[aimlesshiker]

Hey all,

I've got a little problem.

Things with my guy recently started getting better after a few months of things being real crappy. We've upped our communication skills, my anxiety's gotten better, and he's a lot more attentive to my needs.

However, there's still some things we're working on. On top of that, we recently became long distance after living together for over a year, and—guess what—I feel great. Before this I was a young, single woman who did whatever she wanted. I know that being in a relationship means spending your time with that person but... for the past few days I've been relishing in all my alone time.

I've discussed wanting alone time with my SO before, and he recognizes I need it. So I see this panning out in a few different ways:

* SO and I continue this long distance thing. After that, we still live together but we figure out a system where I plan my own nights where I spend it alone/just with my friends. Pros: Relationship stays. We can continue having adventures together and separately. Cons: My SO goes CRAZY without me. I find it easy to be alone, and might prefer it...

* SO and I take a break. We can focus on ourselves, figure out how much we really need each other, etc.
Cons: His heart would be broken. I tried asking for a break before and he didn't take it well.

*SO and I take a break, for good. Pros: I get to be independent, travel where I want, work where I want, etc.
Cons: SO's heart would be broken. He can't sleep or eat without me. I just don't know if I can return all that love....

I almost feel like I'm not a relationship person... I like spending evenings alone, I like going where I want when I want. My guy's so into me it's intimidating. I just want to have fun with life . I feel awful because he's really a great guy. I just keep finding tiny flaws in him and I'm not if I can keep fixing things. Right now I'm also sort of stuck with him because it's hard to go long distance unless we absolutely have to. But my career enables me to travel around and I want to do that! But I really can't while in a relationship, at least not one like this.

What do I do? When do I tell him about my feelings? He's visiting in a couple weeks... I also keep flip-flopping. A few days ago I was feeling hopeful about things, but lately I just can't shake this feeling.

[ShadowGX]

You definitely need to talk with him about this, sooner rather than later. For it to work long term you need to not feel smothered. If he is going to smother you like you're worried about then it will just push you away in the long run. If what you need is one night a week to yourself, that's ok to ask for. If he can't handle giving you the space you need then it's not fair for you to stay in it just for him.

It seems you are mostly worried about his feelings if you take a break or break up permanently. What about what you want the most? Concentrate on that.

Also, is he more dependent on you? Does he have friends and like to see his friends too? If he does, then it shouldn't be a problem for you to have your independence. But if he's far more dependent on you, it will be harder. Not only that, but that's not healthy.

It seems you do need to have a conversation with him about what you need and want. If he cannot accept or respect that, then you have your answer.

[MickeyCheeky]

It's not a good thing that he's so dependant on you.. and you do have every right to spend some time for yourself.
I agree that you need to talk with him as soon as possible.

[Bill3]

Him not taking it well, him being heartbroken if you leave are not valid reasons for staying.

They make you his prisoner not his partner.

In the extreme, all he would have to do is get upset and you would stay.

He can't sleep or eat without me. I just don't know if I can return all that love.

In my opinion that is not love.

Love has to do with putting the beloved above self, with cultivating and supporting their growth. When he is kind to you, he is being loving. But if he cannot function when the relationship with you is not how he wants it to be, then his relationship with you is not loving, it is his crutch.

He survived and grew for X years before he met you. He can do that again.

Have you read about codependency? It might be helpful. Codependency occurs when one party gets their way by causing, or threatening to cause, unpleasant emotional responses in their partner.

[aimlesshiker]

I’m assuming I should talk to him via phone, rather than text? I feel like I explain things better on paper (or screen, in this case) than in person. In person usually leads to me saying things I don’t mean, or not getting the point I want across. Like I forget to stand up for myself. If I talk on the phone I might be more inclined to “not hurt his feelings” or not directly say what I want (which is some kind of independence).

I feel so stupid. I bought tickets to visit him December of this year. I did I not because I love him, but I felt nervous that if I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t show that I cared enough to fly out and visit him.

I just need to get back in touch with myself. I’m so confused and lost

[Bill3]

I think a letter would be a good first step. With a letter you can take your time and be sure to include all that you want to say, the way you want to say it.

Then, when the letter is ready, you could arrange a phone call and then email the letter shortly before the call.

On the call, keep to the text of the letter and don’t waver in response to what he says. If you feel yourself wavering, one possible technique would be to say that you wrote down what he said and you will think about it and email him in two days.

Think of the airline expense as a form of therapy! You are learning a lot about yourself. Or maybe you could get a credit and use the money to take a trip for you.

I've actually written out what I've wanted to say and have read it to the person over the phone. That worked well because it kept me on topic and focused.

[aimlesshiker]

I ended up calling him yesterday. I tried staying on script but we ended up talking for so long I had some free flow speech.

It ended up not being the end of the world. We're still together. I brought up that I want to have more freedom, travel around, and focus on my career and that it would be hard while in a relationship... and he was taken very aback. He told me that he had sacrificed everything to be with me and that he did it because he thinks I'm worth it. He believes in my dreams, too, but he wants me to consider his goals, which right now are to finish school.

I know that everything he says and does is because he loves me. I'm not sure if he knows what's BEST for me, but I know he takes small and big steps to ensure my safety and success. Little things like making the house cozy before I get home, big things like moving to stay with me...

Right now I'm really conflicted because in the past 24 hours I've felt every emotion from not wanting to be with him, to now, where I'm warmly remembering everything we've been through together. I can tell every day he's getting more mature and better at communicating, which is one of the main things I wanted out of him. I can't tell if I've casted our whole relationship in a negative light, or if it really isn't working.

I guess that's something I'll have to figure out for myself... it's just scary. I'm torn between staying, where I know I'll be taken care of and loved, and leaving, where I'll have all kinds of freedom.

[Bill3]

Good job making that call and talking things through! That took skill and courage and self-control.

[aimlesshiker]

Thank you .

We talked again last night. I told him pretty much everything, including that I've been thinking about going forward alone.

But I was also reminded of how special this relationship is. We really do embrace every idiosyncrasy and weird habit we have. I know I have my fair share of complaints with my SO, but they all seem so small now..

I don't know if my sudden infatuation is a result of almost losing him, or if I really do appreciate him as I did before. He coming to visit next week, and I think hanging out with him will help make this decision for me.

Basically, right now I'm actually terrified of losing him and not sure how real my wanting independence was. Of course ultimately it will be up to me to figure out what I want...

[aimlesshiker]

I wanted to give an update. It's a long story and I wish I had more people to talk about this with, but I am trying really hard to break things off.

He's depressed and I want him to get better, but I don't think it's healthy for us to both be in a relationship when we're still working on ourselves (I have anxiety, too). I feel like I've been more or less miserable for most of the relationship and I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm sure he'll try again and again to keep us together, but I just want to be single. To travel and drive and sing and do nothing whenever I want. I love living alone. I want my own Wild story. Maybe I need to hike and travel until I feel like myself again, because for the past 2.5 years I've been trying to salvage a relationship that just isn't going to work.

... Plus, I feel like a relationship isn't for me right now, just like having kids isn't for me. I have also been bi-curious for a while. I'm not sure if I should tell him that, I don't know how much he can handle.

I at least want I break. For some reason it's so hard to just have a clean break. I want him to move out and figure his life out. I have realized that if I had been single all this time, I could have saved up enough money to do more of things I want.

[eskielover]

That anxiety you are feeling may just be associated with the relationship you want out if. Anxiety is a NORMAL part of our life. It is our mind's way of telling us we have a problem that needs to be solved & the anxiety hangs around until we resolve the problem. You may be surprised at the less amount of anxiety you feel once you resolve what has been building for 2.5 years

[seeminglyreal]

Originally Posted by aimlesshiker

I wanted to give an update. It's a long story and I wish I had more people to talk about this with, but I am trying really hard to break things off.

He's depressed and I want him to get better, but I don't think it's healthy for us to both be in a relationship when we're still working on ourselves (I have anxiety, too). I feel like I've been more or less miserable for most of the relationship and I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm sure he'll try again and again to keep us together, but I just want to be single. To travel and drive and sing and do nothing whenever I want. I love living alone. I want my own Wild story. Maybe I need to hike and travel until I feel like myself again, because for the past 2.5 years I've been trying to salvage a relationship that just isn't going to work.

... Plus, I feel like a relationship isn't for me right now, just like having kids isn't for me. I have also been bi-curious for a while. I'm not sure if I should tell him that, I don't know how much he can handle.

I at least want I break. For some reason it's so hard to just have a clean break. I want him to move out and figure his life out. I have realized that if I had been single all this time, I could have saved up enough money to do more of things I want.

Your story reminds me very much of a previous relationship I was in. We were together, on and off, for about a year, and I spent half this time debating whether or not we were a good match. Turns out we weren't a match as a couple but we worked really well as friends. I'm glad you found a way out of your dilemma. I wish you all the best