I cheated and lost everything

I don’t know why I’m posting this other than I have no family or friends and need to express myself I guess. I cheated on my wife of 1.5 years by talking to other women on tinder. I didn’t meet them but I had conversations with them online. My wife found out and I was confronted by her and her family yesterday. The thing is I don’t even know why I was doing it. I love my wife she is my best friend and so much better than I deserve. She treats my daughter like her own and is an amazing human. I don’t know why I flushed it all down the drain for nothing. I feel absolutely horrible about myself and what I’ve done and I’ve lost everything. I’ll have to move out and explain to my daughter why her “Hannie” is no longer in her life. NEVER CHEAT IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE. I deserve to be alone but it hurts and I wish I could fix it.

Oh Tallen, I am so sorry that you are going through such a painful time I don't think you deserve to be alone. You are a precious human being, no better or worse than the rest of us. You deserve peace. We all make mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes involve marital problems, sometimes not.

You said this revelation just came about yesterday? Could there be time to step back and communicate and think things over with your wife?

I do NOT agree with her family being involved. That is not appropriate. The marriage problems are between you and your wife. Would she be open to sitting down with a relationship therapist at all?

While I understand your wife feeling hurt about you secretly talking to other women (and I don't know if they were sexual conversations) you did not actually engage in sexual acts outside the marriage. Therefore, I think it could be helpful for your wife to stop involving her family and take some time to really address the details of the breakdown in the marriage.

Marriage problems are very, very common Tallen. Sometimes those problems involve talking to other women and sometimes they don't. There are folks out there trained to help couples work through problems. For example, you aren't sure why you even wanted to talk to other women...a therapist could likely help you unpack that drive.

There are two people in the marriage and two people need to respond to the marital problems. Placing all the responsibility at your door is neither accurate nor helpful. She's obviously deeply hurt. She needs time and space. I hope she will take that time rather than immediately filing for divorce. We do not tend to make the healthiest decisions for ourselves when we are acting on raw emotion.

I am not judging you Tallen. Sounds like you are in hell right now, regardless of the reason. I hope a good therapist can help you find your way out of hell. Remember that this problem is very common and there are experts who know how to help. If her family members continue to involve themselves, please remind them that they need to respect your boundaries and the marriage problems need to be addressed only by you and your wife. Take good care of yourself and consider seeking professional support. Peace to you, your wife, and your daughter.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, tallen01 Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're not a bad person. Anyone can make mistakes. From what you wrote, it seems like you've just wrote to those women and didn't do anything else beyond that. Even though it may have been inappropriate, I don't think your marriage is over yet. I believe you can still work things out with your wife, especially since you seem deeply hurt by all of this. I'd suggest to talk to your wife about this and see how it goes from there if yo haven't already. Hopefully she'll listen to you and understand you. Perhaps you could try couple counselling if she's willing to try. Perhaps you could try individual therapy. Either way, I hope you'll be able to get through this. You seem like a caring person and you deserve a second chance. I hope you'll be given one. Perhaps you'll just need to move on. Sometimes it can happen. I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better for you and your wife soon and I hope you'll be able to talk things through. You're a wonderful person who's just made some mistakes. You deserve to be happy and to get help. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

Thank you all for the kind words. I accept full responsibility for my actions and will pay the price for them. I’ve tried talking to her and told her I would do whatever it takes to not lose her and that I would look for a new place to live etc. she isn’t responding to my messages so I’ll juat wait it out and see what happens. I don’t want to bombard her with messages. Anytime we have issues whether big or small she involves her family or in this case they involved themselves.

You have our support Tallen. Your instinct about not sending too many messages and giving her space seems wise. Waiting is really hard, isn't it? Particularly during a stressful time when there is much at stake. But you can remind yourself that by allowing her time and space, you are honoring her boundaries. Very important. You could simply say "I am ready to calmly talk things through with you when you are ready."

She is not honoring your boundaries at all by involving her family any time you have problems. That is probably a significant factor in the marital problems. If you try therapy, or even get to have a calm discussion with her, I think it's important that you calmly make that point about your boundaries. Certainly not as a justification for your communication with other women, but as an important issue within the marriage to be addressed by both of you.

When other people weigh in on a marriage, it is the road to mayhem. The only 3rd party who can help is an experienced marriage therapist and only if both parties agree that they wish to participate in marriage therapy. That said, you could certainly talk to a therapist on your own now Tallen. In order to get help with the stress and communication strategies if/when your wife is willing to talk to you without her family present.

If she files for divorce, I believe part of the process is they will make you attend some couples counseling. Maybe you can save this.

I made the mistake of confiding the private problems between me and my husband with my family. Yes, huge mistake. I did it because they would call and I couldn’t hide how upset and depressed I was. They’d draw it out of me. I was confused, and thought their take on it might help me. It didn’t, and THEY threw my poo in my face about it later.

If it has only been one day, there is a chance that the marriage isn't over yet. Maybe she just needs some time and space and will be willing to give it another chance. I hope she does.

I would delete Tindr from your phone though. I don't think it does you any good to have it on there if you are going to try to make things right with your wife.

I deleted it immediately after leaving the house after talking to her and her family. I was actually going to delete it anyways because I knew what I was doing was wrong. Not that I am trying to justify having it in the first place that obviously wasn’t right.

This may sound like a strange thing to say, Tallen, given that you're in so much pain but I actually think you're on the right track here. You realized that your prior pattern of behavior wasn't helping. You are self-reflecting and taking ownership for your actions. That counts for a lot!!! Trust me. I hope time and communication and understanding will help you and your wife. Peace.

Now hang on a moment... You didn't actually meet them. Were you planning on meeting them? Granted, what you did was wrong, but it wasn't full on cheating in my book. Is your wife in the right for being pissed? Yes. Should you have been chasing women online? No. This is the step BEFORE the actual cheating. You stopped it. This is very common these days with phones and computers. It is easy to meet people online. It is almost like married men having girlie mags in the old days, except that pictures don't talk and there was no way to do that. IMO, this is the modern version. But, if you are committed, this part of life should be over for you. Period.

I am not saying its ok or that I would be ok if it were me but do I really think this should be marriage ending? No. If she is willing to literally divorce you and completely end your marriage over that then there was more going on with your relationship than you realized.

Good point. Seems like it would warrant a long 1:1 talk between hub and wife. Maybe therapy. Not a full confrontation from wife and family followed by zero communication. I will go so far as to say that her reaction is disproportionate to the problem. And the continual involvement of her family members is not okay.

Perhaps all is not lost Tallen. We wish it for you here on PC. You are not alone

I’m pretty sure it’s over but thanks for the encouraging words. Maybe if her parents weren’t involved I’d have a chance at redemption. We’ve been through something similar once before and her and her parents did the same thing then. Long story short about 2 months into our marriage she admitted to me that she had hooked up with an ex a month or so before we bagan dating. We were talking at the time it happened which she vehimintely denies to this day. Anyways I became very upset and felt lied to and cheated on which I know is stupid because we weren’t actually together but it hurt me bad especially since she waited until after we were married to tell me. Out of revenge I talked to an ex on Facebook nothing sexual just hey how are you etc etc. she found out and her and her family confronted me about it. So I don’t think I’ll be forgiven this time. I’m a bad person.

Sounds to me, Tallen, that you could have done a lot worse. If there is real love between you and your wife, I see no reason why, perhaps with help, you can’t work this out.

If you both want to, that is. Like others, I don’t see that it’s appropriate for the rest of her family to involve themselves.

Best wishes....

You are not a bad person.

I agree I really wish she wouldn’t always involve her family. Especially since I have no family so it’s unfair probably a bad word choice there but I couldn’t think of how to word it. She has an entire supportive family that always backs her and I have a 76 year old grandma who I love to death but she is out of touch with reality. Not that I’d expect my grandma to back me for my cheating I just don’t like feeling ganged up on by her family.

Of course you don't like feeling ganged up on. Nobody would! Whether you come from a large family or not, it is disrespectful for your wife to share your private matters with others. When your wife discovered you were chatting with other women, she should have talked with you privately in your home.

You are being too hard on yourself, friend. Please try not to position yourself in such a way that you are the BAD GUY and she is THE SAINT. Those are not accurate descriptors for either of you. You're a couple of humans making some mistakes and trying to live your lives and sometimes misunderstanding each other. Just like the rest of us!!! Nobody deserves to be nailed to a cross or hung out to dry. Balance is important here. You owned your actions. You offered to communicate. Now she needs to reciprocate when she's had time to cool off.

Breathe slowly and deeply. This just happened yesterday so the shock and confusion are at their highest levels right now. Try to take it one moment at a time and try not to predict the future. I also discourage you from offering things like moving out...I don't think that's warranted at this point but that's just my opinion. You must do what feels right to you. Note all the support you received here on PC from lots of different people. You are NOT a bad person. You are a person with strengths and challenges. You aren't "less than" or undeserving of your wife. Trust me as a neutral 3rd party, she's got some work to do here too.

If she can't forgive you, you can't make her. But you can forgive yourself, and I hope that you do in time.

But hopefully, her decision is not permanent. When her head's cooled down, she may come to her senses and reconsider. She may be emotional right now and not thinking straight.

The fact that she has brought her family into things before and now again is really wrong and unfair. It almost makes me wonder if staying with her is a safe or healthy thing. I dont think it is. Because there is no room in a marriage for more than 2 people. Like..I would be p*ssed if that had happened to me- wrong as it may have been for you to browse tinder you did not cheat. And its not like you violated her family. Your marriage should only be of concern to you and your wife. Seriously- if she divorces you over this then she is totally in the wrong and you shouldnt beat yourself up over this. Have you ever said anything to her or her family about their involvement?