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Old 03-18-2019, 07:47 AM   #21
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Default Re: Husband feels like my son and I are mostly the problem because of our mental illn

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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I empathize with how hard it must be to be somewhat at odds with your husband in regards on how to raise the kids. But, that opposition for you had nothing to do with anyone having MI. It was your core values regarding raising children.
You are totally right about aspects of this. My H was raised to be more self sufficient--he paid for his cars, college, etc. on his own and was expected to work in his father's hayfield and his father's other part time jobs from a very young age. I was given a car to drive at 16 and had my college tuition and housing paid for. We both wanted to carry these aspects about our upbringing into how we raised our children and they were completely opposite at times.
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Old 03-26-2019, 06:51 AM   #22
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Default Re: Husband feels like my son and I are mostly the problem because of our mental illn

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Unfortunately, when I went back and edited, it wouldn't allow me to edit the title. I do have a mood disorder. I do not want to "tag" my son as MH because he has not yet been diagnosed with anything. I think mental illness is something you have to figure out for yourself with the help of all the information that is out there and someone educated in treating mental health illnesses. Sometimes we can hide our mental illness and not realize that we have a problem.

My H commends me a lot with coming so far (being more and more stable since my attempt). He is more positive than negative. I take a some of my frustrations out on him and sometimes he reacts negatively. He is only human.

But you are right, our family still has a lot of big problems that we need to work out. We were not working on the right problems for many years. The children are the ones who pay the price in these situations. I will always feel like I owe something to my children that I can never repay or undo because of my actions.
I said I do not want to characterize what is going on with my son and still believe that is the right thing to do. I am not a trained professional, am too emotionally enmeshed in the situation to be unbiased and am dealing with my own diagnosed issues. Yet there IS something going on, I just don't think it is fair to characterize it. There have been odd behaviors (will not be specific)--are they reasonable reactions to traumatic events (ALOT of traumatic things happen to you when you are homeless ) or does he have a serious underlying condition that emerged after HS but before getting kicked out?

Yesterday, during our walk, I stressed to my husband how inhuman it has been to let this go on. He stressed that we have no choice because of our son's actions and that things are getting better. I told him that from my POV, our son has not improved and if he has a mental illness, his homelessness is making it worse. I believe my H feels like there has been an improvement because I have improved and am not making the situation worse.

However, during the conversation, I felt like he used phrases that I have used in my posts. I am from a rural area out West end went to some very lax public schools so I sometimes use some pretty unsophisticated expressions like "woulda, shoulda, coulda" though my H may have picked up on this from conversing with me (this is not at all typical of how he speaks). So here I go again feeling a bit paranoid. When I feel that way I have learned to take my full medications.

After expressing exactly how I felt to H, it made me feel better but he was a real "bear" when getting ready for work this morning. I suppose he is entitled to have bad days too. I am keeping him in the loop regarding our son and it just is a very tough topic for us to deal with. It feels like a never ending nightmare sometimes......
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Old 03-26-2019, 07:26 AM   #23
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Default Re: Husband feels like my son and I are mostly the problem because of our mental illn

To my understanding, everybody displays all kinds of emotions when put under severe stress. People who have a disorder, display those symptoms vs. someone without the disorder may handle better the stress that the disordered person handled in the disordered way.

You point out that the treatment has been “inhuman”, and H says you both have “no choice”. Well, you do have choice. It sounds like you have a difference of opinion as to what to do with your H and your H is calling the shots.
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Old 03-26-2019, 08:41 AM   #24
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Default Re: Husband feels like my son and I are mostly the problem because of our mental illn

Nowinners: i hope I wasnt too harsh before. I can identify what you are going through with your son to an extent. My daughter last year ran away during high school when she was 18. Drugs, alcohol, rehab, sober living, many jobs- she always has drama. She came to stay with us for 2.5 weeks in Jan between sober houses and we have come to realize that like it or not, we can not deal with her living with us. Whether we like it or not she has been independent and her way of living doesn't jive with us anymore- its amazing how fast that happens. It breaks my heart to hear how broke she is all the time. We help her out from time to time but the lessons she had to learn hurt us as much as they did her. I am sorry if I seemed insensitive in my post.
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Old 03-26-2019, 10:29 AM   #25
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Default Re: Husband feels like my son and I are mostly the problem because of our mental illn

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We help her out from time to time but the lessons she had to learn hurt us as much as they did her. I am sorry if I seemed insensitive in my post.
I viewed your feedback as helpful, not hurtful. Sometimes I think I should respond more to your posts about your daughter (be more supportive) but don't because I feel like the opposite of an expert when it comes to parenting. But I really am sorry about what you are going through. It seems like it hurts more when it is your children then any other relationship.
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