Husband feels like my son and I are mostly the problem because of our mental illness - Page 2 - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 03-17-2019, 06:23 AM #11
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Default Re: Husband feels like my son and I are mostly the problem because of our mental illn

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post

I do think you are being hard on yourself.

Your husband didn't marry you on the condition of you remaining perfect did he ?
I can be very absentminded and make a lot of mistakes. Mostly, I have always been very good about joking about them, laughing at myself. However, even though he has not been very cooperative and is 24, that I have left my son on the street for nearly one year (the anniversary is May 1st) reflects very badly on my abilities/priorities. Mistakes (not going to talk about because they involved interactions between our son and us) that turned out very badly. A lot of the problem has been that my H and I have been at odds about how to help him. Lately, I spend a lot of time educating and involving him with what is going on with our son. I think he lacked understanding because our children have always confided more in me than their dad. However, I have also had to figure out what things I need to confide verses what shouldn't be confided. In the past, I have sometimes emphasized the wrong things and been too emotionally enmeshed in what is going on with our son. It is going to take a while to unravel.

My H never expected me to be perfect. The first time we interacted was when I called asking for help concerning someone who worked for him and did not show up at a work event I had organized. Like many men, he fell for a damsel in distress. We have been married more than 31 years and he still rescues me on a regular basis. I appreciate that he has always been there for me.
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Old 03-17-2019, 07:36 AM #12
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Default Re: Husband feels like my son and I are mostly the problem because of our mental illn

I empathize with how hard it must be to be somewhat at odds with your husband in regards on how to raise the kids. I was very blessed to have no resistance from my husband in raising our kids. Hooray for small miracles! But, that opposition for you had nothing to do with anyone having MI. It was your core values regarding raising children.

Even if you feel you had much success and no conflict with your kids, itís bound to hit you sometime. I say this because I just had a little head butt with my son, which surprised me to have had happen. What we feel good about in parenting, vs. what we feel bad about; Iím not so sure it matters so much in the relationships moving forward.
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Old 03-17-2019, 07:55 AM #13
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Default Re: Husband feels like my son and I are mostly the problem because of our mental illn

Your husbandís attitude about whomever was Ďmostly the problemí speaks to a lot. Your family has a big problem. Who cares who is mostly at fault, or at fault at all. Thatís so petty of him to say and says a lot about him, IMHO. I know, Iím dealing with same.
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Old 03-17-2019, 08:46 AM #14
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Default Re: Still Struggling ....

I don't know if this helps or not, but I had it pointed out to me very recently, that with our kids, sometimes we, as parents, have given them as many doors and presented opportunities but at some point, there's a shift where the child whether adult or becoming one determines their own path and that path is up to them and the outcome rests on their shoulders and their shoulders alone.
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Old 03-17-2019, 10:14 AM #15
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Default Re: Still Struggling ....

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I don't know if this helps or not, but I had it pointed out to me very recently, that with our kids, sometimes we, as parents, have given them as many doors and presented opportunities but at some point, there's a shift where the child whether adult or becoming one determines their own path and that path is up to them and the outcome rests on their shoulders and their shoulders alone.
Though some of the unhelpful interactions haunt me, I do realize that his homelessness is mostly of his doing. Thanks for this kind reminder.
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Old 03-17-2019, 10:19 AM #16
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Default Re: Still Struggling ....

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Though some of the unhelpful interactions haunt me, I do realize that his homelessness is mostly of his doing. Thanks for this kind reminder.
Unhelpful interactions?
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Old 03-17-2019, 10:23 AM #17
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Default Re: Still Struggling ....

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Unhelpful interactions?
There were some crisis situations that I wish I had handled differently (it was a case of bad emotional reactions to each other). Can't be specific because I don't want to talk about my son's issues publicly.
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Old 03-17-2019, 10:34 AM #18
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Default Re: Still Struggling ....

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There were some crisis situations that I wish I had handled differently (it was a case of bad emotional reactions to each other). Can't be specific because I don't want to talk about my son's issues publicly.
With time, it will be OK. I just saw my son this morning and we are all having lunch together. We still love each other very much so I think Tisha is right that the individual incidents are not the real deal breakers moving forward. I have been figuring out better how to give him the space he needs and backing off when something triggers me.
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Old 03-17-2019, 10:36 AM #19
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Default Re: Still Struggling ....

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There were some crisis situations that I wish I had handled differently (it was a case of bad emotional reactions to each other). Can't be specific because I don't want to talk about my son's issues publicly.
Fair enough. I wasn't certain if PC or home/son/husband, so I asked a more open ended question.

I think, as moms, we're simply more prone to guilt, grief and heartache by virtue of motherhood. There's often going to be regretable moments. But that's how we grow as women. It takes two to tango, even in the mother/son dance.
My oldest, who has broken my heart not quite at the level of other moms, but heartbreak nevertheless has actually stated at times-it's not me, it's him. Not every son may articulate it that way. I'm glad that he did. It's moved our mother/son relationship forward instead of backwards.
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Old 03-18-2019, 07:17 AM #20
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Default Re: Husband feels like my son and I are mostly the problem because of our mental illn

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Originally Posted by Nowinners View Post
Just writing on the "bathroom wall" then erasing the graffeti helped.
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Your husbandís attitude about whomever was Ďmostly the problemí speaks to a lot. Your family has a big problem. Who cares who is mostly at fault, or at fault at all. Thatís so petty of him to say and says a lot about him, IMHO. I know, Iím dealing with same.
Unfortunately, when I went back and edited, it wouldn't allow me to edit the title. I do have a mood disorder. I do not want to "tag" my son as MH because he has not yet been diagnosed with anything. I think mental illness is something you have to figure out for yourself with the help of all the information that is out there and someone educated in treating mental health illnesses. Sometimes we can hide our mental illness and not realize that we have a problem. Other than life long sleep issues; I have always functioned just fine when my life is not stressful. I do not consistently take it because of its effect on my sex life but taking Sertraline(Zoloft) for a while made me realize how out of control my thoughts can get when under stress. I get a thought in my head and can't let go of it. This really causes a lot of trouble when the thought that keeps replaying is negative, delusional or just an exagerration because I obsess on one aspect or wrongdoing. It nearly killed me when I was obsessing about SUI and why it would fix some of my problems.

My H commends me a lot with coming so far (being more and more stable since my attempt). He is more positive than negative. I take a some of my frustrations out on him and sometimes he reacts negatively. He is only human.

But you are right, our family still has a lot of big problems that we need to work out. We were not working on the right problems for many years. The children are the ones who pay the price in these situations. I will always feel like I owe something to my children that I can never repay or undo because of my actions.

Last edited by Anonymous55879; 03-18-2019 at 08:45 AM.
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