. I assume you felt betrayed and rejected that I spoke behind your back which is understandable I would feel that too. Probably felt you couldn't trust me anymore cause I broke your trust. Also when you helped me through message and I said only adrian cared maybe felt taken advantage of and not appreciated you helped me. And maybe felt used. I apologize for all of that. Also for defriending you and adding you friend on facebook I now understand what was going on. I was scared I be rejected and when I de friended you I felt guilty and then I got scared again. Because of my sensitivity to rejection. Which isnt you it's me and back in my family.history.

When we apologize it is for our peace-not theirs. Of course we would like them to accept it and have things be like they were but a true apology has to be to apologize for the hurt we have caused and know that we did our best to make it right. You were very validating in what you said but sometimes explaining why we did the wrong thing can be taken as excuses. Sometimes it sounds like we are justifying the reasons we made mistakes. Very often we do not mean to but it can seem that way to the people we hurt. I have apologized this way before.

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I send this to make peace. It's ok if you dont want to be friends I understand. I just want to make peace and let you know. I wish you a happy fillfulled life and may peace always be in your heart where ever you go in life.

This is excellent. It wishing her well, and letting her know there are no expectations and that you just wanted to clear the air.

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So "apparently" that friend sent it.

Do you mean you had a friend send the apology? Was it because Josie blocked you?

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But his comments became short me to me recently online. I noticed a change of behaviour response. I had this strange feeling maybe Joise and him were talking behind my back.

If you had a friend send your apology then you invited him into the situation. They probably are or were talking about it but you sort of "ok'd" that by having him send it.

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Well I learnt this friend lied to me. They claim that they were going to a boot camp and be back in the city on 22 February. That there boot camp was for 6 weeks but was going for 2 weeks. I asked questions about it but them seem very vague. They showed me on the map online were they were going. Which I learnt was the same area where my mum grew up. Anyway they posted a video on Instagram of them running on a beach and I thought maybe it's part of there boot camp. I eventually learnt following day there was photo of them and Joise. My gosh it ruined my whole day. I cried I had hot flashes on my cheeks I still dont know why I had hot flashes on my cheeks. I unfollow them so I won't be triggered by that again! I felt betrayed. Yes I did use DBT skills put my face in cold water but it didbt work. I used this sheet my therapist gave me to ask how am I feeling and wise mind but it didnt work even later on that evening. I just got unhelpful thoughts in my mind.

I understand why you felt this way, and its a shame your friend felt they couldn't tell you that they were hanging out with joise. But at the same time maybe they were trying to keep you from being hurt by knowing that. It's good that you unfollowed them. Social media is like the worst way of airing, solving and dealing with problems and IS its own problem. It can be very triggering.

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And well joise never replied to my response. That friend said "apparently" probably lying anyway. That they will reply when she "ready".

She may never reply which is why I mentioned that an apology is about making things right, and you did. But you also said that you understood that she may not want to be friends and that you had no expectations. You have to stay true to what you told her. She may not accept your apology. We cant control if others accept our apologies. We just do it to right a wrong- whatever the other person does or says about it isnt in our control. We get peace by knowing we tried.

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It really upset me. Because I put a lot of thought in that message and they probably knowing them tell themselves some story like I got the therapist to write that which isnt true because I clearly remember writing the message at a evening on a Sunday! After number of weeks I show my apology to my therapist and they said it was perfect! So I'm really dumbfounded.

You can't project what you think they are thinking. You do not know that they think your therapist wrote the message, its your mind playing tricks on you.

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I would say Joise did builled me with this other person we will name then Annabelle back when we did a art course. Annabelle well we had history of her bullying me at high school to the point I had 6 weeks off school! And she even builled my little sister who had none thing to do with what happened between me and her. That we both had to change schools. That was all girl catholic school. So it was great the one year! No Annabelle! But she did try to spread rumours of me to this one guy in my school. The following year she came to my school! I was so terrified. We eventually became friends. But, she builled me again at the art course with Joise that I had to change classes.

So Joise was your friend but also friends with your bully? And bullied you too? If that is true why bother being friends with her?

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Well following year I try to mend things between them at the art course but I wasnt allowed to sit next to them. I never had let's say heathly friends so I end up being friends with bullies.

I am so sorry about this. It is so hard picking the right friends when we want love and acceptance. Many times when we do not get this in other areas, we tolerate unkind behavior in others because we are so lonely.

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I guess my question is how do I let it go and move on. I dont know how? There is also the fear that joise goes around and talks behind my back so even if I try to apply to an art job she say nah dont get her. I never succeed in my art. She works in the art industry but in some game company. So I dont know what to do. I just dont know how to move on from this. I dont have any friends.

I wish letting it go and moving on were easier. I think the fact that you are trying to use your DBT skills and wise mind is a good thing. Another DBT thing that comes to mind is radical acceptance. Sometimes we have to get to a point where we completely give up trying to control a situation and accept the way it is, in that moment. One moment at a time. Do not think about what she or the others are doing or saying. Even if you knew you couldn't control it or stop it. And you know it would hurt you. I recommend blocking them on social media. If Joise wants to reach you, she will find a way to. But its like torturing yourself if you are able to see what they are up to. I am sorry about your friend troubles. I am wondering how old you are? Do you mind sharing that? I want to again validate your pain and commend you on trying so hard to do the right thing. That is no easy task and you are brave for doing it.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, TeaFruit It seems like a very hard and complicated situation for you. Please don't give up. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. Sometimes people can decide not to accept our apology. We just need to accept that. It can happen. It's not your fault. I'm so sorry, I know it's not easy to accept. I hope you'll be able to move on. Unfortunately things in life can change. We can't really control how others will react to us. What matters is that you've wrote a really good apology and that you have at least tried to make peace with your friend or not. Whether or not she'll accept it or not is up to her. You can't control her decision. Try not to think about it too much. If she'll want you back in your life, she'll contact you. I'd suggest to focus on yourself for a while now. Just try to do something nice for yourself. You deserve to take a break from all of this. I'm so sorry you've had bad experiences with friends so far. I hope you'll be able to find some friend that truly love you for who you truly are. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Perhaps you could talk to him about this and see how it goes from there. Please don't give up. Moving on isn't easy, but it can be done. It just takes time and effort. Stay strong, TeaFruit. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be able to get through this. Just focus on yourself, give it time, try to do your best and do something nice for yourself. You deserve it. I hope things will get better soon for you. We're here for you if you need to talk about it. We all care about you here. We all love you here. You have definitely some friends in us. Feel free to vent here as much as you want. You know we won't judge you. I promise you that. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

apologies are like gifts.....some are welcome & accepted others not so much. you can't make a person accept it. best I can say is …..you tried. people grow, adapt, move on. it's likely you might have as well. you can't make someone like you. you have to like yourself first. get comfortable with you & then things might change.

don't waste your time worrying if someone talks behind your back. if they do? not much you can do to stop them. if they don't, it's wasted time worrying. either way it is something you have no control over.

in some ways you are doing the exact thing you are worrying about...talking behind people's backs. see, it happens to everyone. just make peace with yourself and leave it in your past.

Hello TeaFruit. Thank you for sharing your truth. That is not easy to do, so well done! You seem very brave. I admire you for taking ownership of your actions and making a direct apology. If only people would always graciously accept our apologies, especially when we go to lengths to be clear and honest. It would have been lovely if you received a nice reply. I'm sorry that didn't happen. I did not fully understand the complexities of your situation with the former friends so I'll focus on the apology part and the fact that you are having trouble moving on because you don't have other friends.

A sincere apology is a beautiful thing whether it is accepted and reciprocated or not. You did the right thing by genuinely saying sorry. The outcome on your friend's side does not change the value of your apology. Your self-reflection on what went wrong from your side is also very important. This will help you to not hit the repeat button with future friends.

Please remember that not having other friends now does NOT mean that you'll never have friends. In the meantime, what about a volunteer opportunity? A way to connect with others sharing a common goal without the pressure of needing to suddenly make friends and socialize. Volunteering could help to reduce loneliness and add a sense of healthy connection to your life. When we help others, we also help ourselves. There's a lot of research out there on that topic if you're interested.

What makes you happy? What makes you feel good within yourself? Write that down and make it a frequent habit. Even something as simple as "I feel good when I go for a walk." The more you honor and appreciate yourself, the less you will feel bothered by the breakdown in prior friendships.

Peace and healing energy to you.