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avlady
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Default Mar 09, 2019 at 02:03 PM
  #21
all above sounds good!!!!
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Default Mar 09, 2019 at 03:28 PM
  #22
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
...especially when you have already done the behavior that you are now refusing to no longer do. So proceed with caution, folks.

Making copies shouldn’t be too bad an issue to have to deal with. Be strong.
Yes, it's hard to break off someone's habit of relying on me constantly for many years. Why do people think that they can just borrow stuff from me and never buy if I have something, like

"Oh, you have a carpet cleaner. I was going to buy one, but good, I can just borrow it from you."

Same thing with the land mower. I don't look through someone's garage and think about what I don't have to buy!
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Default Mar 09, 2019 at 08:56 PM
  #23
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Originally Posted by ennie View Post
Yes, it's hard to break off someone's habit of relying on me constantly for many years. Why do people think that they can just borrow stuff from me and never buy if I have something, like

"Oh, you have a carpet cleaner. I was going to buy one, but good, I can just borrow it from you."

Same thing with the land mower. I don't look through someone's garage and think about what I don't have to buy!
You must have been very generous and sharing of your things in the past. That’s why they assume you will let them borrow your stuff?

I bought I purse while with a friend, an expensive evening bag. She made a comment that she was going to borrow it. I didn’t say a word. Had she asked, I’d have said ‘no’. The nerve of her, IMHO. We’re not really friends any more. She was really rude and nervy with other things, too.

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Last edited by TishaBuv; Mar 09, 2019 at 08:58 PM.. Reason: Add more
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Default Mar 09, 2019 at 09:13 PM
  #24
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Say an overly-dependent person comes and asks for your help. And you feel that it's not your job to do things for her, so you make a suggestion, "Why don't you try xyz?" Your aim is to help her help herself and stop asking you. But each and every time you make a suggestion, she tells you why it wouldn't work and how her situation is infinitely hopeless. And this back and forth will persist until you give in and offer to do things for her.

At what point do you say, "Hey I'm maxed out on my suggestions. You are on your own"?

Next time, should I just say from the beginning, "No, I can't help you, sorry" rather than suggesting her to help herself and get myself trapped into this kind of conversation? Or if that's too cold or harsh, should I limit it to just one suggestion and say, "Well I tried to help you but I can't think of anything else"?
This is a really interesting and important question, Ennie. Could you fill in some details? What's the relationship? Colleague, family, friend? What is it that she is asking for help with exactly? Sorry, I got a bit lost when i tried to follow the rest of the thread.
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Default Mar 09, 2019 at 09:53 PM
  #25
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
This is a really interesting and important question, Ennie. Could you fill in some details? What's the relationship? Colleague, family, friend? What is it that she is asking for help with exactly? Sorry, I got a bit lost when i tried to follow the rest of the thread.
What is the relationship? Blood relative [ugh].

What is it that she has asked for help with? EVERYTHING--rides, financial issues, information, like instead of googling things for herself or calling the place to inquire herself, relying on me to be her information desk for every little information:
-Like the address of a place;
-A date and time of an event, etc.

I've distanced myself from her significantly but she has tried to hoover me back recently so I am on an alert. But being taken advantage of has been a pattern for me with others and not just her.

In therapy, I made a progress and can now say "No" to new people.

But with the same people I've went out of my way, doing anything and everything to help in the past, it's been hard to break off their habits and expectations.
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Default Mar 09, 2019 at 09:55 PM
  #26
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
You must have been very generous and sharing of your things in the past. That’s why they assume you will let them borrow your stuff?

I bought I purse while with a friend, an expensive evening bag. She made a comment that she was going to borrow it. I didn’t say a word. Had she asked, I’d have said ‘no’. The nerve of her, IMHO. We’re not really friends any more. She was really rude and nervy with other things, too.
Yes, I shouldn't enable people ever again.
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Default Mar 09, 2019 at 09:59 PM
  #27
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
This is a really interesting and important question, Ennie. Could you fill in some details? What's the relationship? Colleague, family, friend? What is it that she is asking for help with exactly? Sorry, I got a bit lost when i tried to follow the rest of the thread.
P.S. A lot of the info are in my previous threads if you want to check it out.
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Default Mar 09, 2019 at 10:31 PM
  #28
Sorry you've been having a tough time with a family member. I did not read your other threads so I'll focus on what you shared here. In general, if you don't want to do something, I would recommend keeping it simple such as: "I don't have that information" or "I am not able to do that" or "I don't have time to discuss this." You don't even need to give an explanation.

If she pushes once, you can repeat your original statement. If she pushes twice, you can simply say "I don't need to discuss further. I'm going now." And leave it there. If you hold your ground, she will learn to stop asking. Not right away, but in time. The difficulty is that you were previously unwittingly reinforcing her behavior (I realize you were trying to help) of continually going to you for help. When you withdraw the stimulus she's seeking (help) she will no longer be reinforced and will stop seeking the same stimulus from you.

I believe you will find more power and peace by not speculating about her internal state or motivation. We can't really know what's going on in someone else's mind or soul. You have a right to withdraw your help so you can do so and quietly wish her peace. I wouldn't recommend a phrase like "you're on your own" because that could sound judgmental or a bit harsh. The sooner we set boundaries with people, the less risk of building frustration and lashing out. I'm not suggesting that you would lash out, just that it can be an unfortunate side-effect of not setting boundaries with others and then resenting them when in many cases they may be oblivious rather than intentionally trying to bother us.

Your question reminded me of a situation I had a long time ago with a friend. I was getting ready to go to an event being held in my honor. I had a long day at work and needed to tie up a few loose ends before going to the event. My friend kept texting me questions about the eve. What are you wearing? etc. So nothing urgent. On another occasion, I would have gladly answered her Qs but I was busy and stressed and needed to get off my phone in order to complete my transition from work to the event. I sent the following message: "I can't keep texting now love. The more I'm on my phone, the less time I have to get ready and be there on time. I'll see you there soon."
She replied: "K." I got a vibe but left it there. Then I showed up to the group gathering in my honor and the friend I mentioned was sulking with me. Wouldn't make eye contact or talk to me. I tried to clear the air (when others couldn't hear) and said I'm sorry if my text sounded a bit abrupt, I was just in a rush. She continued to sulk all night. I did my best to focus on the other friendly and kind people there. But I confess that she did spoil my evening a bit. I don't think I did anything wrong but apparently she thought so.
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Default Mar 10, 2019 at 05:07 AM
  #29
We teach people how to treat us. If we continue to let someone do something that bothers us and not speak up about it.. I mean like have a serious conversation and say " i will no longer help you.. (with x,y,z) I have helped you in the past and I feel like I am being taken advantage of and it makes me feel angry and resentful etc." We can't have expectations if we do not spell it out for the people involved. If they do not know your boundaries then they will cross them over and over. If we let the same behavior dominate the relationship without speaking up then we can't expect things to change.

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